The Sausage Festival

Oh what a time Crissy had on Saturday morning when she went with Mister and Girlfriend to run some Taco’s room construction errands.

We went to a store called Harbor Freight which Mister calls “The Most Wonderful Place on Earth” and it is a store where they sell tools. Really, really cheap but nice tools.

Or something.

Crissy thinks this is The Most Wonderful Place on Earth.

But whatever. Mister is entitled to his opinion until Crissy manages to convince him that all his opinions are stupid. It’s hard because Mister is an arrogant prick a stubborn man.

And when we pulled up, the parking lot was full of Manly Trucks all ready for a day of Manly Things. And groups of men with raging hard-ons were exiting the store giggling like little girls which is something you never see unless it’s around 2 am outside the nudie bar. Except no one was throwing up on his shoes and wondering where all his money went. And they were all pushing carriages full of Manly Tool Things. They would have been jumping up and down and clapping their hands and squealing but remember Queefs these are Men Who Are Good With Tools and so they cannot make such displays for fear people would think they have a touch of The Gay in them and so they just touched each other’s bums a lot and gave a few snaps in a circle instead.



And then we got into the store.

Crissy doesn’t know if it’s her pregnant sense of smell or something but as soon as the doors opened she could tell that there was nary a fellow in the place who had touched toothbrush or soap that morning (Mister included, btw). And the place was just the biggest Sausage Festival Crissy had ever seen and she was surprised they didn’t have a bouncer at the door checking for penises before people could go in.

“You’re good.”

“Dude! Come on in!”

“Nice sack, man.”

And then when a lady comes to the door it’s all

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. WHOA. Pardon me, but you look like you might have a vagina. You’re going to have to either leave it in the car or wait outside ma’am. Those are the rules.”

And maybe there was a bouncer and he was just taking a leak or having a sandwich or something and Crissy somehow slipped through the checkpoint because looking through aisle after aisle with labels on them like Hydrolics, , Rams and Wedges, Wheelgoods, Stuff for Breaking Stuff, and Stuff for Fixing Stuff You Broke, Crissy saw nothing but Men Getting Ready to Do Man Things with Tools. She thought she saw another lady but it was just a dude with long hair and so the only other females there were girl children no doubt sent to the store with daddy to give mommy a moment’s fucking peace for christ sake.

It was so crazy that even Mister noticed it and wished he had a video camera because you just don’t see so many men in such total and utter ecstasy unless somebody is donning a crusty thong and shaking her skanky ass in his face.

Except for sporting events perhaps but Crissy and Mister do not go to those and so really Crissy wouldn’t know anything about the Garden of Manly Bliss that may be there.

And Mister was all giddy over some sanding sponges and a box of things called Brads. Crissy doesn’t know what that is but Brads are very heavy. And Girlfriend and Crissy each got Chenille car wash sponges– a very pretty lime green one for Crissy, and a lovely cornflower blue one for Girlfriend.

By the end of the trip, Crissy did find another lady in the store.

It was the same sex oriented cashier who clearly had to strap one on to be admitted to the building.

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  1. Obviously you were let in as you were proof that not only is your man MANLY…but he has spawned and can prove it!

  2. “Except no one was throwing up on his shoes and wondering where all his money went.”

    The throwing up thing probably not. Fact is though, we could blow our wad faster at a hardware store than at any strip club.

    Matt’s last blog post: We all have fears

  3. I’m surprised we didn’t see you over the weekend. We went to the same place. Only Sweets and I went separate ways once we got inside. When we met up again, I had pretty paint chips and he had a manly man stud finder. Go figure.

    SoMi’s Nilsa’s last blog post: Saint

  4. if a man knows hes gonna be doin work, why shower!?!

    need to conserve water!

    on a related note, i used to know people would take showers before going to the gym….

  5. Ok…I did read your post…but you made me click on your favourite place and..what can I my defense..the bright colours of eyeshadow and the fact that I’m browsing for a tin of lipbalm (yes, I want it to come in a the can nivea had, but smaller, way smaller) is keeping me busy…

    Thrice’s last blog post: STUPID HEART OF MINE

  6. Oh! I used to LOVE going to Manly Tool Stores! I’d get candy and sit in the lawn and garden section on the pretty outdoor furniture and watch people. Where any good woman in the Manly Tool Store belongs.

    Or so he told me.

    k8’s last blog post: Heard Along the Way

  7. Sometimes I think guys accidentally on purpose break stuff so they can go to the Manly Tool Store to get stuff to fix the stuff they broke. I think they have to visit a certain number of times a year or their membership card for Club Manly starts to glow chartreuse or something (alerting other men to their diminishing Manlyness).

    Back when Mr. POSSLQ bought his grill, he was looking at a grill light. I scoffed. I’ve since come to realize I’ve missed out on yummy meals from the grill because you apparently can’t grill in the dark and if ONLY Mr. POSSLQ had a grill light, he could see to cook for me… (He won’t let me buy one now… I guess it’s some sort of punishment for my scoffing at the Manlyness).

    MsDarkstar’s last blog post: Manic Monday

  8. Porn shops are always full of mostly men, too. I like those places much better than the hardware places, and I also know how to use the tools porn shops sell. But I had too look up “brads.” It’s some kind of pneumatic hammer or nail gun or stapler or something. I also discovered that brads have something to do with scrapbooking, which does not seem manly at all.

    @Matt: “Fact is though, we could blow our wad faster at a hardware store than at any strip club.” Huh? I could blow my wad much faster at a strip club. Wait. By “wad,” do you mean the same thing I do?

    stoogepie’s last blog post: Great Stories of the Bible 2

  9. I went to a chain Manly Tool store this weekend and again yesterday. Why is it when you want to be left alone in those places, they bombard you, but when you’re desperate for help no one is around? UGH.

  10. I went to Home Depot once by myself and I swear people were staring at me like I was an alien.

    “She shouldn’t be here! She must have come into the wrong store! Evil, devil woman in a man’s store!”

    I always make sure to go w/ the hubs now b/c a woman can only take so much gawking at her. Unless it’s b/c they think I’m hot. Then they can stare all they want. But I’m pretty sure they were just confused as to why a single woman would step foot into that much condensed testosterone.

    Kellie’s last blog post: Rectum? Damn Near Killed Em!

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  12. Hey….Dingo….does Vince from the Shamwow commercial sort of get on your nerves? He does mine.

    Also, you know how I have issues with stuff being in vessels in which it doesn’t belong? The towel sopping up what looks like milk is enough to send me over the edge. OVER THE EDGE.

    Sorry, Crissy, for talking to Dingo on YOUR blog.

    I think brads are hail thingys that are meant to hold things up…….sort of like an expanding nail.

    Stoogie, yes, they ARE used in Scrapbooking. Are you suggesing I’m not manly? HUH??

    Crissy, you probably did get the hardware store guys going…..I mean……a beautiful WOMAN that they can’t get PREGNANT!! What a dude fantasy!!

    Shelly’s last blog post: So, MAYBE, I accosted the grocery store manager.

  13. Being a man who owns and can actually operate effectively a large number of tools, as well as a man who drools over the Harbor Freight circular when it shows up in the mail, I have to clarify something. Harbor Freight is like the dollar store equivalent of Sears. They sell a lot of inexpensive and poorly made crap, probably at least 90% of it is crap. Not that a piece of crap isn’t useful at times. Sometimes spending a lot less on a piece of crap tool that you’ll only use once or every once in a great while is a smart thing to do. Then there’s also the remaining 10% of the tools they sell, which can be divided into overpriced tools/goods, overpriced crap and lastly, decent tools/goods. Most of the time I have 10-15 things I intend to buy at Harbor Freight but upon closer inspection, I’ll leave with anywhere from 2 to none of those items, again due to the very high crap/quality ratio of their product selection. So buyer beware, if you’re not a tool savvy man, or woman for that matter, then you’d be smart to enlist a fellow friend who is to join you on your shopping trip to Harbor Freight.

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