You’re Skatin’ Me Crazy!!! Oof. That’s a bad title. Embarassing, really.

Almost as embarrassing as spelling embarrassing wrong in the title and being too lazy to go back and fix it.

So yesterday when Crissy picked Girlfriend up at school the principal pulled Crissy to the side and said “you know, your daughter is the Queen of Everything around here.” Crissy almost fell over and said “Well, I’m the Queen of Fucking Everything so that makes sense.” But she didn’t and then the teacher went on to describe how Girlfriend has all the other kids helping her put on her snowsuit and pack her backpack even though everyone knows full well she can do it herself.

Crissy is raising her right Queefs. She will take over the kingdom one day. She’s already building her entourage and it is comprised entirely of boys!!

The pride is just welling up inside of Crissy right now.

And in other news the Crissys were invited to a Roller Skating birthday party last night for Girlfriend’s little friend Ocean. Crissy knows the name is a little weird, but the kid’s eyes are more blue and more beautiful than the Caribbean and so the name is going to do big things for her some day.

This is Girlfriend and Ocean when they were just little babies:


Please ignore Crissy’s enormous boobs and fat arm. Girlfriend was only about two months old in this picture.

That’s Mister’s bff Bren. He’s hot, right? Crissy spends a lot of time with Mister and Bren. Crissy may or may not have some serious fantasies about well…never mind.

Moving on…

And here they are at 4 and almost 4:


Girlfriend did a wonderful job skating for the first time because she has Crissy’s innate sense of balance and grace:



And here’s Ocean with her daddy, Bren:


See what Crissy means Queefs? Mister and Bren look hot together.

Bow chica bow bow…


What Crissy is trying to say is look how cute the little girls are!!!

And don’t worry Queefs. Crissy did not put on skates. Crissy fell down even without skates because some brat was hurling at fifty thousand miles per hour right toward Crissy and Taco and Girlfriend and so Crissy had to do an awkward and ungainly a fast maneuver to protect her children and when you’re pregnant your center is gravity is totally fucked.

Don’t laugh.

You guys are mean.

There’s no picture because lucky for Crissy and that little fucker who nearly killed us nobody saw what happened.

Crissy would tell you more fascinating details of her evening but you really don’t give a rat’s ass and also because it’s 7:12 and Crissy is way, way behind and this chick is waiting to work out with Crissy:

Namaste Queefs.

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  1. I found your site on technorati and read a few of your other posts. Keep up the good work. I just added your RSS feed to my Google News Reader. Looking forward to reading more from you down the road!

  2. all right. so. yes. the girls are adorable. your arms ARE NOT fat. you were sportin’ some high beams, though..

    but regardless of all that – I was gawking at the Bren.

    Because. Yum.

  3. I’m sad.  I never realized how photogenic Bren is….I’m disappointed there was not even one mention of spooning or the infamous, “there’s always room for jello.”  I guess may have missed my chance…  😉

  4. More pics of Bren, please. I think Ocean is a great name.  More pics of Bren, please. Girlfriend looks like she’s having a great time.  More pics of Bren, please. Is that yoga lady’s name really Rainbow?  Now that’s a fucked up name.  More pics of Bren, please. Hmmm…what else was I going to say?  Oh, yeah, more pics of Bren, please.

  5. How can I follow up Crissy’s Pimp’s inclusion of pics? gah.

    All I want to know is whether the Queen of Everything has hair too pretty for a helmet? Or whether you only start wearing helmets when you turn four?

  6. *Ahem* All I will say is that after Mister’s pic comment, I can see what you mean about Ocean’s eyes… If they’re anything like Bren’s. Yowza!

  7. That skating ring (is it ring or rink) is straight out of the 80’s.

    but yeah, you should have just named titled the port Bren. Looks like the internets are going crazy for him.

  8. Is the skating party really coming back??  Or did it never go away and it’s just only appropriate for a certain age?

    In that one picture it almost looks like Mister and Bren are about to slow-dance-skate…

  9. dingo: that’s my sister.  they were an item in the mid-late 90s.  😉

    apparently the skate party is coming back.  the place was pretty packed for a random wednesday night. 

    what’s funny is that most of the parents there had spent a lot of time at the very same rink decades earlier.

  10. Aw, the girls are really cute.  I like the name Ocean!

    And I will second the whole off-balance when preggers thing. I bumped into walls in my house many times.  It’s no wonder my daughter is off in the head like me.  I must have shook a screw loose. Poor child…

  11. Normally, as a 20 year old girl, I don’t find older men hot if they’re someones father. But Bren is clearly the most beautiful exception that ever lived! Thank you for proving me wrong. That is why I read this blog. (Sorry for never commenting before, apparently that drives you crazy…)

  12. The girls are adorable!  After reading your last post, I thought I’d leave a comment to say hi.  I stumbled on to your blog through Arjewtino maybe a month or so ago.  You’re hilarious!

  13. Hey–I like unique names.  My cousin just had her first baby and named her Inga Belle.  Now HOW cute is that?  I’m the ONLY one in my family that hasn’t wrinkled up their nose and commented on the strange name.  Personally,I LOVE it.  love it love it.  Besides Ocean is a cute name.  As is Bren.

  14. Diana is similar in her QofE moments.  She has a best friend called Isabella.  God help Isabella if she decides she wants to play with someone else….now Diana is expanding her entourage so soon she will have a group of girls that can’t play with anyone else but HER!  

  15. So you don’t mention whether Bren is still with Ocean’s mother and if he’s taking applications for nannys. Ala the Sound of Music. I might be willing to relocate.

  16. @ k8- Bren and Ocean’s mommy have been together for 21 years.  They have a 20 year old son and another daughter, Sky, who’s 7.   I think you stand a good chance.  21 years is a long, long time.

  17. OMG! They are so adorable! Girlfriend and Ocean I mean. Bren and Mister are going to be all sorts of hysterical when those two girls hit their teenage years, fighting off the boys who would like to date them. Hahaha! Sorry, funny thought.

  18. here you go, folks… something i scanned in a while back and just uploaded to fuel the fire:

    scan-24 (by k.a. gilbert)

    taken back when crissy, he, and i all lived together in providence.

    that’s my guitar he’s holding, and yes he can play it a VERY tiny bit, but his real talent is on the drums (and how we met and became friends in the first place).

  19. Is Bren into Queening?  I bet (hope) he has some great gay 90’s photo like Misters from a couple of weeks ago.  Sorry ladies, he is all mine!!  Oh Yeahhhhh

  20. Drummers are HAWT.

    Interesting Fact: I am very good at roller skating.

    Another Interesting Fact: I am not good at ice skating.

    You can go about your days now.

  21. Okay, I’m confused.  I’ve been w/ Mr. Perfectly for 22 plus years.  We were married in 1987.  How in the HELL did Bren itemize your sister in the 90’s if he was with Ocean’s mom for all that time?

    Bren and Mister do make a striking duo…….and being musicians on top of being striking.  Wow.

  22. bren
    And look you guys. He’s funny too!!!
    That’s right Queefs. Crissy has lived with Bren during a hazy time in his relationship with Ocean’s mommy. She’s seen him all fresh and glisteny from the shower wearing nothing but an inadequately sized towel…

    He’s very muscular in a burly construction worker sort of way.

    Excuse me.

  23. Ok, I thought I could ignore the Bren-mania but the musician thing sortve blew that away.

    Crissy, I think for your window contractors you need to have a pic of Bren and say “You must be THIS hot to be able to work on my windows”.  Just sayin…

  24. Bren is tasty.  He reminds me of a better version of Lance Armstrong.

    Anyway, girlfriend’s curls are incredible. 
    Yoga sucks. I went to  a class a couple weeks ago and was so soar I turned down sex.

  25. Girlfriend doesn’t have a helmet.  It was her first time skating and the knee pads and elbow pads were borrowed.  None of the other kids besides Ocean and her sister had helmets and pads on either.  However, since Girlfriend likes skating so much Crissy just spent the afternoon searching for skates.  We found none but did come home with a helmet and pads.  Barbie ones.

  26. Hey – longtime lurker – first time poster. Love the blog.

    This made me want to bust out the old rollerblades, but then I noticed the scars still marring my poor knees and thought better of myself.

  27. Your daughter skating? Seriously the cutest thing ever. And it’s amazing that she’s already the queen. They start so young! You’ve trained her well. Make sure the boys buy her lots of toys.

  28. Can’t wait until my kiddos are old enough for that….like to try ice skating this year before it gets too warm.

    <a href=””>4 year old driving a moped</a>

    <a href=””>Flipping off the roof from the gutter..Ouch!</a>

  29. ok i was told to check the blog out today by an anonymous reader.
    bren is delicious in a manly unreliable substance abusive artistically talented kind of way…and let me tell you he’s an ace at pounding out a good double bass rhythm.

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