Shit Without the Mess

Disclaimer: Those Queefs who do not think shit is funny need not read this post (or this blog for that matter because we don’t like your kind around here) but Crissy doesn’t think it will be a problem because judging by the survey results from yesterday we are all down with brown.

And that just warms Crissy’s heart.

So we were Christmas shopping and Mister found The Perfect Gift for our friend Timmy! (remember Timmy! from yesterday? Crissy’s bff Rachel’s husband? You’ll see him in a second) and it turned out to be this:

And also one of these:

And Mister loved this gift so much that he got the same thing for his friends at work and also his dad and don’t forget for himself because who wants to be left out of the fun at Christmas time?

Certainly not Mister.

And so Crissy brings you the following video of adults acting like they’re 7 and also of people planning to do juvenile things to unsuspecting strangers at The Stop and Shop.

HAPPY NEW YEAR QUEEFS!

Somebody please volunteer to get stinking drunk for Crissy.

Somebody WHAT in the WHO???

Oh my god you know what Crissy just noticed you guys?

Crissy talked about her bum yesterday and now she’s going to talk about poop!

Poop and bums.

That’s what we’re about here.

That’s how we roll.

Huh.

Whatever.

So maybe we’ll do another poll here but this one is about poop instead of bums only first Crissy has to tell you a little story.

Once upon a time Crissy was sitting in the break room of the library eating Amy’s organic lentil soup and reading about Brangelina’s latest trip to The Land of the Brown Peoples to buy adopt another baby and otherwise minding her own business when someone came in to tell her the news in the shaky and hushed tones of someone in severe shock and dismay.

“Somebody pooped in the book drop.”

“WHAT?” said Crissy, delighted and hoping she heard it right.

somebody pooped in the book drop!

“Bwahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa! That’s awesome! Bwahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

“?….?…..?”

And nobody thought it was funny.

At. All.

Except for Crissy of course but that’s okay because she doesn’t really fit in with the church ladies anyway and it makes her feel rawther superior actually that she has a sense of humor, no matter how twisted it may be . And it even amuses Crissy that they’re all still in a big kerfuffle over the whole affair and it’s been ages since it happend and Crissy has yet to convince anyone at Schmuckytown library that it’s fucking funny. They get all fired up at the mere mention of the incident and so Crissy brings it up every once in a while just to fuck with people.

And when Crissy told her mom the story she had the same reaction as Crissy so that means that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree or crazy is as crazy does or that at least there’s someone out there that has the same sense of humor or justice or something or whatever.

Also, Rachel and her husband Timmy! (you always have to say Timmy! with an exclamation point because he’s that awesome) thought it was funny and of course Mister who is a lot twisted…

But that’s it!

Most people are horrified by it.

HORRIFIED!!!

And even Lynne, LYNNE !!! of all people only saw the humor after like a year and would only admit it when nobody else was around.

Crissy doesn’t get it.

And so now this story has become one Crissy tells people to sort of test them a little bit because there are two kinds of people in this world–those who think shit is funny and those who do not.

So tell your Crissy Queefs.

Taking a shadoobie in the book drop is:

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Honesty is such a lonely word

With the new year approaching Crissy thinks it’s high time to take this here blog in a new direction.

And so from now on we’re not going to talk about drinking and masturbating and all the silly things we usually talk about around this place.

As much.

No, no, no.

Instead, we’re going to handle the tough issues–the things no one else has the balls or the energy to think about, let alone blog about.

And Crissy is going to start asking for the Queef’s opinions a lot more because really it’s the little people like all of you that make the world go round because every human life has value and everyone has something important to contribute.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

But no.

So to start off with, Crissy has an important question for you Queefs and she needs an honest answer.

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Do these pants make Crissy's ass look like a plate of spinach?

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A Dog and Pony Christmas

Good Morning?

Any Queefs out there awake and alive and at work and stuff?

How was your Christmas?

Girlfriend had a great Christmas and got a pony and a train set and a Barbie and a bunch of other crap but after opening her gifts she said she was frustrated because all she wanted was more trains. Not all the other stuff.

But the problem is is that she did get more trains but we lost part of Madge the truck

And we think she may have been scooped in with all the wrapping paper and b-u-r-n-e-d in the f-i-r-e-p-l-a-c-e.

So today we’re off to Target to buy a new Madge.

Whoopsie.

Crissy had a wonderful day even with all the snotting and the coughing and the Auschwitz style burning of beloved toys and Santa got her everything on her list and good news! Crissy does not look like a marshmallow/cow/toilet paper in her new white puffy coat. It’s sort of cute actually. And she got not one but TWO Chia pets. Michele got her a Chia frog and poor, poor, sweet Mister drove all over creation trying to find a Chia Tree with the light-up star on top.

So as it turns out Queefs, when it comes to the Internet it’s all ask and you shall receive.

So naturally Crissy is still waiting on the BMW which should be arriving any day now and if she had known how easy it is to get stuff you want just by posting it on your blog she would have asked for these:

Crissy has like 4 pairs but they’re all rather smallish and all the other preschool moms have HUGE ones.

Makes Crissy feel inadequate.

And also Crissy wants one of these Labradoodle puppies:

Complete with a house bitch to take care of it and teach it to shit outside because Crissy doesn’t have time for that.

She’s having a baby for Christ sake!

Taking on a puppy would be madness!

And also, Crissy would like World Peace because the news bores her with all the fighting and the war and the ugliness and stuff and wouldn’t it be more fun if the news just reported Celebrity gossip and fashion news?

RIGHT???

The QOFE just wants a better world for us all and something more entertaining to watch like Lindsay Lohan being a big lez or Brit-Brit’s eventual relapse or something fun and interesting while she has her morning coffee.

It’s win/win for everyone, really.

So do you Queefs think you could get to work on that shit for Crissy for next year?

OR!!!!

Crissy’s birthday is coming up in June.

You’d better get cracking.

And stoogie asked to see pictures of Crissy’s Christmas Dog and Pony Extravagana so here stoogie:

Crissy gives you dog:

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She’s not fat she’s just FLUFFY!

And a pony:

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The pony knows what you did with that Christmas buttplug and does not approve.

Crissy’s Gift to the Pathetic, Downtrodden, Shat Upon Queefs at Work on Christmas Eve

Crissy won’t be at work today like she originally planned.

She’s too fucking sick to sit at her desk and pretend to work catalog books today.

What was yesterday’s sniffle and sore throat is todays totally stuffed head complete with loss of taste and hearing and tuberculin cough. And don’t forget Crissy’s red and swollen and watery eyes. And the doctor won’t let Crissy take anything for it because it might hurt Taco.

And so Crissy must suffer.

Maybe it’s a good thing though because Santa will feel right at home when he hears Crissy breathing like a polar bear and barking like a seal.

It’s really, really, sexy.

And this totally fucking blows because Crissy and Mister have a Christmas Eve tradition where they put Girlfriend in her cage bed and celebrate Christmas by unwrapping presents and eating expensive seafood type appetizers and drinking wonderful champagne and then depending on how happy Crissy is with her presents they will continue to celebrate in a multitude of ways many of which can be found in this book:

WHAT?

Crissy supposes some of you are offended that she makes Santa work for his Christmas cookie.

Well how the hell else is Crissy supposed to get what she wants?

By giving Santa what he wants.

It’s basic psychology people, look it up.

He’s all Pavlov’s Dog for her shit because Crissy’s milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

Even Santa.

And Crissy has the chills so she won’t be able to wear her Santa outfit this year no matter how warm the fireplace is:

That’s not exactly like Crissy’s Santa outfit but it’s close. Just picture it with nipple cut outs and no crotch and BINGO! You’ve got it.

And now you understand why it would be too cold to wear this year.

Crissy does not want to catch The P. Newmonia.

So yeah.

Crissy’s Christmas is pretty much shaquaed by sickness.

(Shaquaed is not a real word so don’t look it up.)

One of Crissy’s Christmas traditions that she will be able to keep is the one where she snuggles on the couch to watch Christmas Vacation.

This is the best scene as far as Crissy is concerned and at least once every Christmas Crissy will call her mommy and say this part and then just hang up and Crissy’s mommy will know that Crissy is in the holiday spirit and she has totally gone coo-coo for coco puffs.

Hap Hap Happiest Christmas

And that Queefs, is why Crissy thinks Christmas Vacation is the best Christmas movie EVER.

Discuss.

Oh and have a happy Christmas.