The peanut-crunching crowd shoves in to see them unwrap me hand and foot, the big strip tease. Gentleman, ladies these are my hands, my knees.

Crissy’s feeling poetic lately. Yesterday’s title was from Shakespeare, and today Crissy is giving out ten Queef points if you can tell her what poem that line is from WITHOUT GOOGLING LIKE A DIRTY CHEAT.

Crissy has been watching the news again and you know how it gets her fired up and this morning was no exception and so Crissy feels like she has to warn you Queefs about a Very Serious Danger that many of us encounter on a daily basis and we don’t even know it.

Escalators.

They will eat you, you know.

That’s right Queefs. A woman suffered from a “cardiac incident” when she beefed it on the escalator and her coat got stuck in the thing and SHE DIED!!!!

And Crissy can totally understand what a horrible way to go that was because when Crissy was just a wee little Crissy about four years old and she was at the Peerless Department Store with her mom and her grandma, the lace to her favorite red Buster Brown bumper toe sneaker got stuck in the escalator and Crissy’s mommy and grandma started to walk away without realizing that poor little Crissy was being eaten up and she cried out to them as she was being dragged down into the guts of the hungry beast and they had to pull her out of her shoe to get her free and it was Very Traumatic for little Crissy and so to this day Crissy about suffers a “cardiac incident” herself every time she has to ride an escalator.

And you bet your sweet booty that Crissy checks Girlfriend’s shoe laces before she lets her step on one.

Crissy always knew those things were total death machines.

And you know what other dangerous things Crissy knows about and you do not?

Clowns.

You think those squirty flowers they wear to trick you with are soooo hilarious but they’re really filled with poison that will either kill you or make it impossible to maintain an erection. Google that. It’s totally true.

And don’t forget about her garbage disposal. One day it’s going to pull Crissy inside and it’s see ya in a millionty tiny pieces later Crissy.

And anything powered by natural gas. ssssssssssssttttttttt…KABOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And things that spin too fast. You Queefs remember the Turtle Ride Incident of 2008?

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And driving by herself outside a 25 minute radius of her house because Crissy has no sense of direction and also because that’s where the scariest of the scary people are.

And horses. They’re pretty and everything but WHY ARE THEY SO BIG???

ALIENS!!!!

And balloons.

And kites.

And being sucked up into the sky.

Men with facial hair (sorry Jesus, sorry Narm. Brad please shave that thing off your face or we’re through!!! I mean, call me!!!). There’s actually a story behind this one–Crissy was at the grocery store with her mom when she was about 18 months old or so (Crissy was a freak baby and was talking before she was one. Same with Girlfriend.) and there was a guy with a beard standing next to her and she looked at her mommy and said “look at that fucking ass hole momma!” And her grandma was so mad that she left Crissy and her mommy at the store and Crissy’s dad had to come and pick them up. True story.

Hmmmm….what else is Crissy ascared of?

Oh, yes.

PEOPLE.

That’s why Crissy has a blog instead of real friends.

What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet or something.

The time is coming Queefs and Taco needs a name.

It’s not that Crissy doesn’t love the name Taco but she heard that Brangelina is going to name their next rainbow adoptee Taco and Crissy is sick and tired of Brad always copying whatever she does and she just wishes he would stop stalking her.

*private note to Brad from Crissy- Why don’t you return my calls? What have I done to hurt you Brad? I got that restraining order from you yesterday and I don’t understand. I thought you loved waking up to me standing over you at night with a can of whipped cream and a Chicks with Dicks movie. Please call me when that crazy skank isn’t around. We need to talk. I… I love you Brad.

So for a while Crissy and Mister’s list of baby names looked like this:

But they have been working very hard and they gave very careful consideration to all 100,000 names. Of course it took about 3 months to get through it because they did it a few very painful pages at a time every morning while having their coffee.

And from this magnificent book, Crissy and Mister have culled a smaller list of names that they think are really very special.

For a boy we have:

Zero
Teetonka
Warburten
Wood
Schlomo
Ruprecht
Odd
Mister (Mister is particularly fond of this one)
Lloqueyupanqui
Johnson
Ham
Gaylord
Dyke
Dong
Brick
Beaver
Ahdik

And if Taco is a little girl we have:

Wereburga
Vanity
Tequilla
Sukhdeep
Sexburgis
Ramandeep
Noxochicoztli
Notburga
Ngoc
Lesbia
Fukayna
Clitia
Anel

Also in the book the Crissys saw a few other wonderful name combinations that they like as well:

Gentle Fudge
Faithful Cock
Spaceman Africa
Crazyhorse Invincible

As you can see, the Crissys still have a lot of work to do to narrow down the list. You may tell them your favorites in the space provided below and don’t a single one of you think about stealing any of them.

Crissy’s Word of the Week will be brought to you by Mister because he had a good one he’s been saving for you.

Abby Who? Abby Normal.

Crissy had a post all ready for you guys today but then she got a letter in the mail yesterday and it turned into a very important Crissyspage update:

Girlfriend was rejected a second time from the Fucktard Barnyard Snot School.

And they said it was because they expect even the very youngest of children to have a certain demeanor and standard of behavior and Girlfriend does not fit that standard.

What?

Because she acted like a three year old?

What a freak.

Okay.

Fine.

But Crissy is confused because she sat through a hour and a half of them telling her and Mister about how they value diversity and how they are progressive in that they honor each child as an individual with a unique personality and learning style and that they never “teach to the test” but prefer to allow each child to discover things on his or her own in his or her own way.

Oh.

REALLY?

Apparently by “diversity” they mean conformist and a “unique personality” must be one that’s predictable and easily controlled.

And we all know Girlfriend doesn’t play that.

It’s not like Crissy was all that cracked up about it because it was a little stuffy, nay, a lot stuffy and it made Crissy very uncomfortable and what really turned her off is that they didn’t believe in starting kids with reading readiness until kindergarten!!! The place Girlfriend is at now, which by the way has a wonderful reputation and is decidedly not stuffy despite the cunty moms, has already started the 3-ers with reading and to great success so the Barnyard can put that in their hay stack and smoke the shit out of it.

But of course they would never inhale.

And when Crissy called her mom to tell her the news she was very relieved to hear it because she’s been against Girlfriend going there from the start because as she puts it “that place is an asshole factory.”

Crissy is also relieved that they rejected her because it made her feel sad to take her out of the school she likes so much and put her in a snot school. Also she is not surprised that they did not want Girlfriend because she comes from a long line of  crazy bat shit people who don’t really fit in. Even Crissy herself is, and this may come as a bit of a shock to you Queefs, a misfit.  And she still doesn’t get it and she married the resident pervert who is currently working on a coffee table book comprised entirely of pictures taken in every men’s room he goes into and had a kid who is also not like anybody else.  And sometimes Crissy can be seen doing “strange” things around the neighborhood like running around wearing a strap on and a cape or doing a walking demonstration but so what.

(Ladies, if you click on that link you’ll see BREN!! at the end of the video.)

And Crissy suspects that most of you Queefs are also misfits and freak shows because what else would you be doing here and so today Crissy is saying CHEERS.

Cheers to all of us who don’t comply to the standards of behavior.

Cheers to all of the Queefs who are coming with Crissy to paint giant dicks on the school tonight because the hypocrites deserve it so very richly.

And double cheers to the Queef who volunteers to paint giant dicks with his giant dick.

Love is in the air!

Do you remember this guy?

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No?

What are you new here?

Read this.

And this.

And then this.

And Crissy is NOT new here so she knows nobody is clicking on shit so she’ll just tell you that that woodland creature’s name is Frank and that Crissy’s dog Alice is madly in love with him and he’s sort of a bastard because he ate many a plant that Crissy loved like her mint and her zinnias and her sun rays and her sunflowers and her sweet peas (both edible and non-edible varieties) last summer.

(let Crissy just say that if you don’t read the posts you’re really missing something wonderful. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll even pee your pants they’re so good, but if you don’t want to pee your pants that’s your business. Freak.)

And Crissy thought she had seen the last of him until a few days ago when Alice started acting very peculiarly.

She was all perky and stuff and running all over the house and playing very friskily with her squeaky sheep and her squeaky pheasant and she was panting and jumping all around and running up and down the stairs and yodeling (!) and being not very much like Alice at all.

And she wanted to go outside every. two. minutes.

And Crissy just thought it might be because it was 40 degrees outside and Alice had a touch of The Spring Fever but no.

Mister figured it out.

Frank is out of hibernation. The hole under the fence he uses to come into the yard has freshly turned dirt in it.

And Alice is on cloud nine.

If there was a cloud ten she’d be on that.

She woke Crissy up at 4:30 this morning to go outside and see Frank. Actually, that’s not true. The douchebag who decided to go out and start his car and blast house music at 4:30 am woke Crissy up. Alice just insisted Crissy let her out.

And do you know what that dirty bastard gave Alice because of all the varmint to dog tick exchanging that happened during the Schnauzerchuck canoodling?

Lyme Disease.

And god knows what else.

Maybe even Herpes!!!

Or, or, SUPER HERPES!!!

Oh JESUS!!!

Naturally, Crissy is beside herself.

Didn’t she raise Alice right,Queefs?

But just look at her!!

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Brazen little slut!

WHY IS SHE PUNISHING US BY FALLING FOR A BOY FROM THE WRONG SIDE OF THE FENCE???

AND!!

You know who else is also out of hibernation?

The Jehovah Witnesses.

But nobody is excited about that.

And they have young boys with them all the time now.

Crissy is thinking it’s not just the Catholics anymore if you know what she’s saying.