Crissy’s Gift to the Pathetic, Downtrodden, Shat Upon Queefs at Work on Christmas Eve

Crissy won’t be at work today like she originally planned.

She’s too fucking sick to sit at her desk and pretend to work catalog books today.

What was yesterday’s sniffle and sore throat is todays totally stuffed head complete with loss of taste and hearing and tuberculin cough. And don’t forget Crissy’s red and swollen and watery eyes. And the doctor won’t let Crissy take anything for it because it might hurt Taco.

And so Crissy must suffer.

Maybe it’s a good thing though because Santa will feel right at home when he hears Crissy breathing like a polar bear and barking like a seal.

It’s really, really, sexy.

And this totally fucking blows because Crissy and Mister have a Christmas Eve tradition where they put Girlfriend in her cage bed and celebrate Christmas by unwrapping presents and eating expensive seafood type appetizers and drinking wonderful champagne and then depending on how happy Crissy is with her presents they will continue to celebrate in a multitude of ways many of which can be found in this book:

WHAT?

Crissy supposes some of you are offended that she makes Santa work for his Christmas cookie.

Well how the hell else is Crissy supposed to get what she wants?

By giving Santa what he wants.

It’s basic psychology people, look it up.

He’s all Pavlov’s Dog for her shit because Crissy’s milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

Even Santa.

And Crissy has the chills so she won’t be able to wear her Santa outfit this year no matter how warm the fireplace is:

That’s not exactly like Crissy’s Santa outfit but it’s close. Just picture it with nipple cut outs and no crotch and BINGO! You’ve got it.

And now you understand why it would be too cold to wear this year.

Crissy does not want to catch The P. Newmonia.

So yeah.

Crissy’s Christmas is pretty much shaquaed by sickness.

(Shaquaed is not a real word so don’t look it up.)

One of Crissy’s Christmas traditions that she will be able to keep is the one where she snuggles on the couch to watch Christmas Vacation.

This is the best scene as far as Crissy is concerned and at least once every Christmas Crissy will call her mommy and say this part and then just hang up and Crissy’s mommy will know that Crissy is in the holiday spirit and she has totally gone coo-coo for coco puffs.

Hap Hap Happiest Christmas

And that Queefs, is why Crissy thinks Christmas Vacation is the best Christmas movie EVER.

Discuss.

Oh and have a happy Christmas.

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25 comments

  1. So sorry you’re still so sick.  According to your little chart, you’ll be able to take cold medicine again in 5 months and 11 days.  Maybe you can just get your cold to last that long so that you can cure it with the good meds? 

    Just kidding.  Don’t want you to be sick for the next five months.  Unless you wanted to get into the Guiness Book for sickos.

    Thanks for posting so that I can have something to entertain myself while stuck here in this federal job.  At least Pres. Bush gave me Friday off after all, so that today is now officially my Friday.  And at least I have a job.

    Merry Christmas and Happy holidays and all that jazz, Crissy, Mister, and Girlfriend.  I hope Santa’s good to you and you feel better soon 🙂

  2. Yes, Christmas Vacation is one of the better Christmas movies (meaning, it’s one I can sit all the way through and not feel nauseous). 

    Best wishes to you, Mister, and Girlfriend, and my sincere hope that whatever strain of the Robo-Monkey Death Plague you have eases enough so you can enjoy some Christmas festivities.

  3. Merry Christmas, Crissy.  I’m sorry you cannot drink hot toddies til you don’t care about the latest bout of monkey plague but want to thank you for crawling out of your bed to post today… It truly makes MY getting out of bed totally worth it!

    Happy, warm, safe Holiday Wishes to you, Mister, Girlfriend, Alice & Big Pussy and the incubating Taco!

  4. I’ve been trying to comment 3 DIFFERENT TIMES NOW and it won’t take it!!

    I’d call you to cheer you up, but, well, I don’t have your number.

    Merry Christmas!!  Tell Stoogie to get me what I REALLY want this year, will you?

  5. Crissy! Get better, chica. And um, if you wanted to send me that position of the day book for my birthday, I’d really like it. I can use it with Mister Internets 6 through 300 in the coming year.

    Drink lots of tea with just a splash of The Vodka. Taco won’t mind.

    Merry Christmas and give Santa some loving. I’m sure he doesn’t mind snot.

  6. Poor Crissy! I hope you feel better super soon!

    And yes Christmas Vacation is an awesome movie. Especially when they are trying to light the house.

    Hope you do have a wonderful Christmas!

  7. Well that just sucks. Me thinks you need to have a stern talk with your bloated head about getting rid of the snot for good.  Sounds to me like your head is a renegade and you need to reel that bad boy in.

  8. I forgot to mention it earlier, and now it looks like I need to wait until Kate’s done with it, but I’d sort of like a copy of that book please.  I’d like a naughty outfit to accompany it too, please.  It looks like a fun way to start 2009.

  9. Converstion this morning with Diana;
    “Mommy I feel sick”
    “Where hon?  In the butt? The head? The belly?”
    *Diana pukes on my feet*
    “Mystery solved”

    So I am working on mailing her to your house since sick people should be together

  10. Seems like a good time to leave my first comment. Merry Christmas honey, feel better soon, and I too would like a copy of that book.

  11. It’s a preg thing with the low immunity. The baby sucks “it” all out of us…little monsters! Kidding! Ha!

    Can that position be achieved over a bed? Imagine being dropped on your back! When men hit the big O, don’t they get all weak & shaky right after? I don’t want to crack my damn tailbone for the sake of love!

  12. He’s all Pavlov’s Dog for her shit because Crissy’s milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

    that’s going on your tombstone.

    and by the way, did you ever notice how slippery snot is?

  13. I had all kinds of witty things to say.  Things like “Santa’s South Pole,” and “Riding Santa’s Sleigh,” but in the spirit of the season, I’m just going to wish you a very merry Christmas.  But here’s a suggestion, why don’t you have Mr. Crissy wear the nipple-less crotchless outfit?  Make a video.  It will be your Christmas present to all your Queefs.  Thank you.

  14. Oh my, I gave that book to my now ex-boyfriend, who dumped me soon afterwards for an old lover he decided he just had to be with…..I got some use out of it, at least, but not as much as I would have liked, the lazy bastard. Anyway, Crissy, try some eucalyptus oil for the stuffed up head. Put some on a cotton ball or something, and just breathe it in, and it should give you some relief. Hope you feel better soon, and enjoy the holiday!

  15. Yesterday I saw a book @ borders called “gingerbread karma sutra”. 

    It has little gingerbread people doing all these sexy time moves. Next year I’ll definitely send it to you 🙂

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