The Amazing, The Astounding, DOWNSYWEEBLE!!!!

You know what Queefs?

Being pregnant makes you retarded and klutzy.

And The Royal Queefs sayeth “Why whatever do you mean Crissy? You seem as lovely and smart as ever. We’re confused.”

And so Crissy will tell you.

  • She put the milk in the cupboard and the cereal in the fridge.
  • She makes at least three trips per day to rummage through the trash can because if she has two things in her hands, one being trash and one being something she wants to put away, she will inevitably throw away the put away thing and keep the trash.
  • She does not know the difference between two, to, and too and your and you’re and she’s getting a little shaky on there their and they’re now two. (SEE?)
  • ,Forget, about commas and their proper, usage.,
  • Splelling mystakes leftt and ryght.
  • There are approximately 15 glasses of water in various locations throughout the house because Crissy cannot remember where she puts them.
  • Today is Tuesday, right?
    Crissy drove to Girlfriend’s school. Too bad Girlfriend wasn’t in the car. It was not a school day.
  • Crissy goes into the store for a card for her brother’s birthday and comes out with fancy shampoo, a Winnie the Pooh toothbrush, Mr. Bubble, a digital thermometer, a diet lemon Snapple, a book of stamps, and NO BIRTHDAY CARD.
  • She got into the shower, stood there, got out, dried off, lotioned, and remembered she didn’t wash herself.
  • Carried dirty laundry back up two flights of stairs and started to fold it until she got to Mister’s sock balls and then “oooooohhhhh…fuck me.”

And she’s not just stupid she’s weak and clumsy too because when you’re pregnant your joints soften and spread out to make room for the growing crotchfruit and so you have less control of your body.

  • All of a sudden Crissy cannot eat without her supper winding up on Mister’s her shirt as well as in a blast radius around her dish because sometimes she misses her mouth. St. Bernards are neater and more lady-like at dinner.
  • She drops EVERYTHING.
  • She knocks things over including Girlfriend when she bumps into her with her enormous belly because the thing just has a mind of it’s own. Girlfriend loves this. There she is just toodling along, minding her own business, when WHAP!!!! She’s taken a blow to the head and she’s down.
  • Crissy walks straight into doors and walls with zero power to stop forward motion even though she knows a crash is imminent. Powerless!
  • And she can do a work out that would make a grown man weep but she cannot walk up a flight of stairs without getting to the top dead.

It’s a darn good thing this is almost over because if Crissy gets any worse she’ll be too stupid to live and she won’t be able to breathe anymore and that would be a waste of a perfectly good Queen.

And people keep giving her food presents. On Monday her evil boss gave her a box of Girl Scout Peanut Butter Patties. And yesterday her friend Celina got her one half gallon of Birthday Cake ice cream because she knows Crissy likes that kind.


It’s not that Crissy doesn’t appreciate these sweet gestures, because who doesn’t love presents, but must it always be food?

And then Kendra, sweet, wonderful Kendra who is so very pretty


stopped by Crissy’s place and brought her this for a present:

and it’s about the best thing ever so thank you Kendra!!!

It is now in heavy competition with this


as Crissy’s most favoritest cup ever.

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  1. it’ll get better in two months and twenty-two days.

    well, maybe not necessarily “better,” but certainly some stuff is gonna change.

    ps. google ads:

    artery cleaning secret
    feet pictures
    fly rod outfit
    phonetic flash cards

    you have obviously stumped the enormous computing power of google’s collective hive-mind with your blog!

  2. Yesterday I thought I missed being pregnant and gave a thought to having demonspawn #2

    Thanks for posting this. I now know what a dumb idea that could have been.

  3. Pimp- We’ve been down this road before. We’ll trade all this for profound sleep deprivation and bleeding nipples. It just get funnier and funnier every day!

    Leah- Next time you’re in Newport I don’t care what we have going on that day. I’m coming just to slap you for even thinking about it right now. At least wait until Lilly can wipe her own ass!

  4. I bet you’re Alice’s best friend during meal times. Growing up, our dogs quickly learned to stand near the toddler during meal times since so much ended up on the floor. Alice gets to have that fun with you now 🙂

    And it’ll get better – just think of the torture you’ll be able to inflict on Taco when he’s a teenager and you get to read his new girlfriend your blog!

  5. I’m sorry you feel retarded a clumsy. I feel that way a lot and I don’t have the excuse of a giant parasite growing inside me. However, I am extremely glad you blog in the mornings because it is the best way to start my day. Ever. I wake up ten minutes early just to read it. =)

    Erin’s last blog post: Thanks for ruining my life Myspace.

  6. Initially, I thought the “growing crotchfruit” reference may actually be referring to the fact that you forgot to wash in the shower. I was wrong, apparently.

    I too am a forgetful, clumsy, stupid stupid person, and I’m nowhere near pregnant, so you should probably actually feel really good about yourself, because I have nowhere to go but down from here. And you? You will once again be the amazingly smart and graceful QOFE.

    Mary @ Holy Mackerel’s last blog post: Your Friday Night Partay No. 10!

  7. Wait, you have to be pregnant to do all those things? Oh fuck, I’ve got to get to a drugstore to get me the stick test. I do that shit all the time.

    SoMi’s Nilsa’s last blog post: Hope

  8. AWESOME cup from Kendra!

    I still think you are the perfect QOFE. I hope taco isn’t staying in much longer. He/she is disturbing Crissy’s inner peace. And balance.

    Marie’s last blog post: Snuggalicious

  9. Is it bad that most of the things on list #1 happen to me now and again even though I’m not pregnant? Hmm…I can only imagine what a mess I’ll be when I’m growing myself a little crotchfruit if I’m this absentminded already…

    Cal’s last blog post: "Embrace your grace"

  10. i think you should start yelling at / loudly blaming whatever you walk into or throw away, etc. it will give you the added bonus of appearing crazy on top of being clumsy, and who doesn’t enjoy scaring strangers?

    Alice’s last blog post: this weekend: SCAVENGING

  11. Memory loss, forgetfulness, cluelessness, clumsyness, awkwardness, ungracefulness…all worth it for the Taco. It will all be resolved…or maybe not. I never got over these little problems. Hope you do better than me.

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