I’m your hell, I’m your dream, I’m nothing in between

You want to know what Crissy’s life is like in the morning Queefs?


Well she’ll tell you.

Crissy wakes up at 5:30am if she’s lucky. On a good day. And she chugs down a cup of coffee and a mint chocolate cookie Pria bar (which taste a lot like Girl Scout Thin Mints, btw) so that she can jump out of bed, brush her teeth, get Girlfriend’s clothes out for the day, go to the basement followed by the kid and the dog, yell “LEAVE THE DOG ALONE!!!” approximately every three to five seconds while at the same time trying to write a genius blog post about something inappropriate and hopefully funny and doing it quickly because if Crissy hasn’t started her hour long workout by 6:45 she’s totally screwed and will never be in the shower by 8:00 to get dressed, make herself into the stunning goddess of beauty and womanhood that the world thinks she is, gather premade lunches, books, and whatever else needs to leave the house, make simple yet optimally nutritious breakfasts, remind Girlfriend to “keep eating!!!” fifty times at least, eat breakfast with her ass on fire running around getting everything ready to leave, brush Girlfriend’s teeth, make sure Girlfriend pees before getting her into her full snow suit regalia that the school insists she show up wearing even though most of the time they go right into the building and take it all off instead of playing outside (Crissy cannot tell you how much this gets her panties in a major twist), buckle snow suited Girlfriend into car seat, drive to the school, walk a mile down icy street to the school while the mommies who are not 6 months pregnant and do not have jobs and haven’t even gotten out of their pajamas yet line their Range Rovers and their Escalades up to fight over the spot right out front, unpack Girlfriend’s backpack and get her situated, and drive to work for 9:00, pee, put her lunch away and sit down at her desk.

Do you want to know what Mister’s schedule looks like Queefs?


Too bad.

Wake up.
Make Coffee for Crissy and himself.
Feed the pets.
Look at laptop while enjoying his coffee in bed.
Yell repeatedly for Girlfriend and Alice from two floors up when he finally realizes they have followed Crissy downstairs. He does not get up to retrieve them.
Perform his morning shadoobie which takes about 45 minutes.
Not shower.
Ignore laundry basket full of clean laundry to be folded.
Back to bed for more computer time.
Ignore Girlfriend as she trashes her room and takes all of Crissy’s shoes out of the closet for try ons.
Not brush his teeth.
Not brush Girlfriend’s teeth.
Brush Girlfriend’s hair.
Make sure Girlfriend has gotten dressed. (sometimes)
Get dressed in whatever clothes he finds on the floor from the day before that Crissy has not picked up yet.
Go to work.
Download porn.

Crissy doesn’t want to be Crissy.

Crissy wants to be Mister.

And don’t tell Crissy that she should shorten her workout or skip the blog because she just can’t. Her workout is the only thing standing between her, an uzi, and a blaze of glory and the blog makes it so she does not fall asleep at work even though Crissy sometimes wonders why she bothers because out of 1,000 daily readers only 40 or so of you can find it in your hearts to comment and that makes Crissy feel Super Special. Maybe some of you will comment now that you know what Crissy goes through to deliver your morning ya-yas. Maybe? These things are essential to Crissy’s life and the only two things she ever does for herself besides pee and wash her hair.

Crissy would bitch more but it’s 6:45 and Crissy is out of time.

Cows in leotards await.

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  1. I want to feel sorry for you. I really do. But, by 6:45 AM, I’m already at work. And you wonder why I’m scared to death to add a child to our house. As if waking up at 5:00 isn’t early enough…

  2. Yikes.  I don’t understand the snowsuit requirement either.  Our school just requires that we send them for outside time…  That’s a lot of unnecessary work.

  3. And I thought my mornings with 2 kiddies were hectic!!

    Dayum Crissy! I bow down to thee (even though you’ve made me feel like shit for  not working out every day when I’m not lugging a fetus around).

  4. The fact that you work out every day makes me worship you even more. I’m husbandless, childless, and have nothing in my way of working out. Ever.

    Well, the porn gets in the way sometimes.

  5. Damn. There is very little that could make me want to get out of bed at 5:45am. I like to sleep in until 7:45 …it gives me 30 minutes of full panic stress in the morning to get my ass to work on time.

  6. so basically you are telling me that Mister wakes up at 5 in the morning does nothing constructive around the house and still come in 10 minutes late to work past 9 every day? and THEN downloads porn?????

    On a side note i do even less than mister

    i wake up
    brush my teeth
    wake up mrs aznman
    Tell her to wake up the daughter and get her ready for school
    Go downstairs and say hi to mother in law and make sure she has daughters breakfast and snack/backback ready for school
    head in to work

    it takes 15 minutes (20 tops) from the time my eyes open to the time i sit in my car

  7. The more kids you have, the less time you have for yourself.  Around three kids, washing your hair feels like a trip to a spa and going pee pee in peace and quiet is just a fantasy.  Sorry!

    Oh, and you are my hero for sliding in a morning workout!  Like Marie,  I <i>bow to Crissy</i> also!

  8. Hello Ms Crissy, I have been reading your blog for over a month now and thought it was in fact high time to comment. Btw HILARIOUS! This is one of only two blogs I check daily. I have a four year old in pre school is the whole sending them in full snow gear to school makes no sense to me. The one time they actually let the kids outside to play, my little bit still came home with supper chapped cheeks and a cold. It was awesome let me tell ya.

  9. I’ve never understood the whole 45 minute shadoobie phenom.  My hubby does it too.  How can you take 45 minutes to poo?  I mean, seriously, what are you eating? 

    (And yes, I know the real answer is they’re screwing around in there and not actually pooing for the full 45 minutes.  But I get bored after a while in a bathroom – they’re not very exciting places to be)

  10. What?!  With Mister’s busy morning schedule, I find it shocking, absolutely SHOCKING, that he has time to feed the pets.  Really, Crissy, if you tried a bit harder, I’m sure you could add feeding the pets to your task list.

  11. Either you are an overachiever or I am a slacker…. I’ll go with me being a slacker.  I’d like to say this motivated me, but it’s paralyzed me with guilt, to be honest….

    You are way more awesome than I had previously thought… and I had previously thought you were all kinds of awesome…. bows to the QOFE

  12. I read every day! But sometimes I wait until late at night because if I read Crissy too early I feel like I have NOTHING to look forward to on the internet. You are my sunshine.

  13. Will I comment now that Crissy has explained how super-special it makes her feel? Okay, go on then.

    Trouble is, I’m not sure what to say. Er… um… “melon”.

  14. Wow. I feel for you. I really honest-to-god do. It sounds just like us here…so I know of which you speakest. It sucketh bigly. And I think you, as the QOFE, needs to putteth your foot down and taketh a stand.

    I, for one, LOVE your blog, and am glad you get up to do it. I would simply skippeth the brushing of the teeth, and not get dressed. That might save you some time? And maybe take over downloading the porn for Mister. That’s what I do.

    Hope that helps.

  15. Mr.T and Mister should hang out.
    I want to change lives with Mr.T, he has all the fun.
    Mr.T awakens early, feeds pets, makes lunches and is GONE.  All else is on me.  Then home late, sits butt on couch and goes to bed. 

  16. Is it just me or has this blog been enhanced?  I mean, I haven’t been feeling well and the fever may have blinded some of this morning’s text from my eyes, but I’m positive that more goodness has been added at some point today.  Hmmm.

  17. you’re one busy queen in the am.  i admire you.  i don’t have a girlfriend to take care of, and i still have issues getting out from under the his and hers electric to workout in the am when i should!

  18. While it is true that Mister has the better morning schedule, I am sure that he needs his extra rest to insure he can supply you with all the Sexy Time you require and deserve.

  19. Crissy, your blog is my favoritist of all my fun blogs that I read everyday, or most days. Thus, I proclaim my greatest appreciation to the Queen for sharing Her life with Her queefs. And I beseech all the other queefs to comment when they have something to say. Come on, don’t be shy, you know it makes our Queen feel good.

    That said, I hate getting up in the morning under almost any circumstances, and admire all who are able to achieve it, especially at the ungodly hours at which Her Majesty manages to rise.

  20. feeling your pain, sweetness, on both fronts.  And our fronts are freaking awesome.

    My husband is next to worthless in the mornings too.  And what is it with the 45 minute dump?  *shakes head in wonder*

    And then you slave to dump random shit from your head onto a blog page and thousands of people see it and they can’t be bothered to just say ‘damn I wish I was as awesome as you’?  I mean, we KNOW they are thinking it.  Just wish the bitches would put it in writing.

  21. *giggles *
    Hey look at that? There are about 40 comments! Crissy is the queen, and therefore she knows how many of us will comment. *nods*
    I will never doubt again…

  22. I am commenting 1. because i appreciate the morning ya-yas 2. I have a 4yr old and a husband and our morning rituals sounds eerily similar. thanks for making me feel like i was not alone in my craziness. 😉

  23. I found you from a link on Maxie’s blog and have been rummaging through the archives (read: NOT working) for the past hour. Where’s my employee of the month plaque?

    Anyhow, I think you are pretty goddamn amazing. I feel lazy and incompetent and I’m kid free. 🙂

    *first bow to Crissy*

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