Crissy has no idea what the title of this post has to do with anything, but maybe by the end it will have something to do with something.
We’ll see.
Crissy and Alice have been watching the Today Show and you know what that means.
They’re all fired up again.
And this time it’s Tori Spelling.
The only good thing Crissy and Alice will say is that they loved her dress, but other than that?
eye roll
She was on yesterday morning talking about all the crap she’s up to and she’s got a reality tv show, and some drama with her mama, and she’s written a book (!)and she’s wicked skinny, and there’s a new line of kid’s clothes coming out in the fall, and Crissy thinks she’s even got a fucking fragrance or some crap like that coming out too.
What is it with every celebrity needing a fragrance these days? It’s weird. Who the hell wants to smell like Sara Jessica Parker?
Crissy just wants her shoes and maybe some of her clothes, but that’s it.
Anyway, Tori Spelling.
And she’s all “I’m a woman just like everyone else” and Meredith Vieira is all swoony over all of Tori’s AMAZING and INCREDIBLE accomplishments and Crissy is just like “oh. Please. Don’t be an asshole, Meredith.”
Alice is smarter and more creative than Tori Spelling.
And she’s much better looking, too.
Tori looks like a donkey with lipstick and fake eyelashes.
But you know what Alice doesn’t have and Tori does?
MONEY and CONNECTIONS.
So Crissy and Alice are totally unimpressed with all of Tori’s success because she’s had the resources to pretty much do whatever she wants.
And Alice?
Not so much.
So Crissy and Alice think it’s bullshit that everyone is so knocked out when a celebrity has all sorts of crap going because really?
If Crissy and Alice had the resources, they’d have a lot of stuff going on too.
In fact, Alice has been working on a fragrance.
It’s an earthy scent.
It sort of smells like grass and bunny shit.
She’s just not sure how to get the marketing just right.
And Crissy is thinking of turning her blog into a book because seriously?
If Doosh and Tori Spelling can do it, Crissy can do it.
Also, Schmuckytown Pubic just had a big budget decrease and so they have to cut some stuff and Crissy might lose her job so we have to think of something else for her to do.
Anybody got a favorite story they think should go in there because Crissy doesn’t even know where to start…
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True. What is it with the Must-have-fragrance-and-clothing-line bandwagon in Hollywood? Jeez!
If you write a book, do put in the Cock Cup story, pictures and all! Plus, your infamous banana swallowing pic should be the cover!
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Or maybe Alice does have money and connections. Can you honestly say you know what shes doing when nobodys home?
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If Crissy needs help with Eau du Alice, let me know. I have an abundance of bunny shit that I just throw away… I’m sure Greg (the bunny who produces said waste) would only want a tiny percentage and could probably be persuaded to work for parsley and carrots!
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I’d never made the connection before but now I can totally see it, Tori Spelling DOES look like donkey! Bwahahaha!
On another note, I hope you don’t lose your job lady. Stupid cut backs.
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Akila- Cock cup story. Check.
Matt- I can say with almost 100% certainty that she goes through the trash, cleans out the cat box and eats it under the dining room table, and then goes upstairs for a nap and rubs her ass on my pillow. Other than that, I really don’t know what she’s up to. Do you think she could be writing a book too?
Ms. Darkstar- I’m sure Alice would be willing to pay for the shipping to bring it to RI!
Marie- I will die if I don’t have a job and a life outside my house. DIE.
I’ve been away from bloggy world for a while and I did NOT need to see Tori Spelling’s donkey face first thing upon my return!
I hope you don’t lose your job but if you do, you can turn it into a blog and milk it far beyond anyone’s interest. When people lose their jobs due to layoffs, we can call it Crissyed! Good idea, huh?
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I’m all about the book. What will you call it?
Hilarious post! First time visiting your blog. Love it!
Dingo- You’re a fucking genius. Marry me.
k8- I will call it “Why You Should Never Sell Your Panties on Craigslist: The Misadventures of a Bored Mama.” OR “It Ain’t Easy Being Queen” What do you think?
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Loukia- THANK YOU!!!
oof, tori really is rough on the eyes. and i always think of ray pruit when i hear her name. remember him on (the old and the REAL) 90210?
It Ain’t Easy Being Queen. Yep.
I’m no stranger to job cuts, I hope they get rid of the Catholic lady who doesn’t like abortions.
Tori Spelling has always reminded me of something, I just couldn’t ever decide what. NOW I know!
Did you know that her husband tattooed that ugly mug on his body? I’m all for tattoos, but of that thing? Yuck.
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i wish that bitch would fucking go away and never come back
i’d stick my dick in BOTH nanny mcphee AND the donkey before it got anywhere near that pile of shit.
Oh. My. God. She does look like a fucking donkey! In addition to being absolutely hilarious, you are wise. Very wise.
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Brookem- how could anyone forget Ray?
k8- that’s my favorite too.
Smelly- One can only hope she goes first. Jesus will provide for her…
Deutlich- Oooo. SNAP!
Pimp- Double Snap.
Summer- They didn’t make me queen for nothin’
I think all these celebs have to come out with their own fragrance lines so the rest of us don’t smell their bullshit. Seriously, it’s out of control. Kind of like my hair. I wish they’d go into hair product lines instead.
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Actually, it’s two books. sTori tElling and Mommywood. And dont forget her HSN jewelry line. I like Tori so I won’t comment any further than to say her book is funny and she doesn’t get the credit she deserves.
As for a QOFE book, I’d buy it.
Tori and I are like THAT.
(Makes fingers crossed gesture)
She’s a bitch though.
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Did you hear the part where Meredith said she’d read Tori’s book? Oh Meredith.
Also, Kiala and I are commenting at the same time.
Tori Spelling and Britney Spears should have a talent contest. A full week for either of them to find just ONE talent.
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ick. tori spelling is a bitch. she needs to just go away. its funny that she complains about her mother so much, because it seems as though they’re just alike.
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hmmmmmmm, tess actually provides a counterpoint to the gangbang….
could we all be wrong about tori spelling???
OK yeah so she’s got money and connections and is a homewrecker but you know what?
I still love her because she is DONNA FREAKING MARTIN
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Tori Spelling, Blah!
Never liked her… over rated cause her late dad got money and she was in that moronic Beverly hills show…
She ain’t cute.
Alice is. (High five – paws)
*end of hate
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I will totally buy your book. And I will love it.
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Schmuckytown Pubic cannot endure without the QOFE. I will offer to take a $1 salary in order that the QOFE can keep her job. Wait…. that’s what I already get paid. Nevermind.
People that look like animals! One of my favorite subjects!
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Hehe, sehr gut. Komme jetzt
I’ve said that least 1787665 times. The problem this like that is they are just too compilcated for the average bird, if you know what I mean
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