I <3 Boobs

And so The Turn to Ten News redeemed itself this morning and thank Jesus it did because Crissy had no post until about two minutes ago when they reported that a town in Maine is all in a kerfuffle because somebody is trying to open a topless coffee shop there.

OH THE HORROR!!!

Apparently they’re upset because it’s a “family town” and they don’t want to attract the “wrong type of people.”

Crissy is confused.

The wrong type of people are who exactly?

People with boobs?

People who like boobs?

Everybody has boobs and everybody likes boobs.

Here are some boobs right now:

boobs.jpg

Wasn’t that nice?

You’re welcome.

And oh my GOD the HORROR!! WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN!!!!!

We can’t let them see boobs or people who have boobs or people who like boobs!

They will become prostitutes and porn mongers and we will all go to hell in a hand-basket!

(WTF is a hand-basket anyway?)

And Crissy has news for those people. Everyone is a prostitute in some way and everyone likes porn. They just don’t admit it.

Anyhooters, after telling the story, Crissy’s favorite local news reporter dude,

Frank Coletta, just looked at the camera and was silent for about 10 seconds and you know he was trying his hardest not to say all of the things Crissy has just said.

And that’s because Frank is a man who likes boobs. In fact, he’s probably a motorboatin’ son of a bitch.

He’s also been known to crumple up a story about Britney Spears or J-Lo, throw it behind his shoulder, and say “I feel dirty having just reported that.”

That’s why Crissy loves this man.

And Crissy loves boobs.

And now she’s considering opening a chain of topless coffee houses, preferably in a family neighborhood just to fuck with people.

Your suggestions for potential names are welcome below.

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51 comments

  1. We already have too many of those in the Seattle area. There’s the Sweet Spot Cafe, Cowgirls Espresso, Bikini Espresso and more. I’ve never been to one because I already have boobs and am only interested in body parts I don’t already have BUT I wanna see what they offer as a subsitute for cow’s whole milk. Soy milk, rice milk… human milk?

  2. I miss seeing Frank Coletta in the mornings.  Good to know he’s still on the air, and yeah, knowing him, he was more than likely suppressing a big ol’ “What the FU–“

  3. “Sip’n Nips”

    You’re so fookin’ hilarious Crissy.  And I really appreciate the reminder. I haven’t been motorboated in a while, so that must be why I’m so cranky lately.

    And where the hell are the coffee houses with all male servers?!
    “Cup’O Cock” or whatever!

  4. boobs n’ brew
    mugs & jugs

    and of course the sizes for cups would be b, c, d, or dd for the extra large!
    and the creamers would have to look like this:

  5. the boob mug didn’t show up!  Gah!

    just google boob mug and then you’ll know what I mean…if you don’t already!

  6. Queef’s Boobs
    Cafe a la Jugs
    Boobalicious
    Coffee and Creamers (hahaha-sorry, I laugh at my own stuff sometimes)

    That’s all I could come up with now.

  7. I like Mugs & Jugs.  And I totally want to go to Cup o Cock.  Turn about is fair play!

    If you turn it into a whore house, you can call it Cafe au Laid (pronounced with the silent “d”  like cafe au lait of course).  Folks could get coffee and ‘tang all in the same place.

  8. people who think breastfeeding is obscene really make me mad.

    fucking puritans.

    the only reason tits are such a big deal is because we’re always hiding them.  nobody gives a shit about tits in europe!

  9. I think you should go work there. Correct me if I’m wrong but with a taco comes lactation. This way you cream the coffee right at the counter and help us java lovers skip having to do it ourselves… Genius… I know

  10. Shit… I forgot that there is many a clever reader of this blog and realized after I had posted about half the comments would have beaten me to the creamy punch… After going back and reading the comments I found I was right and therefore I suck…sorry

  11. They are trying to nay say boobs. This  can not be tolerated. Every man and woman should be  entitled to boobs when ever they want. Oh wait they are. We have the internet, where you can see boobs for free all the time.

    Though it would be nice to have a cup of coffee brought to me by a topless woman with a great rack. Definitely would be someplace I would want to shoot one of my video posts from.

  12. I hate to shit on everyone’s parade (and then barf it back into your mouths — that’s right, right Ken?) but these topless women are going to get scalded. Badly. I worry about their delicate skin and their pretty breasts and their wonderful nipples. I worry. That’s all.

  13. New to your blog.  Love it!  Keep up the great job.

    Melissa is rightfully concerned about the scalding.  So instead of hot coffe maybe you could serve cold coffee drinks.  The cold would be better for business as it would make the servers and the customers stand out and/or up.   Of course the hot pancakes would be good too;  and after the green pants picture how about some nice “cream” of spinach soup?   Just thinking outloud.

  14. Crissy’s Perky Spot, and I would like to request a frequent filler card.  This looks like a perfect topic for a poll.

  15. There are a ton of those types of places around here. My favorite name that I’ve seen is “Natte Latte”. Much more clever than the Sweet Spot. Although, the Sweet Spot has a sign up that says, “Hot Coffee, Hotter Baristas.”

  16. In my neck of the woods our city board tried to keep Hooters from opening because OMG you might see Hooters there!! True Story. Well it didn’t work so Hooters is here and most of the time you can see the City Board eating at Hooters. Go Figure!!!

  17. i think the coffee place should be called

    milk in your coffee?
    not really great but if this place ever opens up, if your a bloke and you walk in topless, you should get a feel

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