The peanut-crunching crowd shoves in to see them unwrap me hand and foot, the big strip tease. Gentleman, ladies these are my hands, my knees.

Crissy’s feeling poetic lately. Yesterday’s title was from Shakespeare, and today Crissy is giving out ten Queef points if you can tell her what poem that line is from WITHOUT GOOGLING LIKE A DIRTY CHEAT.

Crissy has been watching the news again and you know how it gets her fired up and this morning was no exception and so Crissy feels like she has to warn you Queefs about a Very Serious Danger that many of us encounter on a daily basis and we don’t even know it.

Escalators.

They will eat you, you know.

That’s right Queefs. A woman suffered from a “cardiac incident” when she beefed it on the escalator and her coat got stuck in the thing and SHE DIED!!!!

And Crissy can totally understand what a horrible way to go that was because when Crissy was just a wee little Crissy about four years old and she was at the Peerless Department Store with her mom and her grandma, the lace to her favorite red Buster Brown bumper toe sneaker got stuck in the escalator and Crissy’s mommy and grandma started to walk away without realizing that poor little Crissy was being eaten up and she cried out to them as she was being dragged down into the guts of the hungry beast and they had to pull her out of her shoe to get her free and it was Very Traumatic for little Crissy and so to this day Crissy about suffers a “cardiac incident” herself every time she has to ride an escalator.

And you bet your sweet booty that Crissy checks Girlfriend’s shoe laces before she lets her step on one.

Crissy always knew those things were total death machines.

And you know what other dangerous things Crissy knows about and you do not?

Clowns.

You think those squirty flowers they wear to trick you with are soooo hilarious but they’re really filled with poison that will either kill you or make it impossible to maintain an erection. Google that. It’s totally true.

And don’t forget about her garbage disposal. One day it’s going to pull Crissy inside and it’s see ya in a millionty tiny pieces later Crissy.

And anything powered by natural gas. ssssssssssssttttttttt…KABOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And things that spin too fast. You Queefs remember the Turtle Ride Incident of 2008?

_MG_7798

And driving by herself outside a 25 minute radius of her house because Crissy has no sense of direction and also because that’s where the scariest of the scary people are.

And horses. They’re pretty and everything but WHY ARE THEY SO BIG???

ALIENS!!!!

And balloons.

And kites.

And being sucked up into the sky.

Men with facial hair (sorry Jesus, sorry Narm. Brad please shave that thing off your face or we’re through!!! I mean, call me!!!). There’s actually a story behind this one–Crissy was at the grocery store with her mom when she was about 18 months old or so (Crissy was a freak baby and was talking before she was one. Same with Girlfriend.) and there was a guy with a beard standing next to her and she looked at her mommy and said “look at that fucking ass hole momma!” And her grandma was so mad that she left Crissy and her mommy at the store and Crissy’s dad had to come and pick them up. True story.

Hmmmm….what else is Crissy ascared of?

Oh, yes.

PEOPLE.

That’s why Crissy has a blog instead of real friends.

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36 comments

  1. There was a guy I met in college who thought a garbage disposal WAS an alien. He had never seen one before, so when he flipped the switch to it in our dorm lounge and it turned on, he freaked out. Went over to the sink. Peered in. And said, “Woah. This sink has wings.” I shit you not. I went to school with a bunch of rednecks. There’s another thing to be scared of. Rednecks.

    SoMi’s Nilsa’s last blog post: Work

  2. Hey!!! I was a freak baby, too!! I talked before I was 1. Nobody believes me but my poor, poor parents who were subjected to the verbal vomit spewing from my mouth from the time I was like 9 months old!!!!

    I, too, have strange things I’m afraid of.

    We are TWINS!! I’m telling you…..TWINS!!!

    Maybe we should do some sort of scientific study that if you talk before one, that you also have odd fears!!!1 I bet we’d win the Pulitzer or something…….whatever award they give for important stuff.

  3. I want to say that it’s Sylvia Plath, but I don’t want to cheat OR look like a total asshat for not knowing.

    I’m afraid of getting out of the car in stopped traffic, even if it’s been stopped for hours. Why? Because I’ve seen too many episodes of ER when women get chopped in half and pinned between two SUV’s for getting something out of the back. That’s when the drunk drivers like to attack.

    Cassidy’s last blog post: Are you kidding me? No, no. I’ll grab my iPod.

  4. I agree on the escalators, always take the stairs, Also library ladies scare me but that is a long story.
    Would that be by Sylvia Plath from the Bell Jar?

  5. High School graduates in da house!!
    @ Cassidy- YES!!! Lady Lazarus. You win!
    @ Tara- Yup. Juliet.
    @ Lynne- How could I have forgotten that? And the Handicapped! I was half asleep this morning when I wrote that. Clearly.
    @pmac- It’s from Ariel. And library ladies scare me too.

  6. My brother is scared of clowns – has been since he was little. He won’t really admit it, so we give him grief about it.

    Pimp, I think you need to up Crissy’s meds. Ativan works nicely to take the edge off the fear. Not sure about the effects on Taco, but still, you might want to look into it. 🙂

  7. Escalators are dangerous as hell! Years ago, a little girl’s lace was caught so she bent over to yank it out. The string to the hood on her winter coat got stuck and she was strangled. Horrible freak accident. Her twin sister saw this! That poor kid.
    ***
    My fears? All insects, even butterflies and ladybugs. All reptiles. Michael Meyers. Bloggers. *shudder*

    Akilah Sakai’s last blog post: She’s Gifted, I’m Dieting

  8. um…how about the black belt that moves your groceries along to the checkout girl…they suck you in too…not that I would know…not that they had to use the price-check microphone to get a screwdriver to help me…my poor little 6 year old fingers.

  9. @ Kiala- I’m not surprised. Sylvia is my most favorite ever too. Try Russel Edson. I think you’d love him. I think his collected works is called The Tunnel.

    @ Pimp- Isn’t it old bray?

  10. I took The Bell Jar on the plane with me and it sucked me in so quickly that I was off in la la land most of my flights. I didn’t even get a drink for God’s sake – I was so engrossed. I think I’m going to go crazy like she did. That would be a nice end to things, no?

    Oh, and I’m terrified of elevators. When my sister lived in Manhatten, I took the stairs to her 20th floor apartment. Unless I was drunk – then the elevator was okay.

    k8’s last blog post: Resignation on the Bathroom Floor

  11. Folks who wake up at reasonable hours always win all the contests.

    Escalators want us all dead. Do you remember when that escalator in North Carolina tried to shoot people doing their Christmas shopping? No? http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/nationworld/2008556875_apescalatorshot.html

    Clowns may be a little scary, but clown-faced people are magically delicious.

    Yes, non-clown-faced people and non-clown-faced horses are both a little frightening.

    stoogepie’s last blog post: Stoogepie Bank: Open for Business

  12. When Dan was 2 years old a large black lady came up to him at the grocery store and started pinching his cheeks. He looked up at her and announced “Get your fucking hands off of me you gorilla!” Apparently Dan’s Dad’s boss was a big racist and had been spending a lot of time around him.

    Rachel M.’s last blog post: Adult giveaway winner announced!!!

  13. I too was almost eaten by the escalator. I was 2 or 3 and I did that thing that they tell you never to do, which is sit on the escalator. I had these frilly, lacy panties on and when I went to stand up they had already gotten caught. My back and butt were all scraped up, I remember. They had to cut me out of my panties.

    People don’t ever believe me when I tell them that escalators are dangerous and can kill you! Fuckers!

    Ceci’s last blog post: Can you believe it’s Tuesday…

  14. I must be a total geek. My fav poet is still T.S. Eliot. I guess that’s what going for an MA in Literature does to you…

    and I agree 100% on the escalators and clowns.
    Now my QOFE craving has been quenched,my blog is done for the day, and I’m off to sleep through…. I mean READ Schell’s Fate of the Earth and write a 15 page analysis of his take on nuclear war. *yawn*

    Tess’s last blog post: Our Clothes Are Minty Fresh

  15. I stopped by a mutual “friend’s” blog and wanted to come by to tell you that I heart you. I haven’t met you and probably never will since we live about 8000000ty million miles apart, but you (and your Pimp) make me smile every day. You also have formed a new bond between me and my SIL as we both enjoy your blog. So thank you for that. Have a great day.

  16. You know what else is dangerous???? ELEVATORS! I started sweating reading this post! When I was like five, all of the hens in my family took me to the Guthrie (old theater in MPLS) and I tried to be a nice person (or dumb) and hold the elevator door open for someone. It shut on my effing hand! My mom had to rip it out! I still can’t hold elevators open for people, even though I know that it was just a really old elevator without sensors.

    I get shitty looks at work all the time, as I leave them standing there to wait for the next one!!!!

    Kelly’s last blog post: The Plague Or Something Like It

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