Kitty Von Crapp

Big Pussy is trying to kill Crissy.

Here we are as a happy couple last April:

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But now?

Not so much.

It all started about 5 or so months ago when Crissy started having to get up in the middle of the night to eat or else she’d throw up.

And it’s still going on.

Take last night, or early this morning to be accurate because we’re nothing around here if not accurate and totally factual, for example. Crissy woke up per usual at 2:15 am to go downstairs for her snack because god fucking forbid she remembers to get a snack to keep next to her bed.

That would make sense and Crissy just doesn’t play like that.

So Crissy has to get out of bed and disturb Big Pussy who sleeps on her face. She has tried to extricate herself without waking him, but it is impossible Queefs.

It cannot be done.

And that is very bad because if Big Pussy doesn’t get a full 23.5 hours of sleep per day, he’s a cranky pants.

He’s so cranky, in fact, that he has decided to kill Crissy.

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Just look at him!

He’s half-crazed!!!

And his intentions are quite clear as he races her to the bottom of the stairs, turns around as fast as he can, and runs back up, aiming his body directly at Crissy in an attempt to make her fall either through the double windows on the middle landing or tumble down to the bottom of the stairs.

He knows Crissy is sleepy and a little clumsy and that she can see less and less of her feet let alone the stairs these days and so the likelihood of his eventual success is very, very high.

He’s diabolical!

But you know what Queefs?

Crissy isn’t gonna let some punk ass cat do her like this.

She’s going to keep right on getting her Raspberry-Graham Kashi bar and her glass of Rhody Fresh locally milked milk as if there wasn’t a thug waiting to kill her on the stairs.

In fact, Crissy says bring it gangsta.

And just so you know Crissy’s not, well, a pussy?

Here’s a little taste of what she’s capable of:

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That’s right.

Crissy went there.

You sleep with a dog, Homeslice.

And now everyone knows.

Bring.

It.

Crissy is fully prepared to make Mister get up and get her Kashi bar.

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42 comments

  1. I can’t believe it.  We have one brain.  My post today was going to be about a CAT and weird cat things. I’m gonna do it anyway—and if people think I copy off of you, then TOUGH SHIT.  I was thinking of it at 6:00 am this morning.  So THERE.

    p.s.  Big Pussy is cute.

  2. Thats a big cat. Be careful, cats can steal your breath as you sleep. Or maybe I just saw that on tales from the darkside once? I forget.

    and Kashi bars are disgusting.

  3. Dang…you’re bringing the humiliation not only to Mister, but Big Pussy, too?  Even Alice looks a little embarassed.  What’s next?  Pictures of Girlfriend picking her nose and eating it?  Taco scratching his butt and then sniffing his fingers?

    Where will it end?!?

  4. I came from SurvivingMyself because you said you both wrote about animal attacks – now Deutlich is saying you both posted about some kind of bars so I have to go there.   I am in some crazy vicious cycle of blogger comments. 

    At least I don’t have a cat trying to kill me.

  5. I believe cats love us, but also love to torture us.  We have two.  One, who I rescued from the drain of a diabetic coma while my hubby was out of town, loves to play chase in the dark.  I’m going to bed, shutting off the lights, and bam, I trip over orange cat.  Or I’m going upstairs to feed him, and bam, I trip over orange cat.  Come on dude, you kill me and then who’ll feed you?  Oh right, you were with my husband before I ever showed up.  Yeah, true, he’ll probably keep feeding you.  NO appreciation for the fact that I saved you and cared for you while you were dying to death from diabetes, though, huh??

  6. it’d better be big.

    there’s a taco coming out of that sumbitch in 4 months, 13 days.

    that reminds me–we really need to work on the “perineal massage” (aka fisting). 

    nobody likes episiotomies.

  7. Mister:  Make sure you use lots of lube for that!  That’s supposed to help too…  Some dude thought of that stuff!  Seriously!  He turned to his wife one day and said, “I know!  I need to work on your va-jay-jay or the baby won’t come out as well.”  Sure.  Work away!

  8. They have videos like that on youtube?  I need to check that out!!!

    Don’t make Crissy mad!  She might turn that speculum on you!  (The images!)

  9. Big cats think they own that damn place. What’s up with that? My big pussy aka Monkey chews on the wires in the house if she’s not fed every .5 hours. It’s so annoying!

  10. Given the timing of when Big Pussy started trying to kill you, I’d conjecture that he’s just not wanting to have to give up any prime sleeping spots and is trying to take the competition (Taco) out of the running.  A side benefit to injuring you would be you’d be on bed rest and thus prime sleeping real estate for Big Pussy.
    However, having to explain the “sleeps with dogs” thing to other cats is gonna take some fast talking on his part…. so… good call in posting that scandalous pic!

  11. Why do Stoogie’s comments link to his posts, but mine do not? *Ahem* Webmaster? Are they still called webmasters? Maybe we can call Ken Webmasturbator. Isn’t that good?!? Maybe it isn’t. I’ve had serious monkey plague and so the funny is starting at square one.

  12. While it’s obvious Big Pussy is pulling stunts because he’s jealous of the porn hair, it needs to be pointed out that Mister should be grabbing your munchies since it is entirely his fault that you are quickly losing sight of your feet.

  13. ML:   i don’t mind being a webmasturbater.  hell, i’ve been masturbating to stuff off the web for like 15+ years. 

    cum to think of it, just shortening it to “webmastur” is kind of funny.  i think i will adopt that as my new title.

    as to why stoogepie’s commentluv works and NOBODY ELSE’S DOES, who the fuck knows?  he’s special that way, apparently.

  14. I’d be scared of the cat as well! A cat who doesn’t get 23 hours of sleep a day is crazed. The three i live with? I think they’ve all tried to kill me. MULTIPLE TIMES.

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