Stoogepie and Crissy Make Beautiful Comics Together

So Stoogie’s blog (when you’re done reading this go over and tell him he’s The Man and then give him a nice rimjob because that’s what he really likes take it from Crissy) and Crissy’s blog have been fucking each other for like a year now and so they thought it was high time they made a blog baby and so here it is. They even got a product placement deal!

See if you can spot it.

It’s super subtle...

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A flashlight, a spoon, and a can of Flarp.

As some of you Facebook Queefs already know, Crissy had a scary moment yesterday with Girlfriend.

No, she didn’t run into the street.

No, Crissy didn’t find her unconscious in the bathroom laying in a pile of Mister’s Special Treats.

And no, the police didn’t call looking for her. Again.

It was way worse you guys.

There Crissy was minding her own business and Girlfriend was somewhere in the house doing Jesus knows what when she came toodling past Crissy carrying a flashlight, a can of this stuff,

and a small plastic play kitchen spoon.

And Crissy asked her what she was doing and she’s all  “Don’t worry! It’s under control mama!”

huh.

“What is exactly is under control?”

….silence.

So Crissy decided she’d rather not know and what’s the worst thing that could happen? Flarp probably doesn’t taste good so she was probably not going to eat it or harm herself with it, so Crissy decided to just let it slide and check it out later.

Crissy found the flashlight abandoned on the stairs, but no sign of the Flarp and the spoon.

And the funny thing is that she did something similar on Wednesday night with a bowl of sauerkraut. She ate one bowl in front of Crissy and then said that Benny likes sauerkraut and Crissy was only half listening but all of a sudden Girlfriend was gone and came back minutes later with an empty bowl.

She couldn’t have eaten it all that fast, so where did it go?

And Crissy sees a teachable moment here for the Queefs.

Valuable Life Lesson for the Queefs: Do not give little kids sauerkraut. Crissy learned this the hard way yesterday when she had to help Girlfriend out with a little bit of a bummy issue involving the kraut. She won’t go into any details because you cannot handle it but let’s just say that sauerkraut is hard to digest when you’re small.

Anyway, as far as Crissy can tell, she must have been using the flashlight to find the cat in his dark hiding spots and then try to feed him some Flarp.

And this is all just a theory because Crissy has no proof  but as far as she can figure, given the evidence, it seems that poor old Big Pussy was the target of this particular escapade.

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And Crissy still hasn’t found the sauerkraut, the Flarp, or the spoon.

Big Pussy appears to be unharmed thus far.

This post is pretty much a piece of crap.

It’s been on the news a lot around here and Crissy isn’t sure why it’s particularly newsworthy but whatever. 99% of what’s on the news is total mind-numbing crap that keeps people blind to the REAL things going on in the world so why is Crissy surprised?

Don’t know.

Anyway, apparently, some people were fighting over some dog shit in a yard and it got a little ugly and a baseball bat was waved around and some dude got arrested.  You can read about it here if you want the details.

Crissy’s only mentioning it because she understands why people were fighting over dog shit because she has a problem with dog shit too.

Who doesn’t?

And it makes Crissy violent and she wants to just go over to the neighbor’s house, drag them out, bring them over to her yard and smoosh their fucking faces in the shit. And sadly, this is not the same neighbor who is pulling the Zoning Board Shenanigans.

(btw, Numbnuts waved to Mister yesterday and Mister grunted at him and did not wave back. HA!)

Crissy lives in an idiot colony.

Valuable Life Lesson for the Queefs: When you go to buy a house, interview the neighbors. If they’re assholes, don’t buy the house.

Crissy didn’t know that, but now you do.

You’re welcome.

Some of you Queefs may remember something about how Crissy feels about the dog shit.

Does the name Tequila ring a bell?

Well she’s at it again and what Crissy did about the problem last year has become routine now but with a little less dancing and there’s nothing new to report except that these people may be foreclosed on at the end of the month and that makes Crissy both sad and happy at the same time.

She’s sad because it means that Mister and Kendra won’t have a convenient source from which to purchase  Special Treats anymore and that means if Mister can’t find any he’ll be a giant cranky pants and drive Crissy up a wall–even more than he usually does and that is saying something.  You don’t want to see Mister without his Special Treats. Crissy doesn’t know about Kendra without her Special Treats but she’s probably not very happy either.  Also, these particular neighbors are in no position to ever judge anything Crissy does and that’s a nice feeling.

Being superior to people always feels nice, doesn’t it?

But it makes Crissy happy because maybe if they just go away she won’t have to deal with the fucking dog shit and the teenage boy revving his dirtbike in the driveway all fucking day all spring, summer and fall. These people come with a myriad of other bullshit that Crissy won’t go into right now, but just know that  they’re always coming over to Crissy’s to apologize for something but the thing is that they don’t stop doing it!

What is worse Queefs? 

Knowing you’re a dick, apologizing for it but never stopping OR being a dick and not knowing it?

Today, we’re in the melon business.

Last night Crissy was looking through a maternity magazine her mother-in-law no doubt swiped for her from a doctor’s office or a drug store somewhere because she’s funny like that. She drives around in an $80,000 Mercedes, but shoves fistfuls of ketchup and sugar packets into her Prada purse and if there’s a sign that says “Free! Take one!” she takes them all. And sometimes even when it doesn’t say “Free! Take one!” she still takes it. Ask Mister to tell you about the toothbrush incident. It’s cute. We like Marcy.

Anyway, this post is not about Marcy.

It’s about horrifying maternity stuff in the purloined magazine that made Crissy and Mister laugh right out loud.

When you watch this first video you’re going to expect Tina Fey to jump out any second but she never does and it might make you cry a little bit because they’re dead serious about this product and that is what is truly horrifying:

It’s the Kush Support and it’s for people with a C cup or larger who are apparently suffering from lack of sleep because their boobs are flopping all over the place and Crissy would make a joke about it but the product itself is joke enough she thinks and also she’ll leave space for either Mister or Stoogie or both to make some sort of joke about putting his dick there instead.

Anyway, it’s right up there with the


… if you ask Crissy.

And let Crissy ask you Queefs something.

Have you ever been so frustrated you could just cry from fumbling with your breast pump whilst simultaneously trying to schedule appointments over the phone?

Well you never need fumble again!!!

It’s the Easy Expression Bustier !!!

And don’t worry. The pump is totally silent so the person on the other end of the phone will never hear your pump just a WooooPssshhhWooooPsssshhhing away in the background while you milk yourself.

Jesus.

But while those products may be silly and horrifying, Crissy is dead serious about these little jobbies:

They’re for the nursing mommy who likes to par-tay.

And Crissy thinks it’s just wonderful because you know the second Taco pops out the drinkies will be flowing once again and since the alcohol content in boobie juice matches blood alcohol it’s probably wise for Crissy to abstain from the drink but fuck that. It’s going to be summertime and the livin’s EZ! And it’s not like Crissy has a problem with giving alcohol to children per se because it’s very European and Crissy is so inter-continental like that, but here in Americaland it apparently does something to their little brains and gives them The Retardation or some such thing and until Obama grants women the right to be an alcoholic and a dairy cow,  she won’t give Taco the Martoonis.  For now though, Crissy doesn’t have to pump and dump or pump and watch Mister drink it down because he didn’t want to waste it like she did so many times with Girlfriend.

There is a God Queefs and she decided Crissy needed a melon juice sobriety test kit and that’s a good thing.

As nasty as she wants to be

There’s something about Crissy’s house that she’s never mentioned before but she’s going to now because the irony of it is just so…

so…

ironic.

It’s going to make all the Queefs say “WHAT???” and then “Oh HELL NO!!!”

While the Historical Society Assclowns are busting the Crissy’s balls about what they’re allowed to do (well, not anymore since the Crissys plan to go ahead and do whateverthefucktheyplease because that’s how they’re going to roll from now on) with the house, the Numbnuts across the street is pulling his own bunch of bullshit.

You see Queefs, Numbnuts owns a big old ugly characterless vinyl sided tenement house that he inherited from his grandpa. It’s got like, Crissy doesn’t know, 5 apartments in it or something? And it has a bunch of land behind it. The Crissys almost didn’t buy their house because they weren’t sure they wanted to look at this ugly motherfucking tenement all the time, but they decided to just not look at it and that was fine.

AND THEN!!!

A couple of months after the Crissys moved in, they get a notice that Numbnuts wants to build a duplex on his land behind the ugly house and pave over whatever grassyness he has on the front and side to make a parking lot for his existing tenants.

WHAT?

THE?

FUCKING?

FUCK?

And the whole neighborhood signed a petition to stop him because this is not that kind of a neighborhood. It’s full of beautiful antique houses and it’s got a nice mix of styles from Ranch to Colonial to Cape, even a cute little Tudor cottage here and there, and then the Crissy’s rare and far more beautific Craftsman style one, and Numbnuts’s house is already an eyesore and a misfit.

So everyone is pissed off at him and everyone shows up for a neighborhood meeting and then members of the Zoning Board came to see what they were deciding on and the whole neighborhood went to the zoning meeting and it was determined that his planned monstrosity would destroy “the essential character of the neighborhood” and that his existing house is already doing that but we’ll just let that slide.

So the zoning board, in their wisdom, said “nofuckingway, Numbnuts” and everyone was happy.

Except Numbnuts, obviously.

So he bought another house on the same street and everyone was relieved that he had given up. In fact the house he bought was foreclosed and really looked like crap so things were actually looking like they would improve.

UNTIL!!!!

The Crissys and all the neighbors got a certified letter informing us that Numbnuts and his Dickweed lawyer are suing the Zoning Board for their decision.

Now everyone hates him with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns.

That’s like, a lot and a lot in case any of you Queefs don’t know anything about astrology or astronomy or whatever.

And Crissy wants very much to do something to him and fix his wagon but she needs help from the Queefs to come up with a Very Good Plan and it has to be something Very Special because Numbnuts is a Very Special kind of asshole.

There’s always this option:

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Yes, that’s right. She whipped that one out AGAIN!!

Because she can.

And Crissy has already drawn up some schematics for how she’ll rig up the penis vanilla ice cream dispenser for the neighborhood children, especially Numbnuts’s children. She’d show you but it’s very complicated and only something a Queen can understand.

Numbnuts is a devout Catholic and so Crissy also thought about painting some abortion scenes complete with smiling bloody fetuses wearing thorny crowns and holding upside down crosses and maybe a little sodomy scene here and there on her front fence for his viewing pleasure.

Also, Crissy will stop making Mister wear pants to mow the lawn for the sole benefit of Numbnuts’s pre-teen daughter.

But what else you guys?

Any formal suggestions from the Queefs should be submitted on the form below:

Crissy’s Head is on Fire. Again.

Morning Queefs!

You know what made Crissy call her mom on Saturday morning, sobbing into the phone and repeatedly saying “serenity now! serenity now!” to the point where she decided to cancel her busy plans masturbating to Barry Manilow to come over and help Crissy so she didn’t have a total mental breakdown?

Taco’s room.

And that’s because pregnant ladies get this thing called nesting and it’s when you have this urge to get ready for the baby by gathering all the shit you need and getting all the little diapers and onesies and crap ready to roll.

By her fifth month of pregnancy she had Girlfriend’s room all ready already and it did not suprise her midwife at all who said “you’re such the type” with a big eye roll as if preparedness is a bad thing.

Sheesh. 

And it’s a damn good thing Crissy was so ready because Girlfriend came two weeks early. 

See?  Crissy does things ahead of schedule.

And it’s not like that this time and Crissy has been waking up with nightmares of Taco sleeping in the laundry basket because right now the room looks like this:

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Okay. That was last weekend but it looks the same except that Mister has taken the carpet out.

Crissy can’t very well get things ready now can she?

This is particularly difficult for Crissy because she always has a plan, or a list, or an itinerary. If Crissy is not early, then she’s late, which is actually on time. Crissy never lets her car get below 1/4 tank and if it does, Crissy will wake up at 3 am to worry about when and where she’s going to get gas for the car before she and Girlfriend are stranded on the road and will have to pee in the woods and hitchhike to the nearest gas station and probably they’ll be abducted by a homicidal trucker rapist who’s too hopped up on crank and truck sodas to just go and abuse some hooker at a rest area like all normal truck drivers. If there is an assignment or a deadline, Crissy gets to work immediately and never, never waits until the last minute to do things.

Never.

Some people might call this anal but Crissy calls it smart because who the hell likes to be in a panic to get stuff done at the last possible second?

Crissy will tell you who.

It’s Mister.

He waits until the last second all the time and that drives Crissy absofuckinglutelyoutofhermind.

And get this– sometimes the last second passes and he’s still done nothing!!!!

This is unbelievable to Crissy.

And you should see us when we have to go somewhere.  We would always be late if it weren’t for Crissy standing at the door with her coat on, jumping up and down and yelling “COME THE FUCK ON!!!”

And this tragic character flaw isn’t even really his fault because his whole family does it.

He doesn’t really know any better.  It’s like the same way that a child raised by wolves doesn’t know better than to take a dump in the middle of the living room.

Thank Jesus Crissy broke Mister of that habit!

If you tell his mother that “dinner is at 6:00,” that’s the time when she starts thinking about getting ready to make whatever it is she was supposed to bring. And that makes inter-family gatherings rawther interesting indeed as Crissy comes from a long line of preparers and her family is there 15 minutes early at least and Mister’s family waltzes in an hour later after Crissy’s family has been pacing around like hungry tigers.

Do you see what Crissy is forced to put up with?

Crissy is late for her workout now because of all the complaining she had to do this morning and in this particular instance “late” does not mean “on time” but really, really fucking late which means she won’t be in the shower by 8:00 to be on the road to drop Girlfriend off at school and possibly flip off some pajamaed cunt in an Escalade by 8:50 and arrive at work by 9:00.

As you can plainly see, Crissy’s suffering is unimaginable and her stress level is through the roof and if those little pussy whiners in the Sudan or Darfur or the Special Olympians or whatever think they have it rough, they need to come and live with Crissy for a while.

Seriously.

Crissy is posting in the middle of the afternoon? This is MADNESS!!!

OMG Queefs.

Crissy wasn’t going to post today because it’s one of those days when she feels quiet.

Yes, it happens sometimes.

Shut up.

And she just didn’t have much to say to anybody and so was going to take the day off and then something funny happened and she thought she’d tell you because she doesn’t have any real friends to call.

Isn’t that lucky for the Queefs though?

Sure it is.

So anyways, Crissy and Girlfriend are at the Stop & Shop doing their groceries when Crissy goes to the deli counter and guess who is there?

VINNY!!!

Yes! He was!

Squeeeeeee!!!!

And he sliced Crissy’s cheese for her and asked if she liked his thickness and…

huhuhuhuhuhuuuuuu…Crissy bets it’s thick, baby…

What?

Where are we?

Oh yes, thickness and that’s when Girlfriend noticed that Vinny has a teeny tiny earring and loudly said to him, “why do you have that earring? Only women wear earrings. YOU LOOK LIKE A WOMAN!!!! Hahahahahahaha! Silly Cheese Man.”

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Vinny did not know what to say and so just smiled this dumb smile and sort of looked at Crissy to be rescued but she didn’t do it and you Queefs would have been proud because she was cold as ice and Crissy and Girlfriend just walked off with their cheese and a hair toss and enjoyed a hearty chuckle at Vinny’s expense.

That ought to teach Vinny to toy with Crissy so.

He got owned by a three year old.

Maybe next time he’ll show a little more respect to the QOFE and POFE (That’s Princess of Fucking Everything in case you didn’t know. She’s earned it.).

PS: This will probably drive Vinny wild with desire for Crissy now, right?

Project Runway

Some of you Queefs don’t care about pictures of Girlfriend because you’re young and drunk and everything but Crissy knows that most of you do and so here.

You’re going to look at some pictures of her and you’re going to fucking love the shit out of it because she’s what Crissy feels like talking about today and if Crissy feels like talking about it by golly she’s going to because this is Crissy’s Page.

CRISSY’S

PAGE!!!

So suck it.

Girlfriend has been dressing herself lately and Crissy lets her because

A: Crissy is tired and it’s just not worth the trouble to stop her so if it’s appropriate for the weather, Girlfriend is good to go.

B: Girlfriend’s get-ups are Short Bus Chic (she totally gets that from her father) and Crissy thinks she has a future designing either for People with The Retardation or People With Way Too Much Fucking Money.

See this?

Totally something Girlfriend would put together.

So who is Crissy to stop genius at work?

She’s nobody.

First up is this lovely ensemble which you’ll notice is almost identical to the one pictured above but Crissy can assure you it is an original creation by Girlfriend. It was designed to help daddy with the baby’s room.

Crissy took this picture and then Mister posted it on HIS blog. AS. IF. DUDE.

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But Crissy will fix his wagon, don’t you worry your pretty little Queef heads about that.

Crissy has the punani and therefore, the power.

There will be no more picture stealing going on up in here.

A little flower child action

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If only Janis Joplin had thought to wear tap shoes, who knows how it would have changed the course of her life?

Here’s the special outfit she chose for blowing bubbles out in the yard.

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The hat was really cute with it, but Mister made her use the picture without the hat in it even though Crissy said she wanted the picture with the fucking hat in it because the picture is about the ensemble and not about art.

He’s been causing trouble Queefs. Can you tell?

He’s a big pain in Crissy’s ass with the pictures all the time.

And of course Girlfriend does not limit her designs to just herself. Crissy caught her putting lipstick on the dog the other day (Crissy’s most favorite Clinique Black Honey thankyouverymuch. Sorry Rachel. Crissy loves the Black Honey.) and also Mister caught her giving her a hair cut. Both times the explanation was that she was “getting Alice ready for a dog show.”

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If you ask Crissy, Girlfriend is lucky Alice lets her keep her face.

She kind of does need a haircut though…

And Girlfriend is such a threat to designers like old Mr. Valentino that he was forced to retire and then go cry in a bag of pug chow.

Another Crissyspage Brilliant Idea.

You know what makes Crissy so mad you guys?

People who walk right through a door you’ve held for them and don’t bother to acknowledge you and say “thank you ” thereby forcing you to shout “YOU’RE WELCOME YOUR HIGHNESS ” at them?

People who use the last shred of toilet paper and don’t bother to replace it?

Forever 21′s bullshit return policy?

Yes, but that’s not all.

What makes Crissy really, really mad are old people who drive.

They suck.

Totally.

And Crissy isn’t saying that old people shouldn’t be allowed to drive. Her Papa is 93 and he drives like the wind and Crissy thinks that’s just dandy. He’d be devastated if he couldn’t drive anymore and Crissy understands and sympathizes with that, she really does. She also understands what a bummer it would be for both herself and Papa if she had to drive him around to do his groceries and go to the foot doctor and stuff.

And that is why Crissy is going to call Obama with her new idea since he’s trying to do all this work on the infrastructure and everything and Crissy thinks that while all the constructing is happening they should build a separate lane for the old people to drive in so that normal people, people who drive at the perfect speed and always use their directionals, don’t have to share a road with the cotton heads.

Crissy shouldn’t have to be forced to endure Grandpa in his Buick/Mercury/Cadillac with all the POW and USA and WWII and Proud to be an American Veteran trucker caps proudly displayed on the back deck right there next to the spare tissues so that he cannot tell if there is anyone behind him as he drives along at 15 miles per hour for miles and miles forcing Crissy to cross the double yellows and shout “KICK IT IN THE PANTS GRANDPA!!! THE HORSELESS CARRIAGES GO FAST!!! and risk a ticket because seriously? Crissy is too busy and important for this jackassery.

And Crissy thinks this lane should also be reserved for drunks, teenagers, moms in SUVs and Minivans who must be driving while breastfeeding or organizing their Target lists or something, assholes on the phone, and perhaps the worst drivers out there, the uninsured poor and the Dirty Foreign People who cannot read English street signs and so Mister has to shout things out of the windows at them like “andale senor!” and other sorts of foreign language things like that.

Some of you may think Crissy is kidding but you will thank her when you’re just driving along without aggravation. Unless you’re an Asshole on the phone and then you’ll be stuck behind Grandpa and then you’ll finally know how it feels to be Crissy and that will be sweet.

HA!

The Sausage Festival

Oh what a time Crissy had on Saturday morning when she went with Mister and Girlfriend to run some Taco’s room construction errands.

We went to a store called Harbor Freight which Mister calls “The Most Wonderful Place on Earth” and it is a store where they sell tools. Really, really cheap but nice tools.

Or something.

Crissy thinks this is The Most Wonderful Place on Earth.

But whatever. Mister is entitled to his opinion until Crissy manages to convince him that all his opinions are stupid. It’s hard because Mister is an arrogant prick a stubborn man.

And when we pulled up, the parking lot was full of Manly Trucks all ready for a day of Manly Things. And groups of men with raging hard-ons were exiting the store giggling like little girls which is something you never see unless it’s around 2 am outside the nudie bar. Except no one was throwing up on his shoes and wondering where all his money went. And they were all pushing carriages full of Manly Tool Things. They would have been jumping up and down and clapping their hands and squealing but remember Queefs these are Men Who Are Good With Tools and so they cannot make such displays for fear people would think they have a touch of The Gay in them and so they just touched each other’s bums a lot and gave a few snaps in a circle instead.

Oh…

Wait.

And then we got into the store.

Crissy doesn’t know if it’s her pregnant sense of smell or something but as soon as the doors opened she could tell that there was nary a fellow in the place who had touched toothbrush or soap that morning (Mister included, btw). And the place was just the biggest Sausage Festival Crissy had ever seen and she was surprised they didn’t have a bouncer at the door checking for penises before people could go in.

“You’re good.”

“Dude! Come on in!”

“Nice sack, man.”

And then when a lady comes to the door it’s all

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. WHOA. Pardon me, but you look like you might have a vagina. You’re going to have to either leave it in the car or wait outside ma’am. Those are the rules.”

And maybe there was a bouncer and he was just taking a leak or having a sandwich or something and Crissy somehow slipped through the checkpoint because looking through aisle after aisle with labels on them like Hydrolics, , Rams and Wedges, Wheelgoods, Stuff for Breaking Stuff, and Stuff for Fixing Stuff You Broke, Crissy saw nothing but Men Getting Ready to Do Man Things with Tools. She thought she saw another lady but it was just a dude with long hair and so the only other females there were girl children no doubt sent to the store with daddy to give mommy a moment’s fucking peace for christ sake.

It was so crazy that even Mister noticed it and wished he had a video camera because you just don’t see so many men in such total and utter ecstasy unless somebody is donning a crusty thong and shaking her skanky ass in his face.

Except for sporting events perhaps but Crissy and Mister do not go to those and so really Crissy wouldn’t know anything about the Garden of Manly Bliss that may be there.

And Mister was all giddy over some sanding sponges and a box of things called Brads. Crissy doesn’t know what that is but Brads are very heavy. And Girlfriend and Crissy each got Chenille car wash sponges– a very pretty lime green one for Crissy, and a lovely cornflower blue one for Girlfriend.

By the end of the trip, Crissy did find another lady in the store.

It was the same sex oriented cashier who clearly had to strap one on to be admitted to the building.