Archive for December, 2008

This year, Crissy has decided to send out a Christmas letter.

And why shouldn’t she?

The world deserves to know what the Queen of Fucking Everything has been up to in 2008. You know, just in case they don’t read her blog.

Which is unimaginable, but apparently true.

Crissy is sure you Queefs will agree that she’s been up to some pretty bad ass shit.

Ahem,

here goes:

We hope this letter finds you happy and healthy this year!

2008 has been a year of ups and downs for us, but mostly ups (speaking of ups, Mister is finally able to get an erection after his Ball Cancer surgery this past spring! Hooray for the Penis Pump!) and we have no one but Jesus to thank for it and all our other blessings this year.

Without His love and guidance we could never have survived The Cancer, that nasty incident with the shotgun and the dog shitting on our lawn, the run-in with the Historical Society over the statue in the front yard, and of course the trial. Does Crissy look like a drug trafficker to you? Just because she had a teensy weensy bit of cocaine snuggled up her ass it makes her a “criminal.” Crissy still thinks it’s bullshit that she got pulled over for running those 6 or 10 red lights and lightly slamming into a few parked cars and pedestrians and stuff. It’s not like anyone was killed. And what’s up with the full cavity search? What kind of a society do we live in where a person is not free to shove a 5 lb bag of coke up her ass when the 5-0 is at the car door if she so chooses? It’s a crazy world isn’t it?

It scares Crissy.

And Girlfriend is doing great! She is so beautiful and so smart and she is growing up so quickly! She already has a boyfriend! Crissy and Mister are just hoping that she can graduate from Pre-K before she and Julio decide to settle down and start a family. Her vocabulary is quite impressive too! Recently, she has added the phrases “fucking moron, stupid asshole, and frigging guy” to her repertoire.

We couldn’t be more proud!

And Crissy has an announcement to make! She’s Pregnant!!!! And the judge says she can keep the baby as long as she can stay in a rehab program for at least 6 weeks. She’s taking this pregnancy seriously: so far it’s been 3 days and Crissy has only shot up 8 times. Keep your fingers crossed for us!!!! After the baby is born, we’ll have a paternity test done to prove to Mister that the baby belongs to him or at least one of his five closest friends and not Crissy’s brother. It was just the one time and you think he’d be able to let it go! Clearly, we’re still working on our “trust issues” during our court-appointed therapy sessions.

And Mister has a few things of his own brewing too! First off, he’s very excited to announce that he’s working on his very first photography book: 24 Hours in a Chin Strap Dildo. It’s a very exciting project and it should be out in early summer. Also, bad news. The Ball Cancer spread to his ass and now he has The Ass Cancer. We were wondering what all the sharting was about. We just thought it was from shoving all those random things he finds around the house up his ass for so many years.

As his Nana Stephanie used to say, “laugh now, cry later.”

Sage words, Nana. Sage words…miss you every day.

Damn shame you didn’t see that biker coming.

And that’s all that’s going on here! We cannot wait to see what 2009 has in store for us!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you all. May 2009 find you pissing hot chocolate and riding to Candy Land on the back of a glittery pink Pegasus.

PS: Attached you will find a 130 page comprehensive list of all the words Crissy said this year. Enjoy!

So Crissy and Mister and Girlfriend had Rich and Michele and Alena over for dinner on Saturday night and we had a lovely time and the children destroyed the house but it was okay because they entertained each other for four hours while we had interaction with grown ups.

Crissy was so happy they came over that she almost humped Rich’s leg when he came in.

And then Michele’s a few minutes later.

Crissy really has to lay off the smutty books.

She’s in danger of committing some sort of sex crime or at the very least embarrassing herself at The Wal-Mart which is pretty hard to do but she thinks she could manage it.

And Michele told Crissy about the time her sisters hid in the back of her parent’s Suburban and overheard them talking about a Swinger party and it was so funny you guys and it of course led to a parentals having sex conversation.

And Crissy remembered the all too recent moment she realized that the tub of Vaseline her dad kept in his nightstand right there on top of his pile of Playboys was NOT for lip gloss like Crissy thought it was for years, using it for that purpose until one horrifying, horrifying, moment.

It was in high school when somebody was talking about Vaseline as sex lube and it clicked in Crissy’s head why her dad’s Vaseline always had a big hand scoop print in it.

It always seemed odd to Crissy that he used so much of it…

And then…

Oooooooohhhhh….

The sun came over the mountain.

OH GOD, OH GOD, OH GOD, OH Gooooooooooddddddddddddddddddddd!!!!

EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW!!!!!

That was her parent’s sex lube she was using as lip gloss because her wretched mother wouldn’t buy her any Bubble Gum flavor Kissing Potion like she wanted!

Remember that stuff?

And you know what finally dawned on Crissy on Saturday night, while talking to Michele?

Maybe that wasn’t sex lube at all.

Maybe that was her dad’s own personal lubricant.

After all, he did keep it right there with his porn.

Even.

More.

Horrifying!

So remember how Crissy said Wednesday was a bad day and she wanted to hide under her bed? Well yesterday started out just fine and Crissy went to work to find that they had bought us bagels for breakfast and also some M&Ms to go with them and it was just. great.

And Crissy didn’t want to leave work because who would want to go home and take care of Girlfriend and do filthy New York laundry when you can stay at work and read blogs get a lot of work done and eat candy?

Ew. Nobody.

But Crissy had to come home and face the suitcases and the dishwasher and when she opened her door the house stinked.

It smelled like Satan’s asshole if you want to know the truth.

Don’t ask how Crissy knows what Satan’s asshole smells like but just trust Crissy because she never exaggerates to her Queefs.

It was coming from the vicinity of the kitchen sink and so Crissy tore the place apart and cleaned all underneath the sink and took out the recycling and the trash and cleaned the garbage disposal (all you do is throw an whole lemon in there. Crissy had to look it up) and the trash compactor and the fridge and she used enough cleaning stuff to certainly make Taco some sort of 6 headed freak baby and still!

Now it stinked like Satan’s asshole after being violated by Mr. Clean.

And Crissy was at her wit’s end.

And then she noticed the very innocent looking box of Clementines sitting on the counter and began to unpack it.

And here, dear Queefs, is the villain:

One rotten little fucker made the whole house stink. So Crissy took care of it and Girlfriend washed the ick off the Clementines that were still good and we moved on to making cookies for Daddy.

And it went great until Crissy’s mixer shit the bed and she had to break her arms off trying to cream the butter and the sugar together. Crissy learned the hard way that you have to melt the butter more if you’re going to mix by hand. And now Crissy wants a new mixer in case any of you need a gift idea. She wants one like Melissa’s please.

Only in pink because why the fuck not pink?

And then we Girlfriend spilled the sugar all over the floor. And then whilst looking in every cabinet for the god damned cooling racks, Crissy’s new Pyrex pie plate came tumbling out of the cabinet and smashed all over the fucking floor.

Pyrex makes an epic mess.

Do not break Pyrex.

And then when Crissy went to vacuum up all the Pyrex dust, the cord to the vacuum bumped over Crissy’s glass of water which spilled anyone? anyone? onto the plate of cookies.

Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!

And Crissy tried to take a picture of the soggy cookies but the fucking camera battery died. Crissy is not even sure what possessed her to take pictures of her disasters in the kitchen yesterday but she did.

Would you have rather seen her dirty New York panties?

So yesterday Crissy had a serious case of The Exhaustion and The Overwhelmedness which made it one of those days where she felt like nobody loved her and that life was a piece of shit and she just wanted to crawl under her bed and cry her heart out and then just die.

But of course she had work to pretend to do at the library and Girlfriend to deliver and retrieve from school and Moo Shu Tofu to make for dinner before the cabbage went bad in the fridge and gave everyone a poopy stomach and she just had to press on and of course Mister was late coming home from work which made the day even longer for your poor sad Crissy.

But Mister finally did come home and Crissy went to take a hot bath, read her smutty book (anyone read the Beauty series by Anne Rice? Degrading sex on every page! Woo hoo!), get Sexy Time (thanks Anne! Oh, and Mister too) and fall asleep.

And that’s what happened and Crissy is right as rain again.

Mostly.

But while Crissy was in a bath full of her fancy Kama Sutra Treasures of the Sea bath salts that smell so good you guys, and she saves them for the most desperate times because they cost eleventy hundred thousand dollars per tin, Girlfriend busts in and wants to “wash mommy’s leggies.”

“Okay fine. Wash mommy’s leggies. Thank you honey.”

Where the fuck is Mister, and why is this child not in her cage bed?

And then Mister comes in slightly out of breath from running up multiple flights of stairs from the basement carrying a foot pump that went with an inflatable wind surfer that we had and put the air squirty end into the tub in an effort to make Crissy a Whirlpool bath.

Mister is great for Macgyvering Ghetto rigs.

Has Crissy ever told you about the Ghetto Slip n’ Slide he made using a large green tarp, a garden hose, and his naked ass?

And what about the Ghetto see-saw he made for Girlfriend using an old splintery board and a propane tank?

Crissy actually has a picture of that one.

You don’t want to see the Slip n’ Slide pictures. Nobody wants to see a 6 foot 4, 190lb man hurling himself naked onto a tarp and sliding down it on his ass.

And if you do you’re a sickie.

So anyways, Crissy just laid there staring at the ceiling thinking about the $50 tablespoon of wasted bath salts she was soaking in whilst the foot pump project turned into a game where Mister and Girlfriend competed to make the biggest geyser by jumping up and down on it.

Crissy’s note to self: Get an apartment and tell no one.

Crissy knows Queefs.

You’ve all been waiting anxiously, tossing and turning in your beds (and not in a good way), and pulling your hair out waiting to hear about where Crissy was for so long.

Crissy went to NYC!!!

There’s nothing like New York at Christmas time Queefs. Nothing.

The filth and the crazy assholes and the stink are all decorated with millions of twinkling little lights for the holidays.

It’s breathtaking, really, and Crissy wanted Girlfriend to see it before Taco comes and makes traveling an epic nightmare.

The Crissys had a lovely time though.

First, we had awesome seats to see The Rockettes Christmas Spectacular:

We were only three rows back and Girlfriend was totally riveted and didn’t move the whole time.

And Mister was bummed out because Crissy told him the Rockettes would get naked for the finale but this is as close as they got.

WHAT???

Crissy had to get him into the theater somehow.

It’s not lying, if it’s almost true.

There’s a difference people.

And of course we walked everywhere because Mister is too cheap to take a cab walking in 30 degree weather is invigorating, and Crissy feels like she was totally recognizable as the QOFE because she was the only one who had a pink coat. Everyone else wears black or some shade of brown. This probably explains why everyone was trying to give her informational booklets regarding bus tours and Jesus and stuff.

Crissy thinks it was sweet that New York put in so much effort to welcome her.

And this is Crissy’s room. It was 7′ X 21′ and it was a millionty degrees.

The Crissys nearly killed one another in there and nobody slept because Girlfriend sleeps alloverthefuckingbed.

Crissy wishes she could have taken something for The Claustrophobia because she felt like she wanted to bust through a wall, Incredible Hulk style.

But what do you expect in NY?

And there’s this sign near the elevator:

Does anyone proofread anymore Queefs? Crissy wants to know.

But the most important part of Crissy’s trip was meeting some of her Main Queefs for the first time.

We went to dinner with the adorable Chris and Arielle , the incredibly gorgeous Dingo, and the cutie pie Lauren who has a wonderful ass. Chris will probably be mad that Crissy is calling him adorable but really she means Arielle is adorable. Chris is just a cranky pants. But he smells nice and he’s really hot so it doesn’t matter.

Crissy is also a cranky pants and so that means that despite some obvious anatomical differences, Chris and Crissy are exactly like twins. We even have the same name.

Here’s Arielle and Dingo on the left and Chris and Lauren and Crissy on the right. Look at how hard Chris and Crissy pounded water.

Crissy thinks that if she weren’t knocked up, she and Chris would have wound up shit-faced whilst the rest of the table looked at us with their Judgy Judgington eyes.

Mister looked totally hot, right?

And Crissy had some wine but only one glass.

And Lauren showed us her ass.

And it is very, very fine.

Crissy wanted to touch it but she didn’t. Maybe on the second date though. Lauren also brought Crissy a Coach purse and a stuffed Schnauzer for Girlfriend. She’s too sweet!

And then we went to see the big Christmas tree because they don’t let you leave until you do. Either that or they don’t give a rat’s ass if you die in the gutter.

And now the Crissys are home.

Commence worshiping now.

Oh Queefs!

This has been such a wonderful week for Crissy!

The internet is giving her a great big hug and kiss!

First she went on a Dream Date with Ben and had a wonderful time. She already told you about that though.

And now, finally, someone has interviewed Crissy!

YES!! It’s TRUE!!!

The lovely Miss Alexa from Cleveland’s A Plum has interviewed her for her Featured Blogger thingy that she does.

Crissy is a little nervous about how the interview went though because she was…well…she was herself and she is scared that Alexa’s Internets are going to come over here with torches and all sorts of pointy gardening implements and burn Crissy’s whorehouse of a blog down to the ground or they might poke her in the bum with a hoe or something which doesn’t sound that bad but Crissy thinks it could be hurt-y because Crissy doesn’t usually take it in the pooper.

Only on Very, Very Special Nights.

But anyway you should go read it now because this is all you’re getting from Crissy for a while.

Crissy won’t be back around until Wednesday because she’s very busy and important and has things to do and places to go and people to do see.

Crissy’s body hurts Queefs.

Ow.

Mostly just her back and her arms.

She got into a fight.

A big one that lasted for almost an hour in which Crissy punched and punched her little arms off round after round until finally she gave up and collapsed onto the floor in a sweaty heap, all breathless and stripped down to her tank top and yoga pants.

But she won Queefs.

Your Crissy kicked some serious ass.

This poor fucker will never be the same again:

They had to carry him out. He was crying for his Mommy.

Turns out Crissy is a Wii boxing genius. Mister thinks he’s good, but Crissy has news for him. He’s not. Crissy is good. He thinks that just because he can knock a dude out in three punches that it makes him some sort of bad ass. Yeah, well, no.

Just like with her Wonderful Dancing, Crissy’s obvious raw talent just needs to be honed a little bit. She’d show you what she means but that would require a video and she didn’t know she was blogging about this until about three minutes ago so that sucks.

And so now Crissy is officially in training because Mister has some advantages over her like having boxed at the Naval Academy and being really strong and fast. And Mister doesn’t think Crissy knows this but he waits until Crissy goes to sleep and then he sneaks downstairs to practice. Crissy thinks that’s cheating but that’s okay because you know what Crissy has but he doesn’t?

Pure pregnant hormonal rage.

If they could shoot soldiers up with the shit that’s coursing through Crissy’s veins right now they would create the Ultimate Fighting Machine. Enemies would take one look at them, pee their pants, and run home to hide under their beds or cots or piles of dung or whatever.

Taco must be a boy because Crissy has been feeling all testosterone-y like a 16 year-old dude.

She’ll either fight you or fuck you depending on if you piss her off or not.

So Crissy is going to practice and build her strength because apparently the boxing segment on her Biggest Loser workout isn’t quite enough to harness all her innate ability and Santa is going to bring us another set of controllers and Mister and Crissy are going to fight to the death.

Like gladiators.

Or something.

And when Crissy got home from the Sexy Party she handed Mister the catalog and we went through it for shits and giggles because we’re really not in the market for anything right now and we came across stuff that made us laugh like we’re 13.
Like the Remote Control Panties.

And of course they have multiple uses outside the bedroom. For example, they can be put on your husband at dinner parties and when he says something inappropriate you can give him a little buzz to shut him up. Of course, any dinner party that the Crissys attend it will be Crissy’s mouth that gets her in trouble and she would wear them but Mister is hardly one to judge what is appropriate and what is not.

So they wouldn’t work for the Crissys because neither one of us has any idea about appropriateness which is probably why nobody ever invites us to dinner.

And can you imagine wearing the Butt Buzzer at a dinner party?

Hostess:“Is someone’s cell phone buzzing?”
Recalcitrant guest:“Oh no. That’s just my ass!”

And Crissy wants to know who came up with all the zoological names:
The Rabbit Habit, The Rabbit Dancer, The Wiggle Rabbit
The Throbbin’ Robin
The Butterfly, The Butterfly Kisses
The Dolphin
The Finger Frog
The Mystical Dragon
and Crissy’s favorite The Ultimate Beaver

And then we found this which Crissy has certainly seen before but never thought about how totally silly it is until we encountered it in the catalog:

It’s the Lickety Split and can you picture the person you do Sexy Time with coming at you with this thing on?

Not sexy.

Funny.

It’s way more fun to picture your boss wearing it while you’re sitting in a meeting with him/her.

Try to get that shit out of your head now.

Hahahahahahhahahaha!!!

So Crissy and Mister agreed that a better use for the Lickety Split is to just strap it on and drive around wearing it.

And so we consulted our friend Richard who is a lawyer and he looked it up and it does not appear to be illeagal in RI to drive around wearing a chin strap dildo.

And this is perfect because Crissy and Mister have been looking for a new caper.

We never do capers anymore.

So we’ll probably get one and give it whirl.

Of course there will be video you silly Queefs.

OMG!!! I almost forgot!  Go see Crissy’s dream date with Ben!  Crissy just hopes he can recover quickly because we are so going out again!

On Saturday night Crissy and her friends Michele, Elise, and Valerie went to her friend Stacy’s house for an Athena party. An Athena party is like a tupperware party only with dildos and vibrators and stuff. There’s usually an assemblage of drunken women who pass around various thingymabobs and giggle and make jokes about their husband’s wee-wees.

It’s great fun.

Crissy has been to several of them but this one?

Crissy is not so sure it was really as good as others she’s been to.

First of all, our Goddess, that’s what the salessluts call themselves, looked like this:

What’s really funny is that she looked almost exactly like this and anyone who was at the party that would like to comment just this once (Val, Shel, and Elise! I’m talkin’ to you bitches!) will back Crissy up on that.

And she was wearing pants that were too small for her, highlighting her FUPA quite nicely and an ill-fitting bra underneath a tee-shirt that said something like “Come to the NAUGHTY side with me.”

And Crissy wondered when the last time anyone took her up on that offer was because really?

The last Goddess Crissy had looked like this:

You see the difference don’t you Queefs?

Whose dildo would you rather fondle and pass to your friend?

I thought so.

But the lady was very nice and as it turns out she’s a high school teacher who does this for a little extra cash.

This made Crissy wonder how many of her teachers from school did this sort of thing on the side.

Shudder.

And also at an Athena party you can count on being forced to participate in some sort of lewd act with women you barely know. Crissy had to get on her hands and knees and eat a peeled banana out of her friend Valerie’s crotchal which would have been a lot easier to do had Crissy not been stone cold sober but she did it anyway because Crissy is a giver.

And it was a race and you know Crissy had to win that shit, right?

And Crissy is proud to say that she annihilated poor Stacy who was paired up with her sister-in-law which will make for an interesting Christmas dinner for the two of them this year, and won a light-up penis key chain because Crissy is the best banana deep throater around.

Or at least at Stacy’s house anyways.

Then as if poor Stacy wasn’t humiliated enough, the, ahem, Goddess demonstrated bondage sheets by blindfolding poor Stacy and tying her to her bed whilst her sister-in-law whipped her with a be-feathered riding crop and took pictures.

Crissy does not think she will ever host one of these parties because she has a remarkable talent for self-humiliation and does not need a dumpy middle aged teacher helping her out on that one and also Crissy’s sister-in-law would probably enjoy the whipping a little too much and would probably hurt poor prone Crissy.

For really.

And there was this one thing that just about everyone agreed was a Wonderful Thing except that it looks like this:

Which looks too much like this:

So it was right out.

And so yeah. Crissy would like to say that she bought tons of stuff and she’d like to show you pictures of it but you don’t care and also Crissy didn’t see anything she doesn’t already have thought would really do the trick.

Well, there was one thing but she is hoping Santa will put it in her stocking this Christmas.

Or in her Noonie.

Whichever.

Yesterday was Crissy and Mister’s 6th wedding anniversary!

That means that we are going to start taking applications for one girl and one boy who we are going to have affairs with next year. Just email them to us and we’ll let you know before 11/30/09 if you’ve won. If the application is good enough, we might just call it the 6 year itch instead and be done with it.

And Mister felt badly that Crissy did not really like the early anniversary gift he gave her

so he took her shopping at the mall and kept his mouth shut whilst Crissy spent all his money and then he took her out to lunch and then they came home and, well, other stuff happened that may or may not have involved the speculum.

Anyways, Crissy and Mister cannot believe they’ve been together for 13 years and married for 6 and we look like babies in our wedding video and Crissy looks totally hammered.

That is because she is totally hammered.

Crissy was very, very, very nervous even though her wedding was really small and sort of casual and it will not surprise you Queefs to learn that it took place in a bar.

But Crissy was tipsy because she drank a bottle of champagne starting at the hairdresser’s at 7:00 am and ending at around 11:30 am just before she walked down the long sweeping stairs and into her wedding.

She was very grateful that her dad was there to help her down the stairs because long trippy wedding dress + heavy flowers+ satin shoes+ long stairway+ champagne = America’s Funniest Video Grand Prize Winner.

But Crissy did make it down the stairs without incident thank you very much and got married. Don’t worry. It’s the short, short, short version.

And then after dinner and the cake and all the wedding-y stuff happened and all the boring judgmental people parents went home the party started:

That’s Valerie, Crissy’s Matron of Honor. Crissy isn’t sure if you can tell from this picture but Val hates smoking.

And the boys had fun too.

It was a nice wedding, really, and Crissy is glad she didn’t have the big hoopty-doo event of the century type thing.

And Crissy is pretty sure she’s the only person to ever put a picture of a speculum in the same blog post as a clip from her wedding video but that’s okay because you almost never see the bride getting shit faced and smoking ciggies either (mom if you’re reading this don’t worry. Crissy only used to smoke sometimes so spare the lecture and don’t embarrass her in front of her Queefs).

Only Crissy would do something like that.

Crissy is classy.

She also grabbed the Best Man’s bum, but that’s a whole ‘nuther story for a different day.