Oh Queefs!

This has been such a wonderful week for Crissy!

The internet is giving her a great big hug and kiss!

First she went on a Dream Date with Ben and had a wonderful time. She already told you about that though.

And now, finally, someone has interviewed Crissy!

YES!! It’s TRUE!!!

The lovely Miss Alexa from Cleveland’s A Plum has interviewed her for her Featured Blogger thingy that she does.

Crissy is a little nervous about how the interview went though because she was…well…she was herself and she is scared that Alexa’s Internets are going to come over here with torches and all sorts of pointy gardening implements and burn Crissy’s whorehouse of a blog down to the ground or they might poke her in the bum with a hoe or something which doesn’t sound that bad but Crissy thinks it could be hurt-y because Crissy doesn’t usually take it in the pooper.

Only on Very, Very Special Nights.

But anyway you should go read it now because this is all you’re getting from Crissy for a while.

Crissy won’t be back around until Wednesday because she’s very busy and important and has things to do and places to go and people to do see.

Crissy’s body hurts Queefs.

Ow.

Mostly just her back and her arms.

She got into a fight.

A big one that lasted for almost an hour in which Crissy punched and punched her little arms off round after round until finally she gave up and collapsed onto the floor in a sweaty heap, all breathless and stripped down to her tank top and yoga pants.

But she won Queefs.

Your Crissy kicked some serious ass.

This poor fucker will never be the same again:

They had to carry him out. He was crying for his Mommy.

Turns out Crissy is a Wii boxing genius. Mister thinks he’s good, but Crissy has news for him. He’s not. Crissy is good. He thinks that just because he can knock a dude out in three punches that it makes him some sort of bad ass. Yeah, well, no.

Just like with her Wonderful Dancing, Crissy’s obvious raw talent just needs to be honed a little bit. She’d show you what she means but that would require a video and she didn’t know she was blogging about this until about three minutes ago so that sucks.

And so now Crissy is officially in training because Mister has some advantages over her like having boxed at the Naval Academy and being really strong and fast. And Mister doesn’t think Crissy knows this but he waits until Crissy goes to sleep and then he sneaks downstairs to practice. Crissy thinks that’s cheating but that’s okay because you know what Crissy has but he doesn’t?

Pure pregnant hormonal rage.

If they could shoot soldiers up with the shit that’s coursing through Crissy’s veins right now they would create the Ultimate Fighting Machine. Enemies would take one look at them, pee their pants, and run home to hide under their beds or cots or piles of dung or whatever.

Taco must be a boy because Crissy has been feeling all testosterone-y like a 16 year-old dude.

She’ll either fight you or fuck you depending on if you piss her off or not.

So Crissy is going to practice and build her strength because apparently the boxing segment on her Biggest Loser workout isn’t quite enough to harness all her innate ability and Santa is going to bring us another set of controllers and Mister and Crissy are going to fight to the death.

Like gladiators.

Or something.

And when Crissy got home from the Sexy Party she handed Mister the catalog and we went through it for shits and giggles because we’re really not in the market for anything right now and we came across stuff that made us laugh like we’re 13.
Like the Remote Control Panties.

And of course they have multiple uses outside the bedroom. For example, they can be put on your husband at dinner parties and when he says something inappropriate you can give him a little buzz to shut him up. Of course, any dinner party that the Crissys attend it will be Crissy’s mouth that gets her in trouble and she would wear them but Mister is hardly one to judge what is appropriate and what is not.

So they wouldn’t work for the Crissys because neither one of us has any idea about appropriateness which is probably why nobody ever invites us to dinner.

And can you imagine wearing the Butt Buzzer at a dinner party?

Hostess:“Is someone’s cell phone buzzing?”
Recalcitrant guest:“Oh no. That’s just my ass!”

And Crissy wants to know who came up with all the zoological names:
The Rabbit Habit, The Rabbit Dancer, The Wiggle Rabbit
The Throbbin’ Robin
The Butterfly, The Butterfly Kisses
The Dolphin
The Finger Frog
The Mystical Dragon
and Crissy’s favorite The Ultimate Beaver

And then we found this which Crissy has certainly seen before but never thought about how totally silly it is until we encountered it in the catalog:

It’s the Lickety Split and can you picture the person you do Sexy Time with coming at you with this thing on?

Not sexy.

Funny.

It’s way more fun to picture your boss wearing it while you’re sitting in a meeting with him/her.

Try to get that shit out of your head now.

Hahahahahahhahahaha!!!

So Crissy and Mister agreed that a better use for the Lickety Split is to just strap it on and drive around wearing it.

And so we consulted our friend Richard who is a lawyer and he looked it up and it does not appear to be illeagal in RI to drive around wearing a chin strap dildo.

And this is perfect because Crissy and Mister have been looking for a new caper.

We never do capers anymore.

So we’ll probably get one and give it whirl.

Of course there will be video you silly Queefs.

OMG!!! I almost forgot!  Go see Crissy’s dream date with Ben!  Crissy just hopes he can recover quickly because we are so going out again!

On Saturday night Crissy and her friends Michele, Elise, and Valerie went to her friend Stacy’s house for an Athena party. An Athena party is like a tupperware party only with dildos and vibrators and stuff. There’s usually an assemblage of drunken women who pass around various thingymabobs and giggle and make jokes about their husband’s wee-wees.

It’s great fun.

Crissy has been to several of them but this one?

Crissy is not so sure it was really as good as others she’s been to.

First of all, our Goddess, that’s what the salessluts call themselves, looked like this:

What’s really funny is that she looked almost exactly like this and anyone who was at the party that would like to comment just this once (Val, Shel, and Elise! I’m talkin’ to you bitches!) will back Crissy up on that.

And she was wearing pants that were too small for her, highlighting her FUPA quite nicely and an ill-fitting bra underneath a tee-shirt that said something like “Come to the NAUGHTY side with me.”

And Crissy wondered when the last time anyone took her up on that offer was because really?

The last Goddess Crissy had looked like this:

You see the difference don’t you Queefs?

Whose dildo would you rather fondle and pass to your friend?

I thought so.

But the lady was very nice and as it turns out she’s a high school teacher who does this for a little extra cash.

This made Crissy wonder how many of her teachers from school did this sort of thing on the side.

Shudder.

And also at an Athena party you can count on being forced to participate in some sort of lewd act with women you barely know. Crissy had to get on her hands and knees and eat a peeled banana out of her friend Valerie’s crotchal which would have been a lot easier to do had Crissy not been stone cold sober but she did it anyway because Crissy is a giver.

And it was a race and you know Crissy had to win that shit, right?

And Crissy is proud to say that she annihilated poor Stacy who was paired up with her sister-in-law which will make for an interesting Christmas dinner for the two of them this year, and won a light-up penis key chain because Crissy is the best banana deep throater around.

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Or at least at Stacy’s house anyways.

Then as if poor Stacy wasn’t humiliated enough, the, ahem, Goddess demonstrated bondage sheets by blindfolding poor Stacy and tying her to her bed whilst her sister-in-law whipped her with a be-feathered riding crop and took pictures.

Crissy does not think she will ever host one of these parties because she has a remarkable talent for self-humiliation and does not need a dumpy middle aged teacher helping her out on that one and also Crissy’s sister-in-law would probably enjoy the whipping a little too much and would probably hurt poor prone Crissy.

For really.

And there was this one thing that just about everyone agreed was a Wonderful Thing except that it looks like this:

Which looks too much like this:

So it was right out.

And so yeah. Crissy would like to say that she bought tons of stuff and she’d like to show you pictures of it but you don’t care and also Crissy didn’t see anything she doesn’t already have thought would really do the trick.

Well, there was one thing but she is hoping Santa will put it in her stocking this Christmas.

Or in her Noonie.

Whichever.

Yesterday was Crissy and Mister’s 6th wedding anniversary!

That means that we are going to start taking applications for one girl and one boy who we are going to have affairs with next year. Just email them to us and we’ll let you know before 11/30/09 if you’ve won. If the application is good enough, we might just call it the 6 year itch instead and be done with it.

And Mister felt badly that Crissy did not really like the early anniversary gift he gave her

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so he took her shopping at the mall and kept his mouth shut whilst Crissy spent all his money and then he took her out to lunch and then they came home and, well, other stuff happened that may or may not have involved the speculum.

Anyways, Crissy and Mister cannot believe they’ve been together for 13 years and married for 6 and we look like babies in our wedding video and Crissy looks totally hammered.

That is because she is totally hammered.

Crissy was very, very, very nervous even though her wedding was really small and sort of casual and it will not surprise you Queefs to learn that it took place in a bar.

But Crissy was tipsy because she drank a bottle of champagne starting at the hairdresser’s at 7:00 am and ending at around 11:30 am just before she walked down the long sweeping stairs and into her wedding.

She was very grateful that her dad was there to help her down the stairs because long trippy wedding dress + heavy flowers+ satin shoes+ long stairway+ champagne = America’s Funniest Video Grand Prize Winner.

But Crissy did make it down the stairs without incident thank you very much and got married. Don’t worry. It’s the short, short, short version.

And then after dinner and the cake and all the wedding-y stuff happened and all the boring judgmental people parents went home the party started:

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That’s Valerie, Crissy’s Matron of Honor. Crissy isn’t sure if you can tell from this picture but Val hates smoking.

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And the boys had fun too.

It was a nice wedding, really, and Crissy is glad she didn’t have the big hoopty-doo event of the century type thing.

And Crissy is pretty sure she’s the only person to ever put a picture of a speculum in the same blog post as a clip from her wedding video but that’s okay because you almost never see the bride getting shit faced and smoking ciggies either (mom if you’re reading this don’t worry. Crissy only used to smoke sometimes so spare the lecture and don’t embarrass her in front of her Queefs).

Only Crissy would do something like that.

Crissy is classy.

She also grabbed the Best Man’s bum, but that’s a whole ‘nuther story for a different day.