On Saturday night Crissy and her friends Michele, Elise, and Valerie went to her friend Stacy’s house for an Athena party. An Athena party is like a tupperware party only with dildos and vibrators and stuff. There’s usually an assemblage of drunken women who pass around various thingymabobs and giggle and make jokes about their husband’s wee-wees.
It’s great fun.
Crissy has been to several of them but this one?
Crissy is not so sure it was really as good as others she’s been to.
First of all, our Goddess, that’s what the salessluts call themselves, looked like this:
What’s really funny is that she looked almost exactly like this and anyone who was at the party that would like to comment just this once (Val, Shel, and Elise! I’m talkin’ to you bitches!) will back Crissy up on that.
And she was wearing pants that were too small for her, highlighting her FUPA quite nicely and an ill-fitting bra underneath a tee-shirt that said something like “Come to the NAUGHTY side with me.”
And Crissy wondered when the last time anyone took her up on that offer was because really?
The last Goddess Crissy had looked like this:
You see the difference don’t you Queefs?
Whose dildo would you rather fondle and pass to your friend?
I thought so.
But the lady was very nice and as it turns out she’s a high school teacher who does this for a little extra cash.
This made Crissy wonder how many of her teachers from school did this sort of thing on the side.
Shudder.
And also at an Athena party you can count on being forced to participate in some sort of lewd act with women you barely know. Crissy had to get on her hands and knees and eat a peeled banana out of her friend Valerie’s crotchal which would have been a lot easier to do had Crissy not been stone cold sober but she did it anyway because Crissy is a giver.
And it was a race and you know Crissy had to win that shit, right?
And Crissy is proud to say that she annihilated poor Stacy who was paired up with her sister-in-law which will make for an interesting Christmas dinner for the two of them this year, and won a light-up penis key chain because Crissy is the best banana deep throater around.
Or at least at Stacy’s house anyways.
Then as if poor Stacy wasn’t humiliated enough, the, ahem, Goddess demonstrated bondage sheets by blindfolding poor Stacy and tying her to her bed whilst her sister-in-law whipped her with a be-feathered riding crop and took pictures.
Crissy does not think she will ever host one of these parties because she has a remarkable talent for self-humiliation and does not need a dumpy middle aged teacher helping her out on that one and also Crissy’s sister-in-law would probably enjoy the whipping a little too much and would probably hurt poor prone Crissy.
For really.
And there was this one thing that just about everyone agreed was a Wonderful Thing except that it looks like this:
Which looks too much like this:
So it was right out.
And so yeah. Crissy would like to say that she bought tons of stuff and she’d like to show you pictures of it but you don’t care and also Crissy didn’t see anything she doesn’t already have thought would really do the trick.
Well, there was one thing but she is hoping Santa will put it in her stocking this Christmas.
Or in her Noonie.
Whichever.
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December 2nd, 2008 at 8:33 AM
fupa? noonie?
GONZO?
i heart you.
for really.
December 2nd, 2008 at 9:07 AM
Around here they’re called “Fun Parties.” Probably because I live in the Bible Belt (I’m NOT a Bible-thumper, so don’t worry!). I hadn’t been to one until my friends decided that would be the best way to host one of my bachelorette parties as a complete surprise to me. Which would have been fine except that this bachelorette party was the small one which included a girl who just moved here from India and grew up in the very CONSERVATIVE Indian way (no boys as friends, never held a dude’s hand let alone kissed or canoodled until married, etc) and my younger sister who was like 18 at the time (all sweet and innocent). The best was probably when my sis volunteered for what turned out to be using some tingling cream on her hey-nanny-nanny. The look on her face was priceless.
December 2nd, 2008 at 9:25 AM
Ive offered to be a host of one these parties…but I guess it’s a girls only thing.
Lame.
December 2nd, 2008 at 9:35 AM
Well, I don’t need to host one myself thanks to all your fab details. LOL! Thanks Crissy!
The Gonzo comparison was flippin’ hot. I knew I liked Gonzo best for some strange reason. Can you imagine what he could do having a nose like that along with his mouth? Yowza!
And what is a FUPA?
December 2nd, 2008 at 9:48 AM
FUPA
December 2nd, 2008 at 10:09 AM
I have those parties in private.
Not really.
Commonlaw marriage was a buzzkill.
December 2nd, 2008 at 10:22 AM
I need to print this post out, make copies and pass it around in a meeting I have in ten minutes. That should loosen everyone up a bit.
December 2nd, 2008 at 11:18 AM
Kate was thinking just last night that she doesn’t have enough toys to satisfy her.
December 2nd, 2008 at 11:41 AM
k8, do you have a speculum?
December 2nd, 2008 at 11:48 AM
Akilah, a FUPA is a fat upper pubic area. That area between belly button and hoo-hah.
December 2nd, 2008 at 11:53 AM
So, does this mean the speculum can go in the recycling pile?
December 2nd, 2008 at 12:10 PM
Just around the corner from our apartment there is a cookie shop where you can also buy dildos and lube.
I can’t decide if this is awesome or gross.
December 2nd, 2008 at 12:18 PM
@ Kiala: answer = awesome
noonie? hey-nanny-nanny?
I just peed in my pants.
December 2nd, 2008 at 12:23 PM
No I don’t have one. And I’m thinking I might want one. I mean, my mind does think these things through….
December 2nd, 2008 at 12:44 PM
Yeah, I bet the Goddess doesn’t sell speculums. Too bad Crissy already has one.
Crissy - 1
Goddess - 0
December 2nd, 2008 at 12:50 PM
i also take issue with fake-assed-break-away-velcro-restraints.
what’s the point of strapping someone up if they can get out?
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:03 PM
You know, that teacher photo looks like every news photo you see of a teacher who’s run off to Mexico with her 16 year old student. I never could figure out why. Now that I know the teachers are packing all kinds of fun toys, I can see the potential allure. That and all you can drink margaritas for 5 pesos.
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:12 PM
Noonie? And what makes you think we don’t want to?
I’m still jealous of Crissy’s Pimp.
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:16 PM
most awkward part of these parties? When the “goddess” tries to tell you what she likes most and how she and her husband…
nevermind… I’ve said enough.
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:29 PM
I’m sorry. We don’t care? Nuts much?
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:40 PM
Naked FUPAs and weird school teachers. It’s why I quit watching Real Sex. That and the nudist colony segment has damaged me for life.
Great post. You’re freakin’ hilarious!
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:42 PM
Okay—not all women look like your Goddess #2. There are those of us with rolls and curves that like a good time too!
and a GOOD supportive bra is HARD to find, so maybe frumpy goddess just needs to keep looking. Good bras are expensive and if she’s a teacher, then she’s not making enough to buy the REALLY good bras. I should know….I don’t either.
Just an observation.
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:47 PM
2nd observation—my first observation sounded a teensie weensie DEFENSIVE, I guess. Whoopsie…….it really was an observation..
and Hey-nannie-nannie is my NEW word for the day. How can I use it in casual conversation?
I also have a FUPA—-although I didn’t know what the name of it was until today. My very own fupa.
Hey, at a girls night after a few drinks, I called my then 17 yr old son tofind out what a queef was…..(the real queef definition, not us being queefs to Crissy)….and TOTALLY embarassed him…he wouldn’t give up the definition, either. I wonder if he knows what a fupa is.
I think I’ll ask.
December 2nd, 2008 at 4:46 PM
Shelly,
Try http://www.urbandictionary.com when there is a slang word you don’t know. Save your poor son….
Tedster
December 2nd, 2008 at 4:49 PM
Okay, unrelated to today’s post, but I saw these and absolutely had to share with you. Check out these cookie cutters!! http://www.stupid.com/fun/FETS.html
Perhaps you can make these for Girlfriend’s next show and tell or snack day.
December 2nd, 2008 at 5:11 PM
I would buy whatever that woman in the second picture told me to and put it wherever she told me to. I know. It’s just the way I am.
December 2nd, 2008 at 5:42 PM
I care. I want to see pictures. I’d also like to take you on in a banana eating contest - I would so win.
December 2nd, 2008 at 5:53 PM
@Shelly: All’s I’m saying is DRESS THE PART. I don’t care what the lady is shaped like, just don’t show wearing whatever you happened to throw on. You’ve got to sex it up a little. And for the love of God don’t ask your son about FUPA!!!
You might as well start paying a therapist in advance. Just sayin.
And I freaking LOVE hey-nannie-nannie too. It’s been making me laugh all day.
December 2nd, 2008 at 5:55 PM
@Daisee579: That’s really funny! We HAVE to make those for Christmas this year. Baby Jesus in utero or something.
December 2nd, 2008 at 5:55 PM
@Megkathleen: Bring it bitch.
December 2nd, 2008 at 5:56 PM
@Chris: I know sweetie. You’re such a giver.
December 2nd, 2008 at 5:57 PM
@Crissy’s Pimp: It eliminates the need for a safety world. DUH!!
December 2nd, 2008 at 7:27 PM
That purple thing looks like bliss.
December 2nd, 2008 at 9:56 PM
bliss can be yours for a mere $52, melissa…
http://www.athenashn.com/storecart/viewItem.aspx?idProduct=1025
i tend towards stainless and glass though.
December 3rd, 2008 at 4:12 PM
at least you can say that Gonzo makes you happy!!! lol!!!