Bring It, Bitch. Crissy Will Kill You Twice.

Crissy’s body hurts Queefs.

Ow.

Mostly just her back and her arms.

She got into a fight.

A big one that lasted for almost an hour in which Crissy punched and punched her little arms off round after round until finally she gave up and collapsed onto the floor in a sweaty heap, all breathless and stripped down to her tank top and yoga pants.

But she won Queefs.

Your Crissy kicked some serious ass.

This poor fucker will never be the same again:

They had to carry him out. He was crying for his Mommy.

Turns out Crissy is a Wii boxing genius. Mister thinks he’s good, but Crissy has news for him. He’s not. Crissy is good. He thinks that just because he can knock a dude out in three punches that it makes him some sort of bad ass. Yeah, well, no.

Just like with her Wonderful Dancing, Crissy’s obvious raw talent just needs to be honed a little bit. She’d show you what she means but that would require a video and she didn’t know she was blogging about this until about three minutes ago so that sucks.

And so now Crissy is officially in training because Mister has some advantages over her like having boxed at the Naval Academy and being really strong and fast. And Mister doesn’t think Crissy knows this but he waits until Crissy goes to sleep and then he sneaks downstairs to practice. Crissy thinks that’s cheating but that’s okay because you know what Crissy has but he doesn’t?

Pure pregnant hormonal rage.

If they could shoot soldiers up with the shit that’s coursing through Crissy’s veins right now they would create the Ultimate Fighting Machine. Enemies would take one look at them, pee their pants, and run home to hide under their beds or cots or piles of dung or whatever.

Taco must be a boy because Crissy has been feeling all testosterone-y like a 16 year-old dude.

She’ll either fight you or fuck you depending on if you piss her off or not.

So Crissy is going to practice and build her strength because apparently the boxing segment on her Biggest Loser workout isn’t quite enough to harness all her innate ability and Santa is going to bring us another set of controllers and Mister and Crissy are going to fight to the death.

Like gladiators.

Or something.

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36 comments

  1. I too have the Wii boxing mastered. It’s even more fun when I play with hubby and not only dominate the Wii animation, but at the same time have bragging rights–with none of the usual bruising! 😉

    ps–did you see the ads today? Deer fencing and teen underwear?

  2. Rach- I didn’t see those. The ones I see right now are for “Dirty Guy Parts,””Excessive Underarm Odor,” and “Does your breath smell?”

    Must be the mention of 16 year old boys.

    God I hope Taco is a girl.

  3. Everything about this made my day from the snort-inducing title, to the pregnant hormonal rage. I applaud you, you crazy pregnant psycho bitch.

  4. I had this similar experience with my boyfriend and his brother. They thought they were going to kick my a$$ in boxing but little did they know I have a secret strategy. Since I am smaller then them I can jab way faster so I would just jab like a madwoman and knock them out in no time. Stupid boys. It really pissed them off. haha

  5. Yeah…I knew this post was going to be something great once the title came up in my reader.

    That guy you are fighting looks like an animated Jesus.

    Did you create a wii person for taco yet?

  6. I keep telling Sweets he needs to finish setting up our Wii. Because, by the time we start using it, virtual workouts will be a thing of the past … by then, you’ll just have to lie on the couch and the pounds will shed right off!

  7. I feel like an ass…I have no Wii.

    *ducking from flying computer mouse*

    No worries, I’m getting one for X-mas. I do have 2 Playstation 3’s but with the Wii Fit, I now sorta kinda want one so I can tone my ass and gut for next Summer.

  8. I don’t have a Wii but my best friend does and we boxed. Once. We went like a million rounds, but she eventually won. I wasn’t that upset though because I thought I was going to die. It was so hard and I was in pain for like 3 days. I felt like I got my ass kicked in person I was so sore, and then I just got depressed that I was so out of shape that I was in all that pain from “virtual” boxing. I decided that rather than try to improve my condition, I would just pretend like it never happened, then your post brought back all those painful, self hating memories…

  9. Pimp–who are you fooling?  You don’t wear pants anyway!  She’d win in a flash.

    And by win, I mean keep her clothes on…not see you naked.

  10. Okay–go read my blog…..use your Queen of Fucking Everything powers to do my bidding (you can surely see fit to do the bidding of a loyal queef, can’t you).

    EVERYONE HERE…..READ MY BLOG……..I have a job for you all today.  And it’s all about ME….so be prepared to bring on the good shit.

    Oh, I wish I had your WII—maybe that would help me.

    Thanks for letting me demand your queefs go read me……I appreciate it.

  11. I suck at the boxing game.  it’s the one time that I feel like a helpless little girl.  I even squeak like one when I play it.

    “No!  Oh man…don’t….duck…EEEEEEEE!”

    • Jerry: “Coughing… naked… It’s a turn-off, man.”
    • George: “Everything goes with naked.”
    • Jerry: “When you cough, there are thousands of unseen muscles that suddenly spring into action. It’s like watching that fat guy catch a cannonball in his stomach in slow motion.”
    • George: “Oh, you spoiled, spoiled man. Do you now how much mental energy I expend just trying to picture women naked?”
    • Jerry: “But the thing you don’t realize is that there’s good naked and bad naked. Naked hair brushing, good; naked crouching, bad.

  12. That’s it I am sold. Hubby and i have been discusing buying a Wii as a Christmas present to each other…get more fit, more family time, blah-di-blah…have been kinda on the fence. But there’s violence involved? I am so there!

    Btw, I’m in love with your blog! I am the mom of a 5 yr old (boy) and a Children’s Librarian and therefore Shake My Sillies Out in public at least 4 times a week. I also curse like a sailor and enjoy/abhor the absurdities of working in a Public Library.  I didn’t know there was another one of us out there!

  13. I LUV Wii boxing! And Wii tennis, bowling, golf and baseball. They are all fun! And they are actually a workout too! That is what makes it great. Do you have Mario Kart yet? If not, I highly suggest it.  It rules.

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