Christmas Letter

This year, Crissy has decided to send out a Christmas letter.

And why shouldn’t she?

The world deserves to know what the Queen of Fucking Everything has been up to in 2008. You know, just in case they don’t read her blog.

Which is unimaginable, but apparently true.

Crissy is sure you Queefs will agree that she’s been up to some pretty bad ass shit.


here goes:

We hope this letter finds you happy and healthy this year!

2008 has been a year of ups and downs for us, but mostly ups (speaking of ups, Mister is finally able to get an erection after his Ball Cancer surgery this past spring! Hooray for the Penis Pump!) and we have no one but Jesus to thank for it and all our other blessings this year.

Without His love and guidance we could never have survived The Cancer, that nasty incident with the shotgun and the dog shitting on our lawn, the run-in with the Historical Society over the statue in the front yard, and of course the trial. Does Crissy look like a drug trafficker to you? Just because she had a teensy weensy bit of cocaine snuggled up her ass it makes her a “criminal.” Crissy still thinks it’s bullshit that she got pulled over for running those 6 or 10 red lights and lightly slamming into a few parked cars and pedestrians and stuff. It’s not like anyone was killed. And what’s up with the full cavity search? What kind of a society do we live in where a person is not free to shove a 5 lb bag of coke up her ass when the 5-0 is at the car door if she so chooses? It’s a crazy world isn’t it?

It scares Crissy.

And Girlfriend is doing great! She is so beautiful and so smart and she is growing up so quickly! She already has a boyfriend! Crissy and Mister are just hoping that she can graduate from Pre-K before she and Julio decide to settle down and start a family. Her vocabulary is quite impressive too! Recently, she has added the phrases “fucking moron, stupid asshole, and frigging guy” to her repertoire.

We couldn’t be more proud!

And Crissy has an announcement to make! She’s Pregnant!!!! And the judge says she can keep the baby as long as she can stay in a rehab program for at least 6 weeks. She’s taking this pregnancy seriously: so far it’s been 3 days and Crissy has only shot up 8 times. Keep your fingers crossed for us!!!! After the baby is born, we’ll have a paternity test done to prove to Mister that the baby belongs to him or at least one of his five closest friends and not Crissy’s brother. It was just the one time and you think he’d be able to let it go! Clearly, we’re still working on our “trust issues” during our court-appointed therapy sessions.

And Mister has a few things of his own brewing too! First off, he’s very excited to announce that he’s working on his very first photography book: 24 Hours in a Chin Strap Dildo. It’s a very exciting project and it should be out in early summer. Also, bad news. The Ball Cancer spread to his ass and now he has The Ass Cancer. We were wondering what all the sharting was about. We just thought it was from shoving all those random things he finds around the house up his ass for so many years.

As his Nana Stephanie used to say, “laugh now, cry later.”

Sage words, Nana. Sage words…miss you every day.

Damn shame you didn’t see that biker coming.

And that’s all that’s going on here! We cannot wait to see what 2009 has in store for us!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you all. May 2009 find you pissing hot chocolate and riding to Candy Land on the back of a glittery pink Pegasus.

PS: Attached you will find a 130 page comprehensive list of all the words Crissy said this year. Enjoy!

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  1. You crack my shit up!  I used to be a public defender (you know, if you can’t afford an attorney, one will be provided for you?).  I’m pretty sure this exact same Christmas letter went out from at least ONE of my clients.  I had a criminal law professor in law school that said most of his exam questions and hypotheticals came from real life – you just can’t make this kind of shit up 🙂

    Happy Holidays!!!!!

  2. I looovvvvveeee you!!

    Oh, and are you SURE Julio isn’t Taco’s baby daddy?  Huh?  C’mon now…… isn’t your brother…..IT’S GIRLFRIEND’S Boyfriend!  You just didn’t want us to judge you for screwing your daughter’s boyfriend, right?

  3. The po-po can be sooo narrow-minded!  With  power outages that leave people unable to cook their meth, you’d think they’d have better things to worry about than a 5lb brick of coke up the QOFE’s ass!  She was just trying to keep it warm!  No one likes to snort cold coke.

  4. Yes, Rachel! And maybe airbrush the nude picture onto an image of Ken’s statue and Girlfriend being all 3 years old. It’ll be awesome! I’d like to order 25 of those and send them to my nearest and dearest.

  5. I was surprised that the speculum didn’t make the letter…
    And I’d like to see the Barbie re-enactment of the whole coke bust incident.  Thanks also for giving me an idea of why Mister is pantsless around the house… it’s such a time waster to have to keep removing pants when you have a butt-stuffing  quota to fulfill.
    Ahhh, holiday letters! So entertaining and informative!

  6. My family always looks forward to the Christmas Letter from one particularly annoying friend of the family. But those letters are nothing compared to this. I don’t know if I can read your blog at work anymore because I think my boss may catch on to the fact that I’m not really “working” when she hears all the laughter coming from my office.

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