Cuchi-Cuchi. We will all look back on this and laugh! Hahahahahaha!

There Crissy was, minding her own business when she had a sudden urge to go and look for a bottle of lotion in the bathroom cabinet even though she knew it wasn’t in there because Crissy is a little bit psychic or she has very good intuition or something and she just knows things sometimes and also just knows stuff is going to happen even when all signs say otherwise so when something tells her to go and do something right away, she does it.

So she hauled her big giant ass off her bed where she had been lounging reading some pulpy book about vampires and girls named Sookie (thanks Val! Crissy has read three of the series this weekend! Why isn’t there more hot vampy sex like in the first one? Makes Crissy sad.) to go into the bathroom for the lotion.

She opened the closet and what did she find in there?

Big Bird?


Ricky Martin?

No, Ricky came out of the closet already didn’t he? He’s so hawt, isn’t he? Remind Crissy to tell you about the religious experience she had once while watching him on Oprah. It changed Crissy’s life.

Anygay, it was Girlfriend in the closet.

And she had the haircutting scissors Crissy uses to trim Girlfriend’s ends.

And she was standing in a pile and holding fist fulls of her HAIR!!!

Her beautiful, beautiful, beautiful hair!

And Crissy was not even able to assess the damage because right away all she saw was the piles of curls and she immediately went into hyper-active and freaked the fuck out.

And then Girlfriend freaked the fuck out because Crissy did and poor Mister was in the shower shaving his balls and was all “what is happening? Somebody tell me what is happening!” because both Crissy and Girlfriend were running around the house crying and yelling because after her haircut Girlfriend now looks like Charo.

While that look may work for Charo, or, um, not, it does not work for Girlfriend, but Crissy supposes she should be really grateful it’s not worse.

Girlfriend could have cut off huge chunks right at the scalp and made herself look like she has The Cancer or something.

And Crissy knows all kids do this at least once in their lives and she fully expected it to happen at some point, but holy shit you guys. Crissy was not prepared for the shock of it.

And so Crissy’s task for today is to call the lovely Miss Stephanie, who cuts Mister’s hair (and who Mister is a little sweet on if you ask Crissy and her intuition), because so far Stephanie is the only person who Girlfriend has ever sat still for, and hopefully she can even out the choppy Charo-ness so that we can all move on and laugh about this someday very, very soon.



Remember the time Girlfriend chopped her hair up and looked like Charo?



Please tell Crissy your “once, when I was little, I cut my own hair” stories. It will make her feel much better.

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  1. You are absolutely right that it could have been worse. For instance, she could have taken the kitchen scissors and laid them flat against the part in her hair and went SNIP, removing a giant hunk directly at the scalp. And then you would have had to put extremely wide headbands on her for the next two years, which fortunately would have been relatively in style, say, when I was a child, but are definitely no longer, to cover the short chunk that stuck straight up from her head.

    The good part would have been that you could have referred to the short chunk that stuck straight up from her head as her “horn” for the next two years as well. My mom certainly wouldn’t have done anything like that, though. THAT would have been insensitive. Yeah.

  2. Nicole cut her hair with her kid scissors right above her ear, all the way across, giving her the look of a one sided mullet. Josephine never cut her hair but one time put a ton of vaseline in her hair. I washed it over and over, I even washed it with dish soap and it was still greasy.
    I actually re-read the first book again this weekend because I am comparing it to the show. I too got frustrated as the books went on with how there was less and less sex in them, but now with David gone, I don’t need to be reading sexy stuff. Laurel Hamilton wrote the fairie series that has sex and a vampire series which I haven’t read, but It seems her style.

  3. Shitfire, woman! What made her go all Britney Spears on you like that?

    When I was around Girlfriend’s age, my preschool teacher told me how much she like my long eyelashes. I love my preschool teacher. The next morning when my mom came to wake me up for preschool she thought I was sick. I looked odd, my eyes were unnatural looking. Yeah, in the middle of the night I found my dull as hell safety scissors and cut off all my eyelashes to give them to my teacher. They were lying in a neat little pile on the nightstand.

  4. When I was five I told my mom that my hair fell in front of my scissors when I was doing crafts. She gave me bangs, which didn’t work at ALL since I apparently have a huge cowlick. I had to live with that mistake until I was 12.

    There’s also a little girl in my school who had wonderful blonde curls just like girlfriend and one day she came in with a buzz cut because she had chopped all her hair so badly that nothing else could be done. It was terrible, even I felt like crying!

  5. Wow, Dingo! Can’t beat that one!

    I was very very fashion forward at age five, and I had this pretty lame hand-me-down dress that had been my cousin’s. Decided it really needed a black belt, so I drew one on with a permanent black Magic Marker. It was kind of hard to reach around and do the back, especially because I was wearing it at the time. Sadly, I didn’t even get to finish, because my mom yanked me out from behind the curtains where I was hiding and almost broke my arm. Also made my marker lines even more crooked-y.

  6. I never did such a thing, but my father did. He couldn’t get the many tangles out, so he decided he’d just cut them out, pell mell, without any regard for my sense of style (at the age of 3). I looked like shit.

    He also once used baby oil to wash my hair instead of shampoo.

    He must have hated me. No wonder I turned out this way.

    Excuse me, I need to call my therapist to share my epiphany.

  7. My mom was a crazy Pentecostal when I was younger and made us kids be that way too. There are a lot of rules associated with the Pentecostal life, one of them being that women don’t cut their hair and men don’t have hair beyond their collar, or ears, or something. Anyway, I didn’t have so much as a trim until I was 17. Finally fed up, I decided to go for it. I went from waist length hair to super-short-dyke-do and loved it. My mother didn’t talk to me for a week.

  8. I cut myself some bangs when I was about 6 because I was hot during the night and my hair was sticking to my face. In the morning, I blamed my aunt for cutting it while I slept and she got yelled at.

  9. Aww that picture at the hair-dresser is fabulous. Girlfriend still looks adorable, but seriously, how about them intuition skillz!?

    My story? Once when I was in 7th grade and just teetering on the verge of teenage rebellion, I was listening to Meatloaf in the den after school and I took a notion to grab the scissors. AND the razor. I shaved off the entire underside of my hair while listening to “Life is a Lemon” (Like the opposite of dudes who are balding.) Because I am so. bad. ass.
    Turns out, that the worst hair cut in existence.

  10. My first experience with haircutting came at the hands of the little urchin who sat behind me in first grade. I had a long thick braid which apparently ended up on her desk and the little whore cut about an inch and a half off the end. I guess it could have been worse, but I was fightin’ mad!

    Then, for a few years afterwards, I’d trim my hair on a whim, until my aunt told me that if I ever cut my hair again, she’d shave me bald. I knew she meant it.

    I am still afraid to get my hair cut.

  11. I once babysat this little girl who cut her own hair. Not on my watch but she had a very unfortunate hair cut for a very long time.

    I hope Girlfriend is looking fierce again.

  12. Wow, Dingo. That story is a leee-tle bit creepy. I still love you, though.

    When I was younger, I washed my baby sister’s hair with my mom’s Nair. The Nair bottle looked a little too similar to the Johnson’s Baby Shampoo bottle, if you ask me.

  13. I never cut my hair as a child, but a couple weeks ago I decided to trim my bangs right after I got out of the shower, forgetting that they would get even shorter when they dried…

  14. I never cut my hair when I was little, but I did rip a bunch out by accident when I was brushing it angrily. My mom had made me sleep in curlers again (which is really uncomfortable for those of you uninitiated in curler sleeping) and it was all knotted and I was pissed at her so I brushed it out myself and ripped a big chunk out.

    I love the face/hand gesture you’re getting in that picture. Like, “oy woman! get that camera outta my face!”

  15. I can’t tell you about cutting MY hair as a kid but I can tell you about the time my son took a giant hunk out of his bangs the day BEFORE PICTURE DAY AT SCHOOL!! Ya, the hairdresser had to cut them so short he looked like Julius Caeser.

    Lynne’s last blog post: In Defense of Squirrels

  16. I didn’t do any hair cutting but The Girl once took the Psycho Scissors (think REALLY LONG, VERY SHARP) and on New Year’s Eve, whilst I was at work (I worked the 4-midnight shift at that point) she went into the bathroom with the scissors and made 1 cut…soooo, on one side of her head she had hair down past her shoulders, the other side was cut above the ear.

    She then proceeded to walk downstairs to where her father was and when HE freaked the fuck out she said “It was like this”.

    She got punished… not for the actual hair cutting, but for a) swiping the Psycho Scissors with which she could have been seriously hurt and b)her “It was like this” lie.

    This was a couple days before she decided to tell me, in response to my asking her to pick up her room, “You’re the maid around here, get in there and pick up that mess”. Yeah… it was not a happy time.

    MsDarkstar’s last blog post: Picking a new pattern…

  17. I once cut my Barbie’s hair as a kid, but what happened when I was an adult was much worse…
    I was mixing cake batter with the electric mixer, and I must have leaned over too far, and my long hair got caught in the beaters. It ripped out a patch of hair from my scalp, right on top of my head.
    I called off of work that day because of a “bad hair day,” but for the next several months I had to wear my hair pulled back to cover up my bald spot. Plus, it grew back curlier than the other hair, so for a LONG time I had a little tuft of curly short hair sprouting from the top of my head. Not so cute…

  18. Oh you guys! These stories are wonderful!!! Thank you so much for sharing them with the rest of the Queefs.

    Dingo, that’s so sweet in a psycho kind of way.

    I don’t remember cutting my hair, and my mom didn’t either, but I remember the day my brother decided he wanted a mohawk. First, he cut his hair with scissors, then he got my dad’s razor and shaving cream and shaved off what was left.

    His head was bloody from the shaving and he thought he was pretty bad ass…until my dad actually kicked his ass for doing that.

    crissy’s last blog post: Cuchi-Cuchi. We will all look back on this and laugh! Hahahahahaha!

  19. Definitely need a visual of this. Please take pictures.

    I was never able to cut my hair because my mother always had my haircut super short. She never let me grow it out. Always afraid I would grow up to have very thin hair.

    So I cut my barbie dolls’ hair.

    Marie’s last blog post: Cafe Break

  20. I just remembered another hair cutting story. When my mom, aunt and uncle were little, my mother and my uncle decided it would be fun to cut off one, just one, of my aunt’s (the youngest) pigtails right at her ear. So watch out when Taco comes or girlfriend might be playing barbershop again.

  21. I’m so sorry Crissy! That gorgeous hair! I’m worried about Punky cutting one of the girls at daycare’s hair. They all have long gorgeous hair and I’m so scared that I’ll get there one day to be told that he’s given at least one of them a haircut. So far so good…

    Luckily he’s pretty much their bitch, so if anything they’ll probably cut his hair.

    Smelly Kelly’s last blog post: It’s A Doggy-Dog World

  22. One time I was twirling a comb around in my hair because who wouldn’t think that was a good idea and it got stuck.

    On top.

    That trip to the salon and the one where I got lice in Mexico have scarred me for life.

    Kiala’s last blog post: Cranky.

  23. After seeing Larissa Olenik’s character in “10 Things I Hate About You” I decided that my super curly hair should have bangs like hers. Which were parted in the middle. For some reason that was cool in 1998. But Larissa Olenik has super straight hair. And they looked beautiful on her.

    So I took dull scissors and chopped my beautiful curly hair into weird curly bangs that popped up like bug antennas.

    My Mother didn’t look at me for three days.

    MeaganKate’s last blog post: adulthood realized?

  24. I gave my little brother a haircut. It was not a good one. I was just practicing for the next one, though. It was worse.

  25. unfortunately, i wasn’t a child who didn’t know better when i cut my own hair off. instead, i was in probably 7th or 8th grade, and my mom didn’t let us use hair products. so one day i found a small round brush and decided to try to curl my hair with it.. so i wrapped my hair from the tips to the base in the round brush, while my hair was wet, and then blow dried it that way. around the brush. definitely had to cut it out.

    Alice’s last blog post: have you had your coffee yet? ok good. let’s talk about sex.

  26. I gave my younger sister a haircut using pinking shears. I thought it had a great feathered look, my mother did not agree.

    I can see why mister has the lovely Miss Stephanie cutting his hair.

  27. I had hair to my waist when I was about 6 years old. My mom loved my hair. Just think Bows and Yarn Ribbon extravaganza. One day my cousin Greg, three years my senior, grabbed my aunt’s scissors and convinced me to let him “style” my hair under Grandma’s kitchen table. My hair was in pigtails that day. Long story short, I had one pigtail when I came out from the table. Screaming. That’s pretty much all I remember. I think my mom had to be sedated. He and I thought the hair style was awesome. We were going for an edgy Cyndi Lauper sort of look. No one else appreciated his creativity. 🙂 It wasn’t really fixable. I wore a lot of hats until it grew out.

    Summer’s last blog post: The Darker Side of Me

  28. When my poor wife was about 4 her mom took her and her 6 year old sister to the salon and they both got their blond hair cut into a pixie cut and then portraits taken. When our daughter was about 4 she was looking at old pictures and came across the portrait and proceeded to say “Mom, I did not know you and your sister started out as boys”. Grandma still has not heard the last of this story!

  29. Sweet Jesus, that is hilarious! No, I mean REALLY REALLY FUNNY. I know you’re freaking out. But, let me first tell you a story about my brother when he was about Girlfriend’s age and he chopped off a huge chunk of his hair and then went on to adamantly deny deny deny until he got so mad at my mom and me for even considering accusing him of cutting his own hair that he was screaming and yelling at us and my mom finally agreed to end the argument. THAT was also HILARIOUS! But, back to your sweet little Girlfriend. My suggestion is not to even it out. But, let her live with her mistake. Because how else will she learn unless she has a bald spot or five for the next few weeks.

    SoMi’s Nilsa’s last blog post: Rebuilding

  30. I didn’t even cut my Barbies’ hair. But my sister was another story. Not only did she take scissors to her own hair… but most of her Barbies were bald and naked as they day they were born.

    Mermanda’s last blog post: Ten Years

  31. Please post pictures. Also, you should have a contest for the hair or sell it or something.

    When I was but a wee lad, another dude at my school remarked that I looked like a girl because my hair was so long. So, I stood in front of the mirror and chopped off a lot of hair pretty randomly. I was not staying with my parents at the time but my surrogates got really upset and took me to a fancy salon where, no kidding, about five hairdressers stood around me whispering and pointing. Then one would cut for a while, and then they would gather again to whisper and point. I can’t remember what I looked like when they were done. Probably a boy.

    stoogepie’s last blog post: A Crissy and stoogepie Fairytale

  32. my haircut – i trimmed my bangs when i was a kid, started out good but then went real, real short. it took months to grow out.

    my son – cut his hair some, but then i caught him cutting the dog’s hair.

    but i have you beat, my son pulled the fire alarm at school today & it had to be evacuated.
    yeah, that will be funny in about 10 years.

    justme’s last blog post: FIRE, i wish i was joking

  33. I locked myself in the bathroom when I was 6 and chopped off all my Barbie’s hair and then because I wanted to look like Barbie, of course, I chopped off my hair, which was the point when my mom knocked on the door and asked if I was ok in there. I pretty much looked like a boy. I was quite popular the year before in school, but that’s the year when I cemented my place in nerd territory. I like to blame it on the hair.

    Megkathleen’s last blog post: Camping is for losers

  34. So what did Miss Stephanie have to end up doing to her hair? I am a hair dresser and I currently am the one people bring their children into when they hack it off on their own.

    I am a twin and when my sister and I were about 4 we each got a plastic tumbler cup and scissors and sat on our living room floor and each cut off our own bangs and put the hair in the cups (at least we were neat about it!) so my mom had two lil girls with spikes coming out the front of their heads! We have a few pictures of that time…

  35. When I was 5 I decided to give myself bangs. It was NOT a pretty look. My mom usually cut my hair, but couldn’t fix what I had done. The stylist did as much as she could….but I sure looked funny in pictures for a while!

    KT’s last blog post: Weekend wrap-up

  36. When I was a kid? I cut my own hair now. And then I need to go and get it fixed.

    It’s a thing. Some girls eat their own hair, when I’m stressed I have at it with the scissors.

    Maybe I should call my therapist and not leave this cry for help on a blog comment…

    Melissa Lion’s last blog post: Warning: A Knitting Post

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