Crissy’s Not Funny Today So You’re Getting Bitchy Instead & Loving It

Mostly because she’s just had another fight with Mister over getting the motherfucking trash out on time so Crissy doesn’t have to put her boots on and trudge through the ice dragging all the bins out because they’re too heavy to carry unless she wants to bust a uterus and have Taco fall right out in the driveway.

We do this every Thursday morning like a little lover’s ritual.

It’s just the sweetest thing.

He’s got 10 minutes to get his ass out there or Crissy will punch him in the face and then go do it herself thereby making him look like a total shit ass in front of the whole neighborhood. A shit ass and a little pussy boy whose wife beats him.

Anyfuck, this post isn’t about trash cans and shit ass husbands. It’s about “eating healthy” and how much it pisses Crissy off. And Crissy isn’t talking about the actual act of eating healthy foods. She rather enjoys eating healthy foods and she always has. That’s why her ass is marvelous and yours isn’t. Unless you eat healthy foods too in which case your ass is marvelous as well.

Good for you!

You probably also have an excessive flatulence problem coming from your marvelous ass because that’s what healthy foods do for you.

But that’s okay.

Unless you’ve been sharting.

If you shart you’ve got bigger problems than excessive broccoli consumption and you should see a doctor. Also you may want to cut back on the anal fisting.  Crissy doesn’t want to ruin your party but she’s just saying it may be time to consider what you’re putting up there and what it’s doing for you long term.

What pisses Crissy off about the phrase “eating healthy” is that it doesn’t actually make any sense. It’s like “eating retarded” or “eating asshole.” It’s not something you can really do (okay, well maybe the second one is something you can do but you know what Crissy is saying so shut it).

Eating healthy foods is fine.

Crissy will also accept “eating healthfully” or “eating healthily.”

But this “eating healthy” bullshit has got to stop and it needs to start with the media because they’re the ones who started it and they know better Queefs.

It makes Crissy violent.

VIOLENT!!!!

Speak.

Engrish!!!

Okay Mister is coming down the stairs and putting his boots on. Crissy doesn’t have to go out there and drop a Taco in the driveway just to embarrass him.

Thank christ.

It’s fucking cold and poor Taco would certainly freeze to the ground upon contact. It would be a mess.

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45 comments

  1. I liken it to the term “grow the economy” or “grow your business”.  It’s not proper english and I won’t stand for it.  You better lose your bitchiness because we have shenanigans to pull off at work today girlie.  And high kicks.  You know what I mean. 

  2. I’m so glad I’m not the only one in a marriage in which we have knock down drag out fights over stupid crap like who moved the gloves off the couch and put them with the other gloves instead of with the running stuff because I don’t like having gloves on the couch and wanted to put them away somewhere.

    Not that that happened last night/this morning.

    Also, have you seen the Pro-activ commercial where the chick says something like “it’s my little skin care army.  it works the fastest.”  I HATE “it works the fastest” because it sounds so stupid.  Why not say it IS the fastest product or it works fast?  Why use this lady’s stupidity over and over again?  Argh.

  3. WHICH leads into my quarterly rant about the word ‘MYSELF’.  See James or MYSELF if you have questions.  WTF?  W.T.F.?

    Myself does not replace good old ‘me’ in the English language.  I HATE that use of the word. HATE IT.  And everyone is using it.  Like it makes them sound superior or professional or something.

    Is there ANYONE else out there who feels the same way, or am I over-reacting to a simple word?

    Just wait til GF and Taco are a little older.  You won’t HAVE to fight with Pimp to take out the trash.  You’ll have LITTLE people to do your bidding for you!!!!  MUWAHAHAHAHAH!!!!  They love to clean toilets at about 7 or 8, so get the brush and gloves out!  You’ll have a sparkling commode!!!!

  4. Here are just a few of my peeve’s:  supposubly, libary, eckspecially, nucular…I could go on, but I have to teach my kindergarten NOT to say anything stupid (stupidly? both?) today.

  5. You know what bugs the piss out of me?? Stupid ass co-workers that don’t fucking know how to get shit done until the 11th ass hour because then I toss and turn all night FREAKING out about shit I may do wrong just because no one felt the need to inform me of some shit, like, ten months ago.

    A.LJ;FLKJAL;FKJ;

  6. K8, my high school had the word “Washington” in it – there was a magazine sales rep guy who came every year to encourage us to sell loads of magazines (fundraising).  Without fail, he called us “Warshington” – what the crap, there is NO “R” in “WASHINGTON”!!!!!!!

    And I think I work with Deutlich, even though we don’t know each other.  Or at least we work with the same people.

  7. AAAHHH!  My mother-in-law says “warsh.”  There is nobody who murders the English language more than that woman.  She says, “kiddewampus”  and “PERTNEAR.”  My mom now tells me its a hybrid of pretty much and near.  Pertnear.  WTF?  Could you ever say something like that? 

  8. How about when people say, “So-and-so and I….” when they should ACTUALLY be saying MEEEE!

    For example, “Oh, a few of the office gals are coming over to Jeannie and I’s for some anal fisting,” or “Just ask Jeannie or I if you should go fuck yourself.”

    Kindergarten teachers, mothers, and obnoxious great aunts of the world, STOP ingraining this construction into our children! Or I will set you on fire. So there.

  9. mister is a pain in the ass when it comes to cleaning up

    his desk is freaking mess with stains of who knows what from who knows when

    and everytime i tell him to clean it up he tells me i sound like his wife!!!

    plus he calls me Felix all the time….

    what to do???!!????

  10. Oh my God.

    I made Annie’s whole wheat shells and cheese the other night with steamed broccoli AND steamed spinach.

    Poor Dane.

    NOT PLEASANT.

    (Dane always forgets the trash and what is with the leaving of cupboards open all the time? WHAT IS THAT?)

  11. @ Kiala- Dane does it too?  My kitchen looks exactly like that scene from 6th Sense where the mom turns around for a second and all the cupboards are open.  In fact, now all I have to say is “Ken? 6th Sense” and he knows he’d better close the cabinets before there’s a fight.

  12. wow….

    that vid is hilarious!

    “…they do a lot of touching, kissing…even fisting with one another!”

    too frickin funny!

  13. You know, if Taco did freeze to the ground on contact, you wouldn’t have to argue with Mister about a new lawn statue.   Stick some wings on the kid, a gazing ball next to him, and maybe one of those plywood cutouts of a big-butted lady bending over and you will have the klassiest yard on the block!

  14. I’m so the man and my husband is so the woman!  I leave cupboard doors open, I don’t remember to take out the trash…  He’s also sometimes sensitive like a lady.  So, yes I’m the dude – except where it counts!

  15. Hey!! Are you my neighbour???

    Just kidding. Maybe.

    My husband and I fight over that crap too, and he tries to make me feel all guilty, but I don’t because I know it’s his job as the man of the house, just as it’s my job to make him dinner and clean all day long. :o)

  16. I am thinking that’s it’s probably not a good idea for me to watch that video at work. And Ken? You don’t put on pants after work because you know FOR A FACT that you’re going to bed soon. Same with cupboards. That excuse is not going to get you anywhere.

  17. C Pimp- Now that you put it that way…
     
    Traditionally when I lay in bed at night thinking about the first couple getting their freak on, fisting had never crossed my mind. I just figured it was variations of some all time favorites such as the presidential hot karl or the Alabama-Washington DC hot pocket… But the man himself said he’s all about change so I can only assume fisting is not out of the question… What’s next? A daisy chain with Nancy Pelosi and Janet Reno? Now that would be awesome… I’m going to sleep like a baby tonight!!
     
    PS I’m sorry about Crissy hitting you. It means she loves you… That’s what my wife tells me…

  18. Long time listener (… if by “long time”, one means “lurking here for a few months now”), first time caller.

    Let’s remember Apple’s 1997 ad slogan “Think Different.”
    Yeah.

  19. I don’t do healthy. Not with food, anyway. So, you don’t have to worry about me perpetuating the improper English. I also know the difference between there and their. No need for applause.

  20. You know that dude at the party that will come up to a conversation where everyone one is enjoying themselves with some playful banter and makes the highly inappropriate comment. He then proceeds to stand there as everyone groans and walks off. I just realized that I’m that fucking guy! I’m seeing a trend where my comment has been the last comment of the day on many a post…
     
    I suck!!! I’m sorry!!! Come back!!!

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