Oh Queefs!

This is turning out to be a horrible day indeed. Sombody please hold Crissy and massage her back for her and then take Taco for a bit so Crissy can have a proper drink for christ sake.

Crissy should never have turned to her Turn to Ten news this morning because it’s caused nothing but trouble.

She has already learned that today Girlfriend has another one hour delay due to horrendous ice and freezing rain and other sorts of nasty weather bullshit which means Crissy must bring her with to work and Crissy has some really important stuff to do first thing this morning and now she has to do it with Girlfriend.

And she has to drive there in the ice.

A plow truck just spun out in front of the house.

Seriously.

Fuck Crissy.

AND if the delay didn’t complicate things enough, Girlfriend has to be at school at the same time that Crissy is supposed to drive into Providence to a place in a very trafficky and congested construction zone complete with ambulances and other sorts of screaming siren things to pick up her mother after a colonoscopy.

In a fucking ice storm.

Fuck Crissy twice.

(Crissy is certain her mother will be thrilled that she has shared information about the intimate life of her anus with God and everyone on the internet.)

And then Crissy caught a little bit of the Today show and who is on first thing but Ann Fucking Cuntbag Coulter and the total hot molten shit spewing from her mouth got Crissy all fired up which is exactly what Satan’s Bitch intended and now Crissy is just. plain. mad.

so fuck Ann Coulter with a

nuclear war head/surface to air missile/gigantic phallic bomb-y looking thing.

Twice.

But all of this is extraneous information and you probably just skimmed it anyway and you’ll probably skim the rest of this too but what Crissy really wanted to tell you about is how she peed on her poncho yesterday at work.

And we’re not going to argue about the relative fashionability of the poncho because Crissy is preggers and the poncho covers her and keeps her warm and besides the library is not exactly like working over at Cosmo or anything so it doesn’t matter. Crissy could show up wearing swishy pants and orthopedic shoes and nobody would say anything to her. In fact, Crissy is considered the library’s fashionista if that gives you any indication of what we’re dealing with here.

Anyhoodle, Crissy was wearing a poncho and it looked pretty cute and she made her 139th trip to the loo and pulled down her panties and made her pee-pee and when she stood up she felt a wet thing slap her bum.

Sonofabitch.

Crissy peed on her poncho.

So she had to take it off and rinse it out and wear her coat for the rest of the day because it’s fucking cold in the library and nobody wants to wear a pee-pee poncho.

Except for Crissy’s new readers.

They’d be psyched.

Every once in a while when Crissy is so bored at work and Lynne is doing something lame like her job and Crissy is desperate for entertainment she goes over to see what her old friend Doocie is up to.

As you Queefs may or may not know, Doocie tried to bite Crissy’s style by getting pregnant right after Crissy did. But HA! Crissy owned Dooce AGAIN (remember she beat her for Hottest Mommy Blogger? Go Queefs!!) because Taco is due in the beginning of June and her baby is due in like the middle of June.

Pppppppbbbbbbbtttttttttttttttt!!!!

And speaking of pregnant posts, you Queefs need to thank Crissy for not posting about her morning sickness or her sore boobies or Girlfriend’s every thought and feeling on the topic of big sisterhood, or her ultrasound pictures, or what her doctor said about caffiene (sadistic asshole), and the myriad of boring bullshit that Crissy could torture you with but doesn’t because many of you are twentysomethings and babies aren’t even on your radar yet.

Crissy knows you don’t really give a rat’s ass and so you’re welcome.

Crissy will post about pregnant stuff when something worth discussing comes up.

Like she’s doing today.

And like she will do when she goes shopping for maternity pants. It will be fraught with disaster just like any other pants shopping excursion only maternity pants are hideous and you Queefs will love it.

But anyways, so when Crissy went over to read up on Dooce’s latest fascinating escapades she found a picture of Doocie’s “pregnant” belly. It was taken at like 15 weeks or something like that. Crissy wasn’t really paying too much attention but it looked very much like this:

And she’s all “I can’t believe how much I’m showing already!!!”

And Crissy is all “WHAT????”

Now you’ve all seen Crissy in the nakeds (oooo…wait! Crissy AND The Nakeds would be a great band name! We should start a band!) and so you know Crissy is not a large person and in fact was six weeks pregnant when that naked picture was taken so it’s not like Crissy has weight issues.

But seriously?

Crissy may have looked like that when she was five minutes pregnant but at ten minutes pregnant Crissy’s belly looked like this:

That is not a picture of Crissy, FYI.

It could be the wine bloat water retention that made Crissy’s belly look big but come on now!

Crissy is calling bullshit on Doocie.

BULLSHIT!

She had to be sucking in.

Had. to. be.

Oh and there’s another poll for today.

The people seem to like them.

Crissy should start a band and call it

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Or is that just Crissy who likes the polls?

Should we do a poll to find out?

So yeah. Wow.

Christmas and New Year’s are done and we can finally get back to normal around this place. Girlfriend is totally pissed off that she has school today and Crissy is totally pissed off that there’s a one hour delay due to ice covering every damned inch of everything and don’t you know this is the one time when Crissy said “fuck it” and didn’t put her car in the garage?

So now Crissy will be chipping ice for an hour this morning and she’d better get to work because although Girlfriend has a one hour delay, Crissy does not and that means Crissy has to bring Girlfriend to work with her.

Sweet.

Oh. Wait. It is icy. A car just slid right thorough the stop sign at the end of Crissy’s street.

Awesome.

Anycrap, since it’s Monday and everything Crissy has a little business to take care of because everyone knows that Monday is for getting shit done and if it’s not done on Monday you may as well forget about it and leave it for next week because are you really going to feel like doing it on Tuesday?

Hell no and fuck Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday too while you’re at it.

So first off Miss Kiala has clearly been stalking Crissy and she’s got the video to prove it!

Check this crap out Queefs!

And don’t forget to show the girl some love while you’re at it. Don’t be rude.

And then remember how Crissy was all about the posterior last week and everything? Well she never thought anyone would read anything because you about mention the word “holiday” to the internet and everyone runs away for a week or more, but Crissy’s readership was very, very, BIG (even though nobody commented. Thanks!). It was bigger than ever and it’s all because of this story she wrote for Ben about the time she had a little too much of the drinkie and made a pee in Suzi’s bed. Apparently, someone who really digs that sort of thing read the story and shared it with a bunch of other people who really dig that sort of thing and they all came to read it! Even though Crissy and Suzi did not make Sexy Time and then pee on eachother, they thought the story was pretty special just the same.

Well shucks you guys, thank you and I hope some of my dirty little, naughty little Queefs clicked the link and came to see you too.

And Don’t. Worry. Crissy doesn’t judge you because you like pee and sometimes poop. You can do anything that does not involve little children and Crissy will not look at you with her Judgy Judgington eyes.

All that much.

But could somebody please explain this fetish to Crissy because while she thinks shit is funny, she certainly doesn’t find it Sexy.

Stoogie? Mister?

Anybody?

But then there’s a lot of stuff Crissy does not find sexy but other people do.

Like, what up with this for example?

Wait. Crissy feels a poll coming on…

Brad's new mustache is...

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