Wow Queefs.

Who knew there were so many Queefettes out there just like Crissy who are just one more motherfucking beer bottle away from spousal homicide?

Man, we are PISSED!

It warms the cockles of Crissy’s heart, really and she’s glad she brought it up. Crissy thinks it made us all feel a little bit better.

And now on to the post that some of you already read yesterday morning until Crissy pulled it back because combined with the beer bottle rant it was way, way too long.

It made Crissy bored just looking at it.

Ahem.

So this morning (or, er, yesterday morning) Crissy was all set to come downstairs and write about one of many things on her mind that she saw on the Turn to 10 news at 6 with her favorite reporter ever, Frank Coletta.

Morning Frank!

Crissy is doing a coffee cup salute to you, homeslice!

If you don’t live in RI or mAss, you don’t know what Crissy is talking about.

And Crissy wondered if she should discuss the bank robbing ninja because how awesome is that?

It’s pretty fucking awesome if you ask Crissy.

Or what about the fact that it is LEGAL in RI to practice prostitution indoors. Apparently, if you are out of doors it is not okay so don’t anyone come to RI for a hummer in the park and expect the po-po to tolerate that shit. You have to go inside if you want a hummer.

This is excellent news because just like Crissy has a strict policy against leaving her chair at work, she also has a strict policy against leaving her house because that means she will have to put on a bra and Crissy doesn’t like to do that so if she does lose her job she has another career lined up that is perfectly legal and does not require her to leave her house or put on a bra or even leave her bed.

She may, however, need to get a new mattress but since it’ll be a business expense it won’t be a big deal.

Yay!

She’s even got an idea!

She’s going to run specials!

Buy nine blow jobs, get the tenth one free! And she’s got all kinds of other fun things like that planned too.

Crissy is a brilliant business woman, obviously.

Crissy also thought about The Craigslist Killerbecause as you know, he was in Rhode Island and as you know Crissy is selling her refrigerator on craigslist (STILL!!! Clearly craigslist shoppers wouldn’t know quality refrigeration if it bit them in the cubes. Get it? Refrigerator, ice cubes? Balls? Hahahahahahaha!!!! No?) and so it could have been Crissy he tried to kill! Thank God they caught him before he could kill Crissy! Of course he was really killing random whores who advertised their “services” on craigslist but you don’t know if he was going to up and decide to start killing pregnant ladies selling refrigerators.

That was a close one, Queefs.

Did you hear that the moron left a trail of cell phone calls, IP addresses, and then kept a pair of panties from each victim in his apartment?

What a douche.

So anyhoodle, Crissy’s got to go start her exercise before she has to get out of the house. She’s doing this one today which at first looks like your mom’s favorite but it’s actually sort of fun:

Plus it’s easy.

Crissy is cheating.

Crissy had a bunch of things to talk about this morning but what she’s going to talk about instead is Mister and his fucking beer bottles because right now at this very moment Crissy is fresh from yet another argument about them.

You see Queefs, Mister comes home and the first thing he does is pop the cap off a beer. He doesn’t say hello first, he just starts drinking. Clearly, Crissy keeps him pretty happy. And the beer cap falls on the counter, or the floor, wherever and that is where it stays. And when he finishes his beer, he puts the bottle down on whatever horizontal surface is available and goes to get another one.

IN THE KITCHEN!

NEXT TO THE RECYCLING BIN!

But he cannot be bothered to carry the empty bottle with him. Lots of times, he puts the empty bottle next to the recycling bin but not in it.

It’s right fucking there!

And so when Crissy wakes up in the morning and starts her day, the first thing she has to do is clean up the frat house type mess of bottles and bottle caps littering her house.

Now some of you may be asking “why not just leave the bottles for him to pick up himself?” and to this Crissy will say

Hahahahahahahaahah!!! You dumbass!

Mister does not even see the bottles and bottle caps once he is finished with them. It’s like they fall into another dimension that only Crissy can experience and it pisses Crissy off to no end and then there’s a fight which leads to fighting about the dirty sock balls and used paper towels and Kleenex and gobs of ABC Nicorette gum and candy wrappers left everywhere but where they belong.

And Mister tells Crissy that she should count her blessings because he could be out whoring or gambling (?) and so being treated like a hotel maid is pretty good and Crissy should be grateful.

Are you as flabbergasted by this logic as Crissy is?

And Crissy is just saying that if she’s going to take it in the Cheney, he can pick up after himself.

This is what the Crissys fight about Queefs.  It’s never about money or getting blow jobs from random students over at the college or anything like that but it still gets ugly around here and if Mister isn’t careful he’s going to find himself with a beer bottle up his ass.

How’s that for taking it in the Cheney?

Knowing him though, he’d probably like it just to spite Crissy.


Yesterday Crissy was sitting at her desk when she came to this book that needed cataloging.

It’s a book about contacting your Spirit Guide or guardian angel or whatever you want to call them so they can be a bigger part of your life or something like that.

And at first Crissy loves the idea of having a Spirit Guide because as you know Crissy is plagued by fears of clowns, escalators, garbage disposals, being in open spaces, being in closed spaces, and things that spin too fast and it brings her comfort to think that perhaps she’s not walking through the dangers of everyday existence all alone.

Crissy also thinks that her Spirit Guide must be pretty badass because she lives a pretty awesome life and is lucky in so many ways that other people are not, and she has gotten away with a considerable amount of jackassery like driving a car after too many vodka sodas or flirting with strange boys without so much as a single incident.

Of course there have been those two or three stalkers, but nothing really very bad ever happened to Crissy so that’s pretty impressive there Spirit Guide!

THANKS!!!

Crissy is glad you’re a badass.

But then when Crissy thinks about it, she’s not so crazy about the Spirit Guide idea at all in much the same way that she is at once comforted and horrified by the idea that her Grandma Helen is watching over her.

Tell Crissy something Queefs.

Where do Grandma Helen and Crissy’s Spirit Guide go when she’s being a very, very, naughty, bad, bad girl and sneaking downstairs and eating ice cream over a 100 calorie pack of chocolate cupcakes at 2 am?

or…

OR WHAT ABOUT when taking it in the Cheney during Sexy Time with Mister?

Does Grandma Helen pull up a chair and WATCH?

And this is what Crissy was thinking about at midnight last night and she woke Mister up to ask him what he thinks of that idea and he thinks his Spirit Guide not only watches, but actually guides him

“Get your butt up a little higher there Mister…that’s right! Oh! Not that high it’s going to come out...Awwwww! I told you that was too high! How long do you think it is, buddy?” and then Mister’s Spirit Guide just looks at Grandma Helen all incredulous like and says “why do I even bother, Helen?  He never listens!”

And if these Spirit Guides are real, what about all the little children who are sick or abused or neglected or stolen from their mommies and daddies? Their Spirit Guides clearly have their heads up their asses if you ask Crissy.

What about the people who get very sick or get into terrible accidents? Again, Spirit Guide, being an asshole.

And does Alice have a Spirit Guide?

Sigh.

So many questions, Queefs.

And Crissy dare not make fun of the Spirit Guide because what if he/she reads Crissy’s blog?

WHAT IF CRISSY’S SPIRIT GUIDE IS ACTUALLY WRITING THIS RIGHT NOW?

Crissy just freaked her own freak with that one…

Maybe Crissy should just read Sylvia’s book because if Mister is ever going to see the Cheney again, she needs an answer.

The Bush is bad enough, but the Cheney?

Grandma Helen would not approve.

Crissy has no idea what the title of this post has to do with anything, but maybe by the end it will have something to do with something.

We’ll see.

Crissy and Alice have been watching the Today Show and you know what that means.

They’re all fired up again.

And this time it’s Tori Spelling.

The only good thing Crissy and Alice will say is that they loved her dress, but other than that?

eye roll

She was on yesterday morning talking about all the crap she’s up to and she’s got a reality tv show, and some drama with her mama, and she’s written a book (!)and she’s wicked skinny, and there’s a new line of kid’s clothes coming out in the fall, and Crissy thinks she’s even got a fucking fragrance or some crap like that coming out too.

What is it with every celebrity needing a fragrance these days? It’s weird. Who the hell wants to smell like Sara Jessica Parker?

Crissy just wants her shoes and maybe some of her clothes, but that’s it.

Anyway, Tori Spelling.

And she’s all “I’m a woman just like everyone else” and Meredith Vieira is all swoony over all of Tori’s AMAZING and INCREDIBLE accomplishments and Crissy is just like “oh. Please. Don’t be an asshole, Meredith.”

Alice is smarter and more creative than Tori Spelling.

humiliation_MG_0642-30

And she’s much better looking, too.

Tori looks like a donkey with lipstick and fake eyelashes.

But you know what Alice doesn’t have and Tori does?

MONEY and CONNECTIONS.

So Crissy and Alice are totally unimpressed with all of Tori’s success because she’s had the resources to pretty much do whatever she wants.

And Alice?

Not so much.

So Crissy and Alice think it’s bullshit that everyone is so knocked out when a celebrity has all sorts of crap going because really?

If Crissy and Alice had the resources, they’d have a lot of stuff going on too.

In fact, Alice has been working on a fragrance.

It’s an earthy scent.

It sort of smells like grass and bunny shit.

She’s just not sure how to get the marketing just right.

And Crissy is thinking of turning her blog into a book because seriously?

If Doosh and Tori Spelling can do it, Crissy can do it.

Also, Schmuckytown Pubic just had a big budget decrease and so they have to cut some stuff and Crissy might lose her job so we have to think of something else for her to do.

Anybody got a favorite story they think should go in there because Crissy doesn’t even know where to start…

So Daisee, one of you loyal Queef/stalkers, sent Crissy a link all about how Doosh (or as some people call her, Dooce) is going to be on Oprah or that she was on Oprah or some such nonsense like that.

Well la-di-frickin’-da.

You guys remember how Crissy beat the pants off Doosh for Hottest Mommy Blogger, right?

(We don’t need to discuss that if she had announced on her blog that she was nominated that she would have slaughtered Crissy to death because not even Stoogie and his magical, magical, oh so large and impressive Stoogie wand could help Crissy then)

And you guys remember how as soon as Crissy got pregnant, Doosh ran out and got pregnant too, right?

And you know her baby is due in June too because Doosh’s ENORMOUS EGO just can’t let Crissy beat her again but Crissy will be victorious because Taco is due first so Pppppptttttttttt! to you Doosh.

So the article Daisee sent Crissy talks about how poor, poor little Dooshy got a little post partum-y and was sad because her husband was at work and she was all alone and lonely with the baby and then she checked herself into the zoo.

Did Crissy ever tell you that Mister went back to work full time only three days after Girlfriend was born and Crissy was all alone?

And nobody came to help her.

And Crissy and Girlfriend were just fine.

That pretty much makes Crissy a Goddess of Motherhood and Doosh a big, giant pussy girl.

Don’t get Crissy wrong now Queefs. She knows post partum depression is real and she is well aware that it can happen to her just as easily as it happens to anyone else and she’s praying to whoever that she doesn’t get it.

It’s just that she’s so much better than Doosh and that’s the point she’s trying to make.

And Doosh wrote a book about her depression because it seemed like such a big thing to tell everyone about how sad she was and how much it sucked ass.

Like we care, Doosh.

Like we care.

But so many people do, and Crissy doesn’t get it because she tried to read Doosh’s blog, she really did and she wanted to like it, but it’s just that it’s so boring.

And they say she makes $40,000 a month doing it.

WHAT?

Crissy made ten dollars last month.

And Doosh isn’t even pretty!

Crissy is way prettier than Doosh and everybody knows that automatically makes her better in every way imaginable.

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See?    

And Doosh thinks she’s gonna steal Brad Pitt from Crissy too.

AS.

IF.

SISTER.

Brad is Crissy’s even though she’d really rather have Alex O’ Loughin but now that she knows Doosh thinks the Pittster is sexy, Crissy’s not gonna let her have him.

HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ENOUGH FROM CRISSY ALREADY DOOSH?

Please Queefs.

If anyone knows Oprah, (Crissy is talking to you bff Rachel!) please call her and tell her that Doosh wants to be Crissy and that it’s no fairs she gets to be on the show and that Crissy doesn’t. Crissy wants to go on Oprah and talk about being Queen of Fucking Everything and how it pretty much makes her more awesomer than everybody, even Oprah. Crissy will even promise to control her mouth and not say even one naughty word.