Today, we’re in the melon business.

Last night Crissy was looking through a maternity magazine her mother-in-law no doubt swiped for her from a doctor’s office or a drug store somewhere because she’s funny like that. She drives around in an $80,000 Mercedes, but shoves fistfuls of ketchup and sugar packets into her Prada purse and if there’s a sign that says “Free! Take one!” she takes them all. And sometimes even when it doesn’t say “Free! Take one!” she still takes it. Ask Mister to tell you about the toothbrush incident. It’s cute. We like Marcy.

Anyway, this post is not about Marcy.

It’s about horrifying maternity stuff in the purloined magazine that made Crissy and Mister laugh right out loud.

When you watch this first video you’re going to expect Tina Fey to jump out any second but she never does and it might make you cry a little bit because they’re dead serious about this product and that is what is truly horrifying:

It’s the Kush Support and it’s for people with a C cup or larger who are apparently suffering from lack of sleep because their boobs are flopping all over the place and Crissy would make a joke about it but the product itself is joke enough she thinks and also she’ll leave space for either Mister or Stoogie or both to make some sort of joke about putting his dick there instead.

Anyway, it’s right up there with the

… if you ask Crissy.

And let Crissy ask you Queefs something.

Have you ever been so frustrated you could just cry from fumbling with your breast pump whilst simultaneously trying to schedule appointments over the phone?

Well you never need fumble again!!!

It’s the Easy Expression Bustier !!!

And don’t worry. The pump is totally silent so the person on the other end of the phone will never hear your pump just a WooooPssshhhWooooPsssshhhing away in the background while you milk yourself.

Jesus.

But while those products may be silly and horrifying, Crissy is dead serious about these little jobbies:

They’re for the nursing mommy who likes to par-tay.

And Crissy thinks it’s just wonderful because you know the second Taco pops out the drinkies will be flowing once again and since the alcohol content in boobie juice matches blood alcohol it’s probably wise for Crissy to abstain from the drink but fuck that. It’s going to be summertime and the livin’s EZ! And it’s not like Crissy has a problem with giving alcohol to children per se because it’s very European and Crissy is so inter-continental like that, but here in Americaland it apparently does something to their little brains and gives them The Retardation or some such thing and until Obama grants women the right to be an alcoholic and a dairy cow,  she won’t give Taco the Martoonis.  For now though, Crissy doesn’t have to pump and dump or pump and watch Mister drink it down because he didn’t want to waste it like she did so many times with Girlfriend.

There is a God Queefs and she decided Crissy needed a melon juice sobriety test kit and that’s a good thing.

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31 comments

  1. ok…so is the top part a parody? I dared not watch the whole thing with my little one eyeing the computer. Doesn’t it just look like some dude used this line on her, “Hey Baby, I’ve got EXACTLY what you need to prop up your hooters.” And then they made a million bucks.

    Did they have to make it flesh tone? Really?!

  2. And because I seem to have more to say, couldn’t we all just take our favorite dildo and take care of the whole business? Just a quick rub out, with convenient storage to support the girls.

    then everyone’s happy.

  3. Rach- I was thinking a roll of socks would do the same thing, but I like the dildo idea better. It’s sexxxxxy. In fact, why not just walk around like that all the time? Why is it just for sleeping? Shouldn’t a lady always be prepared?

  4. Here in my city, they take the Snuggie darn serious. I mean, they’re having a Snuggie Pub Crawl next month. Where people must wear their Snuggies. Then again, maybe people just take their alcohol seriously. In which case, we’ll need an order of that Milk Screen please.

    SoMi’s Nilsa’s last blog post: BlogDrive

  5. I was also going to say a peen really would work just fine and dandy instead of forking over $55, but if your sleeping with a grown man straddling you, he’d probably accidently suffocate your ass. Crissy, you’re on point with the soft roll of socks. A dildo could slip out and poke you in the eye. Plus, if your kid comes in after a nightmare, would you rather they find socks there or a plastic cock?

    If you’ve got huge ones, try a slender bottle of water. It tackles the middle-of-the-night thirsts!

    OMG, the WTF Blacket parody is friggin’ hilarious!

    Akilah Sakai’s last blog post: Happy IVGLDSW Day!

  6. matt–you can see it because i ripped it from their site and hosted it here. 😀

    i like the bottle of water idea–poland springs is REALLY missing out on a marketing opportunity!

  7. Mary- There really aren’t any anyway.

    Nilsa- I’d actually like to see that. Not participate, just observe.

    Akilah- I love the way you think! A water bottle is perfect!

    Kelly- It so does! It’s just one of the many glamorous and sexy things about motherhood!

    Matt- No one is here to judge you, my friend. I won’t even be offended if you come back later to watch it during Alone Time.

    Erin- Shhhhhh! Don’t tell them about it! They’ll make us do that!

    Pimp- You mean you aren’t going to make a joke about putting your dick there instead?

  8. I’m so glad I’m working from home today and got the full effects of this post, as opposed to seeing it in bits until I could get home. First of all, in the Kush video, seriously? $55 for a flesh-colored tube to shove between my tits? Come on already. I have no idea why I’m not a millionaire; if this guy can make a fortune selling this dumb idea.

    I love the Snuggie video. And I love the Snuggie pub crawl. Now I sort of want one so I can go participate.

    And that pump corset thing really makes me want to never have children and sort of makes me want to punch small kittens. Who wants to walk around with a pump strapped to them? Although, I guess I see how my uncle’s dairy cows must have felt. Ick.

  9. Deutlich- It’s a good idea, I just don’t think I could ever bring myself to use it. It’s just too much.

    Daisee- The good news is that having a baby doesn’t mean you HAVE TO use any of this crap.

    Marie- It’s not as bad as these things make it look. I swear!

    K8- Hand, penis, whatever.

    crissy’s last blog post: Today, we’re in the melon business.

  10. I was doing ok with this until I got to the part about Mister quaffing breast milk. And the pumping bustier… ummm…no.

    I’d never considered that maybe I can’t sleep at night because of my rogue boobies. I am thinkin’ that one of my SoBe Lifewater bottles would do the trick. Also, if you have a baby and don’t breastfeed, you could keep the baby bottle there and then you wouldn’t ever have to fumble with a bottle warmer when the lil’ nipper wants feeding at the crack of insanity!

    MsDarkstar’s last blog post: Not on the schedule, but needed to be done

  11. as someone who has never had to wonder what it’s like to have enormous boobs that flop around in my sleep, i may just not know what i’m talking about, but… $55?? i’m with the rest of you, that’s what socks / dildos / peens / your children’s stuffed animals are for.

    DUDE, forget the dandelions, just wear that milking contraption and walk around outside your dickweed neighbor’s house a lot.

    alice’s last blog post: now with less snot!

  12. matt: it’s rather nice, isn’t it? mmmmmmm.

    ms.darkstar: so i can chow down on my wife’s muff for a half hour and come up looking like a glazed donut, but i’m not supposed to throw back a glass of milk from the tap?!?

  13. $55? And she keeps it next to the bed in it’s nice satin cover?
    I could really see Mr. go for that wear it pump thingie, only he would be wearing it a little lower down. Do they make a Jockie version for guys?

    JoeInVegas’s last blog post: Animation

  14. Alice- I would but it might turn him on. You how how those Catholics are.

    Matt- It’s here for you as many times as you need it…

    Shelly- I have NO IDEA!!

    Pimp- Glazed donut? EWWWWWWW!!! Must you be so gross?

    Joe- If they did make a jock style penis milker it would be the most popular thing EVER.

    crissy’s last blog post: Today, we’re in the melon business.

  15. The pumping bustier is a real fashion find. But if you use it in the summer while lounging by the pool, doesn’t it leave unsightly tan lines? But I guess the upside is that you would have all the ingredients for a White Russian right at your fingertits. You do always have vodka handy, don’t you?

    Dingo’s last blog post: How ’Bout ’Dem Apples!

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