Yesterday Crissy was sitting at her desk when she came to this book that needed cataloging.
It’s a book about contacting your Spirit Guide or guardian angel or whatever you want to call them so they can be a bigger part of your life or something like that.
And at first Crissy loves the idea of having a Spirit Guide because as you know Crissy is plagued by fears of clowns, escalators, garbage disposals, being in open spaces, being in closed spaces, and things that spin too fast and it brings her comfort to think that perhaps she’s not walking through the dangers of everyday existence all alone.
Crissy also thinks that her Spirit Guide must be pretty badass because she lives a pretty awesome life and is lucky in so many ways that other people are not, and she has gotten away with a considerable amount of jackassery like driving a car after too many vodka sodas or flirting with strange boys without so much as a single incident.
Of course there have been those two or three stalkers, but nothing really very bad ever happened to Crissy so that’s pretty impressive there Spirit Guide!
Crissy is glad you’re a badass.
But then when Crissy thinks about it, she’s not so crazy about the Spirit Guide idea at all in much the same way that she is at once comforted and horrified by the idea that her Grandma Helen is watching over her.
Tell Crissy something Queefs.
Where do Grandma Helen and Crissy’s Spirit Guide go when she’s being a very, very, naughty, bad, bad girl and sneaking downstairs and eating ice cream over a 100 calorie pack of chocolate cupcakes at 2 am?
OR WHAT ABOUT when taking it in the Cheney during Sexy Time with Mister?
Does Grandma Helen pull up a chair and WATCH?
And this is what Crissy was thinking about at midnight last night and she woke Mister up to ask him what he thinks of that idea and he thinks his Spirit Guide not only watches, but actually guides him—
“Get your butt up a little higher there Mister…that’s right! Oh! Not that high it’s going to come out...Awwwww! I told you that was too high! How long do you think it is, buddy?” and then Mister’s Spirit Guide just looks at Grandma Helen all incredulous like and says “why do I even bother, Helen? He never listens!”
And if these Spirit Guides are real, what about all the little children who are sick or abused or neglected or stolen from their mommies and daddies? Their Spirit Guides clearly have their heads up their asses if you ask Crissy.
What about the people who get very sick or get into terrible accidents? Again, Spirit Guide, being an asshole.
And does Alice have a Spirit Guide?
So many questions, Queefs.
And Crissy dare not make fun of the Spirit Guide because what if he/she reads Crissy’s blog?
WHAT IF CRISSY’S SPIRIT GUIDE IS ACTUALLY WRITING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Crissy just freaked her own freak with that one…
Maybe Crissy should just read Sylvia’s book because if Mister is ever going to see the Cheney again, she needs an answer.
The Bush is bad enough, but the Cheney?
Grandma Helen would not approve.
- Crissy has the Birthday Anxiety and the only cure is PRESENTS!
- It’s a TOOMA!!!
- The peanut-crunching crowd shoves in to see them unwrap me hand and foot, the big strip tease. Gentleman, ladies these are my hands, my knees.
- Itty bitty titty committee
- Crissy’s Gift to the Pathetic, Downtrodden, Shat Upon Queefs at Work on Christmas Eve