The 500 Hats of Bartholomew Cubbins

Crissy has no idea what the title of this post has to do with anything, but maybe by the end it will have something to do with something.

We’ll see.

Crissy and Alice have been watching the Today Show and you know what that means.

They’re all fired up again.

And this time it’s Tori Spelling.

The only good thing Crissy and Alice will say is that they loved her dress, but other than that?

eye roll

She was on yesterday morning talking about all the crap she’s up to and she’s got a reality tv show, and some drama with her mama, and she’s written a book (!)and she’s wicked skinny, and there’s a new line of kid’s clothes coming out in the fall, and Crissy thinks she’s even got a fucking fragrance or some crap like that coming out too.

What is it with every celebrity needing a fragrance these days? It’s weird. Who the hell wants to smell like Sara Jessica Parker?

Crissy just wants her shoes and maybe some of her clothes, but that’s it.

Anyway, Tori Spelling.

And she’s all “I’m a woman just like everyone else” and Meredith Vieira is all swoony over all of Tori’s AMAZING and INCREDIBLE accomplishments and Crissy is just like “oh. Please. Don’t be an asshole, Meredith.”

Alice is smarter and more creative than Tori Spelling.

humiliation_MG_0642-30

And she’s much better looking, too.

Tori looks like a donkey with lipstick and fake eyelashes.

But you know what Alice doesn’t have and Tori does?

MONEY and CONNECTIONS.

So Crissy and Alice are totally unimpressed with all of Tori’s success because she’s had the resources to pretty much do whatever she wants.

And Alice?

Not so much.

So Crissy and Alice think it’s bullshit that everyone is so knocked out when a celebrity has all sorts of crap going because really?

If Crissy and Alice had the resources, they’d have a lot of stuff going on too.

In fact, Alice has been working on a fragrance.

It’s an earthy scent.

It sort of smells like grass and bunny shit.

She’s just not sure how to get the marketing just right.

And Crissy is thinking of turning her blog into a book because seriously?

If Doosh and Tori Spelling can do it, Crissy can do it.

Also, Schmuckytown Pubic just had a big budget decrease and so they have to cut some stuff and Crissy might lose her job so we have to think of something else for her to do.

Anybody got a favorite story they think should go in there because Crissy doesn’t even know where to start…

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31 comments

  1. True. What is it with the Must-have-fragrance-and-clothing-line bandwagon in Hollywood? Jeez!

    If you write a book, do put in the Cock Cup story, pictures and all! Plus, your infamous banana swallowing pic should be the cover!

    Akilah Sakai’s last blog post: Bathtub Violations

  2. If Crissy needs help with Eau du Alice, let me know. I have an abundance of bunny shit that I just throw away… I’m sure Greg (the bunny who produces said waste) would only want a tiny percentage and could probably be persuaded to work for parsley and carrots!

    MsDarkstar’s last blog post: Dangerously Deluded Dittohead

  3. Akila- Cock cup story. Check.

    Matt- I can say with almost 100% certainty that she goes through the trash, cleans out the cat box and eats it under the dining room table, and then goes upstairs for a nap and rubs her ass on my pillow. Other than that, I really don’t know what she’s up to. Do you think she could be writing a book too?

    Ms. Darkstar- I’m sure Alice would be willing to pay for the shipping to bring it to RI!

    Marie- I will die if I don’t have a job and a life outside my house. DIE.

  4. I’ve been away from bloggy world for a while and I did NOT need to see Tori Spelling’s donkey face first thing upon my return!

    I hope you don’t lose your job but if you do, you can turn it into a blog and milk it far beyond anyone’s interest. When people lose their jobs due to layoffs, we can call it Crissyed! Good idea, huh?

    Dingo’s last blog post: Welcome to Crazytown

  5. I’m no stranger to job cuts, I hope they get rid of the Catholic lady who doesn’t like abortions.

    Tori Spelling has always reminded me of something, I just couldn’t ever decide what. NOW I know!

    Did you know that her husband tattooed that ugly mug on his body? I’m all for tattoos, but of that thing? Yuck.

    Smelly Kelly’s last blog post: Tales from the Hood

  6. Brookem- how could anyone forget Ray?

    k8- that’s my favorite too.

    Smelly- One can only hope she goes first. Jesus will provide for her…

    Deutlich- Oooo. SNAP!

    Pimp- Double Snap.

    Summer- They didn’t make me queen for nothin’

  7. I think all these celebs have to come out with their own fragrance lines so the rest of us don’t smell their bullshit. Seriously, it’s out of control. Kind of like my hair. I wish they’d go into hair product lines instead.

    SoMi’s Nilsa’s last blog post: Thin

  8. Actually, it’s two books. sTori tElling and Mommywood. And dont forget her HSN jewelry line. I like Tori so I won’t comment any further than to say her book is funny and she doesn’t get the credit she deserves.
    As for a QOFE book, I’d buy it.

  9. Schmuckytown Pubic cannot endure without the QOFE. I will offer to take a $1 salary in order that the QOFE can keep her job. Wait…. that’s what I already get paid. Nevermind.

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