Beer Goggles.

Crissy had a bunch of things to talk about this morning but what she’s going to talk about instead is Mister and his fucking beer bottles because right now at this very moment Crissy is fresh from yet another argument about them.

You see Queefs, Mister comes home and the first thing he does is pop the cap off a beer. He doesn’t say hello first, he just starts drinking. Clearly, Crissy keeps him pretty happy. And the beer cap falls on the counter, or the floor, wherever and that is where it stays. And when he finishes his beer, he puts the bottle down on whatever horizontal surface is available and goes to get another one.

IN THE KITCHEN!

NEXT TO THE RECYCLING BIN!

But he cannot be bothered to carry the empty bottle with him. Lots of times, he puts the empty bottle next to the recycling bin but not in it.

It’s right fucking there!

And so when Crissy wakes up in the morning and starts her day, the first thing she has to do is clean up the frat house type mess of bottles and bottle caps littering her house.

Now some of you may be asking “why not just leave the bottles for him to pick up himself?” and to this Crissy will say

Hahahahahahahaahah!!! You dumbass!

Mister does not even see the bottles and bottle caps once he is finished with them. It’s like they fall into another dimension that only Crissy can experience and it pisses Crissy off to no end and then there’s a fight which leads to fighting about the dirty sock balls and used paper towels and Kleenex and gobs of ABC Nicorette gum and candy wrappers left everywhere but where they belong.

And Mister tells Crissy that she should count her blessings because he could be out whoring or gambling (?) and so being treated like a hotel maid is pretty good and Crissy should be grateful.

Are you as flabbergasted by this logic as Crissy is?

And Crissy is just saying that if she’s going to take it in the Cheney, he can pick up after himself.

This is what the Crissys fight about Queefs.  It’s never about money or getting blow jobs from random students over at the college or anything like that but it still gets ugly around here and if Mister isn’t careful he’s going to find himself with a beer bottle up his ass.

How’s that for taking it in the Cheney?

Knowing him though, he’d probably like it just to spite Crissy.



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47 comments

  1. Another reason I love getting updates in my reader is that I get the unedited versions of blog posts most of the time … like this morning.

    But, yeah, that is ridiculous. And remember, it’s not putting the bottle in there that’s the thing, it’s which end you put in first. Just sayin’.

    Mr. POSSLQ’s last blog post: My Half-and-Half Weekend

  2. “And Mister tells Crissy that she should count her blessings because he could be out whoring or gambling (?) and so being treated like a hotel maid is pretty good and Crissy should be grateful.”

    THIS logic is why AT LEAST one of my Ex-Husbands is an EX Husband.

    Just sayin….

    I’m sorry the QOFE has to put up with this. Especially whilst preggers.

    MsDarkstar’s last blog post: Yep, teabaggin’ the cat would have been better

  3. I swear you and I lead identical lives sometimes. Me and my mister have this same fight all the time. But over yogurt and cat food containers. He brings them to the sink to rinse out, but leaves them full of water in the sink. So most days, I’m greeted by nasty day-old water-filled yogurt and cat food cans. So gross. The recycling bag is like two steps away. He also brings his coffee mugs to the sink, but doesn’t put them in the dishwasher, which is right next to the sink. I especially love it when the hub gets mad about me not putting something away – like my shoes or the mail or whatever.

    I think it’s in their DNA though. My dad and brothers used to bring their trash to the countertop right above the trash can, but didn’t actually put it in the can. Makes tons of sense.

  4. The chickens have this very same fight. Especially in the summer time when the old beer sitting in bottles on the patio and around the house attract bees…but by then it’s somehow MY fault that we have a million trillion flies and bees in the house.

    chicken lips’s last blog post: To be done

  5. I don’t know about this one! I am the mess that gets cleaned up after in my house. It’s not that I enjoy a mess, I just really don’t like being the person who cleans it up.

    I’m spoiled that way. I guess the verdict is that my mom was up my ass as a kid and I never had to lift a finger, so now I expect the same. Huh.

    Smelly Kelly’s last blog post: Weekend Recap

  6. Put the beer bottles in his drawers. Or under his pillow. Or in his car. That’s what I do when my hubby leaves shit everywhere.

  7. Matt- You’ll read about them tomorrow. After I published the post I realized it was too long and I had to chop it up. sorry. come back tomorrow though!

    Mr. POSSLQ- You really are up early! I won’t use lube when I do it either and It’ll be Big end first.

    Ms. Darkstar- But we don’t fight about BIG stuff, it’s just roomate stuff. I don’t see why we should have to live with boys at all.

    Daisee- I think it’s just married life and some sort of flaw in the male DNA that clouds the thinking.

    chicken- Oh I know it! And it gets moldy too! EW!

    Smelly- I don’t like cleaning it up either but somebody has to…

    k8- Dirlfriend goes around and drinks whatever is left in them. DCYF should probably come now.

    Lynne- He wouldn’t notice. I swear to god we’d live like Sanford and Son if it weren’t for me.

    crissy’s last blog post: Beer Goggles.

  8. It is posts like this that make me slightly horrified of ever living with a guy. I think I’ll just keep enjoying my single life a little while longer…

    Cal’s last blog post: "I want…"

  9. Oh Crissy and oh all the other wives that put up with this stuff… It’s just the circle of life I’m afraid. You’ll have to put it up with it until an antelope attacks and eats him and then a lion comes and eats the antelope and vultures circle above and prey on the rotting carcass. Hopefully it’s not in the living room or something, because that’s way worse than some beer bottles…

    Anyway I say you put them all in the recycling bin and place the bin on the driver’s seat of his car with a note that says THIS IS WHERE YOUR EMPTY BOTTLES GO DARLING. NO HEAD, NO BUSH, NO CHENEY UNTIL YOU GET THIS RIGHT (EVEN IF I’M ASLEEP)! HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY, LOVE YOUR ADORING WIFE. It’s a sacrifice for you too, but drastic times call for drastic measures sugar.

    Candy’s last blog post: Spam Mail…

  10. Cal- Find a boy who’s like, 90% gay and you’ll be all set.

    Chris- Just throw your beer bottles away and you’ll be happy forever!

    Candy- Where can I get an antelope because there’s just a one time clean up involved in that method.

    Shelly- Mister used to smoke but he quit. Sometimes he still needs the gum to help him.

    crissy’s last blog post: Beer Goggles.

  11. I have recommended Stever read this post. As an instructional sort of thing. Or, more like a triangular communication about a similar problem in my own home.

    I hope this makes an impression on Stever. A man who, I’ll say it, considers Ken a hero of sorts…except wait…

    NO KEN IS NOT A HERO (In this situation) HE IS DOING SOMETHING WRONG. PUT AWAY THE BEER BOTTLES!

    Melissa Lion’s last blog post: I’m Not Meant for High Fashion

  12. This is not a random guy thing. My Mrs is the same as Mr, except it is not beer bottles it is cups of pop (I wish I could have said bottles of lube, but then my pants would have started on fire). I think in any ongoing relationship there is one who cleans and one who does not give a flip. let us know how the bottle up the cheney works, I’ve been trying to get the Mrs to try it out, maybe this would do the trick? Just saying (hoping).

  13. Pimp- There’s been a beer can sitting on the bar for approximately four weeks. I’ve been waiting to see how long it would take you and I’m still waiting…

    John- Wouldn’t the world be a glorious place if everyone just cleaned up after themselves?

    crissy’s last blog post: Beer Goggles.

  14. You need to reach a compromise….. Ours is, I throwaway my beer cans and she puts the toilet seat back up. Peace and harmony, well most of the time.

  15. Marie- Houstraining a boy is a lifelong process.

    Pimp- SO I HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL THE NEXT TIME HE COMES OVER AND THEN GET ON HIS ASS ABOUT IT??? Nay, nay.

    pmac- I thought that taking it in the Cheney in exchange for him picking up after himself WAS a good compromise.

    Kiala- OH! OH! Uh-huh, uh-huh. I forgot about the roaches all over the place!

    crissy’s last blog post: Beer Goggles.

  16. “why not just leave the bottles for him to pick up himself?”

    Yeah, I’d heard that advice from other women too. If we left my husband to clean up, we wouldn’t have a clean dish or glass. Nary a one and it wouldn’t bother him at all! I’d never thought of the other dimension theory. I just thought my husband was an inconsiderate asshat, who thinks I’m his fucking servant. OH, and when my top blows— he pulls the timeline bullshit too. The I-was-getting-around-to-it, why-are-you-so-fucking-impatient excuse. I have three sons who are modeling themselves after him. YAH for fucking me!!!

    Summer’s last blog post: Tuesday Nothings

  17. Mister is a pain in the ass!

    Here at work he has his beer soda cans all over the fucking place

    Not to mention old candy wrappers from 3 years ago, opened old crackers, old paper plates

    Nah he cant be bothered to throw them away in the trash which is right next to his desk

    And then he laughs when i get annoyed and throw his shit out

    Unfortunately i am not in the position to say no “cheney” for you

  18. Mary- My! That is mighty patient. I would have killed him by now. Good for you!

    Summer- I don’t know why, but I think you might also be fresh from an argument too…maybe I’m psychic.

    crissy’s last blog post: Beer Goggles.

  19. Aznman- You’re the only other person in the whole world who knows what I’m forced to put up with. I know you like the Cheney, but you have to be strong! Deny him! We must present a united front or he’ll never change his ways!

    crissy’s last blog post: Beer Goggles.

  20. MeaganKate- As it turns out, that is NOT how you do it. I learned the hard way, but it’s not too late to save yourself!

    Summer- I figured. You sound exactly like me.

  21. Shane, lines them up on the table for me and saves the beer caps. So I understand & I want to beat my mans ass for it all the time but, he would like that way to much!

  22. Mine carries his mostly empty glass of milk to the kitchen and leaves it on the counter NEXT TO the sink. Do you know what happens to a glass with a few millimeters of milk in it over night? It turns into a crusty mess that can only be cleaned off with a freaking fingernail. WHY CAN’T YOU JUST RINSE IT OUT FOR GOD’S SAKE! THE SINK IS RIGHT THERE! Jesus Christ. Every god damned day.

    Mermanda’s last blog post: Ten Years

  23. Mine does that too! Except he does it w/ almost everything. Beer bottles, empty DQ blizzard cups, water bottles, napkins, etc. You name it and I pick it up after him. He claims this is completely false and that he picks up after himself. Hell no he doesn’t. And I threaten him that I’m going to stop picking up after him but it DRIVES ME INSANE seeing it all just sitting there for more than a day when it is so simple to just throw it away! And the kicker of it all is that when he lived alone he was a very clean guy. So now he’s just doing it b/c he KNOWS I’ll pick up after him. Can you tell that we’ve had a few fights over this subject before???

    Kellie’s last blog post: (Not) Wordless Wednesday

  24. Kellie – crack me up!! mine was a clean guy before we married too!!! And he apparently used to cook!!! So what the hell happened?? I still put out, so I know that’s not it!

  25. It was really weird. I woke up early this morning and was in the middle of my morning cup of coffee when Melissa INSISTED that I read your blog today, Crissy. I mean she was REALLY REALLY REALLY concerned that I read it and while I may not be the sharpest marble in the bag, I could tell that someone’s health & safety was definitely on the line. So of course, I read it.

    and I went about my day.
    but I continued to think about it.
    .. and sadly, it wasn’t until I had almost reached Costco that the clouds of obliviousness parted, and the shining clear light of dawning realizing shone forth.

    “if Mister isn’t careful he’s going to find himself with a beer bottle up his ass”

    I am never drinking 40’s in this house again.

  26. Bottles can’t be trashed?
    Then your legs can’t be opened. 😉

    No sex can make a man perform magic, unless he’s so irresistable that you can’t go too long without him. Then, you’d just have to turn to violence.

    Akilah Sakai’s last blog post: Happy Bearth Day

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