Ann Coulter is a Total Douche Princess

Oh Queefs!

This is turning out to be a horrible day indeed. Sombody please hold Crissy and massage her back for her and then take Taco for a bit so Crissy can have a proper drink for christ sake.

Crissy should never have turned to her Turn to Ten news this morning because it’s caused nothing but trouble.

She has already learned that today Girlfriend has another one hour delay due to horrendous ice and freezing rain and other sorts of nasty weather bullshit which means Crissy must bring her with to work and Crissy has some really important stuff to do first thing this morning and now she has to do it with Girlfriend.

And she has to drive there in the ice.

A plow truck just spun out in front of the house.


Fuck Crissy.

AND if the delay didn’t complicate things enough, Girlfriend has to be at school at the same time that Crissy is supposed to drive into Providence to a place in a very trafficky and congested construction zone complete with ambulances and other sorts of screaming siren things to pick up her mother after a colonoscopy.

In a fucking ice storm.

Fuck Crissy twice.

(Crissy is certain her mother will be thrilled that she has shared information about the intimate life of her anus with God and everyone on the internet.)

And then Crissy caught a little bit of the Today show and who is on first thing but Ann Fucking Cuntbag Coulter and the total hot molten shit spewing from her mouth got Crissy all fired up which is exactly what Satan’s Bitch intended and now Crissy is just. plain. mad.

so fuck Ann Coulter with a

nuclear war head/surface to air missile/gigantic phallic bomb-y looking thing.


But all of this is extraneous information and you probably just skimmed it anyway and you’ll probably skim the rest of this too but what Crissy really wanted to tell you about is how she peed on her poncho yesterday at work.

And we’re not going to argue about the relative fashionability of the poncho because Crissy is preggers and the poncho covers her and keeps her warm and besides the library is not exactly like working over at Cosmo or anything so it doesn’t matter. Crissy could show up wearing swishy pants and orthopedic shoes and nobody would say anything to her. In fact, Crissy is considered the library’s fashionista if that gives you any indication of what we’re dealing with here.

Anyhoodle, Crissy was wearing a poncho and it looked pretty cute and she made her 139th trip to the loo and pulled down her panties and made her pee-pee and when she stood up she felt a wet thing slap her bum.


Crissy peed on her poncho.

So she had to take it off and rinse it out and wear her coat for the rest of the day because it’s fucking cold in the library and nobody wants to wear a pee-pee poncho.

Except for Crissy’s new readers.

They’d be psyched.

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  1. Ugh!  I hate days that start out like that.  I hope yours gets better and that mom’s colonoscopy goes well. 

    If it doesn’t get better soon, I’ll take Taco for a bit so you can drink.  Then I’ll give Taco to someone else so I can drink too.  We Queefs ought to be good for something!

  2. Funny!  Back in the 70s my mom had long gross 70s hair (part of the 80s too, but that’s her fashion issue) anyway,  she would pee on her HAIR!  UGH!
    Ponchos ARE cute on pregos btw! 

  3. Dayum! What a start to the day!

    I have a pressing question.  If  “that woman” aka “she who must not be named” were to be fucked with a warhead, how many cases of KY Jelly would it take for proper lubrication??


  4. ok, so i’m going to go pick up your mom for you.

    i figured after her colonoscopy she’s going to be clean as a whistle, already stretched out, and a little groggy from the anesthesia.

    giggity giggity.

  5. I wish I could laugh at poor Crissy…peeing on ponchos…but it’s only funny if you’ve never done it.


    And Ann Coulter is Satan’s mistress.  Did she show up again in last night’s prom dress all ruffled from the Republican blow jobs she had to give?

  6. So, I might have had the explosive diarrhea one day and it may have splashed back up onto her white sweater from the toilet bowl. And she might have walked around for several hours until someone asked her what was on her back.

    Stinky fucking poo.

  7. Oh lady, any chance you could crawl back into your warm bed and have someone else take care of all this for you as you call in “sick” to work?

    Poor Crissy. Not cool.

  8. I’ll take Taco so Crissy can have a real drink. I’ve been working for my own version of  Taco for over two years. Happy to help.
    Hope your day improves.

  9. I’m sorry you’re having a rough day, but I’m chortling nonetheless because I just found out what “queef” means. All this time I’ve  thought it was just an adorable little nonsense word that sounded kind of nice and was easy to type until Daniel walked by the other day while I was reading your blog and sort of snickered and said, “She calls her readers queefs?”  And I, suddenly alerted (!) to the possibility of meaning, asked him what it meant and he refused to tell me and so I had to look it up on urban dictionary.  It’s funny!  And there are variations, too.  Queef Cordon Bleu, Queef Bag, and so on.  I know. I”m a dork. I’m afraid I am just too slow for this blog.

    That said, that was pretty much my favorite response to Ann Coulter ever.

  10. michele, you amaze me.

    first you had no idea what 2g1c (aka two-girls-one-cup) is, and now you tell us you didn’t know what a queef is?

    thank god daniel is still in the house, and thank god you read this blog. there’s hope for you yet.

  11. I haven’t done the pee on poncho bit but I have dragged my scarf through Dingo Girl’s poop as I was bending down to pick it up with the doggy poop bags. 

    Then again, anytime I hear or see anything about Ann Douchebag Hasn’t She Already Had Her 15 Minutes Of Fame Why Is She Even Relevant Coulter, I feel as if my brain has been dragged through a pile of shit.

  12. Now peeing on stuff is something I won’t miss if I turn out to be infertile.  

    You know what?  please write a post about how much a pain in the ass pregnancy is so that I stop idolizing it in my head.  Right now all I can remember is how great it was to be able to eat whatever you wanted.  I need to have it’s image soiled a little so that I won’t be too upset if we find out my ovaries have packed up and moved on….

  13. Melissa- Two girls one cup is a video in which two girls shit in a cup, eat it, and take turns puking it into each other’s mouths.  Sorry you asked aren’t you.  And my new readers are people who belong to a message group thing about golden showers and um, I guess they call it brown showers.  They liked my post about how I wet the bed once.  Go figure, but all are welcome here!  Except Ann Coulter.  She can suck a fat missile.

  14. Oh no! A peepee poncho is no good! I once peed on my sweater’s tie belt. Gross. And there was nothing I could do about it except for try to rinse it out the best I could. I was stuck wearing it the rest of the day at work. Ew.

    Also, I just got an email from a guy who typed pee instead of fee. I giggled like a school girl.

    And who are these readers who don’t know what 2g1c is?!?!  Seriously, if they are on the internet then they should know what it is.  (Note: Knowing what it is does not mean that I’ve seen it b/c I haven’t and NEVER want to. I’ve heard horror stories of people w/ nightmares and day frights from it.)

  15. Colonoscopies and pee ponchos?  I can’t wait to see your search results after this post.

    And Hi Chrissy’s Mom – congrats on the clean butt.

  16. Oh, it’s okay! I was at the Capital One Bowl last weekend and in my desperation to stay several feet away from the filthy toilet I was peeing in and not touch ANYTHING in the stall, I peed all over my left leg. It kept me nice and cool during the game.

  17. If it in any way comforts you, I have a different theory about your poncho. Rather than peeing ON it, I would wager the poncho just fell into the toilet water, which contained your pee. So technically, the pee to toilet water ratio would be much lower in this scenario. Does that comfort you? At all? It’s just toilet water, Chrissy! Jesus.

  18. i say this ALL THE TIME but people don’t seem to get it:

    pee is sterile.

    yeah, it may be smelly, but you aren’t going to get ill from it. 

    unlike poop, which as we all know, is NOT sterile, and can make you sick if you ingest it–as those crazy brazilian girls do out of one cup (though there is a claim that while the pooping is real, the eating of the poop as seen on the 2g1c video is actually some replacement impostor foodstuff).

    of course you might also get ill if you’re performing a lot of spontaneous (here’s another acronym for your queefs today) a2m or atm. i say “spontaneous” because it’s nothing a nice warm soapy enema can’t fix, or–as in your mom’s case–a few days of colonoscopy prep.

  19. 2g1c….I had no idea.

    a2m:  is this some sort of rim job reference?

    *she asked while her second graders read to her*

  20. Thank you for explaining 2g1c.  I didn’t know of that one at all.  I know atm, or a2m.  It’s short for ass-to-mouth, when a girl is getting fucked in the ass and then the guy takes his penis out of her anus and sticks it in her mouth.   It’s pretty common on porno sites – maybe some girls like it, but probably most just like the money they earn from doing it.

    I actually got here from a link on the wetting message board- I’m one of those who likes to pee in my pants.

  21. Thank you for explaining 2g1c.  I think.  I mean, I’m more educated now because I didn’t know what it was.  But I’m now trying hard not to puke up lunch.  Eating poo=foul foul foul.  My dog likes to eat poop and she’s a female.  Perhaps I should look into making some cash with some doggie 2g1c.

  22. The good doctor says he has been known to pee on his hands before surgery when no soap or water was available. Yep. MAKES things sterile, too.

  23. I had to go see what Ann was on about and was so happy (/sarcasm) to see that she has figured out that SINGLE MOMS are the cause of all of society’s ills.  What I liked in the interview I read the interviewer zinged her about “well, if being married is so great, you’d think you’d be married then…” which she, of course, blew off… but I did think it was funny that the interviewer did try to get in some burn.

    “Peein’ on my Poncho” could be Crissy and the Nekkids first #1 hit!

  24. New reader here.  Ann Coulter’s “safe word” is cuntbag.

    And no, I didn’t find this site from a Google search of “pee-pee poncho.”

    [uncomfortable silence]

    Well, see you next time.

  25. “Man” Coulter is a vile piece of shit. Period.

    I found out several months ago what “queef” meant, courtesy of my 18 yo daughter, and just this weekend found out about 2g1c from the same daughter and 2 of her friends.  We also began talking about the best ways to produce a queef.  I must say, I vastly prefer queefs to eating poo…

  26. Damn Crissy, couldn’t you have peed on Coulter?  THAT would have made my day.  I learn something new every day on this blog….last week “queef”, this week “2g1c”….I think I’ll take your word about the video

  27. Wait….I have an idea!  I think we shouldn’t say douche bag, or douche princess…..the proper term for Crissy’s Queefs is dooce bag and dooce princess (get it?)  Every time you mention Dooce, I think of a new term “dooce bag” so this post prompted me to send you a message.  I think that from now on we (and by we I mean your loyal Queef subjects) should instead say dooce bag!!!  Any thoughts Crissy?

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