Crissy’s feeling poetic lately. Yesterday’s title was from Shakespeare, and today Crissy is giving out ten Queef points if you can tell her what poem that line is from WITHOUT GOOGLING LIKE A DIRTY CHEAT.
Crissy has been watching the news again and you know how it gets her fired up and this morning was no exception and so Crissy feels like she has to warn you Queefs about a Very Serious Danger that many of us encounter on a daily basis and we don’t even know it.
They will eat you, you know.
That’s right Queefs. A woman suffered from a “cardiac incident” when she beefed it on the escalator and her coat got stuck in the thing and SHE DIED!!!!
And Crissy can totally understand what a horrible way to go that was because when Crissy was just a wee little Crissy about four years old and she was at the Peerless Department Store with her mom and her grandma, the lace to her favorite red Buster Brown bumper toe sneaker got stuck in the escalator and Crissy’s mommy and grandma started to walk away without realizing that poor little Crissy was being eaten up and she cried out to them as she was being dragged down into the guts of the hungry beast and they had to pull her out of her shoe to get her free and it was Very Traumatic for little Crissy and so to this day Crissy about suffers a “cardiac incident” herself every time she has to ride an escalator.
And you bet your sweet booty that Crissy checks Girlfriend’s shoe laces before she lets her step on one.
Crissy always knew those things were total death machines.
And you know what other dangerous things Crissy knows about and you do not?
You think those squirty flowers they wear to trick you with are soooo hilarious but they’re really filled with poison that will either kill you or make it impossible to maintain an erection. Google that. It’s totally true.
And don’t forget about her garbage disposal. One day it’s going to pull Crissy inside and it’s see ya in a millionty tiny pieces later Crissy.
And anything powered by natural gas. ssssssssssssttttttttt…KABOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And things that spin too fast. You Queefs remember the Turtle Ride Incident of 2008?
And driving by herself outside a 25 minute radius of her house because Crissy has no sense of direction and also because that’s where the scariest of the scary people are.
And horses. They’re pretty and everything but WHY ARE THEY SO BIG???
And being sucked up into the sky.
Men with facial hair (sorry Jesus, sorry Narm. Brad please shave that thing off your face or we’re through!!! I mean, call me!!!). There’s actually a story behind this one–Crissy was at the grocery store with her mom when she was about 18 months old or so (Crissy was a freak baby and was talking before she was one. Same with Girlfriend.) and there was a guy with a beard standing next to her and she looked at her mommy and said “look at that fucking ass hole momma!” And her grandma was so mad that she left Crissy and her mommy at the store and Crissy’s dad had to come and pick them up. True story.
Hmmmm….what else is Crissy ascared of?
That’s why Crissy has a blog instead of real friends.
- Yes, but what if your Spirit Guide is an asshole?
- A Series of Unfortunate Events
- Fine. I’ll Worship Myself Then.
- Crissy has the Birthday Anxiety and the only cure is PRESENTS!
- They’re two, they’re four, they’re six, they’re eight, shunting trucks and hauling freight…