Crissy Loves Richard and She Doesn’t Care Who Knows It.

And somewhere right now Crissy’s friend Michele just peed her pants a little bit because that’s her husband’s name.

But Crissy doesn’t mean Michele’s Richard:

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But the worshipping is rather nice.

And she doesn’t mean this Richard:

Although, you know.

YUM.

Crissy means this one:

And she loves him in a way that isn’t even right or appropriate or anything.

Crissy wants to keep him as her pet poodle and she wants him to hold her when she cries and give her a pep talk when she needs one in that very special sparkly way that only Richard has.

And Crissy wants to know why Mister isn’t her little poodle.

She bedazzled all his wife beaters for him so WTF?

You Queefs have seen the way Richard comforts and loves people and cries with them and encourages them.

RIGHT?

Tell Crissy you don’t need him too and Crissy will shout “liar, liar, pants on fire!” right at you because everybody needs cute little glittery fuzzy headed Richard.

And if you don’t there’s something wrong with you.

Most of all though Queefs, Crissy needs Richard in her kitchen every morning to make her a banana mango smoothie, tell her she’s pretty, smack her on the ass, and then lead her in an hour of Disco Sweat.

Doesn’t that sound wonderful?

If any of you Queefs can make that happen Crissy would be eternally grateful and may even bestow upon you the title of Royal Twidget Shaver because Crissy can’t see hers anymore.

Or maybe Richard would want to help her with that too…

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31 comments

  1. I love him too.  I’m not ashamed.  He’s very LOVING and CARING.  And here’s the thing…he’ll smack you on the ass every morning after making your smoothie and NOT EXPECT ANYTHING in return.  He’s just giving like that.

    Although he may make you change Taco’s name to Mexican Bean Salad with Low Fat Yogurt Dressing or something.

  2. But do you really want to deal with all the crying every day.  Oh look, Crissy pooped in the potty.  WAHHHHH.  Girlfriend didn’t t-bag Mister this morning. WAAAHHHH.  It would get overwhelming. 

    However, the encouraging and comforting on the overly-emotional days?  I could live with that.  The tricking me into thinking exercise is fun?  Okay.

  3. Richard really could be the gay bff you’ve longed for all your life…

    And it’s funny that you wrote this today–I was talking with a co-worker about why I won’t wear gray ala “Little Richard Simmons”, circa Eddie Murphy when he was funny….how ever many years ago that was:

    “Never wear battleship gray–10,000 sailors might try to board you!”

  4. I used to work out faithfully to his LP album with the directions right in front of me. I heart him.

    And he’s totally gay Ken. I mean, seriously.

  5. Pimp—why oh why does it even MATTER if RS is gay?  He’s loving, giving and fun, to boot!!

    Guys are so hung up on gay or not gay—-although I must agree that I’d love me a gay BFF—-but it’s slightly awkward to reject people on the fact that they AREN’T gay….so any FABULOUS male is welcome to be my BFF.

  6. My Mom met Richard in Paris at a jewelry store in May.  So, like.. he could be my new daddy soon.  I *might* be able to hook you up.  To be honest though, I’m not very good at shaving my own twidget,  so you wouldn’t want my help.  You should find a good hair ripper outer bitch waxer.

  7. ok so after a lot of soul searching, i realized i can:

    make a banana mango smoothie (and i won’t even ask you to make it an ass smoothie, either)

    tell you you’re pretty–WHICH I ALREADY DO ALL THE TIME

    smack you on the ass–WHICH I ALREADY DO ALL THE TIME

    and then lead you in an hour of Disco Sweat–epic fail

    Royal Twidget Shaver–THAT’S MY FUCKING TITLE DAMNIT

    as a result i have no choice but to file a grievance with the union over this issue, because i feel my position in the company is being unfairly taken away.

  8. I guess I thought after the Pussy Post yesterday that you were balancing things out with Richard = Dick.

    Looking forward, though, to the tales of “binding arbitration” brought on by the grievance being filed.

  9. Something tells me Richard would be pass out if he ever came near it. 

    That sounded bad, but it’s not because you stink, it’s because he’s gay, you know?  Get it?  I know.  I’ll stop now.

  10. I had never really thought about this before. I don’t know how I’ve survived this long with out Richard smacking my ass this morning. Thanks for bringing this to my attention. Although, I don’t know how I’ll survive now knowing what I’m missing…

  11. Can you please tell me why ALL of your entries from this week showed up in my reader this morning?! I AM SAD I DIDNT GET MY CRISSY FILL FOR THE WEEK UNTIL NOW!

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