Dr. Girlfriend has the tools and the talent

This is the second twidget related post this week and if Crissy had known this would be the topic du jour she would have just gone ahead and made it Twidget Week or something but it’s Wednesday already so fuck it.

Maybe tomorrow we’ll talk about something else.

So Crissy is totally obsessed with Discovery Health birth story shows.

Her favorite being Deliver Me because the doctors are all pretty and dress really cute, but really she’ll watch anything that has a screaming pregnant woman and some medical peoples in it.

Sometimes when she feels like feeling like a Sane Person she watches the show about Freebirthing. It’s when a crazy bat shit dirty hippie puts a kiddie pool in her living room, fills it with water from the garden hose, and has a baby all alone. No midwife, no hospital, no EPIDURAL, no nothing. Maybe she has one of her other children help her (!), maybe she has her husband or lezbeefriend there to video the event, but other than that she’s alone.

Oh, and her other children are in the room watching the whole thing.

Good luck with that, moron.

And Crissy wasn’t always interested in these shows and in fact they would normally get a big giant eye roll and a “who gives a shit about your birth story, lady?” from her but now she’s sort of letting all her delivery room fears and anxieties play out while watching them. What’s funny is that Mister doesn’t complain when Crissy watches these shows and Crissy thinks he’s letting his shit play out too.

And Girlfriend loves anything to do with surgery or blood because she’s the most delicate of little flowers everywhere and so she watches with just as much fascination as Crissy does and she has taken what she has learned and has been very busy preparing to “help mommy get the baby out.”

With this:

“I will suck the baby out of mommy’s vagina with this!” she declares as she comes at Crissy with her plunger.

She keeps it in her little plastic Home Depot tool box because whenever something goes wrong in the house, she’s right there with her stuff and she’s prepared to help daddy unclog a sink or deliver a baby.

The funny thing is that Crissy thinks it might actually work, and if Crissy suddenly loses her mind and we wind up with a Freebirthing Situation she might need Dr. Girlfriend to help her out.

And if the doctor has to cut the baby out of mommy’s tummy we have the rest of her Home Depot tool kit:

What concerns Crissy is that Girlfriend has both a doctor kit and a veterinarian kit, but it’s the tool box she plans to use.

Crissy is starting to think we spend way too much time at The Home Depot.

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27 comments

  1. Wow, queen of fucking everything. I’ve read this blog for so so so long and loved it…

    I’m the lezbeefriend partner of someone who freebirthed at home, here in London, as part of that show.

  2. I think Girlfriend is onto something. I mean, the tools might be a bit primitive. But, most doctors will admit that their tools aren’t much different than what you can find at Home Depot. In fact, one of the doctors Sweets works with invented some tools he uses in the operating room in his garage. Granted, they’re sterilized and whatnot, but I’m telling you, Home Depot is a goldmine!

    SoMi’s Nilsa’s last blog post: Contest

  3. you do remember the story about bren going out to his truck to retrieve a pair of vise-grips so that the ER doctor could pull the nail out of his tibia, right?

    it was in there pretty good and forceps weren’t gittin ‘er done.

    and how can you blame her for getting her tools out? i’ve been working on SOME part of our house since we’ve moved in…

    besides it’s wicked fucking cute.

  4. hhmmmmm….. I LOVE tools. Just wait until she discovers POWER TOOLS. I know she’s going to love them. LOVE. THEM. Because I do.

    And Ken, why do you have to bring up Bren?

  5. I just can’t read freebirth without humming Lynyrd Skynyrd’s Freebird. And now that I think about it, I think they were actually talking about the same thing.

    Lord knows, I can’t change.
    Lord help me, I can’t change.

    That could only mean that the crazy bat shit dirty hippy pooped in the water during a PUSH and because no one’s around to help her get out, she’s floating in sewage.

    I never knew Lynyrd Skynyrd knew so much about home birth.

    Dingo’s last blog post: Welcome to Crazytown

  6. Yeah for freebirthing!!! Although I’m not 100% behind going solo during childbirth, I’m all for all natural, no drugs, getthefuckawayfrommeandletmybodyhandleit birthing. Been there, done that. Twice. With nine and ten pound babies. Next time I’m even skipping the birthing center and staying home. I pay the midwife- make her come to me!!

  7. Welcome Yasmin! You (who left the very first comment) are famous so I hope you were not insulted just because we all know you are also the crazy bat shit dirty hippie lezbeefriend partner of someone who freebirthed at home. Serious, we love you and your crazy bat shit dirty hippie lezbeefriend partner, too.

    Just so you know, we really could not tell from your comment whether you were insulted or not. We are American and people from the UK are so refined and polite that your anger comes across as either contentedness or farting to us. We are dense and subtlety is lost on us. So you have to tell us if you were insulted or punch us or something. Keep in mind, however, that we all carry weapons and are not averse to invading your country or disappearing you or torturing you if you get too uppity.

    I don’t know about anyone else, but I am a big fan of the UK even if it is a crazy bat shit dirty hippie country with fucked up high gas prices and weird taxes on everything and the shittiest mass transit system in the world. But I would live there if it was in New York City and I would fit right in because I am sort of a crazy bat shit dirty hippie myself, except maybe replace the word “hippie” with “pervert.” In fact, I would make a perfect chav were it not for the dress code and the strict socioeconomic and age restrictions.

    Anyways, I just wanted to welcome you and to let you know that if you were insulted, it’s all in good fun and bad taste and antisocial behavior and all the other things we cherish as though they were our own freebirthed babies. Any day now, Crissy will write a post about crazy bat shit dirty New Yorkers or perverts or she will write mean things about clown-faced girls or something, and my whole world will go pear-shaped for a minute or two but I will deal with it because she is the QOFE and nothing is off limits. Or she will write something bad about people who like to piss and shit in their pants and then about half of the people here will get pissed. Literally. But, you know, good times.

    Cheerio and all that. And other breakfast cereals, too. And, again, welcome.

    stoogepie’s last blog post: A Crissy and stoogepie Fairytale

  8. OMG Stoogie. I don’t know whether to drop to my knees and suck you off for that or slap you and then drop to my knees and suck you off for that. Seriously though Yasmin, what Stoogie says is right. I meant it all in good fun. I really have no problem with anyone, ever. Except for the Escalade Pajama Cunts. They really do suck. I think we can all agree on that.

  9. Since I am part of the uninsured masses, I would like to sign up for the Girlfriend Medical Program, please. Honestly, I believe anything she could/would do to/for me would be just as/more effective than the yahoos who claim to have gone to medical school and now whine because $75 a day isn’t enough money PER DAY to have a decent meal when you’re traveling.

    And, you know, maybe if you filled up a kiddie pool on the front lawn and did a Girlfriend-assisted home birth, monitored by a pantsless Mister, the eyesore-havin’ idjit in your neighborhood would decide to move along. I’m just sayin’…

    MsDarkstar’s last blog post: Animal Magnetism

  10. Stoogiepie- I’m not offended. I’m amused. I love this blog. AND I hate the EPC mums at my daughters school…

    By the way: the wanker producers cleverly omitted to point out in the documentary that my wife is a trained midwife and i’m a paed nurse- oh, and our local hospital is 4 minutes away by car. We’re not entirely nuts… just mostly.

    (Kelly: Damn. There was me thinking the world was rejoicing!)

    A loyal queef x

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