You know what Queefs?
Being pregnant makes you retarded and klutzy.
And The Royal Queefs sayeth “Why whatever do you mean Crissy? You seem as lovely and smart as ever. We’re confused.”
And so Crissy will tell you.
- She put the milk in the cupboard and the cereal in the fridge.
- She makes at least three trips per day to rummage through the trash can because if she has two things in her hands, one being trash and one being something she wants to put away, she will inevitably throw away the put away thing and keep the trash.
- She does not know the difference between two, to, and too and your and you’re and she’s getting a little shaky on there their and they’re now two. (SEE?)
- ,Forget, about commas and their proper, usage.,
- Splelling mystakes leftt and ryght.
- There are approximately 15 glasses of water in various locations throughout the house because Crissy cannot remember where she puts them.
- Today is Tuesday, right?
Crissy drove to Girlfriend’s school. Too bad Girlfriend wasn’t in the car. It was not a school day.
- Crissy goes into the store for a card for her brother’s birthday and comes out with fancy shampoo, a Winnie the Pooh toothbrush, Mr. Bubble, a digital thermometer, a diet lemon Snapple, a book of stamps, and NO BIRTHDAY CARD.
- She got into the shower, stood there, got out, dried off, lotioned, and remembered she didn’t wash herself.
- Carried dirty laundry back up two flights of stairs and started to fold it until she got to Mister’s sock balls and then “oooooohhhhh…fuck me.”
And she’s not just stupid she’s weak and clumsy too because when you’re pregnant your joints soften and spread out to make room for the growing crotchfruit and so you have less control of your body.
- All of a sudden Crissy cannot eat without her supper winding up on Mister’s her shirt as well as in a blast radius around her dish because sometimes she misses her mouth. St. Bernards are neater and more lady-like at dinner.
- She drops EVERYTHING.
- She knocks things over including Girlfriend when she bumps into her with her enormous belly because the thing just has a mind of it’s own. Girlfriend loves this. There she is just toodling along, minding her own business, when WHAP!!!! She’s taken a blow to the head and she’s down.
- Crissy walks straight into doors and walls with zero power to stop forward motion even though she knows a crash is imminent. Powerless!
- And she can do a work out that would make a grown man weep but she cannot walk up a flight of stairs without getting to the top dead.
It’s a darn good thing this is almost over because if Crissy gets any worse she’ll be too stupid to live and she won’t be able to breathe anymore and that would be a waste of a perfectly good Queen.
And people keep giving her food presents. On Monday her evil boss gave her a box of Girl Scout Peanut Butter Patties. And yesterday her friend Celina got her one half gallon of Birthday Cake ice cream because she knows Crissy likes that kind.
WHAT ARE PEOPLE TRYING TO DO TO CRISSY???
It’s not that Crissy doesn’t appreciate these sweet gestures, because who doesn’t love presents, but must it always be food?
And then Kendra, sweet, wonderful Kendra who is so very pretty
stopped by Crissy’s place and brought her this for a present:
and it’s about the best thing ever so thank you Kendra!!!
It is now in heavy competition with this
as Crissy’s most favoritest cup ever.