Girlfriend and the Special Purpose

So when Crissy went to pick Girlfriend up at school yesterday, the atmosphere was really weird and Girlfriend’s backpack was in a strange place and the school principal met her at the door and said in a very serious voice, “we need to talk. Come on in and sit down.”

Oh Jesus Christ, shit, and fuck.

And she took her sweet time finding the right words for what she wanted to say and it seemed like Crissy sat there for an hour before she finally spoke and Crissy was all “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN

WHAT

DID

SHE

DO?”

And the principal said “Girlfriend was involved in an incident in the playground today.”

Apparently Queefs, and you’re gonna shit when Crissy tells you, Girlfriend was alone in the giant pirate ship play structure thing they have with some little dude and when the teachers found them, the little dude was naked and Girlfriend was pointing to his little weenis and laughing.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Crissy just laughed you guys because seriously?

And the principal seemed glad that Crissy wasn’t upset and let her go collect Girlfriend.  All the teachers Crissy saw on the way to get her wore very serious faces as if the kid stabbed Girlfriend with a play dough knife or something and Crissy just wanted to be like, “Will you people chill the fuck out? It’s just a penis!”

It’s not like Girlfriend doesn’t see Mister prancing around the house like the proudest pretty pony each and every single day.

God was Crissy relieved you guys.

Girlfriend had done nothing wrong, and don’t anyone say that pointing and laughing wasn’t the thing to do because any of you would have done the same, and it was only the first in a lifetime of dudes wanting to show her their Special Purpose whether she wants to see it or not.

And on the way out, Crissy saw the little dude’s mother, who clearly had no clue what had happened, on her way in to collect her little exhibitionist. Crissy felt sorry for her and she really wanted to pat her on the shoulder and be like, “It’s no big thing, sista” but Crissy is not familiar with protocol in this particular situation and so she kept quiet and just smiled extra big at her so she’d know Crissy was not offended by but rather amused by her son’s display.

And when Mister asked Girlfriend what happened at school, she told the story and said “I laughed and laughed at him and the teacher’s faces looked shocked just like mommy’s when I cut my hair! They made him take his nap alone in the library because that’s where the naughty kids go. Hahahahahahaha! He’s so silly!”

Poor little dude is probably scarred for life now, but at least Girlfriend has a kick ass story to tell at the sandbox.

“And there I was, minding my own business, about to go down the slide, when he took. it. out.”

For This is the Day The Lord Has Made, Let Us Rejoice and Be Glad

Do you know what today is Queefs?

It’s a day Crissy has been waiting for for a very, very long time.

This very morning Mister is putting the final coat of polyurethane on the hallway floor and in Taco’s room. The last coat has been drying since Saturday morning and it’s finally dry enough for a second coat.

Hallefuckingluja Queefs.

And that means that the plaster/wood dust/paint nightmare that the Crissys have been living in for months now is almost over. There will still be hardships to endure as the Crissys will have to sleep in the Red Carpet Lounge, aka Porn Basement on the pull out sofa tonight and bathe in the laundry sink but that is just fine with Crissy.

And Crissy told Girlfriend and Alice that it’s camping so it’s fine with them too.  Those two are  always up for an adventure.

Mister has worked his balls off every night and weekend to get this done and finally the Crissys can be a family again instead of disaster refugees and Crissy will post before and after pictures for you Queefs once the whole thing is done.

It will be glorious.

GLORIOUS!!!

But that’s not what Crissy wanted to talk about today because last night Crissy was watching Deadliest Catch with Mister and it’s one of their favorite shows because the Crissys are seafaring peoples and Crissy has spent many a summer clinging to the mast of her in-law’s sailboat praying to Jesus to save her sunning herself on the deck of her in-law’s boat called the Afterglow (is that not the best boat name ever?):

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But it’s been totaled after an unfortunate incident and they don’t have it anymore and Crissy misses screaming and begging the boat not to flip over the sun and sea and hopes they replace it soon.

So clearly, Crissy knows everything about boating now from spending so many summers on the Afterglow and so naturally she knows all about what it’s like being a fisherman on the Bering sea in the freezing cold and that’s why she loves the show but you know what else?

That Mike Rowe is fucking hot.

Crissy could listen to him narrate paint drying and be moist in her panties area for days.

And don’t get Crissy started on Dirtiest Jobs because not only is Mike’s voice hot, Mike is hot too.

Even when he’s covered in pig vomit, Crissy would still lick him from stem to stern (do you see what Crissy did there, Queefs? Stern is a boat word! Crissy is wicked smot).

And he can do a dirty job on Crissy anytime.

And you know what else you guys?

He’s smart.

How many dudes do you know who can be elbow deep in a cow’s hey-nanny-nanny and ponder Descartes at the same time?

Not many, and that also makes Crissy’s panties fall off in a big way.

And so this post is dedicated to Mister who is both smart and sexy and is Good With Tools (of every kind, in every capacity, wink, wink) and who has finally made it to the end of his own personal hell, and to Mike Rowe who Crissy would very much like to fuck.

I’d rather have my twidget violated, thanks.

Crissy loved all your hair stories yesterday! Sadly, Miss Stephanie doesn’t have an opening until Thursday at 4:00 so we have to wait until then to bring Girlfriend in. Crissy will post some before and after pictures of little Charo for you on Friday.

So, anyways, we have a short post for you today because Crissy for some totally fucked up insane douche reason made an 8:45 dentist appointment for this morning, and she always does that to herself and she’d like to go back in time six months and punch herself in the face for doing it, but her DeLorean is being fixed and so time traveling is right out for today and so she can’t go punch herself in the face and that means she doesn’t have time to write a marvelous piece of genius writing like she always does and so she’s going to leave you with a brief anecdote regarding the dentist and her loathing of going there.

Crissy hates the dentist. She loves her Dr. Ganim because she’s been going to him since she was 3 and he cannot tell Crissy how much he loves to see that little three year old Crissy bring in her little three year old Girlfriend to see him, but she hates having her face touched by anyone, for any reason, and so having someone’s hands in her mouth is just like, forget it.

She’d rather have someone’s hand up her twidget to tell you the truth but that’s not until Friday!

Crissy’s at the stage of Taconess that she gets to be violated weekly to see what her cervix is up to.

Woo-hoo!

Good times.

But you know what Queefs? At least Crissy’s twidge is getting some kind of action because these days, the only one having any fun in Crissy’s bed is Sookie Stackhouse and even Sookie is getting less and less of it now.

But anyway, Crissy had one tiny cavity once from her graduate school days when she just drank coffee with plenty of sugar in it and smoked cigarettes and beamed around on amphetamines, and alternately, Klonopins all the time and could barely remember to pee never mind brush her teeth three times a day and Dr. Ganim was trying to fill it with some white ceramic-ish substance and when he ever started shooting Crissy up with the numby stuff she freaked out a little bit.

Those needles are BIG you guys.

And when Dr. Ganim was done he said to Crissy, “I have good news, and I have very bad news. The good news is that you’re done for the day. The bad news is that when you decide to have babies,  childbirth is much, much worse than this.”

And you know what Queefs?

It’s not.

Crissy would much rather pop a Taco out than have her mouth touched.

So yeah.

Fun morning.

So the plan is that when Crissy is out of the dentist she’s going to eat handfuls of chocolates just to spite him.

 

Cuchi-Cuchi. We will all look back on this and laugh! Hahahahahaha!

There Crissy was, minding her own business when she had a sudden urge to go and look for a bottle of lotion in the bathroom cabinet even though she knew it wasn’t in there because Crissy is a little bit psychic or she has very good intuition or something and she just knows things sometimes and also just knows stuff is going to happen even when all signs say otherwise so when something tells her to go and do something right away, she does it.

So she hauled her big giant ass off her bed where she had been lounging reading some pulpy book about vampires and girls named Sookie (thanks Val! Crissy has read three of the series this weekend! Why isn’t there more hot vampy sex like in the first one? Makes Crissy sad.) to go into the bathroom for the lotion.

She opened the closet and what did she find in there?

Big Bird?

No.

Ricky Martin?

No, Ricky came out of the closet already didn’t he? He’s so hawt, isn’t he? Remind Crissy to tell you about the religious experience she had once while watching him on Oprah. It changed Crissy’s life.

Anygay, it was Girlfriend in the closet.

And she had the haircutting scissors Crissy uses to trim Girlfriend’s ends.

And she was standing in a pile and holding fist fulls of her HAIR!!!

Her beautiful, beautiful, beautiful hair!

And Crissy was not even able to assess the damage because right away all she saw was the piles of curls and she immediately went into hyper-active and freaked the fuck out.

And then Girlfriend freaked the fuck out because Crissy did and poor Mister was in the shower shaving his balls and was all “what is happening? Somebody tell me what is happening!” because both Crissy and Girlfriend were running around the house crying and yelling because after her haircut Girlfriend now looks like Charo.

While that look may work for Charo, or, um, not, it does not work for Girlfriend, but Crissy supposes she should be really grateful it’s not worse.

Girlfriend could have cut off huge chunks right at the scalp and made herself look like she has The Cancer or something.

And Crissy knows all kids do this at least once in their lives and she fully expected it to happen at some point, but holy shit you guys. Crissy was not prepared for the shock of it.

And so Crissy’s task for today is to call the lovely Miss Stephanie, who cuts Mister’s hair (and who Mister is a little sweet on if you ask Crissy and her intuition), because so far Stephanie is the only person who Girlfriend has ever sat still for, and hopefully she can even out the choppy Charo-ness so that we can all move on and laugh about this someday very, very soon.

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Remember the time Girlfriend chopped her hair up and looked like Charo?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHA!!!

Oy.

Please tell Crissy your “once, when I was little, I cut my own hair” stories. It will make her feel much better.

No sleep makes Crissy boring

Oh Queefies.

Crissy is so tired today and she has a cold.

She didn’t sleep last night at all because Taco had the hiccups and Mister had the taking up 99 % of the bed no matter how hard Crissy tried to shove him back to his side and Alice had The Gas and kept waking herself up and growling at her own ass and today is a very, very busy day of groceries and Target and all sorts of errands to do while dragging a bitchy and uncooperative Girlfriend around with her.

And Crissy tried to paint her toezies this morning but no.  She can reach them just fine but it’s so uncomfortable that she made a mess instead of a pretty and so that makes her lay on her bed and cry for twenty minutes feel even more sad because she’s forced to go to the Stop and Shop with naked toes in front of Vinny and everyone.

Crissy just wants to be pretty and unfettered like she was a long long time ago and so she has decided to run away and never ever come back.

Who’s in?