Crissy’s Not Funny Today So You’re Getting Bitchy Instead & Loving It

Mostly because she’s just had another fight with Mister over getting the motherfucking trash out on time so Crissy doesn’t have to put her boots on and trudge through the ice dragging all the bins out because they’re too heavy to carry unless she wants to bust a uterus and have Taco fall right out in the driveway.

We do this every Thursday morning like a little lover’s ritual.

It’s just the sweetest thing.

He’s got 10 minutes to get his ass out there or Crissy will punch him in the face and then go do it herself thereby making him look like a total shit ass in front of the whole neighborhood. A shit ass and a little pussy boy whose wife beats him.

Anyfuck, this post isn’t about trash cans and shit ass husbands. It’s about “eating healthy” and how much it pisses Crissy off. And Crissy isn’t talking about the actual act of eating healthy foods. She rather enjoys eating healthy foods and she always has. That’s why her ass is marvelous and yours isn’t. Unless you eat healthy foods too in which case your ass is marvelous as well.

Good for you!

You probably also have an excessive flatulence problem coming from your marvelous ass because that’s what healthy foods do for you.

But that’s okay.

Unless you’ve been sharting.

If you shart you’ve got bigger problems than excessive broccoli consumption and you should see a doctor. Also you may want to cut back on the anal fisting.  Crissy doesn’t want to ruin your party but she’s just saying it may be time to consider what you’re putting up there and what it’s doing for you long term.

What pisses Crissy off about the phrase “eating healthy” is that it doesn’t actually make any sense. It’s like “eating retarded” or “eating asshole.” It’s not something you can really do (okay, well maybe the second one is something you can do but you know what Crissy is saying so shut it).

Eating healthy foods is fine.

Crissy will also accept “eating healthfully” or “eating healthily.”

But this “eating healthy” bullshit has got to stop and it needs to start with the media because they’re the ones who started it and they know better Queefs.

It makes Crissy violent.

VIOLENT!!!!

Speak.

Engrish!!!

Okay Mister is coming down the stairs and putting his boots on. Crissy doesn’t have to go out there and drop a Taco in the driveway just to embarrass him.

Thank christ.

It’s fucking cold and poor Taco would certainly freeze to the ground upon contact. It would be a mess.

Cum To My Windows

Aaaannndddd we’re still talking about windows Queefs.

Oh for Christ sake is that all Crissy can think about?

No.

Not at all.

Crissy thinks about lots of things like when will her nipples become so hard from cold that they finally just drop off her body and scratch her floors and whether or not there will ever be a Brady Bunch reunion and if so will Greg finally finger bang Marsha because you know he wants to or if she should make spicy teriaki salmon for dinner.

Crissy’ s life is very exciting you know and it’s loaded with Very Important Things to Think About.

So yesterday was the day when the RI Housing Lead Safety people put out a notice to all qualified contractors to come to the Crissy’s house to take a look at their windows and make a bid to do the job.

The turn out was huge as if they promised there would be free beer and hot horny virgins for everyone and it felt to Crissy exactly like an episode of This Old House or Extreme Home Makeover as the whole street was lined with work vehicles and burly type men in various shades of plaid and the neighbors were coming out of their houses to look because there were really that many dirty Mexicans contractors at Crissy’s house.

And can you believe that not one of them looked like this?

Not.

One!

What a disappointment.

Crissy wore her best maternity pants for this.

And Crissy always thought that construction dudes were hot and yummy and strong and young and hot and hot and GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF CRISSY but they’re not, apparently.

This makes Crissy sad as yet another one of the truths she holds dear has been shattered like, well, glass.

Also Crissy is sad because there are that many construction guys out there that are desperate for work and so wanted to try to fix Crissy’s house for her.

And of course there was the one assmonkey who showed up late, didn’t have a pen, admitted he had no experience with historic homes and had never heard of the particular sort of very special and tricky to install replacement windows deemed acceptable by the Historical Society Twatburgers and he didn’t even know or understand the window terminology. And so the RI Housing Lead Safety Dudes took him outside because he was also very argumentative with them and gave him a stern lecture about wasting Crissy’s time and she was hoping they’d rough him up a bit but they didn’t.

But that was sweet of them just the same.

It wouldn’t have happened if Mister had been home but since Crissy was alone with Girlfriend the Lead Safety Dudes acted very chivalrously on her behalf.

So Crissy let them put their penises in her bum, but only for a second.

Queefs, Duggars. Duggars, Queefs.

Crissy was watching the tee-vee again the other day and she should just limit herself to This Old House and America’s Test Kitchen really because most of the other stuff she sees on tv gets her fired up for one reason or another.

Take, for example, the Duggars.

Here they are for you Queefs who aren’t familiar:

That’s Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar and their 18 kids.

18.

kids.

And Crissy was going to make some sort of crude joke about how making Sexy Time with Michelle must be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway but then when she was looking for a picture of the family she found this which is way, way funnier:

And the thing that bugs Crissy is that if somebody had 18 cats or hamsters or goldfish or something like that animal control people would be at the door calling them lunatic or hoarder or whatever but people with 18 kids get a huge, huge awesome house and their own TV show all of which they consider to be blessings from God of course and it’s not because people like to ogle circus freaks with clown car vaginas.

WTF?

The cat horders of the world should unite and write a letter to Jesus or something because that’s bullshit. Crissy’s got his email if any of you Cat Hoarding Queefs want it. She just has to warn you that he might try to sell you a penis enlarger first.

Crissy thinks there’s something seriously wrong with people who have 18 kids and still want for more. Crissy for one is all finished after Taco comes out and plans to beg the doctor to just rip the whole uterus right out or board it up and put a condemned sign on it or something.

And when you watch the show, they seem like nice people and the kids are all beautiful and seem well behaved and you figure maybe these people are just a little eccentric and that’s cool until a little bit of The Crazy sneaks out and then you’re all like “OH! There it is! I knew I’d find it!”

The episode Crissy is talking about is the one when they were expecting number 18 and they were out shopping at the store for some baby stuff because after 18 babies your shit gets pretty worn out and you need more and one of the little boys found a musical toy and started dancing to it.

OH.

NO!!!!!!!!

He was immediately dragged away from it by his older sisters and his father because THERE’S NO DANCING ALLOWED! Jim Bob had to explain to the folks at home that they have to be very careful of the kind of music they allow in their home because “it can get the best of ya.”

We wouldn’t want that now would we Jim Bob?

Children dancing is a horror! BUT they all take violin lessons.

Huh.

They can play the music, but they’re not allowed to enjoy it.

That makes about as much sense as having 18 kids.

And then the time comes for Jim Bob and Michelle to go to birthing class because apparently they’re rather slow learners and still need to be told where and how the baby is going to come out.

The teacher starts going on and on about “cervical softening” being one of God’s better ideas and for those of you Queefs who’ve never been to birthing class, cervical softening is when you get lots and lots of semen up in there because it has a chemical in it that makes the cervix softer and more flexible for birth.

AND THE DUGGARS ARE ALL ABOUT IT!!!

WHAT???

Dancing is the devil but plenty of good old fashioned fucking for the sake of fucking and not making babies is A-Okay?

Crissy is confused.

And then, AND THEN!!! the day comes when the baby is born and everyone is looking at her and one of her older sisters is clearly in love with her new baby sister and she’s really a beautiful baby and Crissy thought it was so sweet of the sister to be so enamored with her and then she said “she’s fearfully and wonderfully made” and there Queefs was The Crazy again.

Who the hell looks at a baby and thinks of the word fearful except for a bunch of Jesus freaks?

The world outside of Crissy’s bedroom is a scary place Queefs.

Please don’t make her go out there again.

Crissy Loves Richard and She Doesn’t Care Who Knows It.

And somewhere right now Crissy’s friend Michele just peed her pants a little bit because that’s her husband’s name.

But Crissy doesn’t mean Michele’s Richard:

_MG_7962

But the worshipping is rather nice.

And she doesn’t mean this Richard:

Although, you know.

YUM.

Crissy means this one:

And she loves him in a way that isn’t even right or appropriate or anything.

Crissy wants to keep him as her pet poodle and she wants him to hold her when she cries and give her a pep talk when she needs one in that very special sparkly way that only Richard has.

And Crissy wants to know why Mister isn’t her little poodle.

She bedazzled all his wife beaters for him so WTF?

You Queefs have seen the way Richard comforts and loves people and cries with them and encourages them.

RIGHT?

Tell Crissy you don’t need him too and Crissy will shout “liar, liar, pants on fire!” right at you because everybody needs cute little glittery fuzzy headed Richard.

And if you don’t there’s something wrong with you.

Most of all though Queefs, Crissy needs Richard in her kitchen every morning to make her a banana mango smoothie, tell her she’s pretty, smack her on the ass, and then lead her in an hour of Disco Sweat.

Doesn’t that sound wonderful?

If any of you Queefs can make that happen Crissy would be eternally grateful and may even bestow upon you the title of Royal Twidget Shaver because Crissy can’t see hers anymore.

Or maybe Richard would want to help her with that too…