Help! Help! There’s a Hog in my Kitchen!!!!

Oh Queefs.

Crissy had a bad day yesterday. Do you ever feel like nobody loves you and that you’re fat and gross?


Crissy does too!!!

And yesterday was one of those days where as Crissy’s friend Nilsa put it, Crissy just feels pregnant.

It’s not even like Crissy has gotten that fat or anything but she feels like she has and it makes her feel like shit because everybody else except Crissy is getting ready for bikini weather and there isn’t a damn thing she can do about it for another three months and change and it’s frustrating to see everybody walking around all skinny and cute with their martinis and their wine and their wonderful beverages that Crissy misses so, so much you guys.

Crissy is chalking her melancholy up to some raging hormones and her baby book said that depression is normal but it doesn’t help make Crissy feel very much better.

And Mister tries to cheer her up and tell her that her ass is still small and hot and firm but it doesn’t help especially after Crissy was in the bathtub last night trying to drown herself relax and he came in and wanted to take a picture of her (somebody remind Crissy to fix the fucking lock on that door please?) and the camera made all sorts of complaining kinds of sounds because it just didn’t want to lower itself to take a picture because Mister couldn’t “find a flattering angle.”


Crissy is also sad because Taco has joined Girlfriend, Alice, and Big Pussy’s Cock Blocker Club. Every time Crissy thinks she might like to make Sexy Time with Mister, Taco wakes up.

Let Crissy tell you that there’s nothing quite as un-hot as having a baby kick around inside of you when you’re trying to be sexy. And it’s not like Taco knows what’s going on. He’s just all “every damn time I try to take a nap there’s this bald dude who comes down the hallway and just starts knocking on the door and he wakes me up! I mean seriously! What’s a fetus got to do to get a little sleep up in here? So I kick the door and shout fuck off at him!”

And so Crissy is feeling very mom-ish and awkward and fat and sad. And Crissy misses feeling pretty and she misses her old jeans and her old yoga and her cute sexy panties that aren’t designed to fit around a watermelon.


Crissy has lost her mo-jo Queefs.

And she doesn’t know how to get it back.

She barely smiled at all yesterday.

Not even when she saw this

(fucking watch the video, okay?)

That’s totally fucking funny right?

Not to Crissy.

She was jealous because the bird can lift its leg without kicking itself in the belly.

Crissy would complain some more today but you really don’t care about her malaise and besides.

She has to go and do a new workout

and it says right there on the box that it will “improve your mood” so Crissy is going to try it but she’s a little intimidated by this picture on the DVD:

Crissy has a feeling she’s in for a damn good ass kicking.

Or she might die.

We’ll see.

PS: Tomorrow is Stoogie’s birthday so go over there and wish him a happy happy.

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  1. Please tell Crissy she hasn’t lost her mo-jo..she’s supercute, I imagine..and please tell her that I know she doesn’t care when other people tell her how cute she looks, so tell her mirror to show her the real her and not the one she’s looking at 😛

    Thrice’s last blog post: CRAZY WORLD

  2. I’m sure you’re still a hot lady! Isn’t weird that they can do all sorts of fancy scientific things, but they’ve never figured out how to speed up the pregnancy process? When Punky and Girlfriend have their super-genius baby, that’s the first world problem she or he should solve. Then cancer or whatever…

    Kelly’s last blog post: Oh My Eyes!

  3. Ugh, I feel like that sometimes and I’m not even pregnant. I’m just fat and ugly. Bleck. Your mood will bounce back soon enough 🙂 Just remember, you were 2008’s hottest mommy blogger! That’s something!

  4. UPDATE- The video did improve Crissy’s mood because now she is just feeling like she’s lucky to be alive in much the same way one would feel having just survived a firey plane crash or AIDS.

    Crissy has learned that perhaps a little Frenchy Cirque du Soleil chick does not have a realistic idea of what a normal human can accomplish and yet, Crissy did it.

    AND LIVED!!!

    Thank you everybody for telling Crissy she’s still got it. It makes her feel happier as she puts on her watermelon thong.

  5. I was about to make a really insensitive remark about fat people, but then it included the word BULGE and I’m just not that kind of girl. Embrace your pregnancy. I’m pretty sure I’ve heard the world MILF thrown around in the same sentence as your name. You’re a beauty, my dear.

    SoMi’s Nilsa’s last blog post: Tears

  6. Well I think you are super hot and your funny blogs always cheer me up on the days when I feel like something someone left in a public men’s room in Tokyo

  7. Being pregnant does frequently suck. Glad you’re feeling better. I love kicking my kids out of the kitchen when Mommy gets to read her funny blog, (in case there is a big boob/cock/sextoy picture) but I had to bring them in to watch the funny bird video. Yep . . that is funny!!

  8. Oh whatevah, Crissy. You’re a MILF, preggie or not. If the Pimp couldn’t find a flattering angle, that means it’s time to renovate the bathroom.

    And the idea of sexy time with Taco kicking around is just astoundingly hot! Am I right? Pimp?

    stoogepie’s last blog post: Happy Black History Month

  9. Who’s getting ready for ‘kini season? I’d like to meet them and kick them in the face — yoga style. You’re great! So pretty and still keeping in shape with a baby and a three year old and a dog and a Mister.

    I did yoga yesterday for the first time in months and I think my arms might break off my body.

    Eat some chocolate and have a drink fer crissakes. Just have one drink. Or chocolate pudding.

    And if it’ll make you feel better, I’ll fall on my sword and post a picture of pregnant me. I’ll put it in your comments section, because I was so fat, I wouldn’t dream of posting it on my own blog.

    melissalion’s last blog post: Day Four: I Know! How Much More Will You Have to Endure?

  10. Even if Crissy were as big Macy’s Parade Balloon,(which she isn’t!) she’d still be the QOFE and damn hot!

    And wait, what? Stoogie’s Birthday is on Valentine’s Day? Well, hot damn, now I have a reason to celebrate that damn holiday!

    MsDarkstar’s last blog post: Anxiety

  11. stooge: frankly i think the idea of uterus tickling from both sides of the tracks pretty goddamned sexy, but apparently i’m alone.

    wifey: you soooooooooooooooooooo need to have 3 or 4 stupendously mindblowing orgasms…

  12. OH MY LORD. How did I not know about Snowball?!? I literally had tears streaming down my face watching the first video, have watched all the others, and am seriously contemplating buying his DVD. WANT.

    LiLu’s last blog post: Best. Vday. EVER.

  13. OMG!! I clicked on the link Daisee579 posted and…well…there are no words. Well, yes there are but they wouldn’t be polite. Let’s just say that I had to watch the silly white bird do his dance several more times before I could get the image out of my mind.

    Dingo’s last blog post: My Feet Taste Nasty

  14. I just found out that a friend of mine frequents the blog of that OTHER pregnant, but not Hottest Mommy blogger. I locked her in the closet and told her that upon her release, she must immediately rush here and begs for forgiveness from the QOFE!
    On a side note, I am disappointed that I now know the OTHER, not-hot mommy blogger is having a baby girl but do not know what the QOFE is having.

  15. Wow. I’m suddenly sad that I’m done having babies because this post, THIS ONE RIGHT HERE, is just the comic salve that every pregnant mother needs to read. This was hilarious! Thank you!

    And…I hope you’re feeling better by now, it is all worth it in the end!

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