Last night Crissy was looking through a maternity magazine her mother-in-law no doubt swiped for her from a doctor’s office or a drug store somewhere because she’s funny like that. She drives around in an $80,000 Mercedes, but shoves fistfuls of ketchup and sugar packets into her Prada purse and if there’s a sign that says “Free! Take one!” she takes them all. And sometimes even when it doesn’t say “Free! Take one!” she still takes it. Ask Mister to tell you about the toothbrush incident. It’s cute. We like Marcy.
Anyway, this post is not about Marcy.
It’s about horrifying maternity stuff in the purloined magazine that made Crissy and Mister laugh right out loud.
When you watch this first video you’re going to expect Tina Fey to jump out any second but she never does and it might make you cry a little bit because they’re dead serious about this product and that is what is truly horrifying:
It’s the Kush Support and it’s for people with a C cup or larger who are apparently suffering from lack of sleep because their boobs are flopping all over the place and Crissy would make a joke about it but the product itself is joke enough she thinks and also she’ll leave space for either Mister or Stoogie or both to make some sort of joke about putting his dick there instead.
Anyway, it’s right up there with the
… if you ask Crissy.
And let Crissy ask you Queefs something.
Have you ever been so frustrated you could just cry from fumbling with your breast pump whilst simultaneously trying to schedule appointments over the phone?
Well you never need fumble again!!!
It’s the Easy Expression Bustier !!!
And don’t worry. The pump is totally silent so the person on the other end of the phone will never hear your pump just a WooooPssshhhWooooPsssshhhing away in the background while you milk yourself.
But while those products may be silly and horrifying, Crissy is dead serious about these little jobbies:
They’re for the nursing mommy who likes to par-tay.
And Crissy thinks it’s just wonderful because you know the second Taco pops out the drinkies will be flowing once again and since the alcohol content in boobie juice matches blood alcohol it’s probably wise for Crissy to abstain from the drink but fuck that. It’s going to be summertime and the livin’s EZ! And it’s not like Crissy has a problem with giving alcohol to children per se because it’s very European and Crissy is so inter-continental like that, but here in Americaland it apparently does something to their little brains and gives them The Retardation or some such thing and until Obama grants women the right to be an alcoholic and a dairy cow, she won’t give Taco the Martoonis. For now though, Crissy doesn’t have to pump and dump or pump and watch Mister drink it down because he didn’t want to waste it like she did so many times with Girlfriend.
There is a God Queefs and she decided Crissy needed a melon juice sobriety test kit and that’s a good thing.
- As Exciting as Watching a Giraffe Take a Shadoobie – OR- My Video is Fucked So Now You’ll Read This Crap and Love It.
- Either you eat the frosting or you don’t, but I can’t be your friend anymore.
- If Crissy gets arrested for kid porn, she’ll know she’s gone too far this time.
- Crissy takes it in the pooper.
- Vaseline: Perfect for Chapped Lips and Banging Your Mother