Crissy was watching the tee-vee again the other day and she should just limit herself to This Old House and America’s Test Kitchen really because most of the other stuff she sees on tv gets her fired up for one reason or another.
Take, for example, the Duggars.
Here they are for you Queefs who aren’t familiar:
That’s Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar and their 18 kids.
And Crissy was going to make some sort of crude joke about how making Sexy Time with Michelle must be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway but then when she was looking for a picture of the family she found this which is way, way funnier:
And the thing that bugs Crissy is that if somebody had 18 cats or hamsters or goldfish or something like that animal control people would be at the door calling them lunatic or hoarder or whatever but people with 18 kids get a huge, huge awesome house and their own TV show all of which they consider to be blessings from God of course and it’s not because people like to ogle circus freaks with clown car vaginas.
The cat horders of the world should unite and write a letter to Jesus or something because that’s bullshit. Crissy’s got his email if any of you Cat Hoarding Queefs want it. She just has to warn you that he might try to sell you a penis enlarger first.
Crissy thinks there’s something seriously wrong with people who have 18 kids and still want for more. Crissy for one is all finished after Taco comes out and plans to beg the doctor to just rip the whole uterus right out or board it up and put a condemned sign on it or something.
And when you watch the show, they seem like nice people and the kids are all beautiful and seem well behaved and you figure maybe these people are just a little eccentric and that’s cool until a little bit of The Crazy sneaks out and then you’re all like “OH! There it is! I knew I’d find it!”
The episode Crissy is talking about is the one when they were expecting number 18 and they were out shopping at the store for some baby stuff because after 18 babies your shit gets pretty worn out and you need more and one of the little boys found a musical toy and started dancing to it.
He was immediately dragged away from it by his older sisters and his father because THERE’S NO DANCING ALLOWED! Jim Bob had to explain to the folks at home that they have to be very careful of the kind of music they allow in their home because “it can get the best of ya.”
We wouldn’t want that now would we Jim Bob?
Children dancing is a horror! BUT they all take violin lessons.
They can play the music, but they’re not allowed to enjoy it.
That makes about as much sense as having 18 kids.
And then the time comes for Jim Bob and Michelle to go to birthing class because apparently they’re rather slow learners and still need to be told where and how the baby is going to come out.
The teacher starts going on and on about “cervical softening” being one of God’s better ideas and for those of you Queefs who’ve never been to birthing class, cervical softening is when you get lots and lots of semen up in there because it has a chemical in it that makes the cervix softer and more flexible for birth.
AND THE DUGGARS ARE ALL ABOUT IT!!!
Dancing is the devil but plenty of good old fashioned fucking for the sake of fucking and not making babies is A-Okay?
Crissy is confused.
And then, AND THEN!!! the day comes when the baby is born and everyone is looking at her and one of her older sisters is clearly in love with her new baby sister and she’s really a beautiful baby and Crissy thought it was so sweet of the sister to be so enamored with her and then she said “she’s fearfully and wonderfully made” and there Queefs was The Crazy again.
Who the hell looks at a baby and thinks of the word fearful except for a bunch of Jesus freaks?
The world outside of Crissy’s bedroom is a scary place Queefs.
Please don’t make her go out there again.