so it’s me.
crissy’s pimp. aka ken.
i know i have my own blog, but all it’s got is a lot of pictures on it. the rest is tube amps and subarus. besides, having your own blog never stopped any of the other guest posters, now, did it?
i’m not entirely comfortable up here on the podium. my wife has big shoes to fill… i don’t know how she does it day after day–i can barely take a fucking picture every day. so first i have to tip my hat to her for that.
lately she’s been pregnant. very lately she’s been weeble-y, as in, remarkably round in the uterus region. it makes the standard “ring her bell” position (missionary) a bit like riding a see-saw. not that it matters, really, because she can only lie on her back for 30 seconds before her legs fall asleep.
let me tell you right now that if you’re looking for a coherent post today, fuck off and go somewhere else.
so yesterday my gorgeous little weeble asked me to give her a good Word Of The Week, since i am generally good for an obscure filthy word right off the top of my head. i started chewing my cud but then got distracted and totally forgot about it.
without further ado, i’d like to announce that the word of the week is “the shocker.”
now, some of you may be saying, “wtf? the shocker isn’t an obscure word?” and you might be right! hell, it’s even got its own wikipedia page which means its a word that’s reached an elevated level of status and ubiquity not commonly seen in slang.
i also think that crissy’s readers make up a varied slice of the demographic pie, and as a service to them i’m bringing in vocabulary that while not new to all, will nonetheless bring us together under an umbrella of common vulgarity. that IS the true power of the internet, after all.
so i first heard about the shocker in 1992. my roomate at the US Naval Academy, mike segura, and i had been hacking on the infantile internet, trying to score dates in rudimentary chatrooms. back then, if you wanted to see what the person you were talking to looked like, you had to exchange snail mail addresses, mail a fucking photograph, and wait a week. still, as a midshipman, this was pimpin’.
anyway, he struck it up with a girl from texas and had some good old-fashioned chatroom sex. things went to the next level, they exchanged pictures, and before long he was planning on flying out to see her over a weekend. this, i initially thought, was crazy, but there was the promise of pussy at the end of the rainbow, so it was worth a shot. he packed his bags and was off to find his destiny.
after his return, mike was pretty tight-lipped about his sexploits, but he did divulge that he had employed an “advanced tactical manouver,” and during the debriefing described what he later dubbed “the shocker.” (incidentally in his iteration, the thumb WAS left in the upright position to provide direct clitoral stimulation, which some people–jenna bush, for example–do not opt to do.) according to his testimony, the shocker precipitated the desired outcome and everyone left happy.
still, as the rest of us constantly pointed out, mike would have saved a lot of money if he had just gone into town and rented a hooker instead of flying halfway across the country chasing some tail.
1992 was even before the various “taglines” for the shocker were in use, the most common of which is:
Two in the pink, one in the stink.
some others of note (sourced from urban dictonary):
Crimson: 2, Brown: 1.
Two in the go, one in the no.
Two at Yale, one at Brown.
Two in the beav, with an ace up the sleeve.
Two in the blood, one in the mud.
Two in the bow, one in the stern.
Two in the Bush, one in the Cheney.
Two in the cat, one in the shat.
Two scoops of strawberry, one scoop of chocolate.
Two in the kitty, one in the shitty.
Two in the coin slot, one in the balloon knot.
Two in the creamer, one in the steamer.
Two in the curtains, one in the hurtin’s.
Two in the gap, one in the crap.
Two where you should, one where you could.
Two in the ham, one in the God Damn!
and last but not least, my personal fave:
Two in the grassy knoll, one in the assy hole.
so spread the word… flash the shocker to a coworker today, and see if they “get it.” you may have a new friend by the end of the day!
i was shocked at today’s Word of the Week!
very nice ken–i was asked to be on a softball team that wanted brown and pink uniforms for just these reasons.
seriously.
Jenna Bush lives pretty close to me in Baltimore, I wouldn’t Two in her Bush, one in the Cheney
Eric’s last blog post: A Brief Complaint
Bwahahahahaha! I LOVE two in the bush one in the cheney!!! Perfection.
Oh, Ken…
deutlich’s last blog post: Walk Away
Assy Hole is the most amazing pairing of words I have ever seen.
Narm’s last blog post: Ageless
As long as the grassy knoll isn’t too grassy, then it’s fine with me. I prefer a clean playing field.
Chris’s last blog post: sir chris
Now I am ready if I hear Dan saying any of those. Nope, nope, nope, you do not stick the finger in my God Damn, chocolate, balloon knot tying, brown mud covered, shatting Cheney.
no no no no no no no no no!!!!
Rachel M.’s last blog post: She’s one step closer to being famous
I think my favorite is “Two in the Bush, one in the Cheney.”
Marie’s last blog post: One of those nights…
I cant believe the shocker has its own wikipedia page.
This pretty much means it’s universally accepted now, right?
Matt’s last blog post: Sometimes it’s not worth the trouble
my favorite way to make new friends at a bar is to tell them about the one-upping of the shocker: the minivan.
what’s a minivan? they ask.
simple, i reply. it’s like the shocker, except it’s 2 in the front (hold up 2 fingers of one hand) and 5 in the back (hold up your other fist).
Alice’s last blog post: good things
You are yucky.
That is all.
But for some reason, I like it.
k8’s last blog post: Therapy Tuesday
you people can’t call yourself queefs if you can’t handle the shocker.
i almost made the post about felching, fer christ’s sake.
I like this word. A lot. Well played, Ken.
Now where’s my porn?
melissalion’s last blog post: Hmmmm
Shocky-shocker! I like the pink/stink reference…
Kelly’s last blog post: The Simian (Again)
Someone should have told Prez Bush that the ASU pitchfork looks a lot like the shocker.
I’d never heard it called that before.
What do you call it when the penis “accidentally” goes in the backdoor?
Rude?
Kiala’s last blog post: Something something Title something.
Felching is nasty too but personally,
the Cleveland steamer and Tahitian facemask are the two nastiest… just my opinion.
Matt’s last blog post: Sometimes it’s not worth the trouble
lol! thank you so much Mr. Crissy! I learnt something new and useful today!
Thrice’s last blog post: Happy birthday!
I’d heard the two in the pink, one in the stink, but not it’s official “Shocker” title. Glad to have my horizons broadened. But leave my back door alone. It’s okay as a tiny exit hole, thankyouverymuch.
Oh Matt. Oh, oh, oh. Yuck. No. I don’t like.
k8’s last blog post: Therapy Tuesday
What is funny about this post is that the hand signal you refer to is the cougar sign at the University of Houston.. and has been for a long time.
Frances’s last blog post: Hailie @ Sealy Park 3/10/09
Kiala – that move is called the “dolphin” because it sounds like this
ehuh…ehuh…ehuh
Oh my goodness, I had no idea about any of this! I know I’m a little older than the rest of you, but still? Maybe we need to do this more often, so I can stay up to date!
While I did know what the shocker was I did not know all the “taglines”. I love how educational this blog is becoming.
Megkathleen’s last blog post: Cuh-razy
I love throwing the shocker SO much.
I even have a real shocker story…my best friend in college had a guy give her the shocker while they were hooking up one random day. Who REALLY does that? HORRIBLE.
Maxie’s last blog post: You look lovely.
What is “shocking” to me is this thing called snail mail. Did people really do that?
Dingo’s last blog post: The Health Department Is Even Afraid Of This Place
Mom Blogs – Blogs for Moms…
…
the minivan.
i like that.
very much.
Lynne sent me this:
I love this post. More.
Next time, the Strawberry Shortcake or the Chili Dog, please.
stoogepie’s last blog post: Mister Shorts Number 8
stoogie: my wife plays a mean rusty trombone too… you should see her!
Kenneth! EW! I’m totally calling your mother and telling her you jerk off while wearing her sweater. AND I’m telling her you put things in your bum.
are you for real?
she would NEVER take your word over mine. see: golden boy status
I can see the whole sweater/rusty trombone thing making an awesome picture on Mister’s site. That’s just a hint. I would even buy a window plaque for that.
Crissy, all moms who have boys know that there is not a piece of clothing on the planet that has not been splashed with DNA at some time or another. That’s why Ken got the sweater last.
stoogepie’s last blog post: Mister Shorts Number 8
There is obviously a lot to know about tubes
Thank you for posting this =)