You know what made Crissy call her mom on Saturday morning, sobbing into the phone and repeatedly saying “serenity now! serenity now!” to the point where she decided to cancel her busy plans masturbating to Barry Manilow to come over and help Crissy so she didn’t have a total mental breakdown?
And that’s because pregnant ladies get this thing called nesting and it’s when you have this urge to get ready for the baby by gathering all the shit you need and getting all the little diapers and onesies and crap ready to roll.
By her fifth month of pregnancy she had Girlfriend’s room all ready already and it did not suprise her midwife at all who said “you’re such the type” with a big eye roll as if preparedness is a bad thing.
And it’s a damn good thing Crissy was so ready because Girlfriend came two weeks early.
See? Crissy does things ahead of schedule.
And it’s not like that this time and Crissy has been waking up with nightmares of Taco sleeping in the laundry basket because right now the room looks like this:
Okay. That was last weekend but it looks the same except that Mister has taken the carpet out.
Crissy can’t very well get things ready now can she?
This is particularly difficult for Crissy because she always has a plan, or a list, or an itinerary. If Crissy is not early, then she’s late, which is actually on time. Crissy never lets her car get below 1/4 tank and if it does, Crissy will wake up at 3 am to worry about when and where she’s going to get gas for the car before she and Girlfriend are stranded on the road and will have to pee in the woods and hitchhike to the nearest gas station and probably they’ll be abducted by a homicidal trucker rapist who’s too hopped up on crank and truck sodas to just go and abuse some hooker at a rest area like all normal truck drivers. If there is an assignment or a deadline, Crissy gets to work immediately and never, never waits until the last minute to do things.
Some people might call this anal but Crissy calls it smart because who the hell likes to be in a panic to get stuff done at the last possible second?
Crissy will tell you who.
He waits until the last second all the time and that drives Crissy absofuckinglutelyoutofhermind.
And get this– sometimes the last second passes and he’s still done nothing!!!!
This is unbelievable to Crissy.
And you should see us when we have to go somewhere. We would always be late if it weren’t for Crissy standing at the door with her coat on, jumping up and down and yelling “COME THE FUCK ON!!!”
And this tragic character flaw isn’t even really his fault because his whole family does it.
He doesn’t really know any better. It’s like the same way that a child raised by wolves doesn’t know better than to take a dump in the middle of the living room.
Thank Jesus Crissy broke Mister of that habit!
If you tell his mother that “dinner is at 6:00,” that’s the time when she starts thinking about getting ready to make whatever it is she was supposed to bring. And that makes inter-family gatherings rawther interesting indeed as Crissy comes from a long line of preparers and her family is there 15 minutes early at least and Mister’s family waltzes in an hour later after Crissy’s family has been pacing around like hungry tigers.
Do you see what Crissy is forced to put up with?
Crissy is late for her workout now because of all the complaining she had to do this morning and in this particular instance “late” does not mean “on time” but really, really fucking late which means she won’t be in the shower by 8:00 to be on the road to drop Girlfriend off at school and possibly flip off some pajamaed cunt in an Escalade by 8:50 and arrive at work by 9:00.
As you can plainly see, Crissy’s suffering is unimaginable and her stress level is through the roof and if those little pussy whiners in the Sudan or Darfur or the Special Olympians or whatever think they have it rough, they need to come and live with Crissy for a while.
- Thanksgiving: A Retrospective
- Overheard in Crissy’s Shower This Very Weekend Past. Brought to you by the Makers of Klonopin, Stoli, and Norplant.
- A rabbit in the cage is worth two in the bush. Hahahahaha! Crissy said “bush.”
- This is way better than the nematodes, you guys. Like, WAY.