Oh Chia Tree, Oh Chia Tree, Na, Na, Na, Hmm, Hmm, Hmm, Hmm…

And so much like when Oprah does it, Crissy is sure that the Queefs have been anxiously awaiting Crissy’s Favorite Things list.

And guess what?


No you’re not.


Crissy doesn’t even 0wn these things yet so the chances of her giving them to the Queefs are like, well, not good.

First up on Crissy’s list is this:

She included a picture so that when she says she wants a Le Creuset Dutch Oven for Christmas the less refined Queefs among us won’t think it’s a fancy Frenchy way to fart in Crissy’s bed. Michele has one and now Crissy wants it too.

And Crissy has been particularly cold this year already and it seems that none of her numerous coats and jackets are keeping her warm and so now she wants this:

And she chose ivory because it’s the only color she liked out of all the choices and they didn’t have dark plum like she would have prefered (!!!) but she’s a little nervous about the ivory because once she starts to become rather rotund and bovine around February/March-ish she’s scared she’s going to look like this:

Or this:

Or this:

And so we’ll see if Santa brings it or not and see how it goes. Crissy just realized that Michele has the exact same coat and so she must want to be Michele for Christmas.

And of course there’s always this but it needs to have a big blue bow on it (Crissy does not like red):

Because Crissy needs a sweet ride for the ten minute trip from her house to the school to work and back every day. But Santa is a notoriously cheap bastard and is always worrying about paying for food and shelter and boring and stupid and unnecessary things like that so the chances of it actually appearing under the tree this year are not so good.

Michele does NOT have a BMW in case you were wondering.

But what Crissy really, really, really wants this year is one of these:

And this year they even have one with a little star on top of it. Crissy has been asking for a Chia Tree for about 10 years now and everyone laughs at her like it’s all a big joke but it’s not! Crissy really wants a Chia Tree god dammit! And it’s becoming clear that nobody loves her because she is continually denied this, the most simple and inexpensive of requests.

She’s got more of a chance of getting the BMW than she has of getting a motherfucking Chia Tree.

Do you see how cruel people are to your Crissy?

It’s almost like they don’t even care she’s the QOFE.

They shit in a bag and give it to her for Christmas.

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  1. The Chia franchise is not a joke! Why do people never take these requests seriously?

    ..AND the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man is probably my favorite  thing about the first Ghostbusters. So if you looked like him, that would be AWESOME!

  2. I think the Chia Tree is even MORE appealing now that it has the glow light.  Before that, I only ever wanted Chia Garfield but now that they’ve added the glow light it’s a different story.

  3. Are Santa and Mister one and the same? I only ask because they appear to both worry about paying for the same unnecessary things.

    And how is it possible that no one has given you a Chia Tree yet? That’s just silly.

  4. It would make me very happy if you looked like Stay Puft.  He’s cool.  And what’s up with Santa being so unfair.  My Santa is a cheap ass too.  Bastards! 
    I had a Chia Sheep many, many years ago.  I think I bought it for myself, b/c there wasn’t even one fucking person that took me serious about it either.  It was cool, but I can’t remember what happened to the damn thing.  I think I became bored with it.  It just sat there.  Looking all green and shit. 

  5. I have a Le Crueset dutch oven. They are so amazing. You can make anything in it. I’ve made bread in it. The best thing ever you can ever have in your kitchen. Mine’s red (sorry).

    So, Ken, if you want to eat, you better rustle up that $85 for a dutch oven, you know?

  6. id like a dark plum color in that puffy coat as well.
    i hate when girls wear the cream colored one and then it gets their heaps of gross cake-y makeup all over it?  know what im saying?  ew.
    i hope you get that little chia guy this year!

  7. I tried to convince my son to ask Santa to for a Chia-something this year because I wanted one. He refused, the little bastard.

  8. Was just looking for a few more rhymes and songs for tonights Holiday storytime and found this little gem

    (sung to the tune of “I’m a Little Teapot”)
    I’m a little Christmas tree tall and straight
    Here are my branches for you to decorate.
    First you put the star on the very top
    Just be careful that my balls don’t drop


  9. We got two dutch ovens for wedding presents and I gifted one dutch oven to my husband the other night. I don’t think he appreciated my international culture.

  10. I like the Chia buttplug tree, too.

    I know how you feel. I have been asking for shit in a bag for years and all I ever get are BMWs.

    I think the cow is pretty damn hot.

  11. I have wanted that dutch oven for years…  And you know, I asked for a butter dish for like 4 years and no on would give me one.  So I finally quit asking.

  12. My mom’s been asking for the Chia cat for years. We’ve never gotten it for her. 1) because she’ll kill it and feel bad 2) because no one could actually want a chia thingy for christmas. Christmas is for shoes and clothes and jewelry. Not chia trees.

  13. I do not have Crissy’s postal address so will, sadly, just have to ask Santa to be sure to deliver her a chia tree.  I was going to send handmade bath salts but due to a previous post would worry that the QOFE might think I was implying she smells less than awesome…(which totally would NOT be the case!)

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