Crissy’s Not Funny Today So You’re Getting Bitchy Instead & Loving It

Mostly because she’s just had another fight with Mister over getting the motherfucking trash out on time so Crissy doesn’t have to put her boots on and trudge through the ice dragging all the bins out because they’re too heavy to carry unless she wants to bust a uterus and have Taco fall right out in the driveway.

We do this every Thursday morning like a little lover’s ritual.

It’s just the sweetest thing.

He’s got 10 minutes to get his ass out there or Crissy will punch him in the face and then go do it herself thereby making him look like a total shit ass in front of the whole neighborhood. A shit ass and a little pussy boy whose wife beats him.

Anyfuck, this post isn’t about trash cans and shit ass husbands. It’s about “eating healthy” and how much it pisses Crissy off. And Crissy isn’t talking about the actual act of eating healthy foods. She rather enjoys eating healthy foods and she always has. That’s why her ass is marvelous and yours isn’t. Unless you eat healthy foods too in which case your ass is marvelous as well.

Good for you!

You probably also have an excessive flatulence problem coming from your marvelous ass because that’s what healthy foods do for you.

But that’s okay.

Unless you’ve been sharting.

If you shart you’ve got bigger problems than excessive broccoli consumption and you should see a doctor. Also you may want to cut back on the anal fisting.  Crissy doesn’t want to ruin your party but she’s just saying it may be time to consider what you’re putting up there and what it’s doing for you long term.

What pisses Crissy off about the phrase “eating healthy” is that it doesn’t actually make any sense. It’s like “eating retarded” or “eating asshole.” It’s not something you can really do (okay, well maybe the second one is something you can do but you know what Crissy is saying so shut it).

Eating healthy foods is fine.

Crissy will also accept “eating healthfully” or “eating healthily.”

But this “eating healthy” bullshit has got to stop and it needs to start with the media because they’re the ones who started it and they know better Queefs.

It makes Crissy violent.

VIOLENT!!!!

Speak.

Engrish!!!

Okay Mister is coming down the stairs and putting his boots on. Crissy doesn’t have to go out there and drop a Taco in the driveway just to embarrass him.

Thank christ.

It’s fucking cold and poor Taco would certainly freeze to the ground upon contact. It would be a mess.

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posted by Crissy in Don't Look at Me. I'm Ugly in the Morning.,Go sell crazy somewhere else! and have Comments (45)