Shit Without the Mess

Disclaimer: Those Queefs who do not think shit is funny need not read this post (or this blog for that matter because we don’t like your kind around here) but Crissy doesn’t think it will be a problem because judging by the survey results from yesterday we are all down with brown.

And that just warms Crissy’s heart.

So we were Christmas shopping and Mister found The Perfect Gift for our friend Timmy! (remember Timmy! from yesterday? Crissy’s bff Rachel’s husband? You’ll see him in a second) and it turned out to be this:

And also one of these:

And Mister loved this gift so much that he got the same thing for his friends at work and also his dad and don’t forget for himself because who wants to be left out of the fun at Christmas time?

Certainly not Mister.

And so Crissy brings you the following video of adults acting like they’re 7 and also of people planning to do juvenile things to unsuspecting strangers at The Stop and Shop.


HAPPY NEW YEAR QUEEFS!

Somebody please volunteer to get stinking drunk for Crissy.

Somebody WHAT in the WHO???

Oh my god you know what Crissy just noticed you guys?

Crissy talked about her bum yesterday and now she’s going to talk about poop!

Poop and bums.

That’s what we’re about here.

That’s how we roll.

Huh.

Whatever.

So maybe we’ll do another poll here but this one is about poop instead of bums only first Crissy has to tell you a little story.

Once upon a time Crissy was sitting in the break room of the library eating Amy’s organic lentil soup and reading about Brangelina’s latest trip to The Land of the Brown Peoples to buy adopt another baby and otherwise minding her own business when someone came in to tell her the news in the shaky and hushed tones of someone in severe shock and dismay.

“Somebody pooped in the book drop.”

“WHAT?” said Crissy, delighted and hoping she heard it right.

somebody pooped in the book drop!

“Bwahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa! That’s awesome! Bwahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

“?….?…..?”

And nobody thought it was funny.

At. All.

Except for Crissy of course but that’s okay because she doesn’t really fit in with the church ladies anyway and it makes her feel rawther superior actually that she has a sense of humor, no matter how twisted it may be . And it even amuses Crissy that they’re all still in a big kerfuffle over the whole affair and it’s been ages since it happend and Crissy has yet to convince anyone at Schmuckytown library that it’s fucking funny. They get all fired up at the mere mention of the incident and so Crissy brings it up every once in a while just to fuck with people.

And when Crissy told her mom the story she had the same reaction as Crissy so that means that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree or crazy is as crazy does or that at least there’s someone out there that has the same sense of humor or justice or something or whatever.

Also, Rachel and her husband Timmy! (you always have to say Timmy! with an exclamation point because he’s that awesome) thought it was funny and of course Mister who is a lot twisted…

But that’s it!

Most people are horrified by it.

HORRIFIED!!!

And even Lynne, LYNNE !!! of all people only saw the humor after like a year and would only admit it when nobody else was around.

Crissy doesn’t get it.

And so now this story has become one Crissy tells people to sort of test them a little bit because there are two kinds of people in this world–those who think shit is funny and those who do not.

So tell your Crissy Queefs.

Taking a shadoobie in the book drop is:

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Honesty is such a lonely word

With the new year approaching Crissy thinks it’s high time to take this here blog in a new direction.

And so from now on we’re not going to talk about drinking and masturbating and all the silly things we usually talk about around this place.

As much.

No, no, no.

Instead, we’re going to handle the tough issues–the things no one else has the balls or the energy to think about, let alone blog about.

And Crissy is going to start asking for the Queef’s opinions a lot more because really it’s the little people like all of you that make the world go round because every human life has value and everyone has something important to contribute.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

But no.

So to start off with, Crissy has an important question for you Queefs and she needs an honest answer.

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Do these pants make Crissy's ass look like a plate of spinach?

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A Dog and Pony Christmas

Good Morning?

Any Queefs out there awake and alive and at work and stuff?

How was your Christmas?

Girlfriend had a great Christmas and got a pony and a train set and a Barbie and a bunch of other crap but after opening her gifts she said she was frustrated because all she wanted was more trains. Not all the other stuff.

But the problem is is that she did get more trains but we lost part of Madge the truck

And we think she may have been scooped in with all the wrapping paper and b-u-r-n-e-d in the f-i-r-e-p-l-a-c-e.

So today we’re off to Target to buy a new Madge.

Whoopsie.

Crissy had a wonderful day even with all the snotting and the coughing and the Auschwitz style burning of beloved toys and Santa got her everything on her list and good news! Crissy does not look like a marshmallow/cow/toilet paper in her new white puffy coat. It’s sort of cute actually. And she got not one but TWO Chia pets. Michele got her a Chia frog and poor, poor, sweet Mister drove all over creation trying to find a Chia Tree with the light-up star on top.

So as it turns out Queefs, when it comes to the Internet it’s all ask and you shall receive.

So naturally Crissy is still waiting on the BMW which should be arriving any day now and if she had known how easy it is to get stuff you want just by posting it on your blog she would have asked for these:

Crissy has like 4 pairs but they’re all rather smallish and all the other preschool moms have HUGE ones.

Makes Crissy feel inadequate.

And also Crissy wants one of these Labradoodle puppies:

Complete with a house bitch to take care of it and teach it to shit outside because Crissy doesn’t have time for that.

She’s having a baby for Christ sake!

Taking on a puppy would be madness!

And also, Crissy would like World Peace because the news bores her with all the fighting and the war and the ugliness and stuff and wouldn’t it be more fun if the news just reported Celebrity gossip and fashion news?

RIGHT???

The QOFE just wants a better world for us all and something more entertaining to watch like Lindsay Lohan being a big lez or Brit-Brit’s eventual relapse or something fun and interesting while she has her morning coffee.

It’s win/win for everyone, really.

So do you Queefs think you could get to work on that shit for Crissy for next year?

OR!!!!

Crissy’s birthday is coming up in June.

You’d better get cracking.

And stoogie asked to see pictures of Crissy’s Christmas Dog and Pony Extravagana so here stoogie:

Crissy gives you dog:

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She’s not fat she’s just FLUFFY!

And a pony:

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The pony knows what you did with that Christmas buttplug and does not approve.

Crissy’s Gift to the Pathetic, Downtrodden, Shat Upon Queefs at Work on Christmas Eve

Crissy won’t be at work today like she originally planned.

She’s too fucking sick to sit at her desk and pretend to work catalog books today.

What was yesterday’s sniffle and sore throat is todays totally stuffed head complete with loss of taste and hearing and tuberculin cough. And don’t forget Crissy’s red and swollen and watery eyes. And the doctor won’t let Crissy take anything for it because it might hurt Taco.

And so Crissy must suffer.

Maybe it’s a good thing though because Santa will feel right at home when he hears Crissy breathing like a polar bear and barking like a seal.

It’s really, really, sexy.

And this totally fucking blows because Crissy and Mister have a Christmas Eve tradition where they put Girlfriend in her cage bed and celebrate Christmas by unwrapping presents and eating expensive seafood type appetizers and drinking wonderful champagne and then depending on how happy Crissy is with her presents they will continue to celebrate in a multitude of ways many of which can be found in this book:

WHAT?

Crissy supposes some of you are offended that she makes Santa work for his Christmas cookie.

Well how the hell else is Crissy supposed to get what she wants?

By giving Santa what he wants.

It’s basic psychology people, look it up.

He’s all Pavlov’s Dog for her shit because Crissy’s milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

Even Santa.

And Crissy has the chills so she won’t be able to wear her Santa outfit this year no matter how warm the fireplace is:

That’s not exactly like Crissy’s Santa outfit but it’s close. Just picture it with nipple cut outs and no crotch and BINGO! You’ve got it.

And now you understand why it would be too cold to wear this year.

Crissy does not want to catch The P. Newmonia.

So yeah.

Crissy’s Christmas is pretty much shaquaed by sickness.

(Shaquaed is not a real word so don’t look it up.)

One of Crissy’s Christmas traditions that she will be able to keep is the one where she snuggles on the couch to watch Christmas Vacation.

This is the best scene as far as Crissy is concerned and at least once every Christmas Crissy will call her mommy and say this part and then just hang up and Crissy’s mommy will know that Crissy is in the holiday spirit and she has totally gone coo-coo for coco puffs.

Hap Hap Happiest Christmas

And that Queefs, is why Crissy thinks Christmas Vacation is the best Christmas movie EVER.

Discuss.

Oh and have a happy Christmas.

Just in Time for Christmas!

What kind of fuckery is this Queefs?

Crissy is sick and snotty and sore throaty and uncontrollably sobby and don’t forget fucking pregnant on top of it and she’s pissed off.

And she had a whole ‘nuther post about some of her favorite holiday treats, gin, cocaine, lube all planned out in her head but her funny has liquefied and turned to snot and so instead she’s going to share with you a list that she and Lynne made at work yesterday over emails because they couldn’t think of anything better to do.

You don’t expect them to like, do their jobs do you?

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Silly Queefs.

So here.

Self-Help Books we think should be available to the good people of Schmuckytown

Colonoscopy Preparation for Dummies
Telling Your Co-Worker You’re a Tranny for Dummies
Itchy Assholes for Dummies
The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Home Dildo Making
The Beginners Guide to Online Pornography
How to Make Amateur Porn in Your Basement
Hydroponic Marijuana Farming for Dummies
How To Shave Your Ass and Other Hygiene Conundrums
Complete Idiot’s Guide to Drug Trafficking
Armed Robbery for Dummies
Helicopter Maintenance and Repair for Dummies
What You Should Know Before You Fuck Your Dog
Necrophilia for Dummies
Quick & Easy Meth Lab Start-up Guide (with bonus fire extinguisher)
Human Remain Disposal for Dummies
How To Smack Your Bitch Up The OJ Way (leather gloves included)
Carjacking for Fun and Profit
The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Satanic Ritual Killings
The Pedophile’s Guide to Candy Making
Don’t Lick That! A Guide to Sex During an Outbreak
Nipple Piercing for Dummies (with bonus 32 oz. peroxide)
Pimpin’ made EZ

So yeah.

That’s the best Crissy has for today. Maybe she’ll post tomorrow but she’s not sure because it’s Christmas Eve and shit and nobody will be around but Crissy will be because she has to work because she is pathetic and downtrodden.

SO who’s going to be here tomorrow?

Show of hands…

Top 10 Reasons Why Crissy Out and Out Refuses To Go Sledding

It snowed like a bastard here all weekend and everything is beautiful and lovey and snowy and look at Crissy’s house:

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See? Pretty.

And today Mister and Girlfriend are going sledding while Crissy is at work.

Crissy’d much rather be at home doing laundry and reading smut than working or sledding because work blows and Crissy is ascared of sledding, but it wasn’t always that way.

When Crissy was a wee little Crissy she loved, loved, loved to go sledding. She had a big hill behind her house and she and her brother would spend hours just going down the hill and making jumps and stuff and trying to bury one another’s heads in the snow with the eventual goal of fratricide or sororicide, depending on who is doing the ‘ciding.

But it’s really hard to drown in snow so it never worked and the little bastard is still alive and well and living in Florida.

He hates the snow.

Gee…Crissy wonders why.

Anywho, one day Crissy went sledding at her friend Katie’s house. Katie had a monsterous hill and her brothers, unbeknownst to Crissy and Katie, had run the garden hose down the hill which turned it into a Ice Luge over night.

And Crissy and Katie went down the hill.

Remember the scene from Christmas Vacation with the metal saucer sled and the non-caloric silicon based kitchen lubricant?

It was like that and it fucked Crissy up for life.

And that is reason number one why Crissy does not go sledding.

#2. Having to pee. They don’t have toilets at sledding. It never fails that after Crissy gets her snow bunny outfit on and arrives at the sledding place, she has to pee. Or go pookipsie.
#3. The screaming. Careening out of control on a spinning, rolling, bouncing thunder tube or some such suicide device is not what Crissy calls fun. Mister says she needs to work on her technique but Crissy is too busy screaming, throwing up and dying to think about such nonsense. She may or may not pookipsie in her pants.
#4. Climbing back up the hill. Bullshit on that.
#5. Damn children. Crissy does not understand why people have to bring their kids to these kinds of things. It is clearly no place for children what with all the drinking and smoking and swearing going on. Or is Crissy the only one who shows up with a flask full of scotch and a pack of smokes and screams “FFFFFFUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!” all the way down the hill? She’s never noticed.
#6. Wet.
#7. Cold.
#8. Crissy can’t think of anything else so it turns out that there’s only 7 reasons why she doesn’t go sledding.

Gingerbread is Crissy’s Bitch

Guess what Crissy did yesterday as a way to procrastinate about wrapping Christmas presents?

She and Girlfriend made a “gingerbread house!”

Crissy thought she’d try her hand at it because really she hates wrapping presents as it is not one of her many, many, wonderful talents and it always comes out looking like she wrapped the present with her feet.

And as it turns out the “gingerbread house” came out sort of the same way.

We started out by making coco crispy treats which Crissy’s bff Rachel suggested we try and even though Crissy let them go stale for four days they were still too gooey and they just wouldn’t form walls.

Well, they sort of did but it looked more like a post- nuclear Charlie Bucket’s house

than the thing of wondrous splendor that we made last year

Okay.

Maybe that’s not the same one we made last year but it looks exactly like that.

Or nothing like it whatsoever.

You’ll never know.

Anyways, Girlfriend and I decided it would be easier to cut the crispies into bricks and just stack them up and that is what we did and here is our creation:

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Girlfriend thought the reindeer pooper was a nice touch so we included it.

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Great news! The reindeer will also shit M&Ms! But they get stuck coming out of his large gaping butt hole, so be careful.

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That’s the back and Crissy is just realizing we forgot to put windows. It may be because she is still all fired up about the windows on her real house. She’s trying to block out the unpleasantness lest she go all nutsy and take a sledge hammer to her house.

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Crissy doesn’t think she did too bad of a job and only broke down in tears 2 or 6 times and threatened to throw the whole fucking thing into the trash can but Girlfriend was quite the little cheerleader and stood on her step stool and cheered “Go mama! Go mama! It’s your birthday! Don’t give up!” and so how could Crissy not try and try again?

And so that is what Crissy did yesterday instead of getting ready for Christmas and now she is hysterical because she’s behind on everything and there’s a massive snow storm coming today and she has like 15 minutes to do eleventy million errands.

Hysterical!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

Oh Chia Tree, Oh Chia Tree, Na, Na, Na, Hmm, Hmm, Hmm, Hmm…

And so much like when Oprah does it, Crissy is sure that the Queefs have been anxiously awaiting Crissy’s Favorite Things list.

And guess what?

YOU’RE ALL GETTING ONE!!!

No you’re not.

Sorry.

Crissy doesn’t even 0wn these things yet so the chances of her giving them to the Queefs are like, well, not good.

First up on Crissy’s list is this:

She included a picture so that when she says she wants a Le Creuset Dutch Oven for Christmas the less refined Queefs among us won’t think it’s a fancy Frenchy way to fart in Crissy’s bed. Michele has one and now Crissy wants it too.

And Crissy has been particularly cold this year already and it seems that none of her numerous coats and jackets are keeping her warm and so now she wants this:

And she chose ivory because it’s the only color she liked out of all the choices and they didn’t have dark plum like she would have prefered (!!!) but she’s a little nervous about the ivory because once she starts to become rather rotund and bovine around February/March-ish she’s scared she’s going to look like this:

Or this:

Or this:

And so we’ll see if Santa brings it or not and see how it goes. Crissy just realized that Michele has the exact same coat and so she must want to be Michele for Christmas.

And of course there’s always this but it needs to have a big blue bow on it (Crissy does not like red):

Because Crissy needs a sweet ride for the ten minute trip from her house to the school to work and back every day. But Santa is a notoriously cheap bastard and is always worrying about paying for food and shelter and boring and stupid and unnecessary things like that so the chances of it actually appearing under the tree this year are not so good.

Michele does NOT have a BMW in case you were wondering.

But what Crissy really, really, really wants this year is one of these:

And this year they even have one with a little star on top of it. Crissy has been asking for a Chia Tree for about 10 years now and everyone laughs at her like it’s all a big joke but it’s not! Crissy really wants a Chia Tree god dammit! And it’s becoming clear that nobody loves her because she is continually denied this, the most simple and inexpensive of requests.

She’s got more of a chance of getting the BMW than she has of getting a motherfucking Chia Tree.

Do you see how cruel people are to your Crissy?

It’s almost like they don’t even care she’s the QOFE.

They shit in a bag and give it to her for Christmas.

Crissyspage Best Gift Pics 2008!

Remember how last year Crissy went shopping at The Wal Mart for some great gift ideas to make fun of what the poor are buying each other this year help you all with your shopping?

You do?

Is there anything Crissy does that you don’t remember, Queefs?

Good.

Anyways, Crissy and Mister and Girlfriend went back there with the soul purpose of finding another list of gift suggestions and also to pick up Girlfriend’s Christmas pictures that you can have printed out over there and you know what we found?

A whole lotta nuthin’.

It was very disappointing.

It was all bath stuff really and an assortment of electric toothbrushes. Apparently the message they’re trying to send this year is “You fucking people stink. Take a fucking bath Wal-Mart shoppers! Oh, and take a power tool to the shit on your teeth while you’re at it.”

And Amen!

This is a message that is long overdue if you ask Crissy.

But we took a few pictures anyway because why the hell not?

Is it me or do the Bratz dolls just look like ghetto skanks to you?

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Is this what we really want to teach our girls to emulate?

(Crissy wants one for Christmas anyway because imagine how a Bratz could add to the Barbie situations! RIGHT? Huh??? You see the potential here too, right Queefs?)

And Crissy made a funny of this one last year, but this year we wound up buying not one but two of these little gems. One for Girlfriend and one for Alena because “Alena will love that mom. She’ll just go crazy for it.”

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And this is more glamor than Crissy thinks she can handle.

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A Fortune Telling M&M?

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Crissy predicts a fat ass for the recipient of this lovely and classic gift.

Britney Spears Curious perfume…

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Hmmmm…Crissy is curious about a lot of things too there Brit-Brit.

Like how is it possible that she can have any sort of a career left after all the fuckery she pulled? Are we supposed to forget about the umbrella incident and the head shaving incident and the punani flashing incident?

And does crazy even have a smell?

Watermelon Hubba Bubba perhaps?

And this post is going to end rather abruptly because Crissy woke up late and Girlfriend has been in and out of the room interrupting her every three seconds and it’s time to take a shower and haul her ass to work and Girlfriend to school so happy Wednesday.