Leftie: the strongest pimp hand

Morning Queefs.

There is something bothering Crissy so much that it had her up at 4am eating strawberry rhubarb pie just worrying herself to death.  She saw on the tee-vee about this terrible, terrible, hilarious affliction that strikes fives of peoples all over the world at any given time after serious brain trauma or surgery. It’s called Alien Hand SyndromeDr. Strangelove Syndrome, or Anarchic Hand and it’s something we should all be very, very concerned about.

Crissy might even start a foundation because when Crissy heard about it, it made Crissy laugh and laugh hahahahahahahahaha! just like that because apparently you can have this problem or syndrome or whatever where your right hand and your left hand do two different things, which seems like it would be annoying but not too too bad, only one of the hands has a mind of it’s own and is actually self-destructive.

So, for example, Alien Hand Victim Guy could be driving home from work with his right hand on the steering wheel while his left hand just comes up and punches him in the face.

Police Man: “Sir, you ran a red light back there.”
Alien Hand Victim Guy: “I’m sorry officer. I was punching myself in the face. I didn’t see it.”
Police Man: “You’re one sick fuck. Get the hell out of here and wait until you get home to punch yourself in the face from now on.”
Alien Hand Victim Guy: “Yes sir. Thank you sir. Have a good evening.”

And then Alien Hand Victim Guy’s left hand gives the Police Man the finger and he gets arrested for insubordination or flipping the bird at a pig or something.

Or let’s say Alien Hand Victim Guy’s right hand buttons his shirt, his left hand undoes the buttons and he has to go around with no shirt on all the time.

And the right hand can push a door closed and the left hand reaches out and flings it back open, hitting Alien Hand Victim Guy in the head.


Can you imagine how that would totally suck, and yet be so funny at the same time?

Like, what if Alien Hand Victim Guy tried eating some delicious strawberry-rhubarb pie like Crissy is doing right now and his left hand just decides to up and smoosh the whole pie in his face just for the pleasure of watching the right hand clean it up?

And what happens when his right hand gets sick and tired of taking shit from his left hand and they like, throw down and thumb wrestle or something? Or how about if they get into a very heated Rock, Paper, Scissors match?

The left would probably win because it’s pretty bad ass.

And which hand is in charge of Alone Time with lezzie porn? Crissy thinks the left hand would be better because the right hand is just too much of a wuss to be any good at Alone Time.

Seriously. Think about it.

So Crissy is considering actually getting Alien Hand Syndrome just so she can cash in on the America’s Funniest Videos prize money because you know that shit is way funnier than a dude getting hit in the nuts with a whiffle ball, right?

And of course she will use the prize money to start her Alien Hand Syndrome Foundation because she’s magnanimous like that and she’s a giver (just as long as it’s with her right hand because you know the left hand would totally take the money and go for a manicure and then ring shopping at Tiffany’s).

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  1. sounds a lot like dr strangelove!

    and btw nothing is funny about a dude getting in the nuts with a wiffle ball….ouch….i am hurting just thinking about it…must be a guy thing!

  2. My brother-in-law sold a screen play that was based on a less funny premiss than this. Add about 80 more pages and you’re rich…

  3. Pimp- I knew it!

    aznman- A whiffle ball is better than a baseball though right?

    Kelly- Just don’t tell your kids about that excuse.

    Artist- Nobody wins. That’s what’s so sad about it…

    Matt- I dare you to try it.

    K8- I know. I’ve tried too and the only thing the left is good for is operating the controls on the toys. Maybe we just need more practice?

    Marie- I’m totally doing that too!

    NQOTB- You think so?

  4. I think I have that!!! The other day my right hand was eating a salad and my left hand was trying to shove chocolate down my throat. Please start that foundation soon – I need help!

  5. There was a film which dealt with that, although it was like a freaky thriller…Quicksilver, that’s its name…the guy who plays Fester Addams was in it.
    The guy with the problem was a surgeon…he ended up cutting his hands…

    Thrice’s last blog post: WHEN I’M SWIMMING

  6. Oh my gosh, I have the same disorder as Kiala!!! At least I finally know what it is!! I wonder if I can get disability for it??

  7. Gotta hand it to ya, this thread got me in less trouble at work today than your incredible colaboration with Stooge Pie.

    i told them it’s freaking April’s Fool Day but i still gotta take that sensitivity class.

    The left hand did it and he continues to blame the right one.

  8. There are some activities I am ambidextrous at. This comes, I think, from starting life as a left handed person and then having had teachers beat that out of me. I’m very strangely wired as a result and will have to remember “alien hand syndrome” when I “accidentally” slap the shit out of a cow-irker. I wonder if I can get it documented as a disability?

    MsDarkstar’s last blog post: This post is going to the dogs…

  9. AHS – Now I can explain to my hubby why I just reach out and poke/punch/slap him whilst driving! To be fair he is an annoying passenger….so he brings this condition out in me…yes…?

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