How come Doosh gets to be on Oprah and Crissy doesn’t?

So Daisee, one of you loyal Queef/stalkers, sent Crissy a link all about how Doosh (or as some people call her, Dooce) is going to be on Oprah or that she was on Oprah or some such nonsense like that.

Well la-di-frickin’-da.

You guys remember how Crissy beat the pants off Doosh for Hottest Mommy Blogger, right?

(We don’t need to discuss that if she had announced on her blog that she was nominated that she would have slaughtered Crissy to death because not even Stoogie and his magical, magical, oh so large and impressive Stoogie wand could help Crissy then)

And you guys remember how as soon as Crissy got pregnant, Doosh ran out and got pregnant too, right?

And you know her baby is due in June too because Doosh’s ENORMOUS EGO just can’t let Crissy beat her again but Crissy will be victorious because Taco is due first so Pppppptttttttttt! to you Doosh.

So the article Daisee sent Crissy talks about how poor, poor little Dooshy got a little post partum-y and was sad because her husband was at work and she was all alone and lonely with the baby and then she checked herself into the zoo.

Did Crissy ever tell you that Mister went back to work full time only three days after Girlfriend was born and Crissy was all alone?

And nobody came to help her.

And Crissy and Girlfriend were just fine.

That pretty much makes Crissy a Goddess of Motherhood and Doosh a big, giant pussy girl.

Don’t get Crissy wrong now Queefs. She knows post partum depression is real and she is well aware that it can happen to her just as easily as it happens to anyone else and she’s praying to whoever that she doesn’t get it.

It’s just that she’s so much better than Doosh and that’s the point she’s trying to make.

And Doosh wrote a book about her depression because it seemed like such a big thing to tell everyone about how sad she was and how much it sucked ass.

Like we care, Doosh.

Like we care.

But so many people do, and Crissy doesn’t get it because she tried to read Doosh’s blog, she really did and she wanted to like it, but it’s just that it’s so boring.

And they say she makes $40,000 a month doing it.

WHAT?

Crissy made ten dollars last month.

And Doosh isn’t even pretty!

Crissy is way prettier than Doosh and everybody knows that automatically makes her better in every way imaginable.

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See?    

And Doosh thinks she’s gonna steal Brad Pitt from Crissy too.

AS.

IF.

SISTER.

Brad is Crissy’s even though she’d really rather have Alex O’ Loughin but now that she knows Doosh thinks the Pittster is sexy, Crissy’s not gonna let her have him.

HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ENOUGH FROM CRISSY ALREADY DOOSH?

Please Queefs.

If anyone knows Oprah, (Crissy is talking to you bff Rachel!) please call her and tell her that Doosh wants to be Crissy and that it’s no fairs she gets to be on the show and that Crissy doesn’t. Crissy wants to go on Oprah and talk about being Queen of Fucking Everything and how it pretty much makes her more awesomer than everybody, even Oprah. Crissy will even promise to control her mouth and not say even one naughty word.

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53 comments

  1. I used to love her blog but I can’t get into it anymore. I feel like now it’s just a home for her ads which – if they’re earning her $40k a month – make me feel rather insignificant.

    Let’s gangbang her after work.

    In a beaty-uppy sort of way. Not a down-and-dirty sort of way.

    Ben’s last blog post: Union Jane on why athletes date morons

  2. Hmm, I see something wrong with this picture. I CANNOT stand to read her blog. However, I LOVE reading Crissy’s. I look forward to your posts everyday! Keep up the good work! And, if I see Oprah around, fat chance though, I’ll tell her ’boutcha! You so deserve it more than Douche. ;D

  3. One of my problems with the Doosh is that the media seeks her out as if she’s the only blogger on earth. And I’m sorry, but Doosh definitely doesn’t represent most bloggers. In fact, she represents about 0.00001% of bloggers. Kind of like President Bush’s policy’s were good for about 0.00001% of the United States. Wanna bet she voted for him?

    SoMi’s Nilsa’s last blog post: Babies

  4. Once I realized that ads on blogs = money for the blogger, I clicky on the ads (as I did just before I came to enter this comment).

    I’ve read Dooce a couple times and I guess I just don’t “get” why she has millions of readers. I find maybe 1 of 50 Dooce posts that make me smile or are relateable whereas I find myself laughing or nodding in recognition daily here in the land of the QOFE.

    The only reason Dooce is in my consciousness AT ALL is I’d love to figure out how to make a living from blogging and she’s livin’ that dream.

    Oprah would LOVE Crissy. And Crissy should totally be on Oprah… bad words and all!

    MsDarkstar’s last blog post: This tickled me so I’m sharing…

  5. I don’t like Dooce. But then I do. But then I don’t. It’s very confusing really. I want her money and don’t really understand how her snapshots of her dogs got her so rich and why GE isn’t advertising on my stupid blog.

    AND I can’t figure out why anyone wants to read a book about post partum, because it sounds DEPRESSING!

    I also don’t like when they put her on TV, because her accent is stupid and irritates me. Like Paula Dean’s.

    Smelly Kelly’s last blog post: Flying My Freak Flag High Today

  6. Ben- Oh yes, not a fun sort of gang-bang. Save that one for me!

    Jac- I’m so jealous I could spit! That’s not obvious though is it?

    Shelly- Honey. Your blog is never boring.

    Kylie- Oh thank you!!!

    Nilsa- Don’t forget mothers. She represents ALL mothers too.

    Twila- YES!!!! I win again!

    Ms. Darkstar- Oprah could totally handle my mouth. I’m sure of it. I just don’t know about the Midwestern housewives. Not that I really care…

  7. the single biggest factor that turns me off on her blog is the sheer scope of it.

    like, who the fuck reads 1,000 comments to a post?

    so then she turns off commenting. so now you’ve just got a pulpit where someone is blogging AT you, and no means to discuss.

    it’s for this exact reason that i love going to see bands i like play the small venues. there’s much more camaraderie. less anonymity. more esprit-de-corps. people KNOW each other, recognize each other. the guy you waited in line with outside the club is now inside standing next to you in the john wizzing in the urinal. maybe you’ll actually see a headlining band member getting some drinks at the bar.

    when bands get so big and so popular that they HAVE to play ONLY the big venues, i stop going to the concerts. bad sound, parking nightmares, expensive beers, and getting herded like cattle? no thanks.

    i feel the same way about blogs.

  8. Hi there, I read your blog frequently and this is the first time I comment. Right about the same time I first read your blog I also got to read Dooce’s. I’ve kept on reading yours but I dropped Dooce’s a long time ago. What I can say is that her blog at the beginning was catchy and interesting in like a gossipy kind of way (she got fired for blogging about her boss, for example). I bet she got most of her readers around that time… Now it’s just boring.
    Anyway, I really enjoy your blog, I’m sure sooner or later you’ll get to Oprah 😉

  9. I’ve mentioned this before, but I’ll say it again I don’t even read her blog. Yours on the other hand I can’t ever get enough of!

    Also can’t stand Oprah. She’s overrated. Come to think of it, BOTH of these women are overrated!

    Plus you are like 50 gajillion times hotter.

    Marie’s last blog post: Vaca Mode

  10. Pimp- EXACTLY.

    Smelly- I want her money too. Like, bad.

    Erin- Wikipedia page you say? Hmmmmm…

    K8- she sucks up to celebrities too much.

    Matt- You’re so right.

    Elena- I would like Oprah to suck up to me someday like she sucks up to all the celebrities.

    Brookem- Thank you sweetie!

    Marie- Yes to everything you said!

    Lindsey- Dooooooosssssshhhhh!!!

    Pimp- Oh, well, that doesn’t make me feel so great. She looks like she’s way older than me. Shit. Oh! No! WAIT! That’s AWESOME! She looks old and I don’t. Hahahahahaha!!!

  11. Dude, if I knew Oprah I’d be all, “Hey O, get my QOFE on your show NOW.”

    Unfortunately the closest I’ve ever gotten to O was that time that Gayle King smiled and said hello to me in the Hearst building.

    stealthnerd’s last blog post: Frists and cankles

  12. So, when is the nude mud fight between you two gonna go down? You could both sling placentas after June! That’d get you on Oprah in no time … or locked up.

    P.S.
    I’m really not that gross, but I bet your placenta is mightier. You may get a K.O.

    Akilah Sakai’s last blog post: Sexy Time

  13. Your time will come, Crissy you will see. Some time ago I started reading her but I simply could not enjoy much of it in the end. Some people are lucky to have been booted out of work for blogging and yet 40K writing boring crap.

    PorkStar’s last blog post: Rolly-polly? Not yet…

  14. OK, I will not get into the “who’s hotter” issue–cause that was already settled. But DOOCE sucks as a blog–I think in the beginning Heather did a good job of it, but lately it reeks. One picture is an entry for 2 days??? “Daily Style” really takes hard research and imagination– she has been travelling promoting her book and the best she can come up with is a cheap CHAIN STORE ring??? On 40,000 a month? WTF. That takes ALOT of work–whew! She really earned her living there folks! The fact that she openly states she earns her living from this blog and continues to underpreform, turns me off. But then again, as we are discussing her, she is A: earning much more than any of us, and B: we are directing people to check her out and maybe buy her book. SO I’m done ranting, THANKS.

    Crissy–you are the best because you say so much of what we all WISH we could say. Keep it up, you too may get famous and hopefully we won’t have to hate on you.

  15. I can’t stand Dooce either. The only time I’ve ever read her is when I’m tired and need some reading material to help me sleep.

    And who names themself DOOCE??? Really? Really? Because the word Dooce reminds me of someone taking a hugh shit.

    Dolce’s last blog post: Sleeping tigers

  16. First of all, I have to thank the QOFE for mentioning me by “name.” It’s such an honor and a priviledge to be recognized by such a great person. Second of all, I agree with Pimp. I like that you read our comments and we all read each other’s comments and we all comment on them. It’s like a little family. Of random ass people who’ve mostly never met in real life. But a family nonetheless 🙂 Thanks QOFE for bringing us all together.

  17. I agree w/ Dolce. When I hear the word Dooce, I think shit. Like “whoa, someone just took a major dooce in the bathroom. do not go in there!”

    And yes Crissy, you are indeed much hotter. Like you needed me to confirm that anyway. 🙂

    Also, just read Chrissy’s Pimp last comment and I agree that slipping a queef out on Oprah would be monumental and quite possibly the best thing ever done on TV.

    Kellie’s last blog post: Wordless Wednesday

  18. Hey Anon! WELCOME! It’s been a long time since somebody came over here, said something stupid, and then ran away like a giant pussy. So glad you’re reading!

  19. You are way better than Douche. I’ve never even heard of her before reading this post. I checked it out and she indeed sucks ass. Much, much more entertaining here. The first time I found your site, I read for three straight hours. I went over there and could barely stand reading the one page. You rock, QOFE!!!!

  20. Her face is manly.
    very. aside from the actual “child” shes “growing”
    shes a man. i know the truth hahaha

    AND
    she bores the hell out of me.

    Im a new reader of yours, and i have seriously laughed out loud(in my workplace) more than a couple time since monday
    iloveyou

  21. well i just voted for you. doosh’s site is soooooo boring, and she is not even close to hot.

    keep up the good work.

    oprah smoprah

  22. In Doosh’s defence, her surname means she can lift heavy things more easily. But then – this one is a bit crapper – Crissy’s means she is better at breathing underwater.

    And that’s why I don’t usually bother to make these comment things.

  23. I read Dooce like once and tried to appreiciate because I was told she was queen, but this is so not true. Crissy is Queen.

    And you are HOTTER, I totally dig red-heads.

    No worries, I’m not a stalker or anything but if I went that way, well, I would be crushing on you and stalking you.

    Not that there is anything wrong with that…

    Melissa from Pittsburgh’s last blog post: Inconceivable

  24. I just want to let Chrissy know that today I got rid of my Dooce rss on my igoogle and added Chrissy instead, after Googling “Dooce Sucks” and finding this post and poking my nose around your archives. You most certainly are hotter that that egotistic head full of crazy. And more interesting. I used to like reading her – but a girl can only cringe over yet another post about how great her taste and style are. The $190 pillows, the Maytag rant debacle, listening to her tell Leta how hip and young her parents are going to look (while she’s sucking her thumb in the loony bin at 30 most likely and looking back at their branded nutso) and the “look at poor me getting hatemail” MTH section have completely made me puke in my mouth a lot. End of my giving her ad hits. Done.

  25. Why does Crissy talk about herself in the third person? And I wonder why Crissy spends so much of her energy focusing on other people’s shortcomings rather than on herself. Maybe then, she would be able to talk about herself in the first person. If you could please pass that on to Crissy… But just to be clear, there is nothing hot or pretty about someone like who acts like Crissy.

  26. no, i like it when she refers to herself in the third person.

    it’s the closest i’m ever going to come to fucking two chicks at the same time–and that’s pretty hot, you gotta admit.

  27. Wow…………………. someone needs midol and a box of tampons.

    Jealous much?

    PPD is very very real- it is crippling. Don’t be a hater because she is making money in her jammies… you’d be her if you could and then they’d all hate you too. People that come to slam her blog only do so out of jealousy- no one bothers slamming yours because it’s a waste of time.

  28. She rarely blogs, mostly advertises and show pictures of her dogs and baby. She now is going to have a tv show on HGTV, she is gonna be really rich.
    I like your blog, I will subscribe to it.
    .-= Connie T’s last blog post… Donuts =-.

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