And so The Turn to Ten News redeemed itself this morning and thank Jesus it did because Crissy had no post until about two minutes ago when they reported that a town in Maine is all in a kerfuffle because somebody is trying to open a topless coffee shop there.
OH THE HORROR!!!
Apparently they’re upset because it’s a “family town” and they don’t want to attract the “wrong type of people.”
Crissy is confused.
The wrong type of people are who exactly?
People with boobs?
People who like boobs?
Everybody has boobs and everybody likes boobs.
Here are some boobs right now:
Wasn’t that nice?
You’re welcome.
And oh my GOD the HORROR!! WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN!!!!!
We can’t let them see boobs or people who have boobs or people who like boobs!
They will become prostitutes and porn mongers and we will all go to hell in a hand-basket!
(WTF is a hand-basket anyway?)
And Crissy has news for those people. Everyone is a prostitute in some way and everyone likes porn. They just don’t admit it.
Anyhooters, after telling the story, Crissy’s favorite local news reporter dude,
Frank Coletta, just looked at the camera and was silent for about 10 seconds and you know he was trying his hardest not to say all of the things Crissy has just said.
And that’s because Frank is a man who likes boobs. In fact, he’s probably a motorboatin’ son of a bitch.
He’s also been known to crumple up a story about Britney Spears or J-Lo, throw it behind his shoulder, and say “I feel dirty having just reported that.”
That’s why Crissy loves this man.
And Crissy loves boobs.
And now she’s considering opening a chain of topless coffee houses, preferably in a family neighborhood just to fuck with people.
Your suggestions for potential names are welcome below.
Perky Puppies?
We already have too many of those in the Seattle area. There’s the Sweet Spot Cafe, Cowgirls Espresso, Bikini Espresso and more. I’ve never been to one because I already have boobs and am only interested in body parts I don’t already have BUT I wanna see what they offer as a subsitute for cow’s whole milk. Soy milk, rice milk… human milk?
java jugs?
mocha mams?
the chesticle cafe?
btw, this is a MUCH better pic of boobs:
Starboobs
Grabba Java (and Boobs)
Nescafé & Nipples
Boob Café
I miss seeing Frank Coletta in the mornings. Good to know he’s still on the air, and yeah, knowing him, he was more than likely suppressing a big ol’ “What the FU–”
Ummm… Let’s see… I just woke up so this is probably strikin’ me funnier than it will anyone else…
D Cup Cafe
“Sip’n Nips”
You’re so fookin’ hilarious Crissy. And I really appreciate the reminder. I haven’t been motorboated in a while, so that must be why I’m so cranky lately.
And where the hell are the coffee houses with all male servers?!
“Cup’O Cock” or whatever!
sheesh, I need a permalink to the Urban Dictionary, Crissy…..motorboating?? You are givin’ me quite an eddycation
I’d call it the “Tata Cafe”
boobs n’ brew
mugs & jugs
and of course the sizes for cups would be b, c, d, or dd for the extra large!
and the creamers would have to look like this:
the boob mug didn’t show up! Gah!
just google boob mug and then you’ll know what I mean…if you don’t already!
Please call it: D-cup of Joe.
Queef’s Boobs
Cafe a la Jugs
Boobalicious
Coffee and Creamers (hahaha-sorry, I laugh at my own stuff sometimes)
That’s all I could come up with now.
WAY too many creamer jokes going through my head right now.
But first I want an application. I have a nice man-rack I swear.
I like Mugs & Jugs. And I totally want to go to Cup o Cock. Turn about is fair play!
If you turn it into a whore house, you can call it Cafe au Laid (pronounced with the silent “d” like cafe au lait of course). Folks could get coffee and ‘tang all in the same place.
Cream in My Cup. I don’t know.
Crissy’s Coffee House!! We have a large variety of cup sizes!!
Filling out the cups
i wouldn’t work there, but i’d definitely go there.
I love boobs
Sexpresso.
I <3 Boobs.
There’s a strip joint back home called Mugs & Jugs, and now all I can think about is boobies.
Did you hear about facebook pulling pictures of women breastfeeding and call them inappropriate? Why’s everyone hating the boobies?
k8 wins. Sexpresso is FAB!
I mean, they’ll either turn them in to porn mongers or gays, so they just need to take their pick.
people who think breastfeeding is obscene really make me mad.
fucking puritans.
the only reason tits are such a big deal is because we’re always hiding them. nobody gives a shit about tits in europe!
“Two Lumps”
Moobs.
Right? Ladies and gays? Am I right?
I think you should go work there. Correct me if I’m wrong but with a taco comes lactation. This way you cream the coffee right at the counter and help us java lovers skip having to do it ourselves… Genius… I know
Shit… I forgot that there is many a clever reader of this blog and realized after I had posted about half the comments would have beaten me to the creamy punch… After going back and reading the comments I found I was right and therefore I suck…sorry
They are trying to nay say boobs. This can not be tolerated. Every man and woman should be entitled to boobs when ever they want. Oh wait they are. We have the internet, where you can see boobs for free all the time.
Though it would be nice to have a cup of coffee brought to me by a topless woman with a great rack. Definitely would be someplace I would want to shoot one of my video posts from.
I hate to shit on everyone’s parade (and then barf it back into your mouths — that’s right, right Ken?) but these topless women are going to get scalded. Badly. I worry about their delicate skin and their pretty breasts and their wonderful nipples. I worry. That’s all.
I don’t think you need anything creative for your coffee shop. Just call it Crissy’s.
And offer endless pancakes.
ooo, pancakes. good idea, arjew!
lots of folks like pancakes.
kiala: there really isn’t any purpose for moobs… truly an orphan of large body parts.
I vote for Grabba Java (and Boobs)
I can hear the jingle now…
New to your blog. Love it! Keep up the great job.
Melissa is rightfully concerned about the scalding. So instead of hot coffe maybe you could serve cold coffee drinks. The cold would be better for business as it would make the servers and the customers stand out and/or up. Of course the hot pancakes would be good too; and after the green pants picture how about some nice “cream” of spinach soup? Just thinking outloud.
My boobs and I would TOTALLY work for you. No question.
Crissy’s Perky Spot, and I would like to request a frequent filler card. This looks like a perfect topic for a poll.
There are a ton of those types of places around here. My favorite name that I’ve seen is “Natte Latte”. Much more clever than the Sweet Spot. Although, the Sweet Spot has a sign up that says, “Hot Coffee, Hotter Baristas.”
I’ve got nothing– there are too many good ideas on here already.
I love Frank Coletta too! He often has a shit-eating grin!
And I like D cup cafe or Tata cafe…
Areola’s?
In my neck of the woods our city board tried to keep Hooters from opening because OMG you might see Hooters there!! True Story. Well it didn’t work so Hooters is here and most of the time you can see the City Board eating at Hooters. Go Figure!!!
Cuppa Jugs?
I’d buy coffee from such an establishment.
Hows abouts “Mounds and Grounds” or “The Double Shot”?
[...] Speaking of nipples, remember how Crissy wanted to open up a topless coffee shop like the one in Maine? The townspeople burned the mother down! Thank Jesus Crissy didn’t open [...]
i think the coffee place should be called
milk in your coffee?
not really great but if this place ever opens up, if your a bloke and you walk in topless, you should get a feel
holy fuck man u right suck on them tits ahahahahahahahahha get that milk motherfucker