Queefs, Duggars. Duggars, Queefs.

Crissy was watching the tee-vee again the other day and she should just limit herself to This Old House and America’s Test Kitchen really because most of the other stuff she sees on tv gets her fired up for one reason or another.

Take, for example, the Duggars.

Here they are for you Queefs who aren’t familiar:

That’s Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar and their 18 kids.

18.

kids.

And Crissy was going to make some sort of crude joke about how making Sexy Time with Michelle must be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway but then when she was looking for a picture of the family she found this which is way, way funnier:

And the thing that bugs Crissy is that if somebody had 18 cats or hamsters or goldfish or something like that animal control people would be at the door calling them lunatic or hoarder or whatever but people with 18 kids get a huge, huge awesome house and their own TV show all of which they consider to be blessings from God of course and it’s not because people like to ogle circus freaks with clown car vaginas.

WTF?

The cat horders of the world should unite and write a letter to Jesus or something because that’s bullshit. Crissy’s got his email if any of you Cat Hoarding Queefs want it. She just has to warn you that he might try to sell you a penis enlarger first.

Crissy thinks there’s something seriously wrong with people who have 18 kids and still want for more. Crissy for one is all finished after Taco comes out and plans to beg the doctor to just rip the whole uterus right out or board it up and put a condemned sign on it or something.

And when you watch the show, they seem like nice people and the kids are all beautiful and seem well behaved and you figure maybe these people are just a little eccentric and that’s cool until a little bit of The Crazy sneaks out and then you’re all like “OH! There it is! I knew I’d find it!”

The episode Crissy is talking about is the one when they were expecting number 18 and they were out shopping at the store for some baby stuff because after 18 babies your shit gets pretty worn out and you need more and one of the little boys found a musical toy and started dancing to it.

OH.

NO!!!!!!!!

He was immediately dragged away from it by his older sisters and his father because THERE’S NO DANCING ALLOWED! Jim Bob had to explain to the folks at home that they have to be very careful of the kind of music they allow in their home because “it can get the best of ya.”

We wouldn’t want that now would we Jim Bob?

Children dancing is a horror! BUT they all take violin lessons.

Huh.

They can play the music, but they’re not allowed to enjoy it.

That makes about as much sense as having 18 kids.

And then the time comes for Jim Bob and Michelle to go to birthing class because apparently they’re rather slow learners and still need to be told where and how the baby is going to come out.

The teacher starts going on and on about “cervical softening” being one of God’s better ideas and for those of you Queefs who’ve never been to birthing class, cervical softening is when you get lots and lots of semen up in there because it has a chemical in it that makes the cervix softer and more flexible for birth.

AND THE DUGGARS ARE ALL ABOUT IT!!!

WHAT???

Dancing is the devil but plenty of good old fashioned fucking for the sake of fucking and not making babies is A-Okay?

Crissy is confused.

And then, AND THEN!!! the day comes when the baby is born and everyone is looking at her and one of her older sisters is clearly in love with her new baby sister and she’s really a beautiful baby and Crissy thought it was so sweet of the sister to be so enamored with her and then she said “she’s fearfully and wonderfully made” and there Queefs was The Crazy again.

Who the hell looks at a baby and thinks of the word fearful except for a bunch of Jesus freaks?

The world outside of Crissy’s bedroom is a scary place Queefs.

Please don’t make her go out there again.

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55 comments

  1. After a few kids, what’s the point in having more besides keeping yourself poor and loose? They’re not THAT much fun. And I bet you anything that the cervical softening idea was invented by a dude.

  2. I am so glad to hear that someone else has an issue with the Duggers, too.  41 yrs old with 18 freaking kids?  Something just isn’t right, and I’m thinking it’s Jim Bob.  What a sweet DEAL for him, huh?

  3. For some reason you do get sucked into the Duggers.  I just watched the wedding episode of their oldest son.  They had them say in their vows that they will allow God to decide when and how many children that they have.  The also had never kissed, until they were husband and wife, they had not been allowed to even hug.  If you go to their website Michelle was on the pill and got pregnant and miscarried, so that messed them up so much they basically thought all birth control was the devils work.  Two words for them…PULL OUT!!!!

  4. Long time reader/stalker first time comment.   OMG!  The show is like a trainwreck.  I can’t stop watching it yet I can’t quite wrap my head around it.  Who the hell buys the cow before trying the milk?  The hand-holding was nauseating.  Did you see the look on her face when they first kissed?  It was like, “Whoa … that kinda sucked.”   Gotta love “reality” TV.

  5. Yeah, if only the weirdness stops there. You probably saw how their eldest son couldn’t even have his first kiss with his fiance until they were married. WTH?!

    The non-dancing thing was just WAY too weird for me.

  6. Ha! I just had nearly the same conversation yesterday, minus the cervical softening part. My friend pointed out how when Jesus freak hillbilly white people have fifty kids, it’s such a BLESSING, and let’s give them a HOUSE and a SHOW and everyone DONATE to the crazy, but when anyone who’s not white has three or more kids it’s all “OHHHHH, more people RIDING the system! Having babies to get more of my TAX DOLLARS, BLAH BLAH BLAH.”

    Creepy hillbilly freaks.

  7. I forget what comedian said this – but you could walk up to the Pope and say, “Hey I wanna talk to you about Jesus” and he would back away and be like, “Whoa, Freak!”

  8. The fact that they get all that shit donated to them just pisses me off. If you’re going to have Jesus’s kids, then by God, you better be able to pay for them.

  9. Yeah the wedding show was on Sunday…I missed it and it doesn’t air again till Feb. 10; I know I’m going to watch it and I know it’s going to make me uncomfortable and embarrassed but I won’t be able to turn it off.  The  newlyweds have a website with the videoed proposal (awkward as all hell!) and then I found this for you: http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/31760000.html

    My friends and I are simultaneously fascinated by and frightened of them.

    Can we talk about their modesty bathing suits too??

  10. I’m surprised at you, Crissy.  You didn’t even discuss the most glaringly obvious thing wrong with the Duggars.  Michelle’s hair.  Can we talk about that?  Because that is one kick-ass mullet if I ever saw one.

  11. I have four kids that I didn’t give birth to (17, 17, 14, & 12!)  in a tiny ass condo because my mom’s a la douche, and I can’t even get financial assistance for FOOD or UTILITIES. This family had most of that shizit donated and they just keep reproducing. 

    And, with my hubby’s infertility, that kind of reproduction pisses me off. They get 18 and we can’t even have one! 

    I hope her uterus shrivels up and falls out. 

  12. I am so addicted to this show.  Did you see the one where the oldest son gets married?  He and his fiance wouldn’t even kiss until their wedding.
    Barf.
    When do the Duggar parents even have time to have sex?  So many questions…

  13. Maybe they’re having the kids Dane and I aren’t having.

    If so, I am SO MAD at the way my kids are being brought up.

    I mean, who let them out of their cages to go to a store in the first place?

  14. you know, reading about the magical cervical softening properties of cum, i’ve arrived at the conclusion that there are probably thousands of uses for it that haven’t been discovered yet:

    hair conditioner
    facial moisturizer
    shoe polish
    egg substitute
    thickening agent
    window glazing compound
    wallpaper adhesive
    tooth whitener

    the list goes on…

  15. 26. chris

    the thing that’s so sad is if a lil’ duggar is gay (the numbers alone predict it) i’m sure they won’t know a thing about it other than “it’s evil and not god’s plan,” get married anyway (not like they know for a fact hetero sex won’t do it for them- no kissing allowed!) and end up killing themselves or someone else.

    what a disaster!  and they do everything without the rest of the world, school in the home, church in the home, kids raising each other (that’s how the big duggars find their sexy time) -i’m surprised the kids don’t want to marry each other -they’re the only people they know!

  16. I was just talking about this with my pregnant coworker the other day and we did the math and she’s been pregnant for about half of her life and the majority of her adult life. If that isn’t crazy then I don’t know what is.

  17. I’ve never seen the show but one look at those creepy cult dresses on the girls and I knew they must be religious freaks. 

    And, as always, you’re right on all counts.

  18. Sigh. I miss so much on TV.

    Are you sure that the “no dancing” rule is inspired by Jesus and not simply a way to avoid obvious embarrassment? I mean, look at the picture. You can just tell that not one of those people can dance.

    They just need to stop. Based on the pictures above, there is not a fuckable Duggar in the bunch.

    Can I have Jesus’s email, please? I will get this sorted this out.

    I get commentluv.

    stoogepie’s last blog post..Teenslut Slumber Party Zombie Massacre

  19. But I don’t have to get commentluv!

    @Pimp: cum also makes a great fabric softener, especially for those cervix-like articles of clothing.  In addition, it can soften day-old bread.

  20. I love the bun!  I would consider it  to be the condom that the Duggars are not using, but should!  The mustard I guess could be . . . uhmmmm . . . perhaps . . . pineapple flavored lube???  Just glad it was not Ketchup on the hot dog, but at least we would know who was having a monthly visitor . . . 

  21. @ Pimp:  I’ve heard it makes a great denture adhesive as well.  Given the number of times I have seen it put in certain adult actresses eyes I guess it must be good for improving eyesight.  I’m sure the carrot farmers of the world won’t want that information out there.

  22. I just…these people…I can’t…aaargggh!

    Anyway, the reason people like the Duggars breed so often is part of the Quiverful belief that if they produce enough righteous children (insert lame assed Righteous Brothers joke here), they will be able to take over the world with their god-fearin’ army.  Serious.  No, serious.  That’s what they think. 

    Too bad for them, though.  They are waaaay outnumbered by Queefs.

  23. I can’t believe I forgot to mention this earlier today, but the Duggars live within driving distance of me (and in the same town as my dad and brother).  They got an award from the state of Arkansas (where they live, yes, insert hillbilly joke here – but be kind, my parents and a few of my siblings live in AR but are not FROM AR).  anyhoo, the Duggar mom got an award for being a great mom – something like the state’s greatest mom award.  She got it for popping out the 16 or 17 kids she had at that time.  Seriously.  an award.  *sigh*

    Also, to John about the monthly visitor comment – Michelle isn’t NOT pregnant long enough to get one of those. 

  24. A’m I having a 5 o’clock moment or didn’t Oscar Meier have a comercial where the kids say “a weiner is a hot dog without the bun”?

    Daisee I am sure you are right about Michelle.  Good point!  Maybe this is good ol’ Jim Bob’s way of not having to go to WalMart to buy feminine products.  You know Michelle ain’t leaving the house; and Jim Bob looks just the part to be finding the best deal on pads.

    BTW . . . Which is worse?  a) Being born and raised in AR or  b) moving to AR and not leaving as soon as you see the inbread mess that is going on down there?   Could we have a poll please??  We have not had one in a long time.  Topic.  Where is the worse place to be from.  Michelle’s Vag, Ann Coulter’s living room or Detriot (just to name a few)?

  25. A good mother award?  A GOOD MOTHER AWARD??????  Mom has all the older daughters take care of the younger siblings.   THAT’S HOW WE HAVE HOT DOG HALLWAY TIME.  C’mon folks…nowhere in the Bible does it say you can’t use your kids to do your chores for you.

    Jim Bob, I’m sure, sees to it that the siblings watch the youngsters ALOT…….he creeps me out.

    they all sort of creep me out.  Not sort of, REALLY creep me out.

    Stoogie?  I’m hurt.  I’d consider myself…….um…..well……’un’DOable’ by my photo—-but you USED to love me at least, so don’t judge a book by it’s cover.  Maybe the girls are taking lessons from MAMA!!!

    Please don’t tell me they are practicing the technique with PAPA, though.  Ugh.

  26. What’s really scary to me is that at one time my four kids and I were a lot like the Duggars.

    We came to our senses, though, and are all heathens, now.

  27. So many things wrong… Creepy slaves to god’s will. Then Michelle and Jim Bob will turn around and, in home-church, preach to their kids that god gave us free will. You think there’s any free will in having 18 kids?
     
    There are still tribes in South America. Loincloth-wearing, spear-wielding, blow dart-spitting, banana-titting, nose-piercing tribes who have no idea what the outside world is like. The only difference between these tribes and the Duggars is that these tribes aren’t funded and televised.

  28. Childbirth classes! ROFL. All she has to do is take off her granny panties and stand up. The baby will fall out, being caught, cleaned and dressed by an older sibling. Then Mom and dad are off form more sexy time, since there’s no stretch difference between 5 minutes postpartum, and every other day.

  29. the girls are wearing skirts…. that’s not even a challenge for Jim Bob anymore!!! Whats awesome, or troubling, is that all the kid girls are wearing skirts too… I’m worried.

  30. I hate them I hate them.

    I know it’s horrible, but I think they’re so selfish and it pisses me off that normal people can’t pay for their food, but these assholes get it for FREE because of their stupid fucking show.

    On a lighter note– the no dancing thing totally reminds me of footloose!

  31. That show scares me. I mean, seriously – no dancing?? But they’re all about reproducing A TON. Have you seen the one where the oldest boy gets engaged? Apparently the kids aren’t allowed to kiss or even HUG their girlfriends/boyfriends. So after PROPOSING, he asked if it was okay to hug her.

    I had to stop watching.

  32. Ok, what I do not get is the fact that early EARLY in their marriage they used condoms and birthcontrol, and then found god…. like, WTF?

  33. even better… the son that just got married’s wife ends up preggo and he aint even fucked her yet. they’d all think it was jesus version 2. then the baby comes out and it’s mexican. lucy u got some splainin to do

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