Vaseline: Perfect for Chapped Lips and Banging Your Mother

So Crissy and Mister and Girlfriend had Rich and Michele and Alena over for dinner on Saturday night and we had a lovely time and the children destroyed the house but it was okay because they entertained each other for four hours while we had interaction with grown ups.

Crissy was so happy they came over that she almost humped Rich’s leg when he came in.

And then Michele’s a few minutes later.

Crissy really has to lay off the smutty books.

She’s in danger of committing some sort of sex crime or at the very least embarrassing herself at The Wal-Mart which is pretty hard to do but she thinks she could manage it.

And Michele told Crissy about the time her sisters hid in the back of her parent’s Suburban and overheard them talking about a Swinger party and it was so funny you guys and it of course led to a parentals having sex conversation.

And Crissy remembered the all too recent moment she realized that the tub of Vaseline her dad kept in his nightstand right there on top of his pile of Playboys was NOT for lip gloss like Crissy thought it was for years, using it for that purpose until one horrifying, horrifying, moment.

It was in high school when somebody was talking about Vaseline as sex lube and it clicked in Crissy’s head why her dad’s Vaseline always had a big hand scoop print in it.

It always seemed odd to Crissy that he used so much of it…

And then…

Oooooooohhhhh….

The sun came over the mountain.

OH GOD, OH GOD, OH GOD, OH Gooooooooooddddddddddddddddddddd!!!!

EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW!!!!!

That was her parent’s sex lube she was using as lip gloss because her wretched mother wouldn’t buy her any Bubble Gum flavor Kissing Potion like she wanted!

Remember that stuff?

And you know what finally dawned on Crissy on Saturday night, while talking to Michele?

Maybe that wasn’t sex lube at all.

Maybe that was her dad’s own personal lubricant.

After all, he did keep it right there with his porn.

Even.

More.

Horrifying!

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32 comments

  1. vaseline: perfect for chapped lips, banging your mother, and milking out knuckle children.

    there’s no better way to start your week than to imagine one’s father’s wedding tackle, erect and glistening in the light under a thick layer of petroleum jelly.

  2. I am HORRIFIED FOR you. Dear gawd that would send me into a tailspin of disgust and freak outs and AAAAHHHH

    AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH

    Ok.

    I”m done.

    I think?

    long story short? I really, really feel for you.

  3. kissing potion was Sah-Weet! I had bubble gum and grape

    Thankfully NO porn, swinging, or lube happened (that I knew about) as my parents have probably not had relations since 1981.

  4. omg, I feel so bad for you. When I was little I used to look at my dad’s porn mags n then he caught me one day and hid them. But at least I never used his lube as lip gloss…

  5. Well it’s not like he was throwing his junk into the vaseline container…he was using his hand to scoop it out…

    No biggie here.  Sharing is a part of being a family.

  6. Disturbing and utterly unbelievable.  Next you’re going to tell me that the muscle massager I got from my parent’s nightstand to soothe my aching legs after soccer practice was not really a muscle massager.  Okay, please don’t tell me that.

  7. I don’t see what all the fuss is about.

    In these Troubled Economic Times, a family could learn a valuable lesson from Crissy’s story.

    About sharing.

    And proper moisturization.

  8. You’ve ruined me. My parents had vaseline on their nightstand, too. And I used it for lip gloss.

    Good thing I’ve been in therapy for eight years now. This is just more fodder.

  9. Laughing my ass off!!  That is beyond hilarious. That is a perfect movie scene Crissy!  At the moment you realize this, you can be visiting for the holidays and be standing in the bedroom with some vaseline on your fingertip, and then when the lightbulb goes off, the camera zooms in on your finger and the audience spies a “short &curly” on the vaseline. And then you gag and rub your lips violently and run from the room. When you run out the room and into the kitchen you crash into someone holding the holiday roast,  which goes flying through the air and lands on Mister’s lap.  And then…

    (Have I gone too far with this? Oops! My bad.)

  10. what a sad realization to have to come to terms with.

    and that kissing potion was hilarious stuff in fact any lip “gloss” that involved a ball point for application.

  11. I guaran-god-damn-tee that post made every single person who read it think about his or her parents having sex.  Or their dad choking the chicken, which I think, is even worse. Good job.  Not many people could have pulled that off so tastefully…

  12. The mere thought of my parents having sex is horrifying. I’d much rather live my life in happy ignorance. They had sex twice. Once for me. Once for my brother. That’s it.

    You know what’s worse than discovering your dad’s Vaseline? Discovering your mom writes a dirty blog! =)

    1. actually, crissy’s mom is quite hot, if i say so myself. it’s one of the reasons i married my wife. 😉

      she’s better looking than she thinks she is, which is always a plus. there are a couple of pics available here.

  13. In college I suffered from horrible migraines and when the doctors finally figured out they were partly caused by dry air, they suggested I put Vaseline under my nose each night before I went to bed.  And said that it works great on chapped lips as well.  My roommates never bought that story as a feasible explanation for the Vaseline on my night stand, but it’s the truth.  But I kept it far from my porn.

  14. No Vaseline in my house… INDUSTRIAL SIZE K-Y tube on the table next to the ‘rent’s bed.   I could never understand, though, why Mom had all sorts of dry skin lotion because I had it in my head that “personal lubricant” must be for dry skin…  I finally figured out that my stepfather just wanted “unscented” lotion. 

    I’ll leave you to imagine my “sun coming over the mountain” moment the first time a boyfriend pulled out the K-Y. (“Hmmm, this is a strange time to be thinking about dry skin…”)

  15. you rock chrissy… i’m a  sex educator so i felt compelled to remind everyone that vaseline is a terrible lubricant if your using it with condoms!

    anything that has petroleum in it will cause condoms to break… even lip gloss 🙂

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