The peanut-crunching crowd shoves in to see them unwrap me hand and foot, the big strip tease. Gentleman, ladies these are my hands, my knees.

Crissy’s feeling poetic lately. Yesterday’s title was from Shakespeare, and today Crissy is giving out ten Queef points if you can tell her what poem that line is from WITHOUT GOOGLING LIKE A DIRTY CHEAT.

Crissy has been watching the news again and you know how it gets her fired up and this morning was no exception and so Crissy feels like she has to warn you Queefs about a Very Serious Danger that many of us encounter on a daily basis and we don’t even know it.

Escalators.

They will eat you, you know.

That’s right Queefs. A woman suffered from a “cardiac incident” when she beefed it on the escalator and her coat got stuck in the thing and SHE DIED!!!!

And Crissy can totally understand what a horrible way to go that was because when Crissy was just a wee little Crissy about four years old and she was at the Peerless Department Store with her mom and her grandma, the lace to her favorite red Buster Brown bumper toe sneaker got stuck in the escalator and Crissy’s mommy and grandma started to walk away without realizing that poor little Crissy was being eaten up and she cried out to them as she was being dragged down into the guts of the hungry beast and they had to pull her out of her shoe to get her free and it was Very Traumatic for little Crissy and so to this day Crissy about suffers a “cardiac incident” herself every time she has to ride an escalator.

And you bet your sweet booty that Crissy checks Girlfriend’s shoe laces before she lets her step on one.

Crissy always knew those things were total death machines.

And you know what other dangerous things Crissy knows about and you do not?

Clowns.

You think those squirty flowers they wear to trick you with are soooo hilarious but they’re really filled with poison that will either kill you or make it impossible to maintain an erection. Google that. It’s totally true.

And don’t forget about her garbage disposal. One day it’s going to pull Crissy inside and it’s see ya in a millionty tiny pieces later Crissy.

And anything powered by natural gas. ssssssssssssttttttttt…KABOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And things that spin too fast. You Queefs remember the Turtle Ride Incident of 2008?

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And driving by herself outside a 25 minute radius of her house because Crissy has no sense of direction and also because that’s where the scariest of the scary people are.

And horses. They’re pretty and everything but WHY ARE THEY SO BIG???

ALIENS!!!!

And balloons.

And kites.

And being sucked up into the sky.

Men with facial hair (sorry Jesus, sorry Narm. Brad please shave that thing off your face or we’re through!!! I mean, call me!!!). There’s actually a story behind this one–Crissy was at the grocery store with her mom when she was about 18 months old or so (Crissy was a freak baby and was talking before she was one. Same with Girlfriend.) and there was a guy with a beard standing next to her and she looked at her mommy and said “look at that fucking ass hole momma!” And her grandma was so mad that she left Crissy and her mommy at the store and Crissy’s dad had to come and pick them up. True story.

Hmmmm….what else is Crissy ascared of?

Oh, yes.

PEOPLE.

That’s why Crissy has a blog instead of real friends.

What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet or something.

The time is coming Queefs and Taco needs a name.

It’s not that Crissy doesn’t love the name Taco but she heard that Brangelina is going to name their next rainbow adoptee Taco and Crissy is sick and tired of Brad always copying whatever she does and she just wishes he would stop stalking her.

*private note to Brad from Crissy- Why don’t you return my calls? What have I done to hurt you Brad? I got that restraining order from you yesterday and I don’t understand. I thought you loved waking up to me standing over you at night with a can of whipped cream and a Chicks with Dicks movie. Please call me when that crazy skank isn’t around. We need to talk. I… I love you Brad.

So for a while Crissy and Mister’s list of baby names looked like this:

But they have been working very hard and they gave very careful consideration to all 100,000 names. Of course it took about 3 months to get through it because they did it a few very painful pages at a time every morning while having their coffee.

And from this magnificent book, Crissy and Mister have culled a smaller list of names that they think are really very special.

For a boy we have:

Zero
Teetonka
Warburten
Wood
Schlomo
Ruprecht
Odd
Mister (Mister is particularly fond of this one)
Lloqueyupanqui
Johnson
Ham
Gaylord
Dyke
Dong
Brick
Beaver
Ahdik

And if Taco is a little girl we have:

Wereburga
Vanity
Tequilla
Sukhdeep
Sexburgis
Ramandeep
Noxochicoztli
Notburga
Ngoc
Lesbia
Fukayna
Clitia
Anel

Also in the book the Crissys saw a few other wonderful name combinations that they like as well:

Gentle Fudge
Faithful Cock
Spaceman Africa
Crazyhorse Invincible

As you can see, the Crissys still have a lot of work to do to narrow down the list. You may tell them your favorites in the space provided below and don’t a single one of you think about stealing any of them.

Crissy’s Word of the Week will be brought to you by Mister because he had a good one he’s been saving for you.

Abby Who? Abby Normal.

Crissy had a post all ready for you guys today but then she got a letter in the mail yesterday and it turned into a very important Crissyspage update:

Girlfriend was rejected a second time from the Fucktard Barnyard Snot School.

And they said it was because they expect even the very youngest of children to have a certain demeanor and standard of behavior and Girlfriend does not fit that standard.

What?

Because she acted like a three year old?

What a freak.

Okay.

Fine.

But Crissy is confused because she sat through a hour and a half of them telling her and Mister about how they value diversity and how they are progressive in that they honor each child as an individual with a unique personality and learning style and that they never “teach to the test” but prefer to allow each child to discover things on his or her own in his or her own way.

Oh.

REALLY?

Apparently by “diversity” they mean conformist and a “unique personality” must be one that’s predictable and easily controlled.

And we all know Girlfriend doesn’t play that.

It’s not like Crissy was all that cracked up about it because it was a little stuffy, nay, a lot stuffy and it made Crissy very uncomfortable and what really turned her off is that they didn’t believe in starting kids with reading readiness until kindergarten!!! The place Girlfriend is at now, which by the way has a wonderful reputation and is decidedly not stuffy despite the cunty moms, has already started the 3-ers with reading and to great success so the Barnyard can put that in their hay stack and smoke the shit out of it.

But of course they would never inhale.

And when Crissy called her mom to tell her the news she was very relieved to hear it because she’s been against Girlfriend going there from the start because as she puts it “that place is an asshole factory.”

Crissy is also relieved that they rejected her because it made her feel sad to take her out of the school she likes so much and put her in a snot school. Also she is not surprised that they did not want Girlfriend because she comes from a long line of  crazy bat shit people who don’t really fit in. Even Crissy herself is, and this may come as a bit of a shock to you Queefs, a misfit.  And she still doesn’t get it and she married the resident pervert who is currently working on a coffee table book comprised entirely of pictures taken in every men’s room he goes into and had a kid who is also not like anybody else.  And sometimes Crissy can be seen doing “strange” things around the neighborhood like running around wearing a strap on and a cape or doing a walking demonstration but so what.

(Ladies, if you click on that link you’ll see BREN!! at the end of the video.)

And Crissy suspects that most of you Queefs are also misfits and freak shows because what else would you be doing here and so today Crissy is saying CHEERS.

Cheers to all of us who don’t comply to the standards of behavior.

Cheers to all of the Queefs who are coming with Crissy to paint giant dicks on the school tonight because the hypocrites deserve it so very richly.

And double cheers to the Queef who volunteers to paint giant dicks with his giant dick.

Love is in the air!

Do you remember this guy?

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No?

What are you new here?

Read this.

And this.

And then this.

And Crissy is NOT new here so she knows nobody is clicking on shit so she’ll just tell you that that woodland creature’s name is Frank and that Crissy’s dog Alice is madly in love with him and he’s sort of a bastard because he ate many a plant that Crissy loved like her mint and her zinnias and her sun rays and her sunflowers and her sweet peas (both edible and non-edible varieties) last summer.

(let Crissy just say that if you don’t read the posts you’re really missing something wonderful. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll even pee your pants they’re so good, but if you don’t want to pee your pants that’s your business. Freak.)

And Crissy thought she had seen the last of him until a few days ago when Alice started acting very peculiarly.

She was all perky and stuff and running all over the house and playing very friskily with her squeaky sheep and her squeaky pheasant and she was panting and jumping all around and running up and down the stairs and yodeling (!) and being not very much like Alice at all.

And she wanted to go outside every. two. minutes.

And Crissy just thought it might be because it was 40 degrees outside and Alice had a touch of The Spring Fever but no.

Mister figured it out.

Frank is out of hibernation. The hole under the fence he uses to come into the yard has freshly turned dirt in it.

And Alice is on cloud nine.

If there was a cloud ten she’d be on that.

She woke Crissy up at 4:30 this morning to go outside and see Frank. Actually, that’s not true. The douchebag who decided to go out and start his car and blast house music at 4:30 am woke Crissy up. Alice just insisted Crissy let her out.

And do you know what that dirty bastard gave Alice because of all the varmint to dog tick exchanging that happened during the Schnauzerchuck canoodling?

Lyme Disease.

And god knows what else.

Maybe even Herpes!!!

Or, or, SUPER HERPES!!!

Oh JESUS!!!

Naturally, Crissy is beside herself.

Didn’t she raise Alice right,Queefs?

But just look at her!!

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Brazen little slut!

WHY IS SHE PUNISHING US BY FALLING FOR A BOY FROM THE WRONG SIDE OF THE FENCE???

AND!!

You know who else is also out of hibernation?

The Jehovah Witnesses.

But nobody is excited about that.

And they have young boys with them all the time now.

Crissy is thinking it’s not just the Catholics anymore if you know what she’s saying.

Dirty Foreign People’s Children hustle Crissy for tokens at Chuck E. Cheese and she also sees some skanks.

On Friday Crissy went with her friend Erin to bring Girlfriend and Erin’s daughter Mackenzie to play at Chuck E. Cheese whilst Crissy and Erin who is also preggers prepared to throw down over the last piece of pizza enjoyed one another’s company. And there we were, gossiping about people at work minding our own business when a little girl who looked to be about 6 years old came up to Erin and said “can I have some money?” Thinking that the girl was just confused about where her mother was sitting, Erin just looked at her and shoved another slice of pizza into her mouth the way only a pregnant lady can.

And then she looked at Crissy and was like “that was weird.”

But Crissy didn’t answer because her mouth was full of pizza and “don’t talk with your mouth full of pizza” is her motto because a piece might fall out and that would be wasteful. There are starving children still left that Brangelina haven’t yet adopted and so far be it from Crissy to waste food until all the hungry children bare the Brangelina name and the Global Rainbow Family or whatever the hell they call it is complete.

Right?

Right.

And then a few minutes later when Erin was up helping Mackenzie and Girlfriend with a game, the little girl’s brother who looked to be about 5 years old came up to Crissy and began to hustle her for some Chuck E. tokens!!!! And when Crissy said “no, go ask your mom for some” the Dirty Little Foreign People’s Child kept bugging her and insisted that his mom didn’t have any money for the tokens. And Crissy was getting really mad because he just wouldn’t quit and so Crissy had to get in his face and say very calmly “beat it. I’m not giving you anything.”

He finally went away.

AND THEN!!!!!!

When Girlfriend and Mackenzie were playing a game the two of them went over and tried to force Girlfriend and Mackenzie off the game!!!

WHAT KIND OF AN ANIMAL DOES THIS????

Crissy was so mad you guys. She started shaking and having contractions and Taco was practicing his kung fu kicking because that’s his big sister those kids are messing with and they’re lucky Crissy didn’t let him out to go and set some motherfuckers straight for Girlfriend.

Btw, just because Crissy refers to Taco as “he” do not take that to mean that Taco is a boy. Crissy doesn’t know what Taco is. Maybe Taco is not a baby at all but a Dalmatian.

We’ll see.

The Crissys had some kink going a few months back…

And Crissy looked around for some sort of Dirty Foreign Person to whom these children belonged but try as she might she could find none. They may very well have been there alone for all Crissy could see because nobody was watching them.

And Crissy briefly considered taking them home with her because really you can’t get good help these days unless you train it and beat it and make it live under the stairs yourself and with Taco coming and everything she’s really going to use some extra little slave children to clean the toilets and service Mister and things of that nature but she thought better of it because these are two of the most ill mannered little shit birds Crissy has ever seen.

And it’s not like these were truly needy children. They were both dressed in brand name clothing that Crissy cannot afford to buy for her own child and each of them had on more gold jewelry than Mr. T can shake his dick at so don’t yell at Crissy for not being charitable because it wasn’t like that.

Also of note was the gaggle of teenage girls all chasing after toddlers about the same age while texting friends with their free hand.

Pregnancy Pact anyone?

Seriously.

Crissy doesn’t think she can take the crazy anymore and so will not return to Chuck E’s any time soon.

But the pizza was delicious.

Crissy’s Word of the Week:

Dirty Sanchez: During anal sex, the penis is extracted from the anus and smeared across the upper lip of the receiving partner, thus giving him or her a lovely poopy mustache. This can also be done with fingers. It doesn’t have to be the penis.

While they were hustling customers at the Chuck E. Cheese for free tokens, the children’s mother was in the back getting a Dirty Sanchez from the daytime manager in exchange for some free pizza and a Mountain Dew. No need for tokens.

Help! Help! There’s a Hog in my Kitchen!!!!

Oh Queefs.

Crissy had a bad day yesterday. Do you ever feel like nobody loves you and that you’re fat and gross?

YOU DO???

Crissy does too!!!

And yesterday was one of those days where as Crissy’s friend Nilsa put it, Crissy just feels pregnant.

It’s not even like Crissy has gotten that fat or anything but she feels like she has and it makes her feel like shit because everybody else except Crissy is getting ready for bikini weather and there isn’t a damn thing she can do about it for another three months and change and it’s frustrating to see everybody walking around all skinny and cute with their martinis and their wine and their wonderful beverages that Crissy misses so, so much you guys.

Crissy is chalking her melancholy up to some raging hormones and her baby book said that depression is normal but it doesn’t help make Crissy feel very much better.

And Mister tries to cheer her up and tell her that her ass is still small and hot and firm but it doesn’t help especially after Crissy was in the bathtub last night trying to drown herself relax and he came in and wanted to take a picture of her (somebody remind Crissy to fix the fucking lock on that door please?) and the camera made all sorts of complaining kinds of sounds because it just didn’t want to lower itself to take a picture because Mister couldn’t “find a flattering angle.”

SOMEBODY KILL CRISSY.

Crissy is also sad because Taco has joined Girlfriend, Alice, and Big Pussy’s Cock Blocker Club. Every time Crissy thinks she might like to make Sexy Time with Mister, Taco wakes up.

Let Crissy tell you that there’s nothing quite as un-hot as having a baby kick around inside of you when you’re trying to be sexy. And it’s not like Taco knows what’s going on. He’s just all “every damn time I try to take a nap there’s this bald dude who comes down the hallway and just starts knocking on the door and he wakes me up! I mean seriously! What’s a fetus got to do to get a little sleep up in here? So I kick the door and shout fuck off at him!”

And so Crissy is feeling very mom-ish and awkward and fat and sad. And Crissy misses feeling pretty and she misses her old jeans and her old yoga and her cute sexy panties that aren’t designed to fit around a watermelon.

Sigh.

Crissy has lost her mo-jo Queefs.

And she doesn’t know how to get it back.

She barely smiled at all yesterday.

Not even when she saw this

(fucking watch the video, okay?)

That’s totally fucking funny right?

Not to Crissy.

She was jealous because the bird can lift its leg without kicking itself in the belly.

Crissy would complain some more today but you really don’t care about her malaise and besides.

She has to go and do a new workout

and it says right there on the box that it will “improve your mood” so Crissy is going to try it but she’s a little intimidated by this picture on the DVD:

Crissy has a feeling she’s in for a damn good ass kicking.

Or she might die.

We’ll see.

PS: Tomorrow is Stoogie’s birthday so go over there and wish him a happy happy.

Her name was Linda…La, la, la, na, na.

So last night while Crissy was making dinner her mom called.

She was sitting in her kitchen waiting for her friends to come and pick her up for dinner at a wonderful restaurant followed by a Barry Manilow concert.

And she was talking about how excited she was to be going to see Barry and she about swoons and wets her pants every time she talks about him–” Barry, Barry, oh Baaaaarrrrryyyy he’s so hot!”

Crissy is fairly positive that on those Lonely Nights with her rabbit when she’s not fantasizing about being en flagrante delicto with an undercover state trooper, her mom thinks about Barry and maybe instead of watching COPS she even puts in a little Fanilow porn to enhance the mood:

But Crissy doesn’t really like to think about that because it makes her want to kill herself a little bit.

And she said she put on her cutest outfit for him and when Crissy asked if she remembered to put on new panties and a new bra just in case she gets lucky and Barry invites her backstage for a blow job and a maybe a little finger bang she gasped and exclaimed “OH MY GOD!!! I TOTALLY FORGOT TO BRING A BRA!!! GOTTAGOBYE!!!”

And then she hung up on Crissy.

And Crissy went about stirring the pot of swill she was preparing for dinner when the sun started coming over the mountain and it began to dawn on Crissy.

What does she mean by “forgot to bring a bra?”

Knowing Crissy’s mother and how wonderfully luscious her boobies are for a sixtywhateveryearold it’s very safe to assume that she was already wearing one so what was the spare one for….?

…?

…?

SHE’S PLANNING TO THROW HER BRA AT BARRY MANILOW!!!!

And this would not be blogworthy but it is totally out of character for Linda to do something like that. Crissy would have figured her for a thong tosser but not a bra thrower.

She’s losing her touch.

Clearly.

And in other news, this morning while getting dressed Girlfriend put her panties on her head and danced around making fart noises while shaking her naked bum around Crissy’s room.

So yes.

We’re all stocked up on crazy here.

But that’s not news, really.

It’s just normal.

AND!!!

Crissy needs to thank you Queefs for clicking the ads yesterday! You earned her $10.00! It’s about 80 cents per click so you guys better come here from now on and click your assess off or else you will be de-queefed and you don’t want that do you?

clickyclickyclickyclickyclicky……don’t be shy.

Crissy takes it in the pooper.

You know how Captial One is always all “no hassle” about stuff?
Yeah?

Well they’re not. They’re all “all bullshit” about stuff and Crissy is so, so mad you guys.

Do you know what fucking happened?

Crissy will fucking tell you what fucking happened.

It all started months ago at Christmas time when Mister had a billing problem with Webair and he called them and at first they apologized and said it was a computer error and that the Crissy’s didn’t really owe $600 and so we didn’t worry.

And then Mister gets another bill for another $600 like a week later.

So he calls them again and this time they say we DO owe the money and the money from last time that they said was a mistake because there were “overages” but they cannot prove it or tell him what constitutes an “overage.” It’s like going over your cell phone minutes but not knowing what your limit is and not being able to find out.

So Mister tells them they’re total cunts and to suck his giant dick and goes to Capital One to tell them not to pay it. And Capital One is all “Sure! Don’t you worry about a thing Mister Crissy. You just send us your documents and we’ll send our sword weilding barbarians over to Webair to take some motherfuckers out for you.”

And then they didn’t fucking do it.

They claim that Webair says we owe the money.

Well smack Crissy in the ass and call her Judy.

OF COURSE THEY SAY THAT!!!

And now the Crissys have to pay $1,200 in bullshit money they don’t owe in the first fucking place because Webair and Capital One are douchetards.

Do you Queefs know what $1,200 could do for the Crissys????

It could replace the stairs o’ death that lead to the Crissy’s back yard:

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Look how scared Alice is to use them!!! There’s no railing and they’re steep as hell and there’s no landing and poor little Alice has fallen off of them and into the recycling bin on more than one occasion.

$1,200 could buy the Crissy’s a mattress to replace the 11 year old one that Turtle-like Bovine Crissy cannot get out of without help because it’s so soft and squishy after so many years of wild sexual escapades use.

Maybe a new mattress even comes with the Free Mattress Slut but The Crissys wouldn’t know because they cannot afford one.

What about a fancy new refrigerator that doesn’t freeze Crissy’s lettuce and doesn’t develop rust down the front on a humid day?

Apparently those come with not one but TWO little Asian bitches that Crissy cannot have because again, Crissy cannot afford it.

Somewhere out there there’s a Webair fuckfaceasshole and a Capital One shitbag climbing up death-free steps and screwing a Free Mattress Slut and afterwards enjoying non-frozen lettuce prepared for them by two Asian bitches and it’s ALL ON CRISSY’S FUCKING MONEY!!!!

And that’s not even it!!!

On Monday Capital One sent The Crissys a letter informing them that due to “touch economic times” they are raising our interest rate from 12% to 19%!!!

AND!!!

AND!!!!

We got the bids in for our window job (Crissy swears we’re almost at the end of the windows saga, please let it be true, and then she will shut up about the windows already) and they all came in around $20,000. Problem is that the state lead loan program will only lend us $15,000.

So even with the loan, the Crissy’s cannot afford it.

And this puts Taco as a baby putting everything in his/her mouth at significant risk for catching The Retardation.

Fucked again!!!

Woo-hoo!!

If you’ll excuse Crissy she has to go have a stroke now.