Archive for April, 2009

So when Crissy went to pick Girlfriend up at school yesterday, the atmosphere was really weird and Girlfriend’s backpack was in a strange place and the school principal met her at the door and said in a very serious voice, “we need to talk. Come on in and sit down.”

Oh Jesus Christ, shit, and fuck.

And she took her sweet time finding the right words for what she wanted to say and it seemed like Crissy sat there for an hour before she finally spoke and Crissy was all “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN

WHAT

DID

SHE

DO?”

And the principal said “Girlfriend was involved in an incident in the playground today.”

Apparently Queefs, and you’re gonna shit when Crissy tells you, Girlfriend was alone in the giant pirate ship play structure thing they have with some little dude and when the teachers found them, the little dude was naked and Girlfriend was pointing to his little weenis and laughing.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Crissy just laughed you guys because seriously?

And the principal seemed glad that Crissy wasn’t upset and let her go collect Girlfriend.  All the teachers Crissy saw on the way to get her wore very serious faces as if the kid stabbed Girlfriend with a play dough knife or something and Crissy just wanted to be like, “Will you people chill the fuck out? It’s just a penis!”

It’s not like Girlfriend doesn’t see Mister prancing around the house like the proudest pretty pony each and every single day.

God was Crissy relieved you guys.

Girlfriend had done nothing wrong, and don’t anyone say that pointing and laughing wasn’t the thing to do because any of you would have done the same, and it was only the first in a lifetime of dudes wanting to show her their Special Purpose whether she wants to see it or not.

And on the way out, Crissy saw the little dude’s mother, who clearly had no clue what had happened, on her way in to collect her little exhibitionist. Crissy felt sorry for her and she really wanted to pat her on the shoulder and be like, “It’s no big thing, sista” but Crissy is not familiar with protocol in this particular situation and so she kept quiet and just smiled extra big at her so she’d know Crissy was not offended by but rather amused by her son’s display.

And when Mister asked Girlfriend what happened at school, she told the story and said “I laughed and laughed at him and the teacher’s faces looked shocked just like mommy’s when I cut my hair! They made him take his nap alone in the library because that’s where the naughty kids go. Hahahahahahaha! He’s so silly!”

Poor little dude is probably scarred for life now, but at least Girlfriend has a kick ass story to tell at the sandbox.

“And there I was, minding my own business, about to go down the slide, when he took. it. out.”

Do you know what today is Queefs?

It’s a day Crissy has been waiting for for a very, very long time.

This very morning Mister is putting the final coat of polyurethane on the hallway floor and in Taco’s room. The last coat has been drying since Saturday morning and it’s finally dry enough for a second coat.

Hallefuckingluja Queefs.

And that means that the plaster/wood dust/paint nightmare that the Crissys have been living in for months now is almost over. There will still be hardships to endure as the Crissys will have to sleep in the Red Carpet Lounge, aka Porn Basement on the pull out sofa tonight and bathe in the laundry sink but that is just fine with Crissy.

And Crissy told Girlfriend and Alice that it’s camping so it’s fine with them too.  Those two are  always up for an adventure.

Mister has worked his balls off every night and weekend to get this done and finally the Crissys can be a family again instead of disaster refugees and Crissy will post before and after pictures for you Queefs once the whole thing is done.

It will be glorious.

GLORIOUS!!!

But that’s not what Crissy wanted to talk about today because last night Crissy was watching Deadliest Catch with Mister and it’s one of their favorite shows because the Crissys are seafaring peoples and Crissy has spent many a summer clinging to the mast of her in-law’s sailboat praying to Jesus to save her sunning herself on the deck of her in-law’s boat called the Afterglow (is that not the best boat name ever?):

But it’s been totaled after an unfortunate incident and they don’t have it anymore and Crissy misses screaming and begging the boat not to flip over the sun and sea and hopes they replace it soon.

So clearly, Crissy knows everything about boating now from spending so many summers on the Afterglow and so naturally she knows all about what it’s like being a fisherman on the Bering sea in the freezing cold and that’s why she loves the show but you know what else?

That Mike Rowe is fucking hot.

Crissy could listen to him narrate paint drying and be moist in her panties area for days.

And don’t get Crissy started on Dirtiest Jobs because not only is Mike’s voice hot, Mike is hot too.

Even when he’s covered in pig vomit, Crissy would still lick him from stem to stern (do you see what Crissy did there, Queefs? Stern is a boat word! Crissy is wicked smot).

And he can do a dirty job on Crissy anytime.

And you know what else you guys?

He’s smart.

How many dudes do you know who can be elbow deep in a cow’s hey-nanny-nanny and ponder Descartes at the same time?

Not many, and that also makes Crissy’s panties fall off in a big way.

And so this post is dedicated to Mister who is both smart and sexy and is Good With Tools (of every kind, in every capacity, wink, wink) and who has finally made it to the end of his own personal hell, and to Mike Rowe who Crissy would very much like to fuck.

Crissy loved all your hair stories yesterday! Sadly, Miss Stephanie doesn’t have an opening until Thursday at 4:00 so we have to wait until then to bring Girlfriend in. Crissy will post some before and after pictures of little Charo for you on Friday.

So, anyways, we have a short post for you today because Crissy for some totally fucked up insane douche reason made an 8:45 dentist appointment for this morning, and she always does that to herself and she’d like to go back in time six months and punch herself in the face for doing it, but her DeLorean is being fixed and so time traveling is right out for today and so she can’t go punch herself in the face and that means she doesn’t have time to write a marvelous piece of genius writing like she always does and so she’s going to leave you with a brief anecdote regarding the dentist and her loathing of going there.

Crissy hates the dentist. She loves her Dr. Ganim because she’s been going to him since she was 3 and he cannot tell Crissy how much he loves to see that little three year old Crissy bring in her little three year old Girlfriend to see him, but she hates having her face touched by anyone, for any reason, and so having someone’s hands in her mouth is just like, forget it.

She’d rather have someone’s hand up her twidget to tell you the truth but that’s not until Friday!

Crissy’s at the stage of Taconess that she gets to be violated weekly to see what her cervix is up to.

Woo-hoo!

Good times.

But you know what Queefs? At least Crissy’s twidge is getting some kind of action because these days, the only one having any fun in Crissy’s bed is Sookie Stackhouse and even Sookie is getting less and less of it now.

But anyway, Crissy had one tiny cavity once from her graduate school days when she just drank coffee with plenty of sugar in it and smoked cigarettes and beamed around on amphetamines, and alternately, Klonopins all the time and could barely remember to pee never mind brush her teeth three times a day and Dr. Ganim was trying to fill it with some white ceramic-ish substance and when he ever started shooting Crissy up with the numby stuff she freaked out a little bit.

Those needles are BIG you guys.

And when Dr. Ganim was done he said to Crissy, “I have good news, and I have very bad news. The good news is that you’re done for the day. The bad news is that when you decide to have babies,  childbirth is much, much worse than this.”

And you know what Queefs?

It’s not.

Crissy would much rather pop a Taco out than have her mouth touched.

So yeah.

Fun morning.

So the plan is that when Crissy is out of the dentist she’s going to eat handfuls of chocolates just to spite him.

There Crissy was, minding her own business when she had a sudden urge to go and look for a bottle of lotion in the bathroom cabinet even though she knew it wasn’t in there because Crissy is a little bit psychic or she has very good intuition or something and she just knows things sometimes and also just knows stuff is going to happen even when all signs say otherwise so when something tells her to go and do something right away, she does it.

So she hauled her big giant ass off her bed where she had been lounging reading some pulpy book about vampires and girls named Sookie (thanks Val! Crissy has read three of the series this weekend! Why isn’t there more hot vampy sex like in the first one? Makes Crissy sad.) to go into the bathroom for the lotion.

She opened the closet and what did she find in there?

Big Bird?

No.

Ricky Martin?

No, Ricky came out of the closet already didn’t he? He’s so hawt, isn’t he? Remind Crissy to tell you about the religious experience she had once while watching him on Oprah. It changed Crissy’s life.

Anygay, it was Girlfriend in the closet.

And she had the haircutting scissors Crissy uses to trim Girlfriend’s ends.

And she was standing in a pile and holding fist fulls of her HAIR!!!

Her beautiful, beautiful, beautiful hair!

And Crissy was not even able to assess the damage because right away all she saw was the piles of curls and she immediately went into hyper-active and freaked the fuck out.

And then Girlfriend freaked the fuck out because Crissy did and poor Mister was in the shower shaving his balls and was all “what is happening? Somebody tell me what is happening!” because both Crissy and Girlfriend were running around the house crying and yelling because after her haircut Girlfriend now looks like Charo.

While that look may work for Charo, or, um, not, it does not work for Girlfriend, but Crissy supposes she should be really grateful it’s not worse.

Girlfriend could have cut off huge chunks right at the scalp and made herself look like she has The Cancer or something.

And Crissy knows all kids do this at least once in their lives and she fully expected it to happen at some point, but holy shit you guys. Crissy was not prepared for the shock of it.

And so Crissy’s task for today is to call the lovely Miss Stephanie, who cuts Mister’s hair (and who Mister is a little sweet on if you ask Crissy and her intuition), because so far Stephanie is the only person who Girlfriend has ever sat still for, and hopefully she can even out the choppy Charo-ness so that we can all move on and laugh about this someday very, very soon.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Remember the time Girlfriend chopped her hair up and looked like Charo?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHA!!!

Oy.

Please tell Crissy your “once, when I was little, I cut my own hair” stories. It will make her feel much better.

Oh Queefies.

Crissy is so tired today and she has a cold.

She didn’t sleep last night at all because Taco had the hiccups and Mister had the taking up 99 % of the bed no matter how hard Crissy tried to shove him back to his side and Alice had The Gas and kept waking herself up and growling at her own ass and today is a very, very busy day of groceries and Target and all sorts of errands to do while dragging a bitchy and uncooperative Girlfriend around with her.

And Crissy tried to paint her toezies this morning but no.  She can reach them just fine but it’s so uncomfortable that she made a mess instead of a pretty and so that makes her lay on her bed and cry for twenty minutes feel even more sad because she’s forced to go to the Stop and Shop with naked toes in front of Vinny and everyone.

Crissy just wants to be pretty and unfettered like she was a long long time ago and so she has decided to run away and never ever come back.

Who’s in?

Wow Queefs.

Who knew there were so many Queefettes out there just like Crissy who are just one more motherfucking beer bottle away from spousal homicide?

Man, we are PISSED!

It warms the cockles of Crissy’s heart, really and she’s glad she brought it up. Crissy thinks it made us all feel a little bit better.

And now on to the post that some of you already read yesterday morning until Crissy pulled it back because combined with the beer bottle rant it was way, way too long.

It made Crissy bored just looking at it.

Ahem.

So this morning (or, er, yesterday morning) Crissy was all set to come downstairs and write about one of many things on her mind that she saw on the Turn to 10 news at 6 with her favorite reporter ever, Frank Coletta.

Morning Frank!

Crissy is doing a coffee cup salute to you, homeslice!

If you don’t live in RI or mAss, you don’t know what Crissy is talking about.

And Crissy wondered if she should discuss the bank robbing ninja because how awesome is that?

It’s pretty fucking awesome if you ask Crissy.

Or what about the fact that it is LEGAL in RI to practice prostitution indoors. Apparently, if you are out of doors it is not okay so don’t anyone come to RI for a hummer in the park and expect the po-po to tolerate that shit. You have to go inside if you want a hummer.

This is excellent news because just like Crissy has a strict policy against leaving her chair at work, she also has a strict policy against leaving her house because that means she will have to put on a bra and Crissy doesn’t like to do that so if she does lose her job she has another career lined up that is perfectly legal and does not require her to leave her house or put on a bra or even leave her bed.

She may, however, need to get a new mattress but since it’ll be a business expense it won’t be a big deal.

Yay!

She’s even got an idea!

She’s going to run specials!

Buy nine blow jobs, get the tenth one free! And she’s got all kinds of other fun things like that planned too.

Crissy is a brilliant business woman, obviously.

Crissy also thought about The Craigslist Killerbecause as you know, he was in Rhode Island and as you know Crissy is selling her refrigerator on craigslist (STILL!!! Clearly craigslist shoppers wouldn’t know quality refrigeration if it bit them in the cubes. Get it? Refrigerator, ice cubes? Balls? Hahahahahahaha!!!! No?) and so it could have been Crissy he tried to kill! Thank God they caught him before he could kill Crissy! Of course he was really killing random whores who advertised their “services” on craigslist but you don’t know if he was going to up and decide to start killing pregnant ladies selling refrigerators.

That was a close one, Queefs.

Did you hear that the moron left a trail of cell phone calls, IP addresses, and then kept a pair of panties from each victim in his apartment?

What a douche.

So anyhoodle, Crissy’s got to go start her exercise before she has to get out of the house. She’s doing this one today which at first looks like your mom’s favorite but it’s actually sort of fun:

Plus it’s easy.

Crissy is cheating.

Crissy had a bunch of things to talk about this morning but what she’s going to talk about instead is Mister and his fucking beer bottles because right now at this very moment Crissy is fresh from yet another argument about them.

You see Queefs, Mister comes home and the first thing he does is pop the cap off a beer. He doesn’t say hello first, he just starts drinking. Clearly, Crissy keeps him pretty happy. And the beer cap falls on the counter, or the floor, wherever and that is where it stays. And when he finishes his beer, he puts the bottle down on whatever horizontal surface is available and goes to get another one.

IN THE KITCHEN!

NEXT TO THE RECYCLING BIN!

But he cannot be bothered to carry the empty bottle with him. Lots of times, he puts the empty bottle next to the recycling bin but not in it.

It’s right fucking there!

And so when Crissy wakes up in the morning and starts her day, the first thing she has to do is clean up the frat house type mess of bottles and bottle caps littering her house.

Now some of you may be asking “why not just leave the bottles for him to pick up himself?” and to this Crissy will say

Hahahahahahahaahah!!! You dumbass!

Mister does not even see the bottles and bottle caps once he is finished with them. It’s like they fall into another dimension that only Crissy can experience and it pisses Crissy off to no end and then there’s a fight which leads to fighting about the dirty sock balls and used paper towels and Kleenex and gobs of ABC Nicorette gum and candy wrappers left everywhere but where they belong.

And Mister tells Crissy that she should count her blessings because he could be out whoring or gambling (?) and so being treated like a hotel maid is pretty good and Crissy should be grateful.

Are you as flabbergasted by this logic as Crissy is?

And Crissy is just saying that if she’s going to take it in the Cheney, he can pick up after himself.

This is what the Crissys fight about Queefs.  It’s never about money or getting blow jobs from random students over at the college or anything like that but it still gets ugly around here and if Mister isn’t careful he’s going to find himself with a beer bottle up his ass.

How’s that for taking it in the Cheney?

Knowing him though, he’d probably like it just to spite Crissy.

Yesterday Crissy was sitting at her desk when she came to this book that needed cataloging.

It’s a book about contacting your Spirit Guide or guardian angel or whatever you want to call them so they can be a bigger part of your life or something like that.

And at first Crissy loves the idea of having a Spirit Guide because as you know Crissy is plagued by fears of clowns, escalators, garbage disposals, being in open spaces, being in closed spaces, and things that spin too fast and it brings her comfort to think that perhaps she’s not walking through the dangers of everyday existence all alone.

Crissy also thinks that her Spirit Guide must be pretty badass because she lives a pretty awesome life and is lucky in so many ways that other people are not, and she has gotten away with a considerable amount of jackassery like driving a car after too many vodka sodas or flirting with strange boys without so much as a single incident.

Of course there have been those two or three stalkers, but nothing really very bad ever happened to Crissy so that’s pretty impressive there Spirit Guide!

THANKS!!!

Crissy is glad you’re a badass.

But then when Crissy thinks about it, she’s not so crazy about the Spirit Guide idea at all in much the same way that she is at once comforted and horrified by the idea that her Grandma Helen is watching over her.

Tell Crissy something Queefs.

Where do Grandma Helen and Crissy’s Spirit Guide go when she’s being a very, very, naughty, bad, bad girl and sneaking downstairs and eating ice cream over a 100 calorie pack of chocolate cupcakes at 2 am?

or…

OR WHAT ABOUT when taking it in the Cheney during Sexy Time with Mister?

Does Grandma Helen pull up a chair and WATCH?

And this is what Crissy was thinking about at midnight last night and she woke Mister up to ask him what he thinks of that idea and he thinks his Spirit Guide not only watches, but actually guides him–

“Get your butt up a little higher there Mister…that’s right! Oh! Not that high it’s going to come out...Awwwww! I told you that was too high! How long do you think it is, buddy?” and then Mister’s Spirit Guide just looks at Grandma Helen all incredulous like and says “why do I even bother, Helen?  He never listens!”

And if these Spirit Guides are real, what about all the little children who are sick or abused or neglected or stolen from their mommies and daddies? Their Spirit Guides clearly have their heads up their asses if you ask Crissy.

What about the people who get very sick or get into terrible accidents? Again, Spirit Guide, being an asshole.

And does Alice have a Spirit Guide?

Sigh.

So many questions, Queefs.

And Crissy dare not make fun of the Spirit Guide because what if he/she reads Crissy’s blog?

WHAT IF CRISSY’S SPIRIT GUIDE IS ACTUALLY WRITING THIS RIGHT NOW?

Crissy just freaked her own freak with that one…

Maybe Crissy should just read Sylvia’s book because if Mister is ever going to see the Cheney again, she needs an answer.

The Bush is bad enough, but the Cheney?

Grandma Helen would not approve.

Crissy has no idea what the title of this post has to do with anything, but maybe by the end it will have something to do with something.

We’ll see.

Crissy and Alice have been watching the Today Show and you know what that means.

They’re all fired up again.

And this time it’s Tori Spelling.

The only good thing Crissy and Alice will say is that they loved her dress, but other than that?

eye roll

She was on yesterday morning talking about all the crap she’s up to and she’s got a reality tv show, and some drama with her mama, and she’s written a book (!)and she’s wicked skinny, and there’s a new line of kid’s clothes coming out in the fall, and Crissy thinks she’s even got a fucking fragrance or some crap like that coming out too.

What is it with every celebrity needing a fragrance these days? It’s weird. Who the hell wants to smell like Sara Jessica Parker?

Crissy just wants her shoes and maybe some of her clothes, but that’s it.

Anyway, Tori Spelling.

And she’s all “I’m a woman just like everyone else” and Meredith Vieira is all swoony over all of Tori’s AMAZING and INCREDIBLE accomplishments and Crissy is just like “oh. Please. Don’t be an asshole, Meredith.”

Alice is smarter and more creative than Tori Spelling.

And she’s much better looking, too.

Tori looks like a donkey with lipstick and fake eyelashes.

But you know what Alice doesn’t have and Tori does?

MONEY and CONNECTIONS.

So Crissy and Alice are totally unimpressed with all of Tori’s success because she’s had the resources to pretty much do whatever she wants.

And Alice?

Not so much.

So Crissy and Alice think it’s bullshit that everyone is so knocked out when a celebrity has all sorts of crap going because really?

If Crissy and Alice had the resources, they’d have a lot of stuff going on too.

In fact, Alice has been working on a fragrance.

It’s an earthy scent.

It sort of smells like grass and bunny shit.

She’s just not sure how to get the marketing just right.

And Crissy is thinking of turning her blog into a book because seriously?

If Doosh and Tori Spelling can do it, Crissy can do it.

Also, Schmuckytown Pubic just had a big budget decrease and so they have to cut some stuff and Crissy might lose her job so we have to think of something else for her to do.

Anybody got a favorite story they think should go in there because Crissy doesn’t even know where to start…

So Daisee, one of you loyal Queef/stalkers, sent Crissy a link all about how Doosh (or as some people call her, Dooce) is going to be on Oprah or that she was on Oprah or some such nonsense like that.

Well la-di-frickin’-da.

You guys remember how Crissy beat the pants off Doosh for Hottest Mommy Blogger, right?

(We don’t need to discuss that if she had announced on her blog that she was nominated that she would have slaughtered Crissy to death because not even Stoogie and his magical, magical, oh so large and impressive Stoogie wand could help Crissy then)

And you guys remember how as soon as Crissy got pregnant, Doosh ran out and got pregnant too, right?

And you know her baby is due in June too because Doosh’s ENORMOUS EGO just can’t let Crissy beat her again but Crissy will be victorious because Taco is due first so Pppppptttttttttt! to you Doosh.

So the article Daisee sent Crissy talks about how poor, poor little Dooshy got a little post partum-y and was sad because her husband was at work and she was all alone and lonely with the baby and then she checked herself into the zoo.

Did Crissy ever tell you that Mister went back to work full time only three days after Girlfriend was born and Crissy was all alone?

And nobody came to help her.

And Crissy and Girlfriend were just fine.

That pretty much makes Crissy a Goddess of Motherhood and Doosh a big, giant pussy girl.

Don’t get Crissy wrong now Queefs. She knows post partum depression is real and she is well aware that it can happen to her just as easily as it happens to anyone else and she’s praying to whoever that she doesn’t get it.

It’s just that she’s so much better than Doosh and that’s the point she’s trying to make.

And Doosh wrote a book about her depression because it seemed like such a big thing to tell everyone about how sad she was and how much it sucked ass.

Like we care, Doosh.

Like we care.

But so many people do, and Crissy doesn’t get it because she tried to read Doosh’s blog, she really did and she wanted to like it, but it’s just that it’s so boring.

And they say she makes $40,000 a month doing it.

WHAT?

Crissy made ten dollars last month.

And Doosh isn’t even pretty!

Crissy is way prettier than Doosh and everybody knows that automatically makes her better in every way imaginable.

See?    

And Doosh thinks she’s gonna steal Brad Pitt from Crissy too.

AS.

IF.

SISTER.

Brad is Crissy’s even though she’d really rather have Alex O’ Loughin but now that she knows Doosh thinks the Pittster is sexy, Crissy’s not gonna let her have him.

HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ENOUGH FROM CRISSY ALREADY DOOSH?

Please Queefs.

If anyone knows Oprah, (Crissy is talking to you bff Rachel!) please call her and tell her that Doosh wants to be Crissy and that it’s no fairs she gets to be on the show and that Crissy doesn’t. Crissy wants to go on Oprah and talk about being Queen of Fucking Everything and how it pretty much makes her more awesomer than everybody, even Oprah. Crissy will even promise to control her mouth and not say even one naughty word.