New York Welcomes The QOFE, Offers Key to the City.

Crissy knows Queefs.

You’ve all been waiting anxiously, tossing and turning in your beds (and not in a good way), and pulling your hair out waiting to hear about where Crissy was for so long.

Crissy went to NYC!!!

There’s nothing like New York at Christmas time Queefs. Nothing.

The filth and the crazy assholes and the stink are all decorated with millions of twinkling little lights for the holidays.

It’s breathtaking, really, and Crissy wanted Girlfriend to see it before Taco comes and makes traveling an epic nightmare.

The Crissys had a lovely time though.

First, we had awesome seats to see The Rockettes Christmas Spectacular:


We were only three rows back and Girlfriend was totally riveted and didn’t move the whole time.


And Mister was bummed out because Crissy told him the Rockettes would get naked for the finale but this is as close as they got.


Crissy had to get him into the theater somehow.

It’s not lying, if it’s almost true.

There’s a difference people.

And of course we walked everywhere because Mister is too cheap to take a cab walking in 30 degree weather is invigorating, and Crissy feels like she was totally recognizable as the QOFE because she was the only one who had a pink coat. Everyone else wears black or some shade of brown. This probably explains why everyone was trying to give her informational booklets regarding bus tours and Jesus and stuff.


Crissy thinks it was sweet that New York put in so much effort to welcome her.

And this is Crissy’s room. It was 7′ X 21′ and it was a millionty degrees.

The Crissys nearly killed one another in there and nobody slept because Girlfriend sleeps alloverthefuckingbed.


Crissy wishes she could have taken something for The Claustrophobia because she felt like she wanted to bust through a wall, Incredible Hulk style.

But what do you expect in NY?

And there’s this sign near the elevator:


Does anyone proofread anymore Queefs? Crissy wants to know.

But the most important part of Crissy’s trip was meeting some of her Main Queefs for the first time.

We went to dinner with the adorable Chris and Arielle , the incredibly gorgeous Dingo, and the cutie pie Lauren who has a wonderful ass. Chris will probably be mad that Crissy is calling him adorable but really she means Arielle is adorable. Chris is just a cranky pants. But he smells nice and he’s really hot so it doesn’t matter.

Crissy is also a cranky pants and so that means that despite some obvious anatomical differences, Chris and Crissy are exactly like twins. We even have the same name.

Here’s Arielle and Dingo on the left and Chris and Lauren and Crissy on the right. Look at how hard Chris and Crissy pounded water.


Crissy thinks that if she weren’t knocked up, she and Chris would have wound up shit-faced whilst the rest of the table looked at us with their Judgy Judgington eyes.


Mister looked totally hot, right?

And Crissy had some wine but only one glass.


And Lauren showed us her ass.


And it is very, very fine.


Crissy wanted to touch it but she didn’t. Maybe on the second date though. Lauren also brought Crissy a Coach purse and a stuffed Schnauzer for Girlfriend. She’s too sweet!

And then we went to see the big Christmas tree because they don’t let you leave until you do. Either that or they don’t give a rat’s ass if you die in the gutter.


And now the Crissys are home.

Commence worshiping now.

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  1. I would be more excited about the blogger dinner than the Rockettes show. I don’t really know who the Rockettes are. But wait – did Chris, Lauren, Ari and Dingo dance around in sequins? ‘Cause then I think you’d get the best of both worlds.

    And why is the comment box asking me for ‘Path:’? I DON’T UNDERSTAND!

  2. I am so jealous.  Why didn’t you COME HERE?  I could have provided you with a 20 yr old hide-a-bed, a half bath in a cool basement, with 3 dogs, and a cat (and a couple of teenagers)to keep Girlfriend company!  Oh, and I have an air mattress that she could sleep on, so you and Mister could, well…….you know (the puppy watches–and tries his best to be petted during the ‘you know’.

    Oh, and there’s an ancient weight bench with ALL KINDS of weights on it that Mister could have used to impress you with.

    We could have seen the state capitol!!  Our 6 foot undecorated tree!!!  WAL MART!!!!  Duh…….Why was NYC so special?

    You could have taken Girlfriend to the dollar movie here for entertainment and we could have hit APPLEBEES or RUBY TUESDAY for dinner.

    We could have driven through neighborhoods oooohing and ahhhhing over pathetic Christmas lights.

    Jeez, Crissy—-NYC?  I have no clue why you and Mister didn’t choose Mid Missouri for your vacation hot spot.

    I am hurt.

  3. Niiice!  I loves New York…yes, I said loves.  So much to do, so little time!  I lived there and have some fond memories…I was nearly shanked once! Cool, huh? 

    “alloverthefuckingbed.”  I feel you! My daughter is a freakin’ ninja! She will maim your ass! I went to give her a kiss recently and she swung around and nearly broke my damn nose!

  4. What a fun fun fun trip but OMG too bad no one could sleep hanging from the window Mister stood in to take the picture.  My combined closet space is bigger than that room I think.

  5. I love New York at Christmastime! I used to go every Thanksgiving to see my sister, but NOooooo, she had to move to Woodstock. Weirdo. And the Rockette’s Christmas show? I looked just like Girlfriend when I went! Rapture. Complete.

    I didn’t understand why everyone in NY wears black until my sister said it’s because of the dirt. And the smog. And the rats.

  6. And now all of your Queefs can see for themselves just how cute my little butt is!  You’re all jealous now, aren’t you?  You all want to come to NYC now, don’t you?

    Well GOOD!

  7. I am a cranky pants, that’s for sure.  And I agree – had you not had a bun in the oven (that means pregnant) we would’ve got wasted together.  Next time. 

  8. i really should have grabbed lauren’s little butt. looking good is only half the equation.. it really has to feel good too. texture and consistency is key.

    matt, the only reason chris is drinking water is because we already paid our bill and were about to head out.

    i think the entire family came home more exhausted than when we left, but that’s the way it is in the big apple. 😉 it WAS fun, though!

  9. Welcome back, Crissy.  I was so bored whilst you were gone that I moved my blog to a new place… or, more accurately, started a whole new blog.

    Sounds like a good time, except the closet they passed off as your hotel room!

  10. Awww, I heart NY. Looks like you guys had an awesome time and made the most of your time there. Next summer, I think you and Mister and Girlfriend should jump in the car and come to Chicago. You can stay with us. And we’ll all go frolicking in the park. Who the heck cares that you’ll probably have a newborn. You can leave him/her at home, right?!

  11. Girlfriend and I could have started a chorus line at the table.  It’d have been okay too–people expect that kind of behavior from the young kids.  Perhaps I should start rethinking my career choice…Rockette does sound good.

  12. Commencing jealousy as we speak… this looked like so much fun! I’m wildly jealous of the fabulous time. If you happen by the opposite coast (and by opposite coast, I mean LA), let a brother know. I’m sure me and most of the other LA bloggers will do booty dances for you.

  13. I  just checked back here to see if Lauren was booking appointments for ass grabbing and saw something about adults rolling around on the floor.  All I have to say is that Girlfriend started it.  It was my duty as the New York Auntie to get her all riled up before bed.

    1. It’s good that New York Auntie and Providence Auntie are of the same mind. You have the same hair so it makes sense.

      I hope you get to meet Providence Auntie one day. Girlfriend’s head will explode.

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