As nasty as she wants to be

There’s something about Crissy’s house that she’s never mentioned before but she’s going to now because the irony of it is just so…

so…

ironic.

It’s going to make all the Queefs say “WHAT???” and then “Oh HELL NO!!!”

While the Historical Society Assclowns are busting the Crissy’s balls about what they’re allowed to do (well, not anymore since the Crissys plan to go ahead and do whateverthefucktheyplease because that’s how they’re going to roll from now on) with the house, the Numbnuts across the street is pulling his own bunch of bullshit.

You see Queefs, Numbnuts owns a big old ugly characterless vinyl sided tenement house that he inherited from his grandpa. It’s got like, Crissy doesn’t know, 5 apartments in it or something? And it has a bunch of land behind it. The Crissys almost didn’t buy their house because they weren’t sure they wanted to look at this ugly motherfucking tenement all the time, but they decided to just not look at it and that was fine.

AND THEN!!!

A couple of months after the Crissys moved in, they get a notice that Numbnuts wants to build a duplex on his land behind the ugly house and pave over whatever grassyness he has on the front and side to make a parking lot for his existing tenants.

WHAT?

THE?

FUCKING?

FUCK?

And the whole neighborhood signed a petition to stop him because this is not that kind of a neighborhood. It’s full of beautiful antique houses and it’s got a nice mix of styles from Ranch to Colonial to Cape, even a cute little Tudor cottage here and there, and then the Crissy’s rare and far more beautific Craftsman style one, and Numbnuts’s house is already an eyesore and a misfit.

So everyone is pissed off at him and everyone shows up for a neighborhood meeting and then members of the Zoning Board came to see what they were deciding on and the whole neighborhood went to the zoning meeting and it was determined that his planned monstrosity would destroy “the essential character of the neighborhood” and that his existing house is already doing that but we’ll just let that slide.

So the zoning board, in their wisdom, said “nofuckingway, Numbnuts” and everyone was happy.

Except Numbnuts, obviously.

So he bought another house on the same street and everyone was relieved that he had given up. In fact the house he bought was foreclosed and really looked like crap so things were actually looking like they would improve.

UNTIL!!!!

The Crissys and all the neighbors got a certified letter informing us that Numbnuts and his Dickweed lawyer are suing the Zoning Board for their decision.

Now everyone hates him with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns.

That’s like, a lot and a lot in case any of you Queefs don’t know anything about astrology or astronomy or whatever.

And Crissy wants very much to do something to him and fix his wagon but she needs help from the Queefs to come up with a Very Good Plan and it has to be something Very Special because Numbnuts is a Very Special kind of asshole.

There’s always this option:

kensstatue.jpg

Yes, that’s right. She whipped that one out AGAIN!!

Because she can.

And Crissy has already drawn up some schematics for how she’ll rig up the penis vanilla ice cream dispenser for the neighborhood children, especially Numbnuts’s children. She’d show you but it’s very complicated and only something a Queen can understand.

Numbnuts is a devout Catholic and so Crissy also thought about painting some abortion scenes complete with smiling bloody fetuses wearing thorny crowns and holding upside down crosses and maybe a little sodomy scene here and there on her front fence for his viewing pleasure.

Also, Crissy will stop making Mister wear pants to mow the lawn for the sole benefit of Numbnuts’s pre-teen daughter.

But what else you guys?

Any formal suggestions from the Queefs should be submitted on the form below:

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34 comments

  1. Doesn’t dipshit know who he’s dealing with? Maybe you just need to go introduce yourself and the pregnant Queen of Fucking Everything and that he likely doesn’t want to mess with you, your family or your perfectly happy street. I mean, nuff said, right?!

    SoMi’s Nilsa’s last blog post: Charities

  2. I’m with Lost Artist, at the very least leave the placenta on his porch or in his mailbox. You could also do your walking routine in front of his house – naked.

  3. I would just send Char over and have her sit under his porch: “You will NEVA win! NEVA!”

    The white hot intensity of her screams should stop everyone in. their. tracks.

    He may even pay the Queen to make her stop.

  4. I used to live in Memphis and a few years back, this guy (locally infamous for a variety of reasons) went a little too far over the edge. He had impaled doll heads on stakes in his yard (I mean all over the yard), he nailed orange traffic cones to his roof, he spray painted his trees and fence, and he put up all sorts of weird displays in his front yard. He lived in a fairly busy but very nice neighborhood, so it was seen by tons. Zoning tried to get him to take it all down and after a really long fight, he moved to Canada.

    I tell you this not-so-short story to give you some suggestions – either put a lot of weird crap in your yard to scare him off or put a lot of weird crap in his yard when he’s not looking and get him booted to Canada.

  5. yep, we have enough assholes here aleady. Don’t even think about shipping your assholes here too!!!

    When you figure out your revenge I’ll try it on my neighbour too, who leaves a truck load of garbage in his driveway then parks in front of my house. GRRRRR

  6. It could be worse – you could live next door to him like Rich, Michele and Alena! Maybe Girlfriend and Alena could figure out a plan to drive him nuts…

  7. I think you should blow up some of those nakey sweater pictures you took of Mister and make a mural with them on your garage door. They would really tie in with the statue…

    Cal’s last blog post: Better than lint

  8. Time for you to make nice with Vinny of the deli counter. I am sure he has some associates who will show Numbnuts the error of his way. You do live in Rhode Island, don’t you!

  9. Personally, if it was my neighbor, I would train my dog to piss and crap on his lawn. That always irks the neighbors. Otherwise, I’d get Le Husband drunk and tell him to do it. I’d invite some friends over to help out.

    I wonder if you could call the police and get his tenement blighted. That would solve many problems.

    Dolce’s last blog post: In short

  10. your neighborhood should ban together to do a lot of lowkey harassement, which will = SUPER ANNOYING HARASSEMENT to him since he’ll be the target of all of it. like, ALL neighborhood dogs poop in his lawn. neighborhood kids take turns knocking down his mailbox and ripping the screens on his windows. writing foul / obscene things on his driveway and sidewalk in chalk over and over again. blowing dandelion puffs all over his lawn to seed his lawn with weeds. anything remotely annoying, but on a large scale since it will be a group effort 🙂

    alice’s last blog post: now with less snot!

  11. omg! you live in Westeria Lane!!!!!!!
    I say call Edward Scissorhands…he’ll start cutting women’s hair and they’ll have orgasms and Numbnut will be playing the organ with his borderline Catholic songs and he’ll die of a heart attack.

    Thrice’s last blog post: MY UN-LOVE STORY

  12. The bloody aborted fetus pix won’t work. He probably already has a supply to hand out on streetcorners. It doesn’t sound as if he will win the appeal, so don’t worry. Also, don’t do anything to make his house look worse–if that happens, the town might let him tear it down and replace it with something that you really don’t want.

    M.’s last blog post: The General Theory of Employment, Interest and Money

  13. Nobody should mess with the queen….especially when she’s hormonal. Here’s my mean as hell solution for you….Send an application for his house to be declared a historic site….Lizzie Borden slept there or some such BS. Even while it is pending he will be unable to do squat to it without an injunction being slapped on him. Who knows he might even get designated…that would end his landlord career

    Ream o Rama’s last blog post: There’s hope for us all yet

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