Fucktard Barnyard Version 2.0

Last year at this time as some of you Queefs might remember and some of you might not, Crissy brought Girlfriend to a fancy snot school for an admissions assessment. Girlfriend had been on the waiting list for said assessment since birth and it was finally her turn.

It didn’t go well Queefs.

Poor Girlfriend was only 2 years old and had never been left with strangers before and, well, when Crissy tried to drop her off with the assessment peoples Girlfriend lost her shit and while Principal La-di-da Snotingsteen and the other snot school types were La-di-daing and hoyty-toytying on about Piaget’s theories on early childhood learning, Girlfriend could be heard screaming from down the hallway.

They came to get Crissy and Crissy had to sit with Girlfriend for the 2 hour long assessment. She did extremely well except for the part where she had to sit in circle time and listen to a story. Girlfriend decided it would be way more fun to try and make one of the boys put on a set of fairy wings and when that didn’t fly (hahahahaha!!! Crissy is so funny! Get it? Wings? Fly? hahahahahaha!!!) she decided to roll around on her back with her legs spread wide apart in the air instead.

She had on a dress.

And don’t a single one of you say “she’s a chip off the ol’ block!” because Crissy will punch you in the face.

Did Crissy mention the part where Girlfriend got down on the floor and started acting like a dog? Or how she crawled under a table and shouted “YOU’RE STUPID!!!!I’LL NEVER DO IT!!! NEVER!!!” at the teachers?

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Yeah.

And not surprisingly an hour later Crissy got a call from Principal La-ti-da Snotingsteen telling her that usually they send out their acceptance/ rejection letters in March or April but that they wanted to let Crissy know right away that Girlfriend did not get in.

Well Fuck. Fucking.You.

And then Principal La-ti-da Snotingsteen said that Girlfriend was obviously a “smart little cookie” but that she just wasn’t ready for the “demanding environment of Henry Barnard School.”

Well Fuck. Fucking. You. Twice.

We’re talking about glorified daycare here! What “demanding environment” could there possibly be? Is the play dough there special? Is it made of math?

And Crissy was also confused because it seems to her that it would be normal for a 2 year old who has never been without her mommy before to flip her noodle.

And then he said they’d like to see her back in a year to re-assess.

Okay fine.

And last week Crissy got the call from Twyla Twattington, Twat in charge of assessment scheduling, inviting Girlfriend back for another run at it.

And Crissy is still pissed off about last year but she still wouldn’t mind if Girlfriend went there because it’s a really, really good school and it’s hard to get in. So hard, in fact, that Crissy got a letter congratulating her on getting in for an assessment.

And also it’s on the college campus where Mister works and it means Crissy wouldn’t have to drop Girlfriend off at school anymore which would be awesome because you know how Crissy’s panties get in a twist every day she has to do it.

So today we go back there at 10:30 for round two and it’s a mystery as to which Girlfriend will show up because Girlfriend is a Gemini and Geminis are a royal pain in the ass. Did Crissy mention that there’s no chance Taco won’t be a Gemini and now Crissy will have two of them? Or four depending on how many personalities we’re counting here.

Will it be this Girlfriend?

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Or this one?

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Crissy will keep you posted.

But let Crissy just say that if they reject her again Crissy is likely to Do Something Regrettable like plan a midnight run to spray paint giant dicks on the side of the school or something equally bad.

Crissy knows you Queefs will come with her.

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34 comments

  1. That top Girlfriend pic is truly the best pic of a kid on the Internetz EVAR!

    As for your master plan…what color paint and how much do you think we’ll need? And if Girlfriend fails to knock their socks off, it is TOTALLY their loss (and I think you should send them an 8×10 color glossy of the top Girlfriend pic if they do happen to not get with the program this time)!!

  2. “is it made of math?” LOL.

    Good Luck Girlfriend–and good luck Mommy…there’ll be no wine for you afterwards this time….

  3. To relax Girlfriend a bit, perhaps you should give her a shot of the vodka in the first pic. I hear that’s what all the mom’s do when they’re out of Ritalin. Hey, maybe YOU should take a shot of the vodka. I hear that’s what all the mom’s do when they’re out of Ritalin.

    Dingo’s last blog post..I Should’ve Used A Car Wash

  4. I’m a Gemini too. I couldn’t imagine two of them!!! I hope the snob schools wakes up and realizes what an asset the little QOE would be.
    Oh yeah,and when it happens, make sure you let the Starbucks slurping parking spot hogs at current school know you are better than them. LOL

    Tess’s last blog post..Keeping Holiday Stress Down for Kids

  5. Good luck Girlfriend and Crissy. Crissy, I sure hope you get to have those precious few minutes in the morning back when Mister starts taking GF to school. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you. My luck? Hubby would some how shove the GF dropping off at school duties back on me, even though the school is RIGHT THERE at his work.

  6. All you need to do is have Mister get a few recommendation letters from the higher ups at said college campus and Girlfriend is golden. Because that’s the way it works at these hoity toity schools. They could care less about Girlfriend’s behavior, but they do care about who you know!

    SoMi’s Nilsa’s last blog post..Etiquette

  7. Good luck, Crissy.

    My daughter just went through some tests for the gifted program at her school. I pray she didn’t tell them something like “my mom says tight panties squeeze your belly and causes vomiting.” I still don’t know where the hell she got this from or why she decided to say it in front of the in-laws.

    Akilah Sakai’s last blog post..Fcuking Great Gift!

  8. Magic 8 ball says “girlfriend rulez!” then said “fire monster”. Hmmmmm . . .

    Maybe a Valentine’s Day theme for the penis paintin’ party?

  9. Good luck to girlfriend! I know what it is like when the know-it-alls try to freak you out. Son’s pre-school teacher said I should think about waiting a year to send him to Kindergarten since he was not ya know, reading yet. (He’s in pre-school for Dog’s sake!) I sent him anyway and he is doing great.
    So suck it Pre-School teacher and the hoity-toitys doing the assessment for Girlfriend.

  10. If I were Girlfriend, I’d want to be bribed with cookies. I seem to vaguely remember a similar event going on in my pre-kindergarten testing. Because there were cookies to be had at the end of the suggestion, I even managed to “draw a picture of our family” looking highly functional and happy! If cookies aren’t Girlfriends favorite thing…then whatever it takes. Geminis are tough but you bust out their faves and they’ll do whatever you want…I date one…the answer is always tacos, oddly enough. Not a euphemism.

    bethie’s last blog post..WTF Wednesday: I Love the ’90s

  11. I think Geminis are absolutely lovely people. Wonderful. Caring. Loving. Gorgeous. Smart. Girlfriend will be fantastic. Her actions last year were completely normal and those dumbbutts from school just misunderstood her.

    Me saying this has nothing to do with the fact that I’m a Gemini.

    Marie’s last blog post..A Routine of Sorts

  12. I didn’t pass the kindergarten entrance exam because I told them my elbow was my wrist and my wrist was an elbow. And the pictures of the monkey eating the banana? Wrong. Apparently not every kid eats their banana without taking the whole peel off and throwing it away before eating the damn thing. You have to peel it partway, eat it, and THEN throw it away. What the fuck?

    Girlfriend, I turned out okay in the end. I hope you get in so you can tell them to suck it.

    k8’s last blog post..Therapy Tuesday

  13. I, too, am a Gemini, but I am married to a Gemini and who birthed a Gemini baby.

    You are, as you know, at the mercy of Girlfriend.

    I wish you well in this endeavor. If I lived near you, I would help you paint dicks on the school if they say no, but chances are just as high that nice paintbrush wielding, sitting with her hands in her lap Girlfriend will show up as it is that demon with laser beam eyebrows Girlfriend does.

    IN any case, she’s being raised by you and the Mister, so no matter what school she attends, she’ll turn out to be just perfect.

    Morgetron’s last blog post..Uh! Me So Nervous!

  14. Ohhh the comment thing is working.

    I’m a Gemini and an only child. It’s a pleasure for others, I’m sure.

    That school sounds like a bunch of asstwats. I just thought of that word. Does it work?

    melissalion’s last blog post..Day Two

  15. UPDATE: Girlfriend did fine when we left the room and was fine for about 40 minutes until she spilled a cup of dried beans and immediately dove under the table because she was scared the teachers would yell at her. She refused to come out and Mister was summoned. He reassured her and left again. She was fine and having fun when we returned to pick her up.
    That’s all we know. They didn’t seem to be looking at her with Judgy Judgington eyes which must mean that Sweet and Adorable Girlfriend showed up and not Fire Monster Girlfriend.

    She also gave one of the other little girls a big hug before she left.

    It went better than the last time and that’s all I can say for now.

    PS: I’m glad to know that Geminis know they’re a pain in the ass. At least you admit it.

  16. I’m glad that Girlfriend did okay, although I will be disappointed if she manages to make nice with the asstwats in the end.

    I already stole Melissa’s word!

    No matter how it eventually turns out, will you please spray paint giant dicks somewhere?

    stoogepie’s last blog post..Happy Black History Month

  17. Ummmmmm……

    What the heck goes on at home when Girlfriend does something wrong????

    Does Mister get out a cattle prod or something?

    I mean why else would she immediately dive under the table at the school assessment after spilling a cup of beans?

    Do we need to call DCYF (or other appropriate authorities)??

  18. I am thinking that the asstwats (I like that word!) will be aglow over her seemingly healthy fear of authority. Little do they know she is the QOE and will have the other students doing her bidding soon after her admission to Hoity Toity Academy.

    When Girlfriend does leave her current school situation, I think she should bring a great big allergen-filled treat to school along with a couple of those lovely juiceboxes (one red, one white) to celebrate her ascension!

    MsDarkstar’s last blog post..Countdown to (Mr.POSSLQ’s) Vacation

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