Crissy had a bad day yesterday. Do you ever feel like nobody loves you and that you’re fat and gross?
Crissy does too!!!
And yesterday was one of those days where as Crissy’s friend Nilsa put it, Crissy just feels pregnant.
It’s not even like Crissy has gotten that fat or anything but she feels like she has and it makes her feel like shit because everybody else except Crissy is getting ready for bikini weather and there isn’t a damn thing she can do about it for another three months and change and it’s frustrating to see everybody walking around all skinny and cute with their martinis and their wine and their wonderful beverages that Crissy misses so, so much you guys.
Crissy is chalking her melancholy up to some raging hormones and her baby book said that depression is normal but it doesn’t help make Crissy feel very much better.
And Mister tries to cheer her up and tell her that her ass is still small and hot and firm but it doesn’t help especially after Crissy was in the bathtub last night trying to drown herself relax and he came in and wanted to take a picture of her (somebody remind Crissy to fix the fucking lock on that door please?) and the camera made all sorts of complaining kinds of sounds because it just didn’t want to lower itself to take a picture because Mister couldn’t “find a flattering angle.”
SOMEBODY KILL CRISSY.
Crissy is also sad because Taco has joined Girlfriend, Alice, and Big Pussy’s Cock Blocker Club. Every time Crissy thinks she might like to make Sexy Time with Mister, Taco wakes up.
Let Crissy tell you that there’s nothing quite as un-hot as having a baby kick around inside of you when you’re trying to be sexy. And it’s not like Taco knows what’s going on. He’s just all “every damn time I try to take a nap there’s this bald dude who comes down the hallway and just starts knocking on the door and he wakes me up! I mean seriously! What’s a fetus got to do to get a little sleep up in here? So I kick the door and shout fuck off at him!”
And so Crissy is feeling very mom-ish and awkward and fat and sad. And Crissy misses feeling pretty and she misses her old jeans and her old yoga and her cute sexy panties that aren’t designed to fit around a watermelon.
Crissy has lost her mo-jo Queefs.
And she doesn’t know how to get it back.
She barely smiled at all yesterday.
(fucking watch the video, okay?)
That’s totally fucking funny right?
Not to Crissy.
She was jealous because the bird can lift its leg without kicking itself in the belly.
Crissy would complain some more today but you really don’t care about her malaise and besides.
She has to go and do a new workout
and it says right there on the box that it will “improve your mood” so Crissy is going to try it but she’s a little intimidated by this picture on the DVD:
Crissy has a feeling she’s in for a damn good ass kicking.
Or she might die.
PS: Tomorrow is Stoogie’s birthday so go over there and wish him a happy happy.
- Crissy is Cake’s Bitch (AGAIN!)
- I MAY HAVE HAD the PMS last week when I did this but it made me feel really good inside my heart and if any of you fuckers call the police on me so help me Jesus I will ban you from this blog.
- The Woodland Gays
- Schmuckytown Woods: The Place to See Weird Stuff
- A rabbit in the cage is worth two in the bush. Hahahahaha! Crissy said “bush.”