Crissy won’t be at work today like she originally planned.
She’s too fucking sick to sit at her desk and pretend to work catalog books today.
What was yesterday’s sniffle and sore throat is todays totally stuffed head complete with loss of taste and hearing and tuberculin cough. And don’t forget Crissy’s red and swollen and watery eyes. And the doctor won’t let Crissy take anything for it because it might hurt Taco.
And so Crissy must suffer.
Maybe it’s a good thing though because Santa will feel right at home when he hears Crissy breathing like a polar bear and barking like a seal.
It’s really, really, sexy.
And this totally fucking blows because Crissy and Mister have a Christmas Eve tradition where they put Girlfriend in her cage bed and celebrate Christmas by unwrapping presents and eating expensive seafood type appetizers and drinking wonderful champagne and then depending on how happy Crissy is with her presents they will continue to celebrate in a multitude of ways many of which can be found in this book:
Crissy supposes some of you are offended that she makes Santa work for his Christmas cookie.
Well how the hell else is Crissy supposed to get what she wants?
By giving Santa what he wants.
It’s basic psychology people, look it up.
He’s all Pavlov’s Dog for her shit because Crissy’s milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.
And Crissy has the chills so she won’t be able to wear her Santa outfit this year no matter how warm the fireplace is:
That’s not exactly like Crissy’s Santa outfit but it’s close. Just picture it with nipple cut outs and no crotch and BINGO! You’ve got it.
And now you understand why it would be too cold to wear this year.
Crissy does not want to catch The P. Newmonia.
Crissy’s Christmas is pretty much shaquaed by sickness.
(Shaquaed is not a real word so don’t look it up.)
One of Crissy’s Christmas traditions that she will be able to keep is the one where she snuggles on the couch to watch Christmas Vacation.
This is the best scene as far as Crissy is concerned and at least once every Christmas Crissy will call her mommy and say this part and then just hang up and Crissy’s mommy will know that Crissy is in the holiday spirit and she has totally gone coo-coo for coco puffs.
And that Queefs, is why Crissy thinks Christmas Vacation is the best Christmas movie EVER.
Oh and have a happy Christmas.