Crissy is Queen of Everything (except cake)

Oh Queefs.

Crissy does not know what happens when she steps into the kitchen to try and make things but something does and it’s terrible.

Call it a case of the momtards, call it illiteracy, call it ineptitude, call it impatience, call it inability to follow instructions, call it what you will but Crissy’s adventures in the kitchen, particularly with baking stuff, usually end in culinary abortion.

And Saturday morning was no exception as Crissy and Girlfriend set out to make a birthday cake for Mister to bring to Easter breakfast with the family.

And Crissy is well aware of her limitations in this department and so she tried to keep her expectations realistic and even though she may have wanted to make him something like this

because princesses are his favorite, Crissy opted instead for something that was more within her realm of possibilities and decided on this lovely lemon buttercream jobbie:

It’s not too fancy, right? Looks pretty do-able, right?

So Crissy bought a 365 Whole Foods brand organic lemon cake mix and followed the directions exactly.

And here’s what the bastard looked like when she took it out of the pans:

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Sonofamotherfuckingcuntbitchcockinmymotherfuckingassholemotherdicklikingunclefucker.

It’s broken.

And why is it so flat?

But the buttercream frosting that took her and Girlfriend 1/2 hour to make came out fine, mostly because Girlfriend took control of the project.

But it was a little drippy. Girlfriend added too much milk.

(Yes. Crissy is totally going to blame her 3 year old for her culinary failures.)

And so Crissy considered trying something else but if she fucked up a mix that badly, how do you think she’d do from scratch?

EEEKKKK!

But her mother convinced her that she could pull off a cake made from scratch and so Crissy did that instead and the whole time Crissy was making the cake she felt like Julianne Moore in that scene from The Hours (Crissy read the book too and even wrote like a 20 page paper on it, or was that Mrs. Dalloway or was it both? Crissy can’t remember, but anyway, Crissy doesn’t want any Queefs to think she just saw the movie and didn’t read the book  and so literacy in the hiz-ouse, or however you’d spell that) where she made the cake and then dumped it in the trash can and drove her kid to the neighbor’s and never came back.

But it came out like this:

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and so Crissy thought she’d stick around and not hang up her apron and go kiss a girl quite yet and come to think of it, Mister probably would have liked it better if Crissy had just kissed a girl instead of made a cake and she will remember that for next year.

But anyway, the cake looks pretty normal, right?

So naturally, Crissy thought she had nailed it.

But yesterday’s tasting didn’t go so well, Queefs.  This is not the very best picture ever taken of Crissy but it’s about the cake and so just look at that.

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The cake was, um, what one might call a wee bit dense. We had to get a sharper knife to cut it because it was really more the consistency of a 20 lb ham than a birthday cake.

So yeah.

Sorry about your birthday cake, Mister.

Crissy is a total failure as a wife and as a woman because everyone knows real women  are exactly like Martha Stewart in the kitchen. 

Crissy will have more about Easter tomorrow because she is certain you’re dying to hear all about the Easter Bunny and see how Girlfriend’s pictures came out this time and if she graduated to chucking the bird in her portraits this year or what.

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24 comments

  1. total failure as a wife and woman?

    pshaw!

    i love you, baby, and i had a wonderful birthday.

    just keep working on building me a good lookin’, fully-assembled child.

    i’ll keep working on building you a nursery to put them in! 🙂

  2. It’s funny, because baking is the one area in which MsDarkstar does NOT fail as a woman. So, Crissy has the rest of everything womanly nailed and the QOFE does not need to be a total Domestic Goddess because she has her Queefs to handle things like baking. I wish it was easier to mail cupcakes…

    MsDarkstar’s last blog post: Sunday Stealing

  3. You sure the cake came out broken? Cuz, from this perspective, it looks like you stuck your head in the oven and bit some chunks out of it while it was still baking. You just couldn’t wait until it cooled off, could you?!

    SoMi’s Nilsa’s last blog post: Holidays

  4. BEST.CAKE.EVER

    frosting? CHECK
    somewhat of a cake shape? CHECK
    Sprinkles?CHECK
    Amazing story to go along with the best cake ever? TRIPLE CHECK!

  5. One word for you, dear Crissy — write this down: b-a-k-e-r-y. Like I learned when tiling the bathroom, there’s some things you do yourself, and some stuff best left to the pros. I s’pose you could leave the sucky-sucky for them too, but some things are just more cost-effective to do at home.

    Bill’s last blog post: Full Moon in the Morning

  6. Matt’s right. Cake for a guy is not necessary. Now, some whipcream, $2.49; a little pie filling, $3.21; a nice bottle of adult beverage, 24.99; and the kids in bed, priceless. If you happen to have two carrots around all the better (I think I saw that in a movie once).

  7. Okay, I was going to wait to comment until I got home and could see the pictures of the cakes, but I just had to rush right over when I saw this little news tidbit. The Duggars (the crazies in AR with 18 kids) are having their first grandchild!! The oldest kid who just got married in September is already expecting his first kid. They didn’t kiss until their wedding, but clearly figured out how to make a baby!! AND?? They’re doing like their parents and going to just have 800 million kids. And they’re going to use the same first letter in every kid’s name. The crazy continues!!!!!!!!

  8. I think cake is very, very important. However, you should make every effort to make your own porn. Making your own cake as well is just too much.

    You look fabulous, BTW. I’m sure that the family was blinded by your glowfullness and did not even notice the cake.

    stoogepie’s last blog post: A Crissy and stoogepie Fairytale

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