Oh Jesus no. Anything but a birthday party.

Crissy is frought with anxiety today Queefs.

FROUGHT she tells you!

On Sunday she has to bring Girlfriend to her little friend Brianna’s birthday party and Crissy doesn’t know anybody. Not one single person. And Mister can’t come too because he has to work on the Taco’s room and so Crissy has no choice but to go alone.

Terrifying.

Plus Brianna’s house is in an unfamiliar part of Schmuckytown and that gives Crissy major anxiety and it wouldn’t be so bad if she had her new Volvo because it’s pretty much exactly like the Batmobile and everyone knows you don’t get lost in Schmuckytown in the Batmobile, but she doesn’t have it yet and so she must drive her old car with the broken clock which makes it pretty much undriveable and she’s sure to get lost.

And also, Brianna is of Foreign Ethnicity and that is not to be confused with Dirty Foreign People because Crissy has seen this Brianna child and she looks pretty clean and so that elevates her to Foreign Ethnicity status instead but Crissy is still worried that there will be many other people of Foreign Ethnicity and this frightens her because maybe they will not like Crissy and will perhaps make Crissy sit under the table to eat or even worse, NOT GIVE CRISSY ANY FOOD AT ALL!!!!

THE HORROR!!!

Or maybe they will shout at her and laugh at her outfit in Foreign Ethnicity Language and Crissy will not understand them!

It keeps Crissy awake at night a lot of times since last Wednesday.

And what if there are other preschool mothers there?

What if Girlfriend isn’t the only one from the school that was invited?

What if the Escalade Pajama Cunts are there???

You know how Crissy feels about talking to other moms right?

It’s not good you guys.

Not good at all.

And what will Girlfriend get Brianna as a gift?

A book?

Do Foreign Ethnicity peoples read books?

In ENGLISH???

Crissy does not know!!!

This is terrible.

Just terrible.

It’s the worst thing to happen to Crissy since the other day when her headband was giving her a headache but it matched her outfit and so she couldn’t take it off and just had to suffer all day and take Tylenols and drink coffee instead.

Oh dear.

Crissy needs vodka and Klonopin hugs, Queefs.

Please somebody come with Crissy to the party.

Puuuuuhhhhhlllllleeeeeeaaaassssseeee!!!

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26 comments

  1. Oh, Crissy. I TOTALLY get the ‘other mom’ thing. I don’t like the Escalade pajama cunts either. I’ll go with you. I’ll drink vodka, and your time can be consumed giggling with me instead of dealing with people you don’t want to deal with.

    AND, I have a PERFECT all purpose birthday party gift. Seriously. It works for ALL AGES….even adults.

    Go to wal-mart, and go to the popcorn section and buy one of the microwave tubs of popcorn. Buy some movie sized boxes of candy and for the toddler set, get some juice boxes and stuff it all into the tub. Go to a local movie store and buy a gift certificate for a movie, and VIOLA…….you have a ‘movie night’ gift.

    For older kids, buy soda, for adults buy booze.

    If wal mart doesn’t have the microwave tubs (which they should) then buy microwave popcorn and come cheap plastic ‘popcorn bowls’.

    It’s usually a HUGE hit, and you’ll show up those escalade cunt moms. Because you’ll be CREATIVE and provide a gift that the kid AND FAMILY will love.

    And they can rent foreign films if they so choose. With a gift certificate…..they can get whatever movie they want.

    If the moms are snobby and worry about precious eating candy, then add dried fruit, and snacky nuts in place….

    Not that you are snobby if GF doesn’t get candy. But you get my meaning.

    It’s foolproof. Boy or girl. Man or woman or transgender. Everyone loves movie night. Especially the parents who can have some smoochy time in the dark living room while precious is snarfing candy and watching cultured subtitled films.

    When will you and GF pick me up on Sun?

  2. Well, the flip side is Foreign Ethnicities Peoples discover you’re Queen of Fucking Everything. And make their kids go play in another room. Without you or Girlfriend. And wait until you just leave. Because talk about dirty…

    SoMi’s Nilsa’s last blog post: Four

  3. Oh, poor Queen Crissy!
    I’m really curious about the foreign ethnicity of Brianna 😛 I really am…can you take a picture? lol.
    Don’t get too stressed out, I mean, really…how bitchy can mums be? *sighs and thinks about Desperate Housewives again*
    You’ll be ok Crissy, you know why?
    Hell yeah!
    ‘Cuz you’re the Queen of fucking Everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Thrice’s last blog post: sToMaCh fLu and OtHeR eViLs

  4. Just to be safe, perhaps you should stash (in your undriveable car with the broken clock) a variety of authentic Foreign Ethnicity outfits to change into so that you can fit in. Or maybe you should wear one of those full coverage arab thingys (the name escapes me at the moment) and just walk around the party not saying anything at all. That would totally scare the shit out of THEM. That is the only way to gain their respect.

  5. I would love to help, but there’s no way I could sit through that party! Do you know what’s worse than hanging with the other moms? Loud children. I can’t handle more than like four kids in one spot. I have panic attacks when I’ve been at Bean & Punky’s school too long – those kids are so LOUD!

    Kelly’s last blog post: My Underwears

  6. I would totally go with you if I lived, you know, less than a millionty miles away. I completely understand how you feel (even though I have no kids), because although I am a people person and am outgoing and stuff, I get a little scaredy inside when it comes to situations like these. At least you have a built-in excuse to leave early if you need to – TACO!!!

  7. Maybe you will luck out and GF will get a communicable virus or something and you can bail. Children have no idea what crap we put ourselves into for them.

    What about art supplies for a gift?

    Good luck. Socializing with people you don’t know for the sake of your children is one of the most uncomfortable shitty parts of parenting.
    If they decide to feed you, depending on the ethnicity in question . . . the food might make the whole endeavor worth it. You never know.

  8. sweet sister, ill be in your neck of the woods saturday into sunday, so if you don’t mind bringing a hungover, boozebag to the party with you, then it’s a plan stan. im sure the foreign ethnicity folks wouldn’t mind at all.

  9. You know I would go with you if I lived closer. You also know I would show up drunk and shout obscenities at the children. And I would get Girlfriend to do the same. And then when the kids ran off to tell their parents, we’d steal all the toys and I’d let Girlfriend drive the getaway car with the broken clock. See, I’m responsible. I wouldn’t drive drunk.

    Dingo’s last blog post: More About My Neighbors

  10. I would love to come with, but alas, I cannot, for the following reasons:

    (1)I don’t live close enough to you.

    (2)I am really really sick with a flu that has me barfing and loose pooping all over the house.

    (3)You spelled “fraught” wrong…

    Sorry, again, it’s the editor in me. I cannot help it.

    Mary @ Holy Mackerel’s last blog post: Bleeccccch

  11. i’m with porkstar.

    you’re actually pretty graceful in social situations.

    frisco (brianna’s dad) was the coolest guy on the fall field trip.

    besides myself, of course.

  12. you can TOTES play the pregnancy card on this one. if they look offended at anything you say or do, just rub your belly and look hurt and say “i’m sorry, it’s just that i’m pregnant, and you know how that is.” and if they’re still assholes you can totally hit them, because everyone knows you can’t hit a pregnant lady back.

    alice’s last blog post: new books!

  13. Dear god What a nightmare! The whole being pregnant thing makes it difficult because normally I would just suggest doing shots of vodka prior to the party…but I just don’t know what to do. Maybe you should just move to the west coast because then you’d have plenty of people to go to the party with you.

    Meg’s last blog post: I don’t want to grow up

  14. Stay away from English books for people of Foreign Ethnicity. Get Brianna a taxi to drive. Many people of Foreign Ethnicity love driving taxis. A convenience store, restaurant, or nail salon would also be a much appreciated gift for a person of Foreign Ethnicity.

    I also suggest that, to fit in and avoid having them berate your outfit in their Foreign Ethnicity Language, you make small talk by asking the mothers there to read your fortune and inquiring about maid services they offer. And don’t forget to tip generously.

    stoogepie’s last blog post: A Crissy and stoogepie Fairytale

  15. Seeing as how I spend my work days completely surrounded by people of “Foreign Ethnicity” AND their children, I have to say that I would be MUCH more uncomfortable around the Escalade Pajama Cunts. I actually really like children of the “Foreign Ethnicity”!

  16. Just discovered you on the hotmommyblogger voting site. I had to vote for a friend who was nominated by her sister…but thought I’d check out numero uno. Glad I did!!! Note: You look so sweet and innocent in your pics!! LOL

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