Do you remember this guy?
No?
What are you new here?
And Crissy is NOT new here so she knows nobody is clicking on shit so she’ll just tell you that that woodland creature’s name is Frank and that Crissy’s dog Alice is madly in love with him and he’s sort of a bastard because he ate many a plant that Crissy loved like her mint and her zinnias and her sun rays and her sunflowers and her sweet peas (both edible and non-edible varieties) last summer.
(let Crissy just say that if you don’t read the posts you’re really missing something wonderful. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll even pee your pants they’re so good, but if you don’t want to pee your pants that’s your business. Freak.)
And Crissy thought she had seen the last of him until a few days ago when Alice started acting very peculiarly.
She was all perky and stuff and running all over the house and playing very friskily with her squeaky sheep and her squeaky pheasant and she was panting and jumping all around and running up and down the stairs and yodeling (!) and being not very much like Alice at all.
And she wanted to go outside every. two. minutes.
And Crissy just thought it might be because it was 40 degrees outside and Alice had a touch of The Spring Fever but no.
Mister figured it out.
Frank is out of hibernation. The hole under the fence he uses to come into the yard has freshly turned dirt in it.
And Alice is on cloud nine.
If there was a cloud ten she’d be on that.
She woke Crissy up at 4:30 this morning to go outside and see Frank. Actually, that’s not true. The douchebag who decided to go out and start his car and blast house music at 4:30 am woke Crissy up. Alice just insisted Crissy let her out.
And do you know what that dirty bastard gave Alice because of all the varmint to dog tick exchanging that happened during the Schnauzerchuck canoodling?
Lyme Disease.
And god knows what else.
Maybe even Herpes!!!
Or, or, SUPER HERPES!!!
Oh JESUS!!!
Naturally, Crissy is beside herself.
Didn’t she raise Alice right,Queefs?
But just look at her!!
Brazen little slut!
WHY IS SHE PUNISHING US BY FALLING FOR A BOY FROM THE WRONG SIDE OF THE FENCE???
AND!!
You know who else is also out of hibernation?
The Jehovah Witnesses.
But nobody is excited about that.
And they have young boys with them all the time now.
Crissy is thinking it’s not just the Catholics anymore if you know what she’s saying.
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- Bees and Woodchucks Are Not Nice Guests
- Alice + Frank: A Love Story
- Crissyshack
- Nobody puts baby in the corner
- Alice bit Frank today! The Vajazzling Haiku Winners Announced! And a Toy With Me Day! There’s A Lot Going On Here Today, Obviously. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, I understand.
Jason invited the mormons in for lemonade or something without sugar or caffeine that they can actually drink once. They never came back after being subjected to his powers of trapping people in conversation for days at a time.
Wait. Did I just comment on a single line in a post about something entirely different?
Par for the course.
Ben’s last blog post: 20SB Vlog Day!
That thing gave her LYME DISEASE?!
good grief I’d be pissed (as I’m sure you are)
deutlich’s last blog post: I’m Coming Out
If Alice starts teasing her hair, wearing a leather jacket, singing about Summer Lovin’, and makes plans to be a Pink Lady I think you have a problem. Other than that, let the wayward love run its course.
Dingo’s last blog post: My Feet Taste Nasty (Updated!)
I went back and read every word of the previous posts about Frank. And it was totally worth it. Hilarious. Maybe you could catch Frank and then release him on the other side of town. Alice would get over it. Eventually.
Lost Artist’s last blog post: The insanity of calm: a madness recap
Ah, Dingo……it could be MORE than wayward love.
If Alice comes home chewing gum and smelling STRONGLY of cologne, and very hungry, you might consider the fact that Alice and her bad-boy boyfriend may be smoking some ‘whacky tobacky’, ya know? Just sayin…..
OR, if you find Alice and Frank STRETCHED out on the basement couch together, wrapped in a blanket, they MAY be doing more than watching a movie……
Not that I’ve ever encountered any of MY kids doing those things. It just randomly occured to me that they COULD happen.
What would the babies look like? Mini Chewbaccas?
Akilah Sakai’s last blog post: Falling Down Gracefully
To quote a guy I know in Georgia . . . “Thems good eat’n”. A live trap, some sedatives and a trip to the UPS store and your problem could be in the deep south by tomorrow. I think this works with out of control teens too. Or would that be an appearance on the Springer show? I forget.
Omfg! I actually read all your posts related to Frank (check
) Poor Alice! Why would she fall for a ..beaver? what’s that? I bet your grandchildren will be fluffy and ugly!
Thrice’s last blog post:
My little tiny dog has an obsession with the two black labs on the other side of the fence. She shakes her little butt at them like “you want this.” I keep telling my husband that it’s because her daddy doesn’t love her.
Kelly’s last blog post: V-Day and Yo Gabba Gabba
Frank is sick I tell you. VERY SICK. When is Alice going to learn that some boys (and species) she has to stay away from?!
Marie’s last blog post: Marie to the Rescue!
I think Alice is confused. Because she likes the beaver. But it’s a man. But it’s a beaver. But it’s a man. She’s obviously confused.
Oh wait. Frank’s a woodchuck.
Damn.
k8’s last blog post: Today, Books Are Not My Salvation
Moxie made friends with the dog from the house behind us. She now wants to be let out every 5 minutes to see if her buddy is out there and once she realizes he isn’t she wants to come right back in. It’s maddening!!!
Rachel M.’s last blog post: Cross your fingers!! NOW!!!
Alice likes a li’l morning wood . . . chuck.
Ask the JeMormon Witlesses to exorcise her. That’ll teach her.
FRANK THE TANK!!!!!!!
I wonder what their pups will look like.
Matt’s last blog post: things could be worse
How can you stand in the way of love?! Especially love that shares the name of one of the PDA-iest couples EVER on Friends?!
Stealthnerd’s last blog post: He IS my sweet baboo!
in frank’s defense, i’m sure he’s a LOT more svelte now.
that picture was pre-hibernation… he’s probably all ripped and cut and muscle-y now.
Oh, that’s weird! My post is about love too.
I’m freaking out.
FREAKING OUT.
GET OUT OF MY HEAD GILBERT.
Kiala’s last blog post: I’m in love again.
Hang on. I got bitten by a tick while I was pregnant. I think it fell from a tree. So, make sure you don’t stand under any trees.
Wait, what?
melissalion’s last blog post: Hello Internet
I have missed Frank! And I think that it’s good that Alice has found love.
Lyme disease as a gift was a poor choice. But it still beats a lot of things people get on Valentine’s Day. Including that Talking Super-Herpes I’ve been reading about.
stoogepie’s last blog post: Happy Biochemical Reaction Day
Let the kids have their fun! I’m sure all of America has been waiting to see what its like to cross a dog and a woodchuck/ beaver/ whateverthehell Frank is.
Even though I am not new here, I did go back and read the previous Frank posts to refresh my memory.
“That’s why God made airbrushes and anorexia.” = one of the best lines ever!
Anyhoo… The interspecies lurve is all good until you start getting in the whole Lyme Disease/rabies/whatever disease exchange… that’s just wrong. Just remember, the more you try to break them up, the sneakier they’ll get.
MsDarkstar’s last blog post: The Waiting Game
I’m just worried about the kind of influence Alice might have on Girlfriend. Next thing you know Girlfriend is going to be hanging out with the kid who eats glue.
Megkathleen’s last blog post: Why would I save my refund? I’m American!
Is there a pet equivalent of Planned Parenthood that you can take Alice to to get her schooled on things like lyme disease that you can get from dirty boys???
Maybe she likes them dirty… hmmmmmmm….
Ceci’s last blog post: Morning Announcements
i’d rather have my dog make out with a herpified woodchuck than with a jehovah witness, frankly.
Alice’s last blog post: please don’t divorce my friends.
Blaming Frank for what he is is so wrong. I’m disappointed in you.
*singing* There’s a place for them… somewhere a place for them…
lacochran’s last blog post: "Chewy, chewy" –The Ohio Express
I think we need video. Does that mean there’s something wrong with me?
Chris’s last blog post: terrifying
My slut monkey of a cat cheated on me once with my ex-boyfriend. He was in town for an interview and crashed on my couch and when I got up in the morning she was curled up on top of him. Such a little whore!
At least you now know what happens if you drink your way through parenthood. Chalk Alice up to new parenting. And make sure to do right by Girlfriend and Taco. Strike three times, though, and you’re out, girl!
SoMi’s Nilsa’s last blog post: Circle
Two words for you. Live.Trap.