Yes, but what if your Spirit Guide is an asshole?

Yesterday Crissy was sitting at her desk when she came to this book that needed cataloging.

It’s a book about contacting your Spirit Guide or guardian angel or whatever you want to call them so they can be a bigger part of your life or something like that.

And at first Crissy loves the idea of having a Spirit Guide because as you know Crissy is plagued by fears of clowns, escalators, garbage disposals, being in open spaces, being in closed spaces, and things that spin too fast and it brings her comfort to think that perhaps she’s not walking through the dangers of everyday existence all alone.

Crissy also thinks that her Spirit Guide must be pretty badass because she lives a pretty awesome life and is lucky in so many ways that other people are not, and she has gotten away with a considerable amount of jackassery like driving a car after too many vodka sodas or flirting with strange boys without so much as a single incident.

Of course there have been those two or three stalkers, but nothing really very bad ever happened to Crissy so that’s pretty impressive there Spirit Guide!

THANKS!!!

Crissy is glad you’re a badass.

But then when Crissy thinks about it, she’s not so crazy about the Spirit Guide idea at all in much the same way that she is at once comforted and horrified by the idea that her Grandma Helen is watching over her.

Tell Crissy something Queefs.

Where do Grandma Helen and Crissy’s Spirit Guide go when she’s being a very, very, naughty, bad, bad girl and sneaking downstairs and eating ice cream over a 100 calorie pack of chocolate cupcakes at 2 am?

or…

OR WHAT ABOUT when taking it in the Cheney during Sexy Time with Mister?

Does Grandma Helen pull up a chair and WATCH?

And this is what Crissy was thinking about at midnight last night and she woke Mister up to ask him what he thinks of that idea and he thinks his Spirit Guide not only watches, but actually guides him

“Get your butt up a little higher there Mister…that’s right! Oh! Not that high it’s going to come out...Awwwww! I told you that was too high! How long do you think it is, buddy?” and then Mister’s Spirit Guide just looks at Grandma Helen all incredulous like and says “why do I even bother, Helen?  He never listens!”

And if these Spirit Guides are real, what about all the little children who are sick or abused or neglected or stolen from their mommies and daddies? Their Spirit Guides clearly have their heads up their asses if you ask Crissy.

What about the people who get very sick or get into terrible accidents? Again, Spirit Guide, being an asshole.

And does Alice have a Spirit Guide?

Sigh.

So many questions, Queefs.

And Crissy dare not make fun of the Spirit Guide because what if he/she reads Crissy’s blog?

WHAT IF CRISSY’S SPIRIT GUIDE IS ACTUALLY WRITING THIS RIGHT NOW?

Crissy just freaked her own freak with that one…

Maybe Crissy should just read Sylvia’s book because if Mister is ever going to see the Cheney again, she needs an answer.

The Bush is bad enough, but the Cheney?

Grandma Helen would not approve.

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31 comments

  1. Well, crap. I’ve never quite thought about the spirit world being voyeuristic like that.

    It’s bad enough having the dogs and cat watch!!!………they are such pervs.

  2. So many questions for this early in the morning. I think you need to read the book and issue us lazy Queefs a book report.

  3. I think all your answers are on the CD that accompanies the book. I’m sure if you play it during Sexy Time, it will provide all the necessary guidance.

    Dingo’s last blog post: Washed Up

  4. My question is, when we die, can we BECOME spirit guides? Cuz that seems like it would be fun. You could totally mess with people’s heads.

  5. Tess- You know they’re watching! I mean, wouldn’t you?

    Shelly- What’s up with the pets hanging around watching? Sickies.

    Daisee- Will do! I hate it when people say that.

    Dingo- And with Sylvia’s sexy chain smoker voice too…

    Lynne- I know you won’t judge people who take it in the Cheney…wink wink.

    crissy’s last blog post: Yes, but what if your Spirit Guide is an asshole?

  6. Yes, Crissy. For the believers of the spirit world and all that stuff, they do watch. Everything! I saw that clarified on Montel once and it freaked me the hell out. Still does to this day.

    I don’t want dead family to watch and make sure I wipe from front to back!

    Akilah Sakai’s last blog post: Catch This Mom

  7. I used to think my grandpa was watching everything I did. Masturbating at 13 years old and being horribly ashamed. Now, I just don’t think about it. I can’t. Block it out, Crissy. BLOCK IT OUT.

  8. i’d like to think my spirit guide enjoys watching sexy time. i mean, who doesn’t like some voyeur action from time to time? it’s much more embarassing for me to think about them watching me when i’m shaving my girly bits, or something.

    Alice’s last blog post: solo

  9. I’m glad I’m not the only one who worries about this stuff. Right after my husband’s mom died I worried about her watching us in the bedroom for months. She always thought I was such a “nice” girl. Not too sure what she thinks of me now. Also, my dad died last year from complications of a lung disease and now whenever I’m smoking the wacky tobaccy I worry that he’s up in heaven shaking his head back and forth and being really disappointed in me.

  10. How in the blue blazes do I add you to my list of favorite bloggers so I can find you easily? I’m blogspot bumfuzzled!!!

  11. This is my first comment on your awesome blog. I freaking love it more than any blog ever on earth. I am sorry it took me so long to comment, but seriously, you are my blog idol!

  12. Aw man – it’s been about 2 months since I’ve been in blogland so I’m seriously missing out because now you’re asking the tough questions.

    In all seriousness I’m not too sure how much our Spirit Guides and relatives that have passed on WANT to see our lovely flubs and nubs swinging, hanging, standing and dropping upon entry or exit, so we can all rest assured that Mister can get the Bush AND the Cheney as much as he wants.

    I say this only because if my Grampa Eddie saw all the things I’m doing especially now that I own HIS house – wow, he would’ve had the Big Guy strike me dead by now.

    Then again Gramps was kind of a freak so he may in some twisted way be proud.

    .Shudder.

    Candy’s last blog post: Spam Mail…

  13. The guides either look away or don’t care. The physical form is just not that important when you’re not living in one.
    Your relatives don’t hang around you all the time. They’re busy on the other side doing what they want to do. They just check in from time to time. Some day you will get over yourselves and stop being so self-conscious.

  14. Hope you don’t mind “late” comments, but I just discovered your blog–funny stuff!

    Since the photo no longer shows up, I can’t see the book, but are you talking about Sylvia Browne? I don’t discount that there may be spirits or what have you near us–I think we humans would be pretty arrogant to assume that we understand everything about the Universe–but that Browne woman is a disgusting phony who preys on desparate, confused people and has done actual harm, yet she’s still around.

    Check out some of the material here http://www.stopsylvia.com/articles/, if you’re interested.

  15. Didn’t Carlos Casteneda get in touch with his spirit guide by taking copious quantities of peyote..he had a proper good chinwag with him, then turned into a crow and fly to Panama or something…good story anyhow, sold heaps of books.

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