We’re nothing if not offensive around here.

So most of you Queefs didn’t notice that yesterday when she called the Freebirth peoples crazy bat shit dirty hippies that the actual lezbeefriend of a freebirthing woman from the Discovery Health show reads Crissy’s blog.

Or, well, she used to read Crissy’s blog before Crissy accidentally alienated her.

Whoops.

What are the chances of that?

Apparently, they’re not bad because it happened.

Anyway, Crissy feels sort of bad that she offended the lady because everything Crissy says is in good fun and mostly very bad taste and nothing is sacred here and nothing is safe especially not Crissy who makes fun of herself more than anybody and she isn’t trying to be mean.

Crissy isn’t mean.

She’s rather nice, actually.

Also, Crissy is funny and this is a HUMOR BLOG.

Hence, the funny.

That’s why you love Crissy so much.

Right?

Of course it is.

Also you love Crissy’s marvelous buttocks…

_MG_2855

And you know that when Crissy says crazy bat shit dirty hippie she means it in the most loving way imaginable.

But this incident has got Crissy thinking about what other types of crazy bat shit peoples must be reading and she’s wondering if she’s about to offend someone else too and that makes her afraid.

Clearly there are no Dirty Foreign People or Woodland Gays or Escalade Pajama Cunts who read her blog because we haven’t heard from any of them yet. Maybe there are lots of dirty people who like to pick their noses and eat it and now they’re mad because Crissy said they’re dirty.

(not for nothin’ but you guys should consider quitting. It’s disgusting.)

And Crissy is worried because she was going to write about Bad, Bad, Very Naughty Pirates who take over innocent ships full of sailors doing filthy things with one another and calling it being Mariners or something carrying supplies to Kenya and whatnot but now she’s not going to because what if one of those pirates is reading her blog right now?

What happens then?

Will they come over to Crissy blog and shout Arrrrggggg! right at her and then take over and all hell will break loose?

WILL CRISSY HAVE TO WALK THE PLANK OVER SHARK INFESTED WATERS???

Crissy is too pretty to walk the plank!

So, um, ARRRRRRGGGG! and everything like that.

And, you know, GO PIRATES!

It’s your birthday, it’s your birthday…

(Crissy is doing the Cabbage Patch for you right now but you can’t see her.)

Crissy didn’t even know that pirates actually existed until yesterday around fiveish and now doesn’t want to risk offending them because they probably read her blog.

And then Crissy thought she’d write about how Coke is now kosher for passover (not that kind of coke, Stoogie. The other kind) and how that must make the Jews wicked happy but who the hell is Crissy to speak for the Jews?

Oh dear.

Queefs, Crissy is very confused and a little bit paralyzed by the whole incident and she thinks maybe she should just keep her mouth shut from now on because she just doesn’t know what’s okay anymore if she ever did.

Crissy is thinking that the only way to help her get over this is for the rest of the crazy bat shit lurkers to come on out of the shadows and tell Crissy in very specific terms in what ways you are crazy bat shit so that she doesn’t risk offending you and alienating any more readers.

There’s a space provided below…nobody is here to judge you.

Much.

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44 comments

  1. I’m all kinds of crazy bat shit, but I embrace it, so really there’s nothing you can say to offend me. Unless maybe if you post a picture of me and say “this girl is icky and smelly and dirty and pathetic.” But even then I’d probably just think it’s funny. People who get offended by you just don’t understand the massive amounts of love behind you words, right?

    Jac’s last blog post: Love does not consist of gazing at eachother,

  2. Yo. There’s a former blogger whose brother-in-law is the captain on that pirate booty ship. I’m quite certain you’ve just offended her by using his ship’s name in vain. Then again, I’m pretty sure this is a VAIN BLOG, too, so I guess you’re good.

    SoMi’s Nilsa’s last blog post: Health

  3. I once knew a girl who picked her nose and ate it on the ride to school on the bus. I don’t know if she’s grown out of it. You may have offended her if she comes across your blog. And I say high five to offending her!

    Marie’s last blog post: The Working At Home Model

  4. Marvelous is an understatement for describing your buttocks.
    We’re not worthy! (butt most appreciative).

    And for folks that can’t take a joke in a humor blog, forward their address to the pirates.

    Pirates and booty in the same day. Works for me!

  5. Jac- I don’t really get offended by many things either, so I guess I just don’t understand it.

    Pimp- Dooooode! That’s fucked up. It keeps happening too. Spooky.

    Nilsa- This is fer sure a VAIN BLOG. Who the hell else would post a picture of her marvelous ass?

    Marie- I think we can all agree that picking your nose and eating it is worthy of ridicule.

    crissy’s last blog post: We’re nothing if not offensive around here.

  6. *Warning* Here’s Kelly getting offensive…

    Those are not the kind of pirates that say, “Argggghhh.” those are the kind of pirates that go, “Click, click, click,” with their tongues and for some reason all of the other pirates understand what they are trying to say.

    Hopefully I won’t offend anyone, seeing as how there are no dirty foreign people here!

    Kelly’s last blog post: Tales From Spring Break: Barfy and The Dress Thief

  7. I don’t think the freebirther’s lezbeefriend was offended. At least, I didn’t see any indication of it in her comment.

    The Woodland Gays don’t comment because there is no WiFi in the woods and hence, no internetz. Escalade Pajama Cunts pay people to do mundane tasks like internetz surfing, which is why they don’t comment. Heaven forbid they break a nail on a keyboard.

    I think you need to take to heart the wisdom of Maude (from the movie Harold and Maude) “You just can’t let the world judge you too much. Vice, Virtue. It’s best not to be too moral. You cheat yourself out of too much *life*. Aim above morality. If you apply that to life, then you’re bound to live life fully.”

    We Queefs know our QOFE loves us and know that she does not mean to offend (except maybe the Escalade Pajama Cunts… I’m pretty sure we WANT them to be offended) Rock on, Crissy!

    MsDarkstar’s last blog post: Livin’ on the edge…

  8. Offend away, my friend. Oh, and The Pilot asked me last night if you were a professional blogger. Thought you’d like to know that.

    k8’s last blog post: Stripped

  9. Booty- Put on a thong, take a picture, and we’ll see that awesome booty in all it’s glory. Jeans don’t do it justice, I’m sure.

    Kelly- When you go to a Chinese restaurant do you shout your order in Chinese like me? “CHONG CHANG CHOW CHOW POO POO!” I know a Chinese so it’s okay.

    (Hi Aznman! Sup baby? I really enjoyed having lunch with you the other day…at Asia.)

    Ms. Darkstar- Rock on Ms.Darkstar!!

    Matt- I believe in equal opportunity for everyone too.

    crissy’s last blog post: We’re nothing if not offensive around here.

  10. I’ve been accused of being sensitive before, but you haven’t offended me yet. I’ve often been afraid of what YOU think of me and my crazy stalkerish ways. So, see, it works both ways.

    My hot buttons? Telling me I’m fat, ugly, or stupid. Telling me I can’t do something (as in I’m not capable because I’m fat, ugly, stupid, etc.). Or saying any of those things about my husband, family, friends, dogs, cats, etc. OOOh, or telling me I’m nuts for having a lot of pets (we take good care of them and they’re all rescues – plus we only have 3 dogs and 2 cats). Otherwise, I’m okay. I’m related to the Mafia, so I can take out someone’s kneecaps if it gets too bad. 🙂

  11. Chris-
    1) Was there ever any doubt?
    2) You are one of the few people who have ever seen that picture, remember?

    Melissa- Does this make us butt sisters or something because I wanna be sisters with you. And Kiala.

    Daisee- Your stalkerish ways don’t scare me!

    Melissa- I was already there! I’m wicked fast.

  12. CHONG CHANG CHOW CHOW POO POO!

    I am not sure if I am offended by this or not

    Only because I don’t speak Chinese and I have no idea what you said…

  13. I’m offended that you’ve never taken up my challenge to bake peanut butter cupcakes with peanut butter frosting and a nice xanax center for the children of the Escalade Pajama Cunts when its Girlfriend’s turn to bring in the snacks. If this is the way you are going to treat my heartfelt suggestions…

    Dingo’s last blog post: Welcome to Crazytown

  14. Aznman- Yeah. I’m gonna have to call BULLSHIT on that. We walked into the place, you were all “chow chow ming ming” to the other dude with eyes like yours and the next thing I know, we’re sitting in our own private room! You speak Chinese, bro. Don’t try to hide it.

    Dingo- Oh no! I’m going to! I’m waiting for Girlfriend’s birthday. It’s a special surprise though so shhhhhh!

    crissy’s last blog post: We’re nothing if not offensive around here.

  15. Oh Crissy…I’m sorry this happened…really…U know..I have a friend who got offended by the Christian tv thing at the NSFW fairytale 😛 but ermm..the reason why I like your blog is because you don’t give a sht, you just express yourself and make it funny.
    When you mentioned the foreigners who invited you and Girlfriend to a bday party..I felt like “Well..will people treat me like that once I’m there?” but then it’s all part of the joke..like…I don’t know..I think you’re doing a great job and it’s satiric, it’s awesome, u don’t need to moderate yourself, I like reading this and I luv u virtually, lol, the way you are.

    Thrice’s last blog post:

  16. okay….so I love reading your blog because you don’t sensor yourselves here. You say what the rest of us are thinking and don’t have to stones to say on our own.

    I love to live vicariously! Joys of the internet!

  17. I am mortally offended by the photo of your marvelous buttocks because I choose to believe that buttocks like that only exist in fairy tales. So that I can continue reading your blog, I choose to believe your buttocks has been hella photoshopped to creamy smoothness.

    Also, I am super glad my husband doesn’t read your blog because A) he is a dirty foreign people, and B) he might see that photo of your marvelous buttocks and realize that the sack of cottage cheese he is married to is not as good as it gets.

    So I guess what I’m trying to say is, we’re cool, Crissy. For now. But keep your fancy giant knockers to yourself, m’kay?

    jeannie’s last blog post: public service announcement: cosmetics edition

  18. I’ve lurked here for a couple of months or so. You remind me of one of my best friends. I sent her a link to your blog, we agreed that if she had even 5 minutes of extra time per day (which she doesn’t) her blog would be surreally similar. She would make fun of gays, even though (or maybe because?) she has a wonderful gay brother who makes us all laugh all of the time. She loves to make fun of hippies. And babies. And just about everyone. She is better at it than I am, or I would do it too. But I’m not funny enough.

    This is a highly entertaining blog. Some days it really really resonates, some days just entertains, but I always like it or LOVE it.

    Plus you have great taste in names for kids (um, not Taco, the other name, which is the same as my daughter, not girlfriend, the OTHER, real, name).

    Your butt is better than my butt, but mine is 10 yrs older & wiser, it was epic in its time, though.

    So, keep on keeping on. You’re doing a great job entertaining those of us who do not get offended by anything.

  19. Fear not Crissy, I am one dirty foreign people… or person, cause I’m one.. sort of, when I’m not drunk and I enjoy the name calling and your blog…

    Dirty because for some reason people call me dirty whore…even wifey.
    Foreign cause i’m from the south (america)
    People: Read- person.. unless I’m drunk I could be two peoples… or some shit like that.

    You might have lost one but gained 100 more, i’m sure.

    PorkStar’s last blog post: What title can this be? hmmm

  20. Crissy, I had an ex-boyfriend whose older brother was a very smart and handsome architecture professor, and well anyway, he used to say, “Never apologize, never explain”. You know, he meant that about um, Art, not to absolutely never apologize about anything, but to not apologize for your artistic expression. So, you don’t need to explain yourself to us queefs. We’re your queefs because we like what you’re dishing out.

  21. You are the bitch inside us all. Also the babe. Keep blogging your irreverence and extravagance, with fun photos. I’ll keep lurking (or not).

  22. Ah! I’m here again! I wasn’t offended. I promise. In fact, I happen to think my wife is a crazy bat shit dirty hippy too most of the time.

    Rock on, Crissy. I read here cos I love it here. 😀

    Love, the lezbefriend xx

  23. I’m late in my response. I read every single post you write (even if days late). I love your blog and I’m a bat shit crazy pseudo socialist, GLBT loving, porn disliking, anti-ethnocentrism feminist. Your comedy is smart and HILARIOUS, please don’t ever censor yourself! I love to read and nearly pee my pants while at my serious “social movement-oversensitive” type job.

    Lisa’s last blog post: I’ll take one please!

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