Month: February 2009
On Friday Crissy went with her friend Erin to bring Girlfriend and Erin’s daughter Mackenzie to play at Chuck E. Cheese whilst Crissy and Erin who is also preggers prepared to throw down over the last piece of pizza enjoyed one another’s company. And there we were, gossiping about people at work minding our own business when a little girl who looked to be about 6 years old came up to Erin and said “can I have some money?” Thinking that the girl was just confused about where her mother was sitting, Erin just looked at her and shoved another slice of pizza into her mouth the way only a pregnant lady can.
And then she looked at Crissy and was like “that was weird.”
But Crissy didn’t answer because her mouth was full of pizza and “don’t talk with your mouth full of pizza” is her motto because a piece might fall out and that would be wasteful. There are starving children still left that Brangelina haven’t yet adopted and so far be it from Crissy to waste food until all the hungry children bare the Brangelina name and the Global Rainbow Family or whatever the hell they call it is complete.
And then a few minutes later when Erin was up helping Mackenzie and Girlfriend with a game, the little girl’s brother who looked to be about 5 years old came up to Crissy and began to hustle her for some Chuck E. tokens!!!! And when Crissy said “no, go ask your mom for some” the Dirty Little Foreign People’s Child kept bugging her and insisted that his mom didn’t have any money for the tokens. And Crissy was getting really mad because he just wouldn’t quit and so Crissy had to get in his face and say very calmly “beat it. I’m not giving you anything.”
He finally went away.
When Girlfriend and Mackenzie were playing a game the two of them went over and tried to force Girlfriend and Mackenzie off the game!!!
WHAT KIND OF AN ANIMAL DOES THIS????
Crissy was so mad you guys. She started shaking and having contractions and Taco was practicing his kung fu kicking because that’s his big sister those kids are messing with and they’re lucky Crissy didn’t let him out to go and set some motherfuckers straight for Girlfriend.
Btw, just because Crissy refers to Taco as “he” do not take that to mean that Taco is a boy. Crissy doesn’t know what Taco is. Maybe Taco is not a baby at all but a Dalmatian.
The Crissys had some kink going a few months back…
And Crissy looked around for some sort of Dirty Foreign Person to whom these children belonged but try as she might she could find none. They may very well have been there alone for all Crissy could see because nobody was watching them.
And Crissy briefly considered taking them home with her because really you can’t get good help these days unless you train it and beat it and make it live under the stairs yourself and with Taco coming and everything she’s really going to use some extra little slave children to clean the toilets and service Mister and things of that nature but she thought better of it because these are two of the most ill mannered little shit birds Crissy has ever seen.
And it’s not like these were truly needy children. They were both dressed in brand name clothing that Crissy cannot afford to buy for her own child and each of them had on more gold jewelry than Mr. T can shake his dick at so don’t yell at Crissy for not being charitable because it wasn’t like that.
Also of note was the gaggle of teenage girls all chasing after toddlers about the same age while texting friends with their free hand.
Pregnancy Pact anyone?
Crissy doesn’t think she can take the crazy anymore and so will not return to Chuck E’s any time soon.
But the pizza was delicious.
Crissy’s Word of the Week:
Dirty Sanchez: During anal sex, the penis is extracted from the anus and smeared across the upper lip of the receiving partner, thus giving him or her a lovely poopy mustache. This can also be done with fingers. It doesn’t have to be the penis.
While they were hustling customers at the Chuck E. Cheese for free tokens, the children’s mother was in the back getting a Dirty Sanchez from the daytime manager in exchange for some free pizza and a Mountain Dew. No need for tokens.
Crissy had a bad day yesterday. Do you ever feel like nobody loves you and that you’re fat and gross?
Crissy does too!!!
And yesterday was one of those days where as Crissy’s friend Nilsa put it, Crissy just feels pregnant.
It’s not even like Crissy has gotten that fat or anything but she feels like she has and it makes her feel like shit because everybody else except Crissy is getting ready for bikini weather and there isn’t a damn thing she can do about it for another three months and change and it’s frustrating to see everybody walking around all skinny and cute with their martinis and their wine and their wonderful beverages that Crissy misses so, so much you guys.
Crissy is chalking her melancholy up to some raging hormones and her baby book said that depression is normal but it doesn’t help make Crissy feel very much better.
And Mister tries to cheer her up and tell her that her ass is still small and hot and firm but it doesn’t help especially after Crissy was in the bathtub last night trying to drown herself relax and he came in and wanted to take a picture of her (somebody remind Crissy to fix the fucking lock on that door please?) and the camera made all sorts of complaining kinds of sounds because it just didn’t want to lower itself to take a picture because Mister couldn’t “find a flattering angle.”
SOMEBODY KILL CRISSY.
Crissy is also sad because Taco has joined Girlfriend, Alice, and Big Pussy’s Cock Blocker Club. Every time Crissy thinks she might like to make Sexy Time with Mister, Taco wakes up.
Let Crissy tell you that there’s nothing quite as un-hot as having a baby kick around inside of you when you’re trying to be sexy. And it’s not like Taco knows what’s going on. He’s just all “every damn time I try to take a nap there’s this bald dude who comes down the hallway and just starts knocking on the door and he wakes me up! I mean seriously! What’s a fetus got to do to get a little sleep up in here? So I kick the door and shout fuck off at him!”
And so Crissy is feeling very mom-ish and awkward and fat and sad. And Crissy misses feeling pretty and she misses her old jeans and her old yoga and her cute sexy panties that aren’t designed to fit around a watermelon.
Crissy has lost her mo-jo Queefs.
And she doesn’t know how to get it back.
She barely smiled at all yesterday.
(fucking watch the video, okay?)
That’s totally fucking funny right?
Not to Crissy.
She was jealous because the bird can lift its leg without kicking itself in the belly.
Crissy would complain some more today but you really don’t care about her malaise and besides.
She has to go and do a new workout
and it says right there on the box that it will “improve your mood” so Crissy is going to try it but she’s a little intimidated by this picture on the DVD:
Crissy has a feeling she’s in for a damn good ass kicking.
Or she might die.
PS: Tomorrow is Stoogie’s birthday so go over there and wish him a happy happy.
So last night while Crissy was making dinner her mom called.
She was sitting in her kitchen waiting for her friends to come and pick her up for dinner at a wonderful restaurant followed by a Barry Manilow concert.
And she was talking about how excited she was to be going to see Barry and she about swoons and wets her pants every time she talks about him–“ Barry, Barry, oh Baaaaarrrrryyyy he’s so hot!”
Crissy is fairly positive that on those Lonely Nights with her rabbit when she’s not fantasizing about being en flagrante delicto with an undercover state trooper, her mom thinks about Barry and maybe instead of watching COPS she even puts in a little Fanilow porn to enhance the mood:
But Crissy doesn’t really like to think about that because it makes her want to kill herself a little bit.
And she said she put on her cutest outfit for him and when Crissy asked if she remembered to put on new panties and a new bra just in case she gets lucky and Barry invites her backstage for a blow job and a maybe a little finger bang she gasped and exclaimed “OH MY GOD!!! I TOTALLY FORGOT TO BRING A BRA!!! GOTTAGOBYE!!!”
And then she hung up on Crissy.
And Crissy went about stirring the pot of swill she was preparing for dinner when the sun started coming over the mountain and it began to dawn on Crissy.
What does she mean by “forgot to bring a bra?”
Knowing Crissy’s mother and how wonderfully luscious her boobies are for a sixtywhateveryearold it’s very safe to assume that she was already wearing one so what was the spare one for….?
SHE’S PLANNING TO THROW HER BRA AT BARRY MANILOW!!!!
And this would not be blogworthy but it is totally out of character for Linda to do something like that. Crissy would have figured her for a thong tosser but not a bra thrower.
She’s losing her touch.
And in other news, this morning while getting dressed Girlfriend put her panties on her head and danced around making fart noises while shaking her naked bum around Crissy’s room.
We’re all stocked up on crazy here.
But that’s not news, really.
It’s just normal.
Crissy needs to thank you Queefs for clicking the ads yesterday! You earned her $10.00! It’s about 80 cents per click so you guys better come here from now on and click your assess off or else you will be de-queefed and you don’t want that do you?
clickyclickyclickyclickyclicky……don’t be shy.
You know how Captial One is always all “no hassle” about stuff?
Well they’re not. They’re all “all bullshit” about stuff and Crissy is so, so mad you guys.
Do you know what fucking happened?
Crissy will fucking tell you what fucking happened.
It all started months ago at Christmas time when Mister had a billing problem with Webair and he called them and at first they apologized and said it was a computer error and that the Crissy’s didn’t really owe $600 and so we didn’t worry.
And then Mister gets another bill for another $600 like a week later.
So he calls them again and this time they say we DO owe the money and the money from last time that they said was a mistake because there were “overages” but they cannot prove it or tell him what constitutes an “overage.” It’s like going over your cell phone minutes but not knowing what your limit is and not being able to find out.
So Mister tells them they’re total cunts and to suck his giant dick and goes to Capital One to tell them not to pay it. And Capital One is all “Sure! Don’t you worry about a thing Mister Crissy. You just send us your documents and we’ll send our sword weilding barbarians over to Webair to take some motherfuckers out for you.”
And then they didn’t fucking do it.
They claim that Webair says we owe the money.
Well smack Crissy in the ass and call her Judy.
OF COURSE THEY SAY THAT!!!
And now the Crissys have to pay $1,200 in bullshit money they don’t owe in the first fucking place because Webair and Capital One are douchetards.
Do you Queefs know what $1,200 could do for the Crissys????
It could replace the stairs o’ death that lead to the Crissy’s back yard:
Look how scared Alice is to use them!!! There’s no railing and they’re steep as hell and there’s no landing and poor little Alice has fallen off of them and into the recycling bin on more than one occasion.
$1,200 could buy the Crissy’s a mattress to replace the 11 year old one that Turtle-like Bovine Crissy cannot get out of without help because it’s so soft and squishy after so many years of wild sexual escapades use.
Maybe a new mattress even comes with the Free Mattress Slut but The Crissys wouldn’t know because they cannot afford one.
What about a fancy new refrigerator that doesn’t freeze Crissy’s lettuce and doesn’t develop rust down the front on a humid day?
Apparently those come with not one but TWO little Asian bitches that Crissy cannot have because again, Crissy cannot afford it.
Somewhere out there there’s a Webair fuckfaceasshole and a Capital One shitbag climbing up death-free steps and screwing a Free Mattress Slut and afterwards enjoying non-frozen lettuce prepared for them by two Asian bitches and it’s ALL ON CRISSY’S FUCKING MONEY!!!!
And that’s not even it!!!
On Monday Capital One sent The Crissys a letter informing them that due to “touch economic times” they are raising our interest rate from 12% to 19%!!!
We got the bids in for our window job (Crissy swears we’re almost at the end of the windows saga, please let it be true, and then she will shut up about the windows already) and they all came in around $20,000. Problem is that the state lead loan program will only lend us $15,000.
So even with the loan, the Crissy’s cannot afford it.
And this puts Taco as a baby putting everything in his/her mouth at significant risk for catching The Retardation.
If you’ll excuse Crissy she has to go have a stroke now.