Just in Time for Christmas!

What kind of fuckery is this Queefs?

Crissy is sick and snotty and sore throaty and uncontrollably sobby and don’t forget fucking pregnant on top of it and she’s pissed off.

And she had a whole ‘nuther post about some of her favorite holiday treats, gin, cocaine, lube all planned out in her head but her funny has liquefied and turned to snot and so instead she’s going to share with you a list that she and Lynne made at work yesterday over emails because they couldn’t think of anything better to do.

You don’t expect them to like, do their jobs do you?


Silly Queefs.

So here.

Self-Help Books we think should be available to the good people of Schmuckytown

Colonoscopy Preparation for Dummies
Telling Your Co-Worker You’re a Tranny for Dummies
Itchy Assholes for Dummies
The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Home Dildo Making
The Beginners Guide to Online Pornography
How to Make Amateur Porn in Your Basement
Hydroponic Marijuana Farming for Dummies
How To Shave Your Ass and Other Hygiene Conundrums
Complete Idiot’s Guide to Drug Trafficking
Armed Robbery for Dummies
Helicopter Maintenance and Repair for Dummies
What You Should Know Before You Fuck Your Dog
Necrophilia for Dummies
Quick & Easy Meth Lab Start-up Guide (with bonus fire extinguisher)
Human Remain Disposal for Dummies
How To Smack Your Bitch Up The OJ Way (leather gloves included)
Carjacking for Fun and Profit
The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Satanic Ritual Killings
The Pedophile’s Guide to Candy Making
Don’t Lick That! A Guide to Sex During an Outbreak
Nipple Piercing for Dummies (with bonus 32 oz. peroxide)
Pimpin’ made EZ

So yeah.

That’s the best Crissy has for today. Maybe she’ll post tomorrow but she’s not sure because it’s Christmas Eve and shit and nobody will be around but Crissy will be because she has to work because she is pathetic and downtrodden.

SO who’s going to be here tomorrow?

Show of hands…

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  1. I’ll be here too.  I’ll be on-call for work all the way through to Sunday because I too am pathetic and downtrodden and have no other family than Ms. Darkstar and the critters, and I do look forward to every dispatch from the Queen!

  2. I’ll be here at work tomorrow.  I may even get stuck working late.  How fun for me.  And?  my family has decided to show up at my house for Christmas, which means I’m a big stress box trying to finish cleaning the pig sty in which I live and shopping for food and ask me if I’ve even bought one gift for these fools?  Yeah, the answer is NOPE.  I’m such a loser pants.  But at least I’ll be at work with you!!!!!!!!!!

    P.S.  Feel better soon 🙂

  3. “What You Should Know Before You Fuck Your Dog”


    feel better!  We’re up, up and away! today…coming to a neighborhood near you in just days!

  4. Wow!  Okay then!  As a Christmas present to all the Queefs who are just as sad and shat upon as Crissy, she will come up with a very special post for tomorrow just for you!

  5. I would also like to add:  “Fun with Tools & Utensils:  A Nymphomaniac’s Guide to Masturbation” 
    Feel better!!! 
    P.S. I won’t be here, sorry!

  6. Of course, I made the mistake of reading Ben’s blog before coming over here. And so, I think you forgot one title… Sex Speak in Front of Your Parents: How to Get a Hummer for Christmas. Don’t get it? Read his blog today and it’ll all become clear.

    I’m working tomorrow too. But, I’ll be working from home, so the sting won’t be quite as bad.

  7. I’ll be here! Especially since I called in sick today b/c my car wouldn’t start. Wouldn’t start at 5am, but by 10am it’s all better. What a waste of a sick day.

  8. I’ll be at work. And then I will be pathetically at home trying not to get drunk. So entertainment would be welcome!

    What to know before you fuck your dog? That one made me actually yelp outloud at the office.

    Feel better. I finally got over mine. Stick your head over a vat of steaming water and then watch all the snot run out. It really works.

  9. Yes, I will be at my library too. Even though a bunch of theiving brats and their “adult” accomplice stole my credit cards out of my wallet, in my office. In the Childrens Dept, oh the humanity!! Yes, they were caught eventually. On the bright side I got to spend some quality time with our cutie IT guy going over surveillance tapes. Let me just say there is a reason those crime shows cut to a montage during the boring parts of an investigation.

    Feel better Crissy and I love the titles. I swear I have seen some of those on the Tech Shelves at my library.

  10. On the bright side I got to spend some quality time with our cutie IT guy going over surveillance tapes. Let me just say there is a reason those crime shows cut to a montage during the boring parts of an investigation.

  11. How ’bout What You Should Know Before You Fuck Your Horse? I guess that would only be appropriate for people in Washington…
    I’ll be here tomorrow! Assuming of course that the snow storm tonight doesn’t trap me AGAIN. Stupid stupid snow.

  12. I, too, will be here.  And knowing I have a post from you to look forward to will  give me a reason to actually get out of bed.  (yeahhhh…holidays + unemployment = MsDarkstar is a sad panda)

  13. I’m working. I get to deal with cranky traders, every one of which is thinking… “Hey, we’re losing all our damn money, and Christmas is around the corner, and I ain’t gonna have no money to buy my son the G.I. Joe with the kung-fu grip! And my wife ain’t gonna f… my wife ain’t gonna make love to me if I got no money!”

    Unless they got money from the money from the bailout, but those guys get the day off.

    It’s good to be me.

  14. If the QOFE does it, they will come.

    i mean, if you write coming will occur.

    Y’know, you write, we read it.

    Lotta Queefs here with dirty, dirty minds.

  15. I’ll be here.

    At the library.

    Right behind you.

    I love the books you have in Schmuckytown. Get me a library card! Do you have Anal Fisting for Beginners? I really need that one and soon.

    I hope you feel better.

  16. “How to Make Amateur Porn in Your Basement”

    First, I will be here tomorrow…with bells on!

    Second, I need the above title asap ‘cos I plan to put a pole and mirrors in the spare room in my basement. Is Amazon.com taking pre-orders yet? Can you autograph my copy as well?

  17. I’ll be here, Crissy. I don’t do any fancy traveling for Los Holidays, because everyone says it’s a miserable experience. So, I watch movies at home instead.

  18. I will be at work all day tomorrow and I have a cold too.  Maybe we both caught some kind of computer virus.  Or maybe I got it from you.

    To top it off, I even ended up stuck in a meeting tomorrow with the IT Director and a couple of individuals from the Governor-elects office.  Woo (snot, snot) hoo!  I am sure that it will be that much more fun with the cold.

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