Top 10 Reasons Why Crissy Out and Out Refuses To Go Sledding

It snowed like a bastard here all weekend and everything is beautiful and lovey and snowy and look at Crissy’s house:


See? Pretty.

And today Mister and Girlfriend are going sledding while Crissy is at work.

Crissy’d much rather be at home doing laundry and reading smut than working or sledding because work blows and Crissy is ascared of sledding, but it wasn’t always that way.

When Crissy was a wee little Crissy she loved, loved, loved to go sledding. She had a big hill behind her house and she and her brother would spend hours just going down the hill and making jumps and stuff and trying to bury one another’s heads in the snow with the eventual goal of fratricide or sororicide, depending on who is doing the ‘ciding.

But it’s really hard to drown in snow so it never worked and the little bastard is still alive and well and living in Florida.

He hates the snow.

Gee…Crissy wonders why.

Anywho, one day Crissy went sledding at her friend Katie’s house. Katie had a monsterous hill and her brothers, unbeknownst to Crissy and Katie, had run the garden hose down the hill which turned it into a Ice Luge over night.

And Crissy and Katie went down the hill.

Remember the scene from Christmas Vacation with the metal saucer sled and the non-caloric silicon based kitchen lubricant?

It was like that and it fucked Crissy up for life.

And that is reason number one why Crissy does not go sledding.

#2. Having to pee. They don’t have toilets at sledding. It never fails that after Crissy gets her snow bunny outfit on and arrives at the sledding place, she has to pee. Or go pookipsie.
#3. The screaming. Careening out of control on a spinning, rolling, bouncing thunder tube or some such suicide device is not what Crissy calls fun. Mister says she needs to work on her technique but Crissy is too busy screaming, throwing up and dying to think about such nonsense. She may or may not pookipsie in her pants.
#4. Climbing back up the hill. Bullshit on that.
#5. Damn children. Crissy does not understand why people have to bring their kids to these kinds of things. It is clearly no place for children what with all the drinking and smoking and swearing going on. Or is Crissy the only one who shows up with a flask full of scotch and a pack of smokes and screams “FFFFFFUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!” all the way down the hill? She’s never noticed.
#6. Wet.
#7. Cold.
#8. Crissy can’t think of anything else so it turns out that there’s only 7 reasons why she doesn’t go sledding.

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  1. Your husband always takes the best pictures of your house. I wish he would take some pictures of my condo…I think maybe then it would sell.

    And sledding really isnt any fun unless you get to watch some kids get hurt.

  2. I have a slight hill in my backyard, but we don’t sled down it because by the time you reach the bottom your sled as a nice coating of dog shit on it.  

    Apparently my dog likes to take a dump on an incline…..

  3. This wee Katie fell in a deep, deep hole whilst sledding and couldn’t get out. It’s scarred her for life. No sledding. Or ice skating. She might drown.

  4. Count me IN for sledding.  Who knows how many kids I’ve traumitized, sipping from my flask and screaming obscenities as I sled down the hill.

    Kids are pretty good for hauling your drunk ass up the hill, though.  For some reason they think it’s a fun game.

  5. You should’ve come with Sweets and me to his parents’ house yesterday. We were going to go sledding when the 2 year old nephew arrived. But said screw that. We took the dogs out back. And Sweets’ parents went sledding. His dad dominated, but his mom definitely took her turn. They finally convinced Sweets and me to join in on the fun. No kids. And the potty was just inside the door. Awesome.

  6. That’s why you go sledding at a tubing park not in someone’s backyard.  They have toilets, a snack bar and best of all, a device to haul my fat ass back up the hill.  Solves almost all those problems!

  7. Winter sports are out for me.

    I used to sled while livng in GE andonce I went over a stump or root or something.  Hurt my arse and ‘essentials’ and I haven’t sled since then…and I never will!!  And skiing scarred my ass for life as well.

    Your house is pretty! It looks peaceful (he,heh,heh). You should see my house for the holidays. My husband changes the outdoor bulbs to green and red, comes back in the house, and sits on the couch. Done!

  8. I don’t do sledding either. When I was a kid, I fell and scraped my chin and that stuck with me. My face is my power. Either that or my butt. I can’t remember what Kiala and I decided. Her hair is her power. I think it was my butt. Was it my butt? Yeah, it couldn’t have been my face.

  9. Look, strap Girlfriend and Alice to the front of the sled and you never have to walk back up the hill again.  Oh!  Is that why you’re having Taco?  Are you trying to put together a team for the Iditarod?

  10. Your house is beautiful and I agree 110% on your entire list!  I gave you an award over on my blog if you’re interested!  Thanks for keeping me entertained!

  11. Yeah… #2, #4, #6 & #7 are pretty much my reasons for not going sledding. But I would think that not wanting to dislodge Taco early would be a key factor in skipping the sledding this year.  So, that’s another reason for your list. At least for this year.

  12. You should definitely just pee your pants b/c it’ll freeze instantly anyway. 

    I hate sledding, but I love snow tubing… I haven’t been in years but I remember it being fun. 

  13. We used to go to the snow every year on New Years Day.  Then, the last time we went I slipped while I was VERY CAREFULLY walking to help my little boy. I did the whole fly up in the air and land on your back thing and you know, we haven’t been back since lol.

  14. I have never been sledding but almost dying is always a buttload of fun. 
    The problem is that everything is more fun if you can do it comfortably naked and drunk and when you can pee when you want to and when there is no work involved and maybe some cake involved somewhere. 

  15. We  used to go to this giant hill of sand dunes near my parent’s house in Albany.  Once my friend and I went down together on a metal saucer thingie and we hit a giant bump, flew into the air and I came down on top of her head, knocking her out briefly.  Good times!
    And my daughter’s friend was sledding yesterday in the evening at Moses Brown, hit a pole, got knocked out, received a giant goose egg on her forehead and broke her nose.   Happy Holidays indeed!

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