Use Lemons to Clean Garbage Disposal, Do Not Break Pyrex.

So remember how Crissy said Wednesday was a bad day and she wanted to hide under her bed? Well yesterday started out just fine and Crissy went to work to find that they had bought us bagels for breakfast and also some M&Ms to go with them and it was just. great.

And Crissy didn’t want to leave work because who would want to go home and take care of Girlfriend and do filthy New York laundry when you can stay at work and read blogs get a lot of work done and eat candy?

Ew. Nobody.

But Crissy had to come home and face the suitcases and the dishwasher and when she opened her door the house stinked.

It smelled like Satan’s asshole if you want to know the truth.

Don’t ask how Crissy knows what Satan’s asshole smells like but just trust Crissy because she never exaggerates to her Queefs.

It was coming from the vicinity of the kitchen sink and so Crissy tore the place apart and cleaned all underneath the sink and took out the recycling and the trash and cleaned the garbage disposal (all you do is throw an whole lemon in there. Crissy had to look it up) and the trash compactor and the fridge and she used enough cleaning stuff to certainly make Taco some sort of 6 headed freak baby and still!

Now it stinked like Satan’s asshole after being violated by Mr. Clean.

And Crissy was at her wit’s end.

And then she noticed the very innocent looking box of Clementines sitting on the counter and began to unpack it.

And here, dear Queefs, is the villain:

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One rotten little fucker made the whole house stink. So Crissy took care of it and Girlfriend washed the ick off the Clementines that were still good and we moved on to making cookies for Daddy.

And it went great until Crissy’s mixer shit the bed and she had to break her arms off trying to cream the butter and the sugar together. Crissy learned the hard way that you have to melt the butter more if you’re going to mix by hand. And now Crissy wants a new mixer in case any of you need a gift idea. She wants one like Melissa’s please.

Only in pink because why the fuck not pink?

And then we Girlfriend spilled the sugar all over the floor. And then whilst looking in every cabinet for the god damned cooling racks, Crissy’s new Pyrex pie plate came tumbling out of the cabinet and smashed all over the fucking floor.

Pyrex makes an epic mess.

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Do not break Pyrex.

And then when Crissy went to vacuum up all the Pyrex dust, the cord to the vacuum bumped over Crissy’s glass of water which spilled anyone? anyone? onto the plate of cookies.

Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!

And Crissy tried to take a picture of the soggy cookies but the fucking camera battery died. Crissy is not even sure what possessed her to take pictures of her disasters in the kitchen yesterday but she did.

Would you have rather seen her dirty New York panties?

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36 comments

  1. That. Fucking. Sucks.

    I wonder though, how did that one orange get so rotten? I hope you threw all of those oranges away. The Rot spreads like a bad case of herpes among fruit.

  2. Poor Crissy.  No one wants to live in Satan’s asshole.

    And if someone does want to live in Satan’s asshole, I do not want to hear about it.
    Poor Mister.  Unless he likes soggy cookies.  In which case–score!

  3. Clearly this post should be called Crissy and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, day. I’m so sorry.

    ..and I’m sure if Taco does come out with six heads, that they at least will be very pretty heads.

  4. Good Morning;
    Been there.  Know how you feel.  The key at times like those is to pause, breath deeply, and ask yourself “so what?”  I know-sounds lame, but maybe it will help to tell you about how I had a very difficult day yesterday b/c of you (stay with me)..Found your blog two days ago and enjoyed reading but have to do so Bond-like b/c 9y.o. wants to read over my shoulder and too much too explain before wine.  The next nite after all finally asleep read blogs by myself on the couch by lite of Christmas tree.  Laughed out loud. Peed a little (well, not really b/c I was reclining but if was standing or even sitting I would definately peed).  After a while I realized my eyes were hurting b/c it was 2a.m.!!!  Brain somewhat comprimised next day and only more basic central nerv sys functions working so no happy mommy.  A nice cabernet/Adivan/Adderall bolus may have done the job but info retension non-existent so forgot as soon as I was distracted by something else.
    Better today.
    Love your blog!
    Annabelle
    p.s. those boxes of clementines always have older ones mixed in. ALWAYS. I try to give as many as I can a gently squeeze before I choose which box I buy and yes,sometimes people do watch me but I figure I have given Stop&Shop tens of thousands of $ by this time so if I want to get my jollys every once in a while they can pimp out some clems!….    Also the ones from Spain seem to be best

  5. You know what I said about my kitchen aid mixer?
    Why the fuck not lime green.
    And the elder woman of the family gasped in horror when I unwrapped that gem at my bridal shower.
    And it made me very, very happy.

  6. I say just throw the dirty clothes in the dishwasher and be done with it.  There’s no reason you should be the only one in the household to multi-task.  While you’re at it, you should teach Girlfriend to make cosmos for occasions such as this.

  7. That was truly another shitty day!  Geez.  There aren’t enough fancy bath salts on the planet to make that right.  I wanted a drink just hearing about it. 

    I hate when shit doesn’t go my way!  Hope the weekend is better for you!

  8. Myself, I enjoy a merlot/effexor/Tetrahydrocannabinol brownie concoction.

    That is an awful day, Crissy. Remind me to tell you about the time two days ago when the kittens knocked over a whole can of paint. Oh, we laaaaauuughed.

    Except the opposite of that.

  9. I was going to blog about that rotten orange smell. I HATE THAT SMELL. I hate it worse than cat barf, dirty diapers and *I’ll say it* raw chicken.  And someone who is not me broke one of my pyrex pans in the oven. Oh that was too much fun. (When bread breaking goes wrong.)  And I made cookies last night but I didn’t spill water on them. So we have the exact same life, except the water part.
    Yes on the dirty panties.

  10. Wow…and I thought i was the only one who put off going home and being with my family so I can finish reading blogs at my library job.

    You wanna hear nasty in the rotten-citrus department? When they dump old citrus from the groves into the cow pastures and the dang cows don’t eat it fast enough. Not a good time to be riding by on a motorcycle, or with open car windows.

  11. That’ll teach you for drinking water instead of rum. Rum would make the cookies much better. Especially for girlfriend, if she was able to get some.
    And your question? Do you really want an answer?

  12. This post makes me angry! It’s not fair when all that bad shit happens all at once. The least the damn universe can do is spread that shit out a little bit. Ugh.

  13. If I could get the POSSLQ a Kitchenaid Mixer, I don’t think he’d care if it was puce or chartreuse or whatever… Hell, he’d probably still do a happy dance for a pink one.  But, alas, that is a purchase for a holiday where I’ve been gainful employment’s bitch for a while.

    I think Crissy needs an entire weekend of bathing whilst reading smutty books behind a LOCKED bathroom door!

  14. I’m so sorry that we can’t have a bottle glass of wine together…but how about a good cry laugh together over the phone tonight?!
     

  15. okay–that looks ridiculous.  Apparently I can’t stirke out the words bottle and cry so it looks like I’m schizo, or just stupid.

    Now we’ve both had a bad day.

  16. @ Rach- I miss you Miss Wachul.  If I’m awake after the banshees go to bed I will call you.  I’ll have pretend wine while you get shit faced.  That will make me feel really great.

  17. I have the worst Pyrex story ever — under our oven we had one of those little drawers you can put pans and stuff in. I had an old Pyrex baking dish under there, and after preheating the oven I took it out when too my horror I realized the oven was a piece of shit and the Pyrex was COMPLETELY SEARINGLY HOT. I took the Pyrex out with a potholder and put it in the sink, running cold water over it to cool it off. BIG MISTAKE. The ENTIRE DISH EXPLODED ALL OVER ME. The extreme heat and cold caused it to completely expand/contract and I had a MILLION fragments of Pyrex all over the floor and in the sink. Which of course fell into the garbage disposal, causing a clean up the likes of which you’ve never seen. So fair warning — NEVER heat a Pyrex and then put it under a cold faucet. Havoc will certainly be reaked.

  18. Geez Crissy. TGIF…or something else to make you smile after that horror.

    I would have exploded in that kitchen with all those little mishaps.  I’m easily frustrated and the neighbors would have found me covered in flour, hair breaking off in chunks and shivering in my pantry.

  19. You saying you know that is smelled like Satan’s asshole reminds me of what my co-workers say to me when I say “it tastes like ass”. I don’t really KNOW it tastes like ass b/c I’ve never tasted an ass. It’s just something they should trust me on.

    Oh and sorry about your shitty day. I HATE days like that when NOTHING goes right.  Piss on them.

  20. stealthnerd: i thought i told everyone she wasn’t wearing panties at dinner? did you think i was kidding?

    kellie: if you’ve never tasted ass you haven’t really lived… rimjobs ftmfw!

    have a good weekend, queefs! 🙂

    CP

  21. I’m sorry but I laughed so hard when I read this! 

    Can I come over and make cookies with you the next time you do so? Except please no smelly rotten fucker clementines.

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