Crissy does not know what happens when she steps into the kitchen to try and make things but something does and it’s terrible.
Call it a case of the momtards, call it illiteracy, call it ineptitude, call it impatience, call it inability to follow instructions, call it what you will but Crissy’s adventures in the kitchen, particularly with baking stuff, usually end in culinary abortion.
And Saturday morning was no exception as Crissy and Girlfriend set out to make a birthday cake for Mister to bring to Easter breakfast with the family.
And Crissy is well aware of her limitations in this department and so she tried to keep her expectations realistic and even though she may have wanted to make him something like this
because princesses are his favorite, Crissy opted instead for something that was more within her realm of possibilities and decided on this lovely lemon buttercream jobbie:
It’s not too fancy, right? Looks pretty do-able, right?
So Crissy bought a 365 Whole Foods brand organic lemon cake mix and followed the directions exactly.
And here’s what the bastard looked like when she took it out of the pans:
And why is it so flat?
But the buttercream frosting that took her and Girlfriend 1/2 hour to make came out fine, mostly because Girlfriend took control of the project.
But it was a little drippy. Girlfriend added too much milk.
(Yes. Crissy is totally going to blame her 3 year old for her culinary failures.)
And so Crissy considered trying something else but if she fucked up a mix that badly, how do you think she’d do from scratch?
But her mother convinced her that she could pull off a cake made from scratch and so Crissy did that instead and the whole time Crissy was making the cake she felt like Julianne Moore in that scene from The Hours (Crissy read the book too and even wrote like a 20 page paper on it, or was that Mrs. Dalloway or was it both? Crissy can’t remember, but anyway, Crissy doesn’t want any Queefs to think she just saw the movie and didn’t read the book and so literacy in the hiz-ouse, or however you’d spell that) where she made the cake and then dumped it in the trash can and drove her kid to the neighbor’s and never came back.
But it came out like this:
and so Crissy thought she’d stick around and not hang up her apron and go kiss a girl quite yet and come to think of it, Mister probably would have liked it better if Crissy had just kissed a girl instead of made a cake and she will remember that for next year.
But anyway, the cake looks pretty normal, right?
So naturally, Crissy thought she had nailed it.
But yesterday’s tasting didn’t go so well, Queefs. This is not the very best picture ever taken of Crissy but it’s about the cake and so just look at that.
The cake was, um, what one might call a wee bit dense. We had to get a sharper knife to cut it because it was really more the consistency of a 20 lb ham than a birthday cake.
Sorry about your birthday cake, Mister.
Crissy is a total failure as a wife and as a woman because everyone knows real women are exactly like Martha Stewart in the kitchen.
Crissy will have more about Easter tomorrow because she is certain you’re dying to hear all about the Easter Bunny and see how Girlfriend’s pictures came out this time and if she graduated to chucking the bird in her portraits this year or what.