The Ghetto Bath

So yesterday Crissy had a serious case of The Exhaustion and The Overwhelmedness which made it one of those days where she felt like nobody loved her and that life was a piece of shit and she just wanted to crawl under her bed and cry her heart out and then just die.

But of course she had work to pretend to do at the library and Girlfriend to deliver and retrieve from school and Moo Shu Tofu to make for dinner before the cabbage went bad in the fridge and gave everyone a poopy stomach and she just had to press on and of course Mister was late coming home from work which made the day even longer for your poor sad Crissy.

But Mister finally did come home and Crissy went to take a hot bath, read her smutty book (anyone read the Beauty series by Anne Rice? Degrading sex on every page! Woo hoo!), get Sexy Time (thanks Anne! Oh, and Mister too) and fall asleep.

And that’s what happened and Crissy is right as rain again.

Mostly.

But while Crissy was in a bath full of her fancy Kama Sutra Treasures of the Sea bath salts that smell so good you guys, and she saves them for the most desperate times because they cost eleventy hundred thousand dollars per tin, Girlfriend busts in and wants to “wash mommy’s leggies.”

“Okay fine. Wash mommy’s leggies. Thank you honey.”

Where the fuck is Mister, and why is this child not in her cage bed?

And then Mister comes in slightly out of breath from running up multiple flights of stairs from the basement carrying a foot pump that went with an inflatable wind surfer that we had and put the air squirty end into the tub in an effort to make Crissy a Whirlpool bath.

Mister is great for Macgyvering Ghetto rigs.

Has Crissy ever told you about the Ghetto Slip n’ Slide he made using a large green tarp, a garden hose, and his naked ass?

And what about the Ghetto see-saw he made for Girlfriend using an old splintery board and a propane tank?

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Crissy actually has a picture of that one.

You don’t want to see the Slip n’ Slide pictures. Nobody wants to see a 6 foot 4, 190lb man hurling himself naked onto a tarp and sliding down it on his ass.

And if you do you’re a sickie.

So anyways, Crissy just laid there staring at the ceiling thinking about the $50 tablespoon of wasted bath salts she was soaking in whilst the foot pump project turned into a game where Mister and Girlfriend competed to make the biggest geyser by jumping up and down on it.

Crissy’s note to self: Get an apartment and tell no one.

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29 comments

  1. well, consider that i could have dragged in the hose from the compressor…

    the thought crossed my mind.

    maybe i should call glenn up and see if he’s still got that hot tub shell?  we’ve got a far better yard for it now.

    on a side note, please do keep on reading smutty books.

  2. I must get those books.

    Must.

    And I giggled when I pictured you laying there in the tub looking at the ceiling, trying to ignore the geysers. Poor Crissy.

  3. Mister should write a book about all his Macgyvering Ghetto rigs so he can sell it and make you millions upon trillions of dollars. Then I think you can definitely get that apartment for yourself.

  4. I’m going to put my ‘Mister’s 101 McGyvering Tricks’ coffee table book right next to my ‘Mister’s Most Inappropriate Places for a Chin Dildo’ book.

    Perhaps he will release them in a boxed set for Christmas?

  5. Girl, even though I’m laughing, I’m crying on the inside.  That’s my life only add two more kids.  Three boys and a husband that have no concept of personal time or space.  hahaha

  6. You must stop writing posts such as this. I mean it. You’re SCARING Sweets. Boyfriend doesn’t want kids. Because of shit like this. You’re ruining my brainwashing plan. For the love of gods! You’d do that for a friend, wouldn’t ya?

  7. Diana likes to check in on me while sit in my shitty bath.  One time she asked if she could wash my back, I said sure and turned around….and than lost most of my precious, precious flesh.  She had, unbeknownst to me, the dishwashing brush and decided that my back needed a VERY strong scrubbing.
    Owie 
     

  8. So if I ever visit can Ken and I build crazy shit and drink beers?

    I mean, he’ll have to build the stuff because I can’t do anything like that, so mainly I’ll just cheer him on and drink.

  9. I’m a bath stuff fanatic to the point that I am going to start making my own bath products.  I’ll bet I could hook you up with some awesome bath stuff and it won’t be $50 a scoop, either.

    And I think Mr. McGuyver had better hook you up with a lock for the bathroom door… Because the QOFE needs alone time with her smutty books in the tub!

  10. That first paragraph is exactly how I felt yesterday. I should’ve followed your example and taken a bath when I got home I don’t know if Chuckles could macguyver me a hot tub though. I’ll have to ask…

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