You want to know what Crissy’s life is like in the morning Queefs?
Well she’ll tell you.
Crissy wakes up at 5:30am if she’s lucky. On a good day. And she chugs down a cup of coffee and a mint chocolate cookie Pria bar (which taste a lot like Girl Scout Thin Mints, btw) so that she can jump out of bed, brush her teeth, get Girlfriend’s clothes out for the day, go to the basement followed by the kid and the dog, yell “LEAVE THE DOG ALONE!!!” approximately every three to five seconds while at the same time trying to write a genius blog post about something inappropriate and hopefully funny and doing it quickly because if Crissy hasn’t started her hour long workout by 6:45 she’s totally screwed and will never be in the shower by 8:00 to get dressed, make herself into the stunning goddess of beauty and womanhood that the world thinks she is, gather premade lunches, books, and whatever else needs to leave the house, make simple yet optimally nutritious breakfasts, remind Girlfriend to “keep eating!!!” fifty times at least, eat breakfast with her ass on fire running around getting everything ready to leave, brush Girlfriend’s teeth, make sure Girlfriend pees before getting her into her full snow suit regalia that the school insists she show up wearing even though most of the time they go right into the building and take it all off instead of playing outside (Crissy cannot tell you how much this gets her panties in a major twist), buckle snow suited Girlfriend into car seat, drive to the school, walk a mile down icy street to the school while the mommies who are not 6 months pregnant and do not have jobs and haven’t even gotten out of their pajamas yet line their Range Rovers and their Escalades up to fight over the spot right out front, unpack Girlfriend’s backpack and get her situated, and drive to work for 9:00, pee, put her lunch away and sit down at her desk.
Do you want to know what Mister’s schedule looks like Queefs?
Make Coffee for Crissy and himself.
Feed the pets.
Look at laptop while enjoying his coffee in bed.
Yell repeatedly for Girlfriend and Alice from two floors up when he finally realizes they have followed Crissy downstairs. He does not get up to retrieve them.
Perform his morning shadoobie which takes about 45 minutes.
Ignore laundry basket full of clean laundry to be folded.
Back to bed for more computer time.
Ignore Girlfriend as she trashes her room and takes all of Crissy’s shoes out of the closet for try ons.
Not brush his teeth.
Not brush Girlfriend’s teeth.
Brush Girlfriend’s hair.
Make sure Girlfriend has gotten dressed. (sometimes)
Get dressed in whatever clothes he finds on the floor from the day before that Crissy has not picked up yet.
Go to work.
Crissy doesn’t want to be Crissy.
Crissy wants to be Mister.
And don’t tell Crissy that she should shorten her workout or skip the blog because she just can’t. Her workout is the only thing standing between her, an uzi, and a blaze of glory and the blog makes it so she does not fall asleep at work even though Crissy sometimes wonders why she bothers because out of 1,000 daily readers only 40 or so of you can find it in your hearts to comment and that makes Crissy feel Super Special. Maybe some of you will comment now that you know what Crissy goes through to deliver your morning ya-yas. Maybe? These things are essential to Crissy’s life and the only two things she ever does for herself besides pee and wash her hair.
Crissy would bitch more but it’s 6:45 and Crissy is out of time.
Cows in leotards await.
- What the hell got into Kanye West last night? Blame it on the ah-ah-ah-alcohol…
- Some days I wonder why I don’t just run away forever
- A day in the life. OR why vodka is good for lunch.
- Jenny McCarthy will rue the day she laughs at Crissy’s low knee situation!
- I’d rather have my twidget violated, thanks.