There’s something about Crissy’s house that she’s never mentioned before but she’s going to now because the irony of it is just so…

so…

ironic.

It’s going to make all the Queefs say “WHAT???” and then “Oh HELL NO!!!”

While the Historical Society Assclowns are busting the Crissy’s balls about what they’re allowed to do (well, not anymore since the Crissys plan to go ahead and do whateverthefucktheyplease because that’s how they’re going to roll from now on) with the house, the Numbnuts across the street is pulling his own bunch of bullshit.

You see Queefs, Numbnuts owns a big old ugly characterless vinyl sided tenement house that he inherited from his grandpa. It’s got like, Crissy doesn’t know, 5 apartments in it or something? And it has a bunch of land behind it. The Crissys almost didn’t buy their house because they weren’t sure they wanted to look at this ugly motherfucking tenement all the time, but they decided to just not look at it and that was fine.

AND THEN!!!

A couple of months after the Crissys moved in, they get a notice that Numbnuts wants to build a duplex on his land behind the ugly house and pave over whatever grassyness he has on the front and side to make a parking lot for his existing tenants.

WHAT?

THE?

FUCKING?

FUCK?

And the whole neighborhood signed a petition to stop him because this is not that kind of a neighborhood. It’s full of beautiful antique houses and it’s got a nice mix of styles from Ranch to Colonial to Cape, even a cute little Tudor cottage here and there, and then the Crissy’s rare and far more beautific Craftsman style one, and Numbnuts’s house is already an eyesore and a misfit.

So everyone is pissed off at him and everyone shows up for a neighborhood meeting and then members of the Zoning Board came to see what they were deciding on and the whole neighborhood went to the zoning meeting and it was determined that his planned monstrosity would destroy “the essential character of the neighborhood” and that his existing house is already doing that but we’ll just let that slide.

So the zoning board, in their wisdom, said “nofuckingway, Numbnuts” and everyone was happy.

Except Numbnuts, obviously.

So he bought another house on the same street and everyone was relieved that he had given up. In fact the house he bought was foreclosed and really looked like crap so things were actually looking like they would improve.

UNTIL!!!!

The Crissys and all the neighbors got a certified letter informing us that Numbnuts and his Dickweed lawyer are suing the Zoning Board for their decision.

Now everyone hates him with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns.

That’s like, a lot and a lot in case any of you Queefs don’t know anything about astrology or astronomy or whatever.

And Crissy wants very much to do something to him and fix his wagon but she needs help from the Queefs to come up with a Very Good Plan and it has to be something Very Special because Numbnuts is a Very Special kind of asshole.

There’s always this option:

Yes, that’s right. She whipped that one out AGAIN!!

Because she can.

And Crissy has already drawn up some schematics for how she’ll rig up the penis vanilla ice cream dispenser for the neighborhood children, especially Numbnuts’s children. She’d show you but it’s very complicated and only something a Queen can understand.

Numbnuts is a devout Catholic and so Crissy also thought about painting some abortion scenes complete with smiling bloody fetuses wearing thorny crowns and holding upside down crosses and maybe a little sodomy scene here and there on her front fence for his viewing pleasure.

Also, Crissy will stop making Mister wear pants to mow the lawn for the sole benefit of Numbnuts’s pre-teen daughter.

But what else you guys?

Any formal suggestions from the Queefs should be submitted on the form below:

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