Another Crissyspage Brilliant Idea.

You know what makes Crissy so mad you guys?

People who walk right through a door you’ve held for them and don’t bother to acknowledge you and say “thank you ” thereby forcing you to shout “YOU’RE WELCOME YOUR HIGHNESS ” at them?

People who use the last shred of toilet paper and don’t bother to replace it?

Forever 21’s bullshit return policy?

Yes, but that’s not all.

What makes Crissy really, really mad are old people who drive.

They suck.


And Crissy isn’t saying that old people shouldn’t be allowed to drive. Her Papa is 93 and he drives like the wind and Crissy thinks that’s just dandy. He’d be devastated if he couldn’t drive anymore and Crissy understands and sympathizes with that, she really does. She also understands what a bummer it would be for both herself and Papa if she had to drive him around to do his groceries and go to the foot doctor and stuff.

And that is why Crissy is going to call Obama with her new idea since he’s trying to do all this work on the infrastructure and everything and Crissy thinks that while all the constructing is happening they should build a separate lane for the old people to drive in so that normal people, people who drive at the perfect speed and always use their directionals, don’t have to share a road with the cotton heads.

Crissy shouldn’t have to be forced to endure Grandpa in his Buick/Mercury/Cadillac with all the POW and USA and WWII and Proud to be an American Veteran trucker caps proudly displayed on the back deck right there next to the spare tissues so that he cannot tell if there is anyone behind him as he drives along at 15 miles per hour for miles and miles forcing Crissy to cross the double yellows and shout “KICK IT IN THE PANTS GRANDPA!!! THE HORSELESS CARRIAGES GO FAST!!! and risk a ticket because seriously? Crissy is too busy and important for this jackassery.

And Crissy thinks this lane should also be reserved for drunks, teenagers, moms in SUVs and Minivans who must be driving while breastfeeding or organizing their Target lists or something, assholes on the phone, and perhaps the worst drivers out there, the uninsured poor and the Dirty Foreign People who cannot read English street signs and so Mister has to shout things out of the windows at them like “andale senor!” and other sorts of foreign language things like that.

Some of you may think Crissy is kidding but you will thank her when you’re just driving along without aggravation. Unless you’re an Asshole on the phone and then you’ll be stuck behind Grandpa and then you’ll finally know how it feels to be Crissy and that will be sweet.


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  1. Me thinks that simply creating a QOFE lane might be easier than transferring everyone you mentioned over to the ‘Everyone Hates You’ lane. Either way I think you’re on the right track though.

    I’d also like to propose similar lane schemes for grocery stores. The seven cents these geriatrics are saving on beans is not worth the 12 minutes it took to decide between the three no name brands while their carts are skewed across the aisle.

    Ben’s last blog post: Professor Ben

  2. I absolutely say YOU’RE WELCOME to people who do not say thank you when they should. Oh, that drives me batshit crazy, too.

    With ideas like yours, I’d vote to put you in office. Despite your basement of skeletons! =)

    SoMi’s Nilsa’s last blog post: Peeves

  3. jackassery…I’m not using that word enough.

    I am living in the “Q-Tip” state however, and there is no escape from the oldness…unless you eat dinner AFTER 6pm. Then they’re gone.

  4. Amen sister!

    Arizona is the worst. My in-laws are the cotton ball type, kept taking us hours to get anywhere. Finally my husband says, “Don’t you have highways here?” To that they respond, “Brand new ones! We don’t use them, you have to drive too fast.” Um 65 is too fast?

    Kelly’s last blog post: Every Once In A While I Get To Be Me

  5. I actually think a QOFE (and her Queefs) lane is a spectacular idea. My parents are AWFUL drivers (but will cite their lack of having accidents as proof of their good driving). But I’ve been in the car with my dad who can’t hear directions unless they are shouted at him and my mom who gets distracted talking (and feels she has to be turned to look at YOU rather than looking at the ROAD).

    MsDarkstar’s last blog post: Blog or Poopsmith?

  6. It doesn’t help that we work on the grounds with the SENIOR CENTER! And that there’s also a park here where the “cotton heads” walk every day and it takes all my restraint not to run them over in order to get a good parking spot! Can you ask Obama to relocate our senior center too?

  7. Whoa. You have crossed the line, lady. Crossed. The. Line. I am a mom who drives an SUV and I drive an SUV just so I can have my OWN lane. I will not be segregated into a lane with dirty foreigners and the olds.


    melissalion’s last blog post: Hi Hi Okay Yes

  8. good idea. I always thought you should be re-tested after a certain age. we had to apply to the government to get my grandma’s license taken away because she was driving terribly. she had a hit and run and she would stop in the middle of the road to get something out of her eye.

    anyway, fabulous

  9. One time I honked and honked and honked and flipped the bird and yelled obscenities at a car in front of me that was going too slow and then I realized it was a little old lady and my boyfriend at the time was sitting next to me and was MORTIFIED which made me even madder so I flipped her off MORE.

    Kiala’s last blog post: Well. We both work from home now. Well.

  10. What’s scary is that you’ll see the Q-tip heads shuffling painfully across the parking lot to get to their QE2 monstrosity. If you can’t lift your foot without hydraulics and a series of gears and wheels, you should be behind the wheel!

    Dingo’s last blog post: Red Read Well

  11. Too funny, as I left a parking lot @ work today, I had to stop my exiting process. An old fart driving a buick with his WWII cap and his q-tip wife proceed to back into another car driven by a q-tip who was in fact backing into the buick at the same time. Is it so wrong that I sat there and laughed my ass off? How appropriate for today’s topic.

  12. Yes and ecpecially old people in Raisin Cans (motorhomes) should also be suggested to drive in this special lane. Ps,that granmda looks like she either is somewhere where they drive on the other side of the road/car, or thats a student driver chicken break/steering wheel. Which is it?

  13. If we could just have the flying cars that we were promiced years ago then the Q-tips could drive on the ground and all the cool people could fly right by them. Either that or the transporters that they use on Star-Trek. Oopps, I think my geek just got out.

  14. This is awesome, but you’ve only scratched the surface here. I think old people should have their own lines at stores, too, so they aren’t fishing for exact change in pennies on line in front of me at Starbucks while complaining about the cost of everything as I get even later for an appointment with my accountant so that I can pay for their goddamn small tea with my taxes.

    They should also have their own lines at the DMV, their own restaurants, their own sidewalks, and, please, their own bathrooms. And if they had their own trains and busses, no young person would ever again have to give up a seat for someone just because they are made of nothing but crushed mothballs held together with urine and therefore might blow away if they stand for too long.

    As QOFE, can you also pass a law that says that nobody over the age of sixty can buy any more makeup? They obviously have too much already.

    I could go on. Can you tell I could go on?

    stoogepie’s last blog post: Great Stories of the Bible 2

  15. What about the family’s that decide it’s a great idea to denote every member with sticker, stick figure representation?

    Or the a-hole that you let out of traffic, wave to, only to not get a wave back?

    Or the baby on board sticker telling me to drive safely? As though I was planning to drive like a maniac before I saw that reminding sticker.

    It makes me want to impale them with my front bumper.

    The Magical Mankini

  16. One of my grandfathers drives only Buicks. The other has a minivan but he wears one of those damn WWII hats all the time. Plus he says it double yoo double yoo two (which does not save any syllables so is totally pointless). The hat one is definitely more annoying.

    Besides, the Buick is pretty nice for an old man car.

    Heidi Renée’s last blog post: So happy.

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