And so The Turn to Ten News redeemed itself this morning and thank Jesus it did because Crissy had no post until about two minutes ago when they reported that a town in Maine is all in a kerfuffle because somebody is trying to open a topless coffee shop there.
OH THE HORROR!!!
Apparently they’re upset because it’s a “family town” and they don’t want to attract the “wrong type of people.”
Crissy is confused.
The wrong type of people are who exactly?
People with boobs?
People who like boobs?
Everybody has boobs and everybody likes boobs.
Here are some boobs right now:
Wasn’t that nice?
And oh my GOD the HORROR!! WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN!!!!!
We can’t let them see boobs or people who have boobs or people who like boobs!
They will become prostitutes and porn mongers and we will all go to hell in a hand-basket!
(WTF is a hand-basket anyway?)
And Crissy has news for those people. Everyone is a prostitute in some way and everyone likes porn. They just don’t admit it.
Anyhooters, after telling the story, Crissy’s favorite local news reporter dude,
Frank Coletta, just looked at the camera and was silent for about 10 seconds and you know he was trying his hardest not to say all of the things Crissy has just said.
And that’s because Frank is a man who likes boobs. In fact, he’s probably a motorboatin’ son of a bitch.
He’s also been known to crumple up a story about Britney Spears or J-Lo, throw it behind his shoulder, and say “I feel dirty having just reported that.”
That’s why Crissy loves this man.
And Crissy loves boobs.
And now she’s considering opening a chain of topless coffee houses, preferably in a family neighborhood just to fuck with people.
Your suggestions for potential names are welcome below.